How to break the news without breaking hearts?

I was wondering if you guys have some advice on how to best tell people that you are expecting a baby when you don’t think they will take the news well. I want to know what you guys think is the best way to tell your significant other/family/friends you are pregnant when your school/work/financial situation isn’t completely in order yet. Did any of you get negative reactions when you broke your news? How did you handle it? How can it be avoided?

  1. There is no “right” time to have a baby.
    You will never be financially stable enough, work could change in a heartbeat even if you did currently have a great job, and school will always be there to be finished. If everyone waited until the right time, many of us would wait to have children until we were too old and therefore have conception problems, and then people would say you shouldn’t have waited so long! You can’t please everyone.
  2. Babies make everyone happy, even if they arrive under not the greatest circumstances. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing! No matter what.
  3. If you are happy and positive about it, others will feed off of that. [name]Don[/name]'t let anyone dampen this ecstatic time in your life!!! It may not seem like it just yet, but this baby is going to be the best thing to ever happen to your life. Better than your diploma, career, or gobs of cash.

I wouldn’t even brace it with, “I know this isn’t coming at the best of times, but…Im pregnant” I would open with, “I have great news, and I hope you think its great too. Im going to have a baby!” Sure they may talk when you’re not around about how the timing isn’t wonderful, but let them. After 9 months when they are holding your baby and seeing the joy on your face, it won’t matter.

I was scared to death to tell my family I was expecting, and I had already graduated from college, had a job in my major area, was married, and owned a home. Everything was in place, yet I was still terrified to say it! Its a lot of change and that is the scary part. But my family couldn’t of been happier, I think they were more excited than me at first.

Search online and find some cute creative way to say it, and then just lay it out. Good luck and congratulations!!!

[name]Ellie[/name], are you pregnant or just curious?

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year when I got pregnant so I was quite nervous when I told him. I just braced myself and said it, and thankfully he was happy about it. We were dreading telling our families though, his family are Catholics and my dad is Jewish, my mum is Protestant. They were all excited though, even his mum who isn’t too crazy about me. My boyfriend pretty much mumbled his way through it, a lot of mmm’s and uhm’s, but he eventually got there. I think babies bring people together, and most people get excited about having a new addition to the family.

There is never really a right time to have a baby. We’re lucky, we have a house and both of us are educated. He’s an artist and I’m kind of between things, but we’ve got a steady income which of course makes having a baby easier. Also we’re in our 30’s and people tend to calm down at that point. I’ve had some people reacting to the fact that we’re not married, but that’s all really.

I agree with most of what vedettesoir said, except the unfortunate truth is babies don’t make everyone happy. Almost everyone, yes. But having counseled a lot of women in crisis pregnancies whose boyfriends, parents, and even husbands are encouraging or coercing them to have abortions, the truth is that some people don’t want that baby in their life for whatever reason.

The norm, though, is far more encouraging. [name]Even[/name] people who tell you now is not a good time will probably be happy anyway. And even if they aren’t, it’s not really your problem. Your problem is to be a good mom, and that’s all you need to worry about. Everyone else can love your baby and love you as a mother, or they can not. Doesn’t matter.

I agree you should keep the announcement positive and upbeat. [name]Don[/name]'t apologize. This is a blessing whether they think so or not.

Thank you all for your supportive comments, private messages, advice, and stories. I just need to keep up my self confidence. I am proud of what I have, who I am, and what I would be able to give my child. Thank you again and again, Berries.

Thanks again, Berries :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Hugs. We were only married 2 months when we got pregnant with our first (we were preventing) and got lots of flack but people eventually came around. Congrats, I hope you are able to celebrate with many who love the two of you.

Thank you, jemama :slight_smile: I only [name]JUST[/name] got my positive and I’m not going to let anyone bring down my excitement. We have almost 9 months to prepare and I need to remember that even if my mother-in-law (or anyone else) thinks we aren’t ready I know that we are. We can do this. I really appreciate the support! :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

Worst case scenario? I have to hear words I don’t like come from someone I love. That won’t kill me or the baby. I have to keep it in perspective.

[name]Ellie[/name], I’m (almost) sure she’ll be happy, especially as it seems like you have a great relationship. My parents, although thrilled, took no time in telling us that a) we needed to become less selfish and b) “thank god this happen to you two years ago, you would’ve made a terrible mother back then”. So with love comes criticism.

I’m so happy for you, lots of congratulations and good luck!!!

I’m crossing my fingers that she’s happy but I think she thinks she is too young for grandchildren. She also has a bad habit of blurting things out without thinking, too. Yikes! I’m feeling less panicked about the whole thing though. You guys helped me realize that even if she is negative I can get through that. Negative reactions won’t really effect me in the long run.

I’m still in the dark as to how or when to break the news. Did any of you tell one side of the family way before you told the other? Or is it proper etiquitte to tell everyone at once?

@ellie, that self-confidence is all that matters. If you and your husband are pleased, that’s all that is important. In an ideal world extended family would be equally stoked, but that does not always happen.

