My boyfriend and I have begun planning out our future together, so these things keep coming up and I’m just curious what other people have done. His biggest thing is owning a home. He figures he can buy a house once he is where he financially wants to be with the right job. He wants marriage, but the order of baby then wedding or wedding then baby isn’t as important to him. I want marriage first for a number of reason. First, it seems to just be simpler to all have the same last name. Then, there’s money. I think (and I apologize if I’m wrong) it would be easier to support each other and save money if we had joint accounts and a marriage certificate. Lastly, it just seems “right” to me. I suppose I’m a bit traditional. I would prefer to not get married if I were to just get pregnant unexpectedly, but if it were planned, I would want to be married. [name]How[/name] does everyone else feel on this? [name]Both[/name] our opinions can still be swayed a little lol
Then, how old were you when you had your first child? Is age important to you? What about a college degree, etc.?
Ohh, the college degree question. Most people will tell you to get an education first. Education, of course, IS invaluable. However, I personally regret my college decisions. [name]Don[/name]'t get me wrong: I had a BLAST getting my B.A. in English at a university you all would recognize, and I even had a blast in graduate school right up until my car accident put an end to my educational plans. However, now that I am married and TTC, I realize that I want to stay home to raise my children, so that leaves my enormous school debt to my husband. He will take it, of course, because he wants me to always have the option of staying home (though he would never pressure me to stay home), but those school loans will be a major financial setback for our family for decades. I do work part-time from home for a newspaper, but the pay is nothing compared to the knee-deep school debt. College is ALMOST mandatory to get a decent job in today’s society, but it is not the only option. Look into what you want to do career-wise, and figure out if college is really necessary to get there. College is an unbelievable expense. Thankfully we are already homeowners and still have a decent amount of financial wiggle room, but a child will make it tight.
As for the age question, I don’t think parenting requires a certain age; it requires a certain level of maturity.
On the question of marriage, my husband and I are Christians and made the decision to remain virgins until marriage based on our beliefs. Most people in our society don’t hold this conviction, but for us, it has made sex something very sacred and has done our relationship a world of good.
I’ll admit that I AM more of a traditional girl. And I understand what you are feeling too! My husband and I met when we were 14 years old and dated all through high school and college. After we graduated, we moved to a new city, bought separate apartments, and started our careers while still working on our relationship. Three years later, we got married at age 25. We WERE young, but we loved each other. Five years later, we are happy as ever and pregnant with our first child.
Here’s my advice: first get your education! This will help you so much down the road. I know what it feels like to be young and in love, but imagine how getting your degree will help you, your boyfriend, and your future children. Second, I suggest that you get married before having children. You made some good points about your last name, money, etc. I think it’s important to have someone you trust 100% behind you during a pregnancy. A boyfriend is supportive, but a husband has vowed to stand by your side no matter what. Third, enjoy your marriage! As I said before, my husband and I waited five years before trying to get pregnant, and I think that was the right decision for us. Maybe it is for you too, maybe not. Then think about children! They are such a blessing, and it’s important for them to have two loving parents behind them.
I got married at 23–which I considered very young. We had graduated college the year before and were definitely not ready for kids at that point, getting through the first few years of our careers took priority. Bought a house (and renovated said house) at 25 and I’m pregnant w/ baby #1 at 27.
If I had met my DH later in life, I think marriage and baby would have been a little more interchangeable, a home and education were non negotiables for me personally.
My husband and I were married before either of us finished our undergrad. We were married through our undergraduate and graduate degrees. It was difficult and we have a lot of school debt; however, that debt would have been there regardless because neither of our parents paid for our schooling. my husband helped support us as I was a full time student in grad school - which was a huge blessing. It was the absolute right decision for us - it might have been a disaster for someone else. But, had we waited, we would have missed out on several years of marriage. That may not be a big deal to some people, but it means the world to me.
For me I did things in a somewhat traditional order
Meet
Fall in love & date a year or so
Move in together & live together a year or so
Finish BA (he did his MFA years prior to meeting)
Get engaged
Get married
Get pregnant after a year or so of marriage
Our baby is almost one & we [name]JUST[/name] bought a house!!!
I love how I did it but I couldn’t care less what other’s do & I think any combination of ways could have just as great an outcome!!
The only thing I would urge any woman to do is get to know herself before becoming a wife & mother. For me that meant traveling & moving around, living with girlfriends & partying a bit! For other’s it might be something else entirely but I think it’s important to live or travel or educate yourself away from your significant other for a while
We got married after I finished my bachelors (my highest obtained). My DH was in his “super senior” year and basically we got married then rather then wait since we knew we would marry eventually and he was finding a new apartment anyways and I didn’t want to live with my parents so why wait. Lol. He did finish, however, we had a surprise pregnancy 2 months into our marriage (I was using the bcp). Sooo, anyways, he finished up with that, ended up getting a masters when the big 2 were little and finished a month before Vio was born. And now he is back in school again (MBA) while we have 4 kids and are pregnant with another. Not easy, seriously. Doable and I am happy he is advancing in his career of course, but really hard too. Had he done everything back to back, it would have put him at 30-31 when he finished up. As I said in another thread, pros and cons either way you do it. I personally would want to be married before having a child with someone, but know many who do not and its worked for them.
I came from a very non traditional/alternative family, so marriage always seemed unnecessary to me. I never dreamed of my wedding day or a dress or anything. I met my husband when I was 19, he was 28. We were dating for about 4-5 months and we happened to lose our jobs at the exact same time. We couldn’t afford our separate rents anymore, so it made financial sense to move in together. And 4 years into our relationship, he suggested we just go ahead and get married (he’s such a romantic, right? :rolleyes:) so we applied for a marriage license the next day. No wedding, no ceremony, nothing. And I was also pregnant with [name]Rowan[/name] at the time (very early, around 9-10 weeks) Our 6 year anniversary is in [name]April[/name].
I personally do not think marriage is necessary. Children need love, it doesn’t matter the marital status. When it comes to age, I value being a younger parent (I had just turned 24 when [name]Rowan[/name] was born) but I also am very well aware that most 20-25 year olds are definitely NOT ready for a baby or marriage for that matter. I’ve experienced more than the average 25 year old, and sometimes I wish I would have explored more before settling down. I think it limits people’s life experiences and in the long runs makes naive and unhappy people. The best age to have a child is whenever you feel like you will be the best parent you can be, whether that be 24 or 42.
My situation is a little different but still fairly traditional. I would say, marriage or house first, to me they’re interchangeable. I don’t think I’d be worried about owning a house before marriage or a baby as long as I had someplace to live be it through renting, etc. However I would say if you accidentally get pregnant don’t rush to get married.
For me personally it would be a home, then marriage and then a baby. You need do know if you and your SO can “stand” to live together before getting married. After that you need to be a couple, do things together. And then add a baby into the mix.
In my situation I’ll be attending college to get my Bachelors degree while my SO fulfills his first and second year duties as a member of the US military. After that we plan on getting married which takes care of the housing issue as well. By this time I’ll be almost 21 and he will be a week away from being 20 (I’m 8 months older than him) if we get the date we want. We probably won’t have children until his four year contract is up putting us around 23 and 22 which is still young.
I was almost 26 when my son was born, married, and had a degree.
To me it was important to get married first. I didn’t want to have kids until I was in the relationship I planned to stay in for the rest of my life. When my husband and I were sure we were right for each other we got married. There are several incentives to being married, and I don’t take them for granted. My best friends would give anything for the right to do the same. What if something were to happen to you during childbirth? What if you got seriously ill? Being married would mean that your partner could be by your side, get medical information about you, and take care of the details of health insurance, ect. That’s something to seriously consider.
That being said I’m 28 and we still don’t own our own home. [name]IMO[/name] you can’t wait until every detail is perfect to have children, because everything will never be perfect. You have to weigh your options and do what’s best for you and your partner, and hope for the best.
