So we’re finding out the gender of our baby in a couple weeks and we already know the first name if its a girl, but we’re struggling to find a middle name we like.
My mom is convinced that we’ll use her name as the middle, even though neither me nor my husband have [name_u]EVER[/name_u] agreed to using it. She thinks its the only name out there that works with her first as a middle, when I’m sure there’s some name that would sound just fine. We are in love with the first name (we’re still figuring out the spelling we like best) but here’s the combo she wants us to use, I absolutely hate it.
Whenever we suggest another option, she gets super offended and she says we’ll choose her first name as the middle in the end. I don’t know how to tell her that we won’t be using her name
[name_m]Just[/name_m] a side note: I can’t figure out why she’s so obsessed about us using her name when we’re the first of four couples to have kids and its likely another sibling will have a girl and she can harass them about using her name. [name_f]Mini[/name_f]-rant, over.
I’d just write a list of names that you are considering as the middle name and give it to her, and ask for her opinion and if she complains that her name isn’t on it, say that you don’t think it flows with Winry and that’s the name that you really want to use. If she continues to talk about it, just say that you asked for her help with the middle name and she’s “abusing” that, so to speak.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] I helped a little
[name_m]Just[/name_m] remind her that she’ll love her grandchild regardless of the child’s name. I do sympathize…I had to eliminate my mother from my life because she’s never accepted any boundaries and she’s prone to violence when she doesn’t get her way. Things are much more peaceful now.
I would calmly explain to her that it’s your child, and you decide what to name him/her. Simple as that. Maybe you would also tell her that her name is wonderful, but it just doesn’t your type of name. Good luck!
I agree with everyone else. My mom and I have a weird dynamic so I would just say something like “Hey, it’s not happening and you need to deal with that if you want to be part of this process. So shut it.” It seems rude, but that’s how we work best together. I had to talk to her like that when I was pregnant with [name_f]Persephone[/name_f] because she insisted on telling everyone the name when I didn’t want her to. I had to tell her that if she didn’t “keep her mouth shut” then she could forget coming to the hospital as I was afraid she’d announce it before I was ready.
She recently asked if I could use her name ([name_f]Kristy[/name_f]) or some other [name_u]Kris[/name_u]/[name_u]Chris[/name_u] name and I had to say no. I don’t like any of them. BUT I did find another name that honors her and that I like. [name_m]Wilder[/name_m]. We bonds growing up with [name_m]Little[/name_m] House on the [name_u]Prairie[/name_u] and it makes me think of my mom. She’s happy I’m honoring her and likes [name_m]Wilder[/name_m], and I’m happy.
All of that to say, maybe you could both be happy? Maybe there’s a way to find a name that honors her but that you like?
Its not her baby - she had a turn naming her kids, and now its your turn. Tell her that, or that as much as you’d like to use her name you don’t think it’d be fair to DH’s parents or whatever & you don’t want to play favourites.
So, I’ve said this a bunch of times on NB but when I was pregnant (actually with my first), I was listing all the names we liked and mentioned [name_m]Theodore[/name_m]. My mom told me everyone would think of [name_m]Ted[/name_m] Bundy (the serial killer). My mom only liked [name_f]Mary[/name_f] and [name_f]Esther[/name_f] for girls and [name_m]John[/name_m] and [name_m]David[/name_m] for boys. To her, our names were way out there. She was very strong in her opinions and I learned after our first child not to tell her any names. I do discuss with others, just not my mom. We always wait until the baby is born to make a final decision (we are usually surprised boy/girl and go in with two or three names for each gender). I don’t even let her know the possibilities. This was hard in the beginning (for our second baby) but wasn’t an issue for number 3 and 4.
I think the short, broken record response is best. I learned this approach from a therapist a while ago. Basically, you know that the person has an issue with something and you think of a short reply (your mantra) in advance and just repeat. After you have said it a couple of times, you can just firmly and nicely let her know that you have already answered. The key is to not get yourself drawn in to explaining or justifying your decision. That’s always the hard part for me! So, maybe your mantra is something like, “Mom, we love and respect you but we want to give our daughter a name that is all her own. We won’t be using [name_f]Laurel[/name_f].” Now, stop! Repeat if necessary but no other argument! Whatever she says, nod and repeat! [name_f]Do[/name_f] not get drawn into a discussion or argument. If necessary, say that you have already answered and change the subject or walk away.
Unsolicited advice… I actually like [name_f]Laurel[/name_f] but you should use whatever name you and your husband agree on. With a 2 syllable first and last, I think a 3 syllable middle would work best… 2,3,2.
My mom was the WORST about our sons name. I mean, the WORST. I finally told her she had a chance to name her kids ( and I don’t think she did such a great job) so it was my turn. She found a nn for him that she likes and now even says she “doesn’t mind” his name anymore. I held my ground and ignored her and it passed.