I have walked this road and am still walking it. I became unexpectedly pregnant with my son. At the time, we had been married for 2 years; we were in our 30s; I was working as a doctor and my husband a securities lawyer and we had a very handsome income that placed us in the upper 2% or so of Americans; this income has risen even more after his birth. If anyone should be ready and prepared, it was us.

Despite this my parents were deeply opposed to the pregnancy, did not like what it would represent for my career, and have only seen my son three times in his life (two of them being when I brought him to visit). They will not be attending his first birthday party. They spoke to me exactly twice while actually pregnant; their first words upon hearing the news were “Well, we think this is a big mistake.”

I share this only because none of it matters one whit to me. I really, genuinely don’t care. I am very happy to have my son, unplanned though he might have been, and his father adores him. As with all parents, it is very difficult to imagine life without him now.

Some people might genuinely be unhappy, and that might not be resolved even after the birth. But such is life.

Thanks for sharing, blade, I really appreciate it. I’m glad you don’t let their attitude bring you down & I’m going to do my best to do the same.

[name]Blade[/name], your story is interesting. I can’t imagine anybody being in a better position to be parents than you and your husband. In any case, I’m very happy for you. You seem like you are probably an incredible mother, and your son’s name is gorgeous.

Ellieberry, as for your question, etiquette certainly has its place in something as momentous as announcing a pregnancy, but every family is so different, it’s hard to know how it would apply to your situation. I am much closer to my mother than father, so I would probably call her first, then my Dad, then visit my in-laws in person since we live in the same town, then start making phone calls, starting with my siblings, then my Mom’s side of the family.

I love the idea of creative ways of telling people - gifts and such - but I know me and I’ll end up just blurting it out, sooner than I intended, probably. :slight_smile:

I’m rooting for you!

Thanks, missusaytch! I need the support! I’m growing my backbone and my baby, haha. I asked my SO when he wants to tell his parents he was like “We’ll let them know at the baby shower.” He cracks me up. He was all “[name]Do[/name] we HAVE to tell them?” Then he asked me when I wanted to tell my family and I admitted I had almost let it slip to my Aunt yesterday! So I am guessing that my side is going to find out before his. I want to tell his parents in person with both of us there so that they can’t really lay into us without us being able to say something back. I’m thinking that the latest we can tell them is [name]Easter[/name], right when I reach 12 weeks. [name]Do[/name] you guys think I’m risking an even worse reaction if we wait that long to tell them? I found this adorable quote “only the best dads are promoted to grandpa” & I want to use it somehow when we tell his parents. Maybe if I make it cute enough they won’t have the heart to be mean.

As far as blurting it out I called my sister, AT WORK, with tears streaming down my face, to tell her right after I got my + ! I’m such a spaz but fortunately she is used to me :slight_smile:

I was terrified to tell my parents and in-laws, We got married in [name]April[/name] and found out we were pregnant the first week of [name]December[/name]. I’m 21 and my DH is 20. We waited until [name]Christmas[/name] to tell any family, we told my family over skype since they are in FL and we live in [name]KY[/name]. They were…shocked and well didn’t say much. That hurt but I expected it since they had wanted us to wait like 5 years lol. We told his parents and family the same day in person we live 20 minutes away. They were like finally and pretty excited for us. [name]Both[/name] sides gave lectures over being young and need to save money. Now we are 15 weeks and everyone is excited, my mom and dad keep saying they are too young to be grandparents, but they want the baby/us to visit every summer since we live sooo far apart.

So even if they are not excited at first it will mostly likely grow on them =)

I’ve thought about this a bit myself, in a ‘what if’ scenario. My dad is conservative (bf and myself not married but dating almost six years, not married yet bc of his health/insurance/medical costs reasons) and my mom really wants a grandkid but would probably flip her lid if I were to actually fall pregnant! My family has always done things ‘by the book’ ie marriage then babies, almost everyone owning a house first as well. My boyfriend’s parents are kind of conservative as well, but older and he’s the only child and they’ve had relatives that have had kids out of wedlock (what a horrible term, lol) who have turned out alright… so i think they’d be more supportive.
If I had to tell them, i would first make a list of the concerns i expect them to have. (For us it’d be my job, his job and health, childcare, and living situation- our house/intensive animal rescue work aren’t very conducive to having a child) I would then do the research needed to answer those concerns, with a few possible options in mind (for me that might include moving to a bigger community with work opportunities, or even to my parents’ city, or just applying for jobs that pay better with my current employer). I would not paint a completely rosy picture, because I know my parents well enough that they tend to present the opposing view. That is to say, if I were like, “Omg we’re so thrilled- we’re pregnant! Isn’t that awesome?!” My parents would say, “are you even THINKING?!” but if I were to say, “Gosh we’re just so upset about this and it’s going to be horrible and so hard…” my mom at least would be more inclined to say, “Well yes, it’s going to be hard and this isn’t the best way for it to go, but you can find a way to make it work.” I think the best way to do it is acknowledge there are concerns and it may not be ideal, but you hope for/expect their support and love.
I think if your family is worried about a particular area (money, maturity, living space, education/career goals,…) you should address those first before they have a chance.

Thanks alfiejoe & anotherkate! I appreciate hearing your stories, your reassurances, & your recommendations. :slight_smile: