I’m having a bit of a problem. DH is quite irritable and yells and swears all the time. He was like that sometimes before we had our baby but now it’s a lot worse. He also won’t let me leave the house when I want to. He’ll restrain me and he knows it’s just to go calm down. I’ve explained it before.
He’s on paternity leave for another 2 months. This is the first time we’ve been alone together so long.
I’m trying to encourage him to get marital counselling with me because I can’t handle it. I told him I don’t want my son growing up hearing arguing and yelling all the time. I’m also going through a very hard time right now. My mom is dying of cancer. She has 3-6 months to live and is getting palliative care.
I’m disappointed to say the least. Sorry for the long post.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] [name_f]Theresa[/name_f], this sounds like a really tough time
Restraining you when you try to leave the house sounds a bit scary to me… you say “he knows it’s just to go calm down”: so does he only attempt to restrain when you two are arguing? What kind of things are the arguments about, and with the yelling and swearing, they sound quite full on?
When he yells and swears, is it ‘at’ you or baby? Or more of a “f-ing computer never working” kind of swearing? Is he physically gentle with both you and your son?
When did he start paternity leave? It sounds like a very long leave. And if neither of you are getting out the house much - to see other friends and family, to go out for brunch, to take baby to baby swim lessons or the park - then I think that could contribute to any normal person getting irritable/depressed. Were you dating very long before getting married?
Also, do you have other people nearby - other friends, family (clearly your mother’s very unwell) - that you can talk to as well or get support from… even stay with if you felt you needed to?
Sorry about all the questions!
It could be worth looking into the possibility that your husband has a form of post-natal depression or anxiety, or is stressed/anxious about this sudden new baby in general, or about work and providing for a family or something like that. But that will be tricky if he’s not the kind of person to recognise where he has a problem or be able to talk about it.
Has he sounded at all open to your suggestion of marriage counselling? Counselling of some form sounds like a great idea. If he refuses, maybe you could go along by yourself just to have someone else to listen and offer support and advice?
BUT first and foremost is your own safety and the safety of your child. Physically restraining you to prevent you from leaving your own home, is quite simply getting well into abusive/domestic violence territory. If you feel at all unsafe, if he makes any violent threats, if there’s ongoing emotional abuse about things you aren’t doing well enough or you not being good enough and he’s not getting any help for himself… please put yourself and your child first and find a safe place to go? There’d be agencies to support. It would be difficult and stressful and might even mean the difficult decision to call quits on your marriage, but your health and safety do need to come first.
I second everything Kiriko said. It may be post-natal depression, but please look after you and your baby.
Physical restraint to me would definitely be crossing the line, and would definitely call for counseling at the least.
I’m sorry to be so dramatic about this and I don’t want to cause you any more stress than I’m sure your already dealing with but just reading your post makes me concerned for your welfare. So please take care of yourself and your baby!
@kiriko It’s fine! Thank you for taking the time to respond.
He’s just mad in general at something or at me for what he considers is bothering him. When I leave and he restrains me it’s only during arguments. He yells and swears at me, not the baby. He calls me names and argues on a whim seemingly. Everything depends on his mood so I never know what reaction I’ll get.
I can always go to my grandparents but as I explained he always restrains me from leaving when it gets that bad. Like I’m not allowed to leave. By the time things calm down to where I could I don’t because I can get through it at that point.
We’ve known each other our whole lives. Weve been together for over 7 years and got married 1 1/2 years ago after 6 years of dating.
He’s willing to get counselling thankfully but he’s far from taking full responsibility for his actions. I just pray he will. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
Thanks for everyone’s responses. My mom has told me the same things. I don’t want to think of divorce but if he won’t change then I won’t have a choice but to.
I’m glad to hear he’s open to counseling. Find a good therapist, do your research on their orientation, then weigh what you think may work well with both you and also your husband’s temperament.
There has to be a hard rule against anything physical, and it may come once you’re seeing someone you both trust, as well as deeper insight on his part and taking responsibility for it.
I will say that it’s common for people to have their early childhood stuff come up once they’re in a “truly” committed relationship. Maybe you know something about the way he grew up or what he’s had to face in his life (abandonment by a parent? Perceived or real). These issues are meant to be worked through, if at all possible. You’ve known each other for a long time, so there hopefully is enough of a trust base for this growth to happen.
I’m glad you spoke up here, and I wish you the best in navigating through this time.
What he does by restraining you from
leaving is abuse. He needs counseling, but not marital, he needs individual counseling in order to deal with his anger issues.
Please, please make sure that you and your little one are physically safe.
I realize this has already been said but I think it needs to be said again. Restraining you from leaving the house is abuse. It’s not a “bad mood,” it’s not just something done out of anger, it is literally the definition of abuse. I know this is painful to hear but your husband is abusive.
I understand that you love him. I understand that he loves you. That’s unfortunately irrelevant here.