I would say that what matters is how important it is to YOU. If you feel strongly that you want to get married before starting your family, that’s exactly what you should do. It sounds like he’d be happy either way. I wouldn’t want anyone to get married just because they want kids, but it sounds like you know this is the man you want to marry and have a family with, so you should do it the way that feels right to you. I would recommend getting your education before having children, though, because it’s easier to do in that order and will give you better earning potential. [name]Even[/name] if you’re considering being a SAHM, I think it’s good to have something to fall back on if he gets laid off or injured and can’t work.
Maturity is much more important than age when it comes to having children. I know I was not ready in my twenties for example when I was travelling and working in fun jobs with lots of after-work committments etc.
My story: I did my BA, then MA, then met my boyfriend (now husband) aged 27. After a year of dating we bought a house together and lived together for three years before getting married. We put off having children until I had finished my PhD - and I really wish we hadn’t. TBH I wish we’d just started trying for a baby on our wedding night!
I wanted to be married before we had kids just for the neatness of it all I suppose, plus I really do feel that marriage cemented our relationship in quite a special (and unexpected) way. But buying a house and doing postgraduate studies really could have waited.
If I could do it all again I’d still do at least my BA, live together before marriage and want to be married before having babies but I would try for children earlier, just to milk every last drop of life I have left with them.
Marriage and age are both very important to me when it comes to having children. I am 23 and have no plans of starting a family til around 29 or 30. Right now, I’m only starting out with my career and there’s just way too many things that needs to be done before I can be prepared for marriage and capable of becoming a good parent. Of course I can’t wait forever for the “perfect timing” but I’d like to at least make sure that I can give a good life to my children. Also, I think that spending time as a married couple is important before having children. Everything changes drastically when one becomes a parent, so it is very important that you take time for your goals as an individual and as a married couple.
Okay, so Im the not so traditional person here. The baby thing came when we weren’t even expecting it to. I was 15 when I fell pregnant with my eldest. So at the time we were waaay to young to get married let alone even consider it. To me, it wasn’t about getting married, it was about supporting our baby together and still loving each other as well. Education has always been important to me but I have never been the academic type, more into sport, art, photography etc. Nevertheless I still managed to get good-ish exam results and went to college. We then went on to have two more kids before [name]Gavin[/name] finally popped the question and asked me to marry him. And then around 8 months later I became pregnant with the twins.
College is definitely valuable IF you are planning on having a career out side of the home. I would seriously evaluate your future plans and then decide what is best for you and your family. I am sad to see my college debt become more of a financial burden than an asset, but my husband and I are very happy with my decision to become a homemaker (a valid career option [name]IMO[/name]). Though it doesn’t pay well monetarily, we have never regretted our choice.
Concerning age, I agree it is not about how old you are but rather your maturity level. I’ve known 18 year olds that have loving, successful marriages and 40 year olds that should never go near an alter.
My husband and I are also Christians and saved ourselves for marriage, which is something we strongly believe in (our first kiss even was on our wedding day). I realize that this is a foreign concept to the main stream way of thinking, but it has kept our marriage bed sacred in our eyes and has done wonders for our emotional bond.
I’d want to be married before I had kids. I think if you’re committed enough to your relationship to take on all the responsibilities of marriage then (as long as you’re financially viable and mature enough generally over twenty five) you’re ready to have kids. Children deserve parents who are committed to each other. I feel like without marriage, there’s practically no incentive to try and work at your relationship should problems arise. It’s far too easy for either party to just walk away after an argument and have that be that.
I knew a girl (most definitely girl, she’s still has a teenage mindset now at twenty one) aged nineteen who had a baby with her much older boyfriend. Everything went ok for a while but after a few months they broke up.
The feeling of a united family bothers me too. The girl wishes she’d given the baby her own surname now, instead of her boyfriends because the baby is the only one in the family with a different surname.
((Tried to summarise how I feel here. Not sure how well it’s come across.))
I don’t think that marriage means someone is mature enough to have a baby. People walk away just as easily from a marriage. I think no matter your marital status, if you’re mature you’ll work for the relationship.
