[name_f]My[/name_f] DH and I have a wonderful little girl and I want to have one more child, but I can’t convince him to go for it. I am 40 later this year. Does anyone have experience with this, or any way of easing my mind about having an only child?
I’m an only child.
One benefit is that you won’t have to worry about splitting your attention among children.
I’m the second of five but was raised as an only child. You’ll be able to give them more special attention, the house will be less messy, they’ll won’t fight due to having no one to fight (except you and hubby), you’ll have more free time, multiple children are expensive, they’ll be good at speaking with adults, & they become independent quicker.
Have you talked about why he only wants one? Is one overwhelming? Does he have concerns about money, vehicle/house size, lifestyle, etc? Is he just comfortable with one? Depending on what is going on, you may be able to talk things over or make some changes in your situation that may make another child possible.
Personally, I’m kind of on the “let’s stay at one” page. At least for now. I adore having my son and always dreamed about have at least two kids. As it stands, having a child is too overwhelming at times for me to consider having another at the moment. I’m content with spending so much one-on-one time with my toddler that I wouldn’t be able to have while pregnant or having an infant.
Sending internet hugs to you though! It can be so hard when your heart tells you yes but you get told no. Your feelings are both valid and I hope you all can maybe turn that “no” into a “possibly” or a “yes”. Hang in there! And no matter what, your little one is loved and will know she is loved.
Has he given his reasons ?
Personally I can understand why you would want to have another one more than his refusal to not have a second.
I would really find it hard to be an only child.
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband took a lot of convincing to agree to go for another one. I think he was fine with just two since we had twins the first time. I really wanted one more though.
His main concern was health issues for the baby. We have no history or reason to suspect something like that but it’s just a real fear of his and gives him anxiety to even think about.
I’m 35 so was able to do all the early genetic testing this time which eased his mind a lot.
I agree with the other posters who suggested trying to understand his reasoning in not wanting to try again. Could be something he’s really worried about and maybe there’s a way to help ease his fears.
@whatchamacallit I love your user name.
@whatchamacallit @Artemis31 @namergirl3
I am pretty sure I can describe the reason my husband has as just a general anxiety of an infant and even though I am by far the primary and have no problem being so, he can’t get past his anxiety. He wants to get a vasectomy, but has been waiting due to COVID. Any time I talk about it he gets so serious and I can tell he is conveying to me that he is so sure he has never been so sure of anything in his life there is nothing I can say or do to change his mind. I had to convince him of the first one, and I was always ok with one anyway, until I had one and realized there is no family around at all for her except me and my husband. Then COVID made it a million times worse, which I know isn’t forever. I would like to have another unless she/he is not wanted by dad. He loves his little girl though.
I feel your pain. It’s so frustrating when you’re at a different place in wanting to TTC than your partner is. Probably one of the more frustrating things that can happen in a relationship. (At least it was for me)
I’m the primary caregiver for my kids too since I’m a SAHM but obviously still require his help (especially since we had twins).
It took my husband a few weeks after we got pregnant to be truly happy about it. He didn’t come around until after the NIPT results I think. Sad because I felt a bit alone in those first few weeks but it was all just his anxiety and nothing against me or the baby itself.
I realize it’s a very difficult thing to talk about when your partner seems to have made up his mind but maybe counseling could help?
I told my husband I would probably need to talk to someone if he was sure he wouldn’t change his mind because I felt that strongly about it. [name_f]May[/name_f] seem dramatic but that’s how I was feeling at the time and I didn’t want it to cause long-term problems in our relationship.
I hope it all works out for you and that he does come around!
[name_m]Just[/name_m] know that your daughter will be ok either way and take the time to take care of yourself and your own emotions around this issue too.
I’m sorry that’s hard when they feel very set in their ways.
A couple of things…
You could ask him if he is willing to refrain from a vesectomy for a few months so he can revaluate and not be too hasty in making a choice.
He has to remember there are two of you in a relationship and you’ll have to come to some form of compromise and personally giving it some time to think and mull over is what he owes you, as it’s something you want and you’re both a partnership/team.
Also have you considered asking him to view this from your daughter’s perspective? Wouldn’t she like a sibling or a play mate? Has he considered these things maybe?
Lastly, if you are a SAHM then you are the primary care giver and so the biggest person it’s likely to affect in terms of time and management is yourself right? Sometimes people fear change because change is scary and so if you remind him the changes are ok he may warm to the idea?
From personal experience my partner was against the idea of a third. This was 8 months ago… he has now warmed to the idea and we are TTC our third at the moment. I think you don’t regret the child you had but regret the child you didn’t have. And I had an honest chat about how I don’t feel complete or done yet… And whilst I still don’t think he is jumping for joy over the idea. He understands and sees my perspective and therefore is now not opposed to the idea.
I think it’s unfair to your husband to try to convince him to have a second when he already took an uneven compromise in having one child. It sounds like you know he really doesn’t want another, and I think you should be the one to compromise this round.
You’re right- Covid may feel like it, but it won’t be forever. It sounds to me like you and your family could use a support system that carries throughout your life more so than another child.
I would suggest trying to build up a solid village so that you all feel loved and supported outside of the immediate family unit.
[name_f]Every[/name_f] kid is different, but my only child friend/semi-brother always jokes that when he first moved to our neighborhood and got to know my family(4 kids), he knew he didn’t want siblings because we were enough. It really does take a village, and he’s become a wonderful adult