I have extensive personal experience with this subject. This is not an over dramatic reaction. Women are socially conditioned (or perhaps biologically programmed) to react to abuse with a “tend and befriend” method. (I suggest reading about it, it’s very interesting!) When men perceive a threat, they engage in either “fight” or “flight” as everyone knows. But women have a third possible reaction: “tend and befriend.” We try to make the threat calmer and we adjust our own behavior to accommodate and soothe the threat so it becomes no longer threatening. This, I believe, is what is happening with you when you ultimately decide not to leave the house because you “can get through it at that point.”
This is what you said: “He’s just mad in general at something or at me for what he considers is bothering him. When I leave and he restrains me it’s only during arguments. He yells and swears at me, not the baby. He calls me names and argues on a whim seemingly. Everything depends on his mood so I never know what reaction I’ll get.”
I want you to read that paragraph over again as if your best friend had said it to you. [name_f]Imagine[/name_f] her sitting with you and telling you all that with tears in her eyes. What would you say to her? Would you tell her to stay with that person? Would you tell your son to stay with a partner who treated him this way?
I’m sorry to be so blunt and I know this is very presumptuous of me to say to a stranger, but I’ve seen too many women in this situation and it has never, ever gotten better over time. I think you are far from a solution involving counseling. Unfortunately, this situation is unlikely to get permanently better. Yes, he’ll be better for a few weeks or months but he’ll snap again and it might be worse next time. I think you should start considering a divorce. I honestly believe it would be better to divorce this man than to raise your child in a house with a person who screams at his mother calling her names. It’s very possible that your son growing up around this man will lead to him believing this is how men should treat women, that it is acceptable to restrain women and call them names. He may become an abuser himself. (I’m sorry for how offensive this probably sounds to you but this is a statistical possibility.)
If nothing else, please please please do some research on abuse. In movies it’s portrayed in a way that makes the abuser look like a monster with fists raised in the air, but abuse rarely looks like that. It usually looks exactly like your situation. There is nothing acceptable about his behavior and there is absolutely no justification for his actions that would lead me to believe that you or your son will be safe and happy with him longterm.
I’m truly sorry that you are going through this. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me via private message if you want to talk further.
I agree with PP’s, this is totally unacceptable behavior, and, as someone who just left a relationship similar (although before I had children with him), this could be classed as a form of abusive behavior. You definitely should consider seeking help for yourself, to put not only your son, but also yourself first.
He restrains you? [name_f]Honey[/name_f], you need to leave. It won’t get any better unless you take drastic action to show him it’s unacceptable to treat you and your child that way. The safety of you and your son is more important than his feelings.
I am so sorry, but I must agree this response is 100% correct. He is shouting at you, calling you names and insults, and restraining you - you are in an abusive relationship and you need to carefully, but deliberately, extricate yourself from him.
You and I are strangers, but I am going to paint a very real and unpleasant picture for you, to try to contextualize the situation you and your son are in.
My mother and father divorced when I was very young. My mother remarried a man who showed some red flags early in the relationship (similar to your husband), but she overlooked them as infrequent flukes.
When I was 12, they had my sister. Almost immediately after the baby was born, something in her father/my stepfather changed. I was too young to know what happened, but I certainly felt the effects: he began to drink excessively, fight at work, spend money we didn’t have, and isolate himself from the rest of the family. My entire family ate meals in complete silence for fear of setting him off.
He would scream at/insult my mother. He would also restrain her from going places, and once even threw her across the kitchen so hard she dented the handle of the oven when she hit it.
It did not get better, of course. He resisted counselling - certainly on an individual level, and he dismissed marital sessions as useless because obviously the counselor was just trying to impress/sleep with my mother.
He began to drink and shout more and more. One day, already drunk, he tried to take the car to go buy more beer. My mother took the keys so he couldn’t leave, and do you know what he did?
He held his own baby daughter hostage until my mother gave in.
I am not embellishing this story to alarm you. I was about 14; I very clearly remember my mother’s terror. We moved shortly thereafter; packed up the entire house while he was at work, because she knew there was no other way to go. He wouldn’t have let her leave if he had been there.
I have several other stories I could tell you, but I hope this one brings you some clarity. For the sake of yourself and your child, you need to leave him. There will always be a “next time” and it will become progressively worse. I’m sorry, and I wish you the best of luck. Please seek help ASAP while you still can.
I have to agree that this situation will likely get worse. I am weighing in about the impact on the child. My father was controlling and abusive. I could tell you many stories, but I will simply say that my sisters and I have all been in abusive relationships. Fortunately we do not have any brothers as statistically they would have a high chance of carrying on the family tradition of being the abuser.
You must think of your child’s future. I’m sure that you are. We tend to heavily weigh having our children’s fathers in their lives - as we should - but we need to keep it in proportion to all of their needs.
I encourage you to seek couseling for yourself so that you can make the best decision for you and your son. Please do not let him talk you into having more children. If you decide to leave, two babies will just make it more difficult to leave.
