HOW to work with Difficult Naming Partner?

General Name Discussion
1

Dear Berries,

My husband and I are expecting a little girl! She will be our 3rd daughter. Our other daughters are much older (over a decade older), so the new baby will not be directly next to them in birth order or age. (We also have sons.)

Though I love him dearly, I have always had a fairly difficult time choosing names for our children with my husband. He likes a very limited range of names, many of which are outdated (not in a cool way).

He also doesn’t enjoy talking about names. Typically, he won’t discuss names in any serious way until after the baby is born. He says he wants to see the baby before we decide on a name. I would feel better about this if we were choosing from a previously decided upon short-list once the baby’s born.

I do NOT like starting from ground zero when the baby’s already here, and he finally gets serious about giving input on the names. Instead, this time I would really like to have our new daughter’s name chosen (or have two or three definite possibilities to choose from) before she is born.

I have tried bringing up the topic of names on different occasions when he was free from other distractions. I mention names to him that I like (and only those that I think he will like, certainly none of my Guilty Pleasure names or anything too “out there”) and then gauge his reaction to them. I also ask him to share with me any names he has thought of.

So far, he has said NO to all but 2 of the names I have suggested, including some of my favorites. The 2 he did not say an outright “No” to, are not my favorites but I like them alright.

For his part, he has suggested only 2 names to me that he likes. However, one of them we have already used for an older daughter’s middle!!

He insists it would be fine to use the exact same name in the first name spot for this new baby. My older daughter (whose middle name it is) and I both disagree with him on this. So he has only given me 1 viable option so far, and that name happens to be an alternate form of our other daughter’s middle name!!

Sorry to have been so long-winded. I am looking for any suggestions you may have for constructive ways to help me work with him on choosing this baby’s name.

I am tired of presenting him with names that I have spent months agonizing over, that I have come to love, only to have him dismiss them as soon as he hears them, and yet offer little to nothing of his own as alternatives.

I hope someone here can help us work together better on this. :slight_smile:

Thank you so much.

2

Have you tried explaining how you feel? Especially what you said about “I would feel better about this if we were choosing from a previously decided upon short-list once the baby’s born”? If you have and he’s still not being helpful, maybe you could try and make it more fun or interesting for him?

My husband isn’t nearly as interested in names as me, but he did enjoy basically doing a bracket-style elimination of names. Come up with 16 or 32 names that you like and make a bracket for him to narrow down. After you’ve got it down to 4 or 8, you could start trying combinations of the names left and see if he has a preference for any.

If that doesn’t work, I would probably get irritated and start throwing out obscure names like Xanthippe or [name_f]Caledonia[/name_f] (although you might want to use names that you’d still possibly use in case he likes one).

3

Wow… I can imagine how you feel. His ideas are basically re-used names only, which make it frustrating for you to come up with a list. I ahree with previous poster about explaining your feelings to him. Won’t it make any difference if you tell him it is important to have a few possibilities chosen before the baby is born? What about asking him to simply list 10 names he likes. [name_m]Just[/name_m] ask him to write down some names for you.

4

Thank you for these great ideas! I need to try them out.

However, I am not quite sure how a “bracket-style elimination of names” works.
Could you please explain it to me?

Sorry to sound dumb, but I am just not sure what to do after making my list of 16 or 32 names. [name_m]How[/name_m] would I have him narrow it down?

If I were to just hand him a list of even 16 names, he would probably get overwhelmed and just cross most of them off. Is there some specific method he would need to follow in the type of bracket-style elimination you mention?

5

Record yourself saying “You want to name our daughter your favorite name” in a soothing voice and play it for him as he sleeps.

6

Thank you so much for replying, luneth.
I really needed to vent a little bit when I wrote my post, and it really means a lot to have people reply with encouragement. I really appreciate your comments and also those of melissa55.
I will try your idea, as well as those of melissa55. He should be able to make a list of 10 names! LOL

Thank you again. :slight_smile:

7

LOL!!! I seriously laughed out loud as I read this! :smiley:

I love this!! Who knows, it just might work!

Thank you for making me smile. :smiley:

8

Here’s a situation where a couple did the bracket thing: Baby | BabyCenter

It’s basically like the basketball final four.

9

I will add to what the person above said.
You could start with 16 names, which you will put into pairs. Then, you pick a favorite out of each pair. Then you keep going. You can set it up like the person tagged above, or you can do it just on one side if you want to pick just one favorite name.

10

There are some great suggestions already! I would add:

  • To get the conversation started, you could try appealing to how much busier you are now than you were when you had your first and second babies and thus how much more exhausted/stressed/pulled in a million directions you’ll be once this one has arrived than you were with the others - his “method” of waiting to even begin the conversation until there’s a baby already in front of you will not work as well this time around for that reason. It’s totally understandable to you want some things nailed down (or at least thoroughly discussed) before this baby arrives. There are lots of things you won’t be able to do in advance, and this is one that you can.

  • Figure out whether it works better to sit him down for a big talk about it or whether it works better to have a series of short conversations about it. Some people would respond better to one than the other.

  • I have found that my husband’s memory for which names he likes and dislikes is pretty poor (at least compared to mine, but understandably he is not a name nerd in the way that I am). [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t underestimate the possibility that offering up your favourite names months after he’s dismissed them could get you a different result.

  • If you need a solid reason against naming your third child a variation on another child’s middle name, I think it should be enough to say that each child deserves her own name - you don’t want your third child to feel like her name was an afterthought (because clearly it isn’t! Here you are, trying to get her her own!). Also, if your older daughter whose name it is is old enough to care about this and doesn’t like the idea, I think that’s all the more reason against it.

I love the bracket idea. Good luck!

11

Oh! NOW I get it! :smiley:

Thank you so much! I am definitely going to try this!

(Only possible problem: I am not sure HE is going to be able to fill in 32 names of his own choosing!)

12

Thank you for the extra clarification. :slight_smile:
That helped me to understand how to do the elimination of names.

Thanks! I really appreciate your reply. :slight_smile:

I REALLY do appreciate everyone’s replies!!

13

oregano7,

Thank you for all those great points you brought up, and your suggestions!

All of you who have replied have really helped to fill me with hope that naming this daughter of ours can be a happy experience after all!

Thank you! Thank you! :smiley:

14

First-- I am curious to know your existing children’s names! And which one(s) he is trying to re-use. Please share! :slight_smile: And if you could share what his suggestions are, and what your favorites are, maybe we could find something to meet in the middle?

I think the bracket-style thing is a fantastic idea. Especially if he’s really crummy at coming up with his own suggestions.

Another thing I’ve done with my husband is to make out a list, say maybe 10 names at a time, and tell him he can only cross out 5 names. See which five are left, how much does he like/hate them? Find out what he likes/doesn’t like about them. Sometimes if you find out WHY they don’t like something, you can work to undo that particular thing. (For example: [name_u]Charlie[/name_u] reminds him of the cartoon character. Okay, well look at these other well-known [name_u]Charlie[/name_u]'s, breaking that association, kwim?)

Also, I feel like some men just need more time for a name to grow on them. He likes your existing daughter’s names because he is so used to them. Get a name he maybe feels moderate about, and try it out for a few days. [name_m]Say[/name_m] the name, order your coffee with the name, call your bump that name, etc. Then do different name after that. Maybe over time something new will grow on him.

I would definitely put my foot down on the re-usage of names. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t budge on that if you don’t want to.

15

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. I don’t even really know the types of names he actually like (you at least know your husband likes “outdated”). It can be difficult when they’re not very serious about it, especially when you are. My husband also doesn’t discuss it in any “real” way ever. He only jokingly suggests names like Basilicus and Apex when pressed. (Well… maybe not funny to some on Nameberry.) He also seems to have negative association with almost everything, even the most “regular” of names, and to him that is a dealbreaker. But I’m like, there are good and bad people with every name… If you really want to compromise and have a list of a few names beforehand, my best advice would be to explain to him exactly why you find names to be important and not trivial, and therefore why the issue needs to be taken seriously. Different people have different sensibilities is all. But when it comes to something like a name, you have it for life. Maybe tell him that’s why it’s important.

16

[QUOTE=littlepenelope;3307586]First-- I am curious to know your existing children’s names! And which one(s) he is trying to re-use. Please share! :slight_smile: And if you could share what his suggestions are, and what your favorites are, maybe we could find something to meet in the middle?

Another thing I’ve done with my husband is to make out a list, say maybe 10 names at a time, and tell him he can only cross out 5 names. See which five are left, how much does he like/hate them? Find out what he likes/doesn’t like about them. Sometimes if you find out WHY they don’t like something, you can work to undo that particular thing.

Also, I feel like some men just need more time for a name to grow on them. He likes your existing daughter’s names because he is so used to them. Get a name he maybe feels moderate about, and try it out for a few days.

Thank you so much for your response; I love your ideas for helping me find out what he likes/doesn’t like about certain names and trying to get to one he can feel good about. :slight_smile:

I apologize for taking this long to get back to this thread. I have had a lot of computer problems and trouble getting onto Nameberry.

My existing childrens’ names are, BOYS: [name_m]Ad[/name_m]@m, Br@dley, Curti$, Tr3vor
GIRLS: M@rissa, [name_u]Seren[/name_u]@

Names he wanted to re-use: R@chel as a first name for the new baby, even though it already belongs to an older daughter (her middle) and he also suggested [name_f]Angelica[/name_f] (an older daughter already has [name_u]Angel[/name_u]@ in the middle).

Names he has suggested:

[name_f]Angelica[/name_f]
[name_f]Alexandria[/name_f]
[name_u]Alexis[/name_u]
[name_f]Brynn[/name_f]
[name_f]Carrie[/name_f]
[name_f]Danika[/name_f]
[name_f]Katelyn[/name_f]
[name_f]Kirsten[/name_f]
[name_f]Kristen[/name_f]
[name_f]Rachel[/name_f]

Of his list, I like:

[name_f]Angelica[/name_f] (I would use this, BUT he has now changed his mind; see note below)
[name_f]Alexandria[/name_f] ([name_f]Lovely[/name_f], BUT so long that it will inevitably be shortened; I hate [name_u]Alex[/name_u] for a girl)
[name_f]Rachel[/name_f] (but CAN’T re-use it) :slight_smile:

Since giving me these suggestions, he has now changed his mind about [name_f]Angelica[/name_f] (says he doesn’t really like it now, thinks it’s got too many syllables; YET he likes [name_f]Alexandria[/name_f], which has even MORE syllables!) :rolleyes:

My favorites include:

[name_f]Angelica[/name_f]
[name_f]Adriana[/name_f]
[name_f]Caroline[/name_f]
[name_f]Cassandra[/name_f] / [name_f]Kassandra[/name_f]
[name_f]Celeste[/name_f]
[name_f]Celia[/name_f]
[name_f]Cecilia[/name_f]
[name_f]Cecily[/name_f]
[name_f]Diana[/name_f]
[name_f]Elena[/name_f] / [name_f]Elaina[/name_f]
[name_f]Felicity[/name_f]
[name_f]Genevieve[/name_f]
[name_f]Guinevere[/name_f]
[name_f]Helena[/name_f]
[name_f]Iris[/name_f]
[name_f]Isla[/name_f] / [name_f]Ila[/name_f]
[name_f]Jane[/name_f] / [name_f]Jayne[/name_f]
[name_f]Katherine[/name_f] / [name_f]Catherine[/name_f] / [name_f]Kathryn[/name_f]
[name_f]Leila[/name_f]
[name_f]Lila[/name_f]
[name_f]Lilac[/name_f]
[name_f]Lilia[/name_f]
[name_f]Marguerite[/name_f]
[name_f]Melisande[/name_f]
[name_f]Virginia[/name_f]
[name_f]Vivienne[/name_f]

The only name from my list that he said “Maybe” to is [name_f]Diana[/name_f] :expressionless:

Any ideas, anyone?

[name_m]HOW[/name_m] can I meet this man in the middle??

I SO badly want to [name_u]LOVE[/name_u] my new daughter’s name!

17

@ lovebeingmommy -you have some great advice from quite a few and I doubt I have anything worthy to suggest. Like other PPs I really want to extend some best wishes though. You are maintaining a very resilient attitude in the face of ‘resistance.’ It’s quite wonderful you’re so patient to ensure you have a name you love -I hope your daughter will appreciate just how much her mom put into this, if not she will undoubtedly know what a wonderful mom she has in general.

My only suggestion would be that since your expected daughter is age & stage wise a distance from your earlier daughters - Could there be some sense of your DH feeling ‘out of touch’? -a tad anxious to get it right? but its coming out in a more uncooperative /negative manner?

I note your list is still fairly extensive (he may not get that a number are variants either) and I am guessing this is so particularly to be accommodating. Can you narrow your own list down to a perhaps 4 much loved names (Berries to help if necessary) and
then get some feedback from him? Also use the ‘hypnotic’ method -its surprising -familiarity can make the name acceptable. DH has fed some back to me and I have nearly screamed <but you hate that!> < yes, I did but you are always saying it and I have gotten used to it now>( [name_f]Ophelia[/name_f] is the exception here) There’s a slight possibility your husband needs you to be ‘showing’ you are confident. Discussing meanings and significance could also bring more interest! if you have not tried already!
Enough amateur psychology!
reiterating you have amazing forbearance.
My very best wishes for a healthy baby and a name you love.

18

Using the same name is ridiculous. If he can’t come up with new names, name them yourself. Or tell him to bear and deliver the child. Sorry but I think each partner should be able to come up with at least a dozen names or so he likes, not just one.

19

It’s funny because in my country the law says that brothers and sisters (that are alive) can’t share the same name. I understand your frustation. I love the bracket thing for you, it will force him to make choices. I would also try to explain him how you feel and how stressed it makes you. He has to understand that he has to be more helpful.

I see that he likes [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f] and you like [name_f]Katherine[/name_f]. Maybe start from there?

He has said “maybe” to [name_f]Diana[/name_f]. Let him try it for a while to see if he warms up to it. [name_f]Diana[/name_f] is a truly wonderful name (yes, I’m biased, but it’s so pretty). He still likes [name_f]Alexandria[/name_f] and you love [name_f]Cassandra[/name_f]. [name_m]How[/name_m] about [name_f]Alexandria[/name_f] nn. [name_f]Sandra[/name_f]? Or [name_f]Diana[/name_f] [name_f]Alexandria[/name_f]? Good luck and let us know if you need more support or help! <3

20

@ it_is_morning -

Thank you so much for your encouragement and best wishes. I appreciate it.
I think you may be right about his being somewhat anxious to get her name “right”.

With our older two daughters, he really wanted to use the name [name_f]Kristen[/name_f].
He is still wanting to use it this time, so I feel somewhat guilty about vetoing it, since he really likes it.

HOWEVER, my big reservation about that name is that I happen to know it was the name of a girl he really liked, years before he met me. So I would probably always think of that, and that is not what I want for our daughter’s name.

Additionally, I don’t really like the name itself. In any case, I do not feel it “goes with” our other daughters’ names, in terms of femininity or style. And I feel like it’s a 1980’s name, whereas I really prefer names that are more timeless (where one can’t really pin down the decade the bearer of the name was born).

The other name he is really pushing for this time is [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f]. To me, [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f] is an overused name with a trendy spelling.

Rather than [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f], I would personally choose [name_f]Katherine[/name_f], [name_f]Catherine[/name_f], or [name_f]Katharine[/name_f].
He doesn’t really like [name_f]Katherine[/name_f] (or variant spellings).

In place of [name_f]Kristen[/name_f], I would choose [name_f]Christina[/name_f] or [name_f]Kristina[/name_f], or even [name_f]Christine[/name_f].

The rest of the names he had listed, it turns out, he doesn’t really care about one way or the other. He simply put them down because I had asked him to make a list.

If given his choice, he thinks our new daughter’s name really should be [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f] (or [name_f]Kaitlyn[/name_f]; he can’t even decide how to spell it!) It just “feels like the right name for her”, to him.

I honestly don’t know how we managed to name two previous daughters!

However, I wonder if he really feels that I got my preference with their first names, although his choice was used for the middle. In daily life, the girls are known by their first names, so his choices (middle names) really aren’t known or used by most people.

Could be why he is pushing for either [name_f]Katelyn[/name_f] or [name_f]Kristen[/name_f] this time around. The names HE likes.

But I just can’t see naming our daughter either of those names!
And he seems to only like those actual names, NOT variants of those names or names which share the same meanings.
He doesn’t care about the meanings of names, or about their popularity or history of use. But those are things that I care about a great deal!

And yes, you’re right that my list is rather long because I am trying to be accommodating and give him plenty of choices. I do like quite a range of names.
But I will try your suggestion of whittling my list down to 4 (or 5) names that I really love, and then seek his feedback.

Thank you again, so much, for your kind words of encouragement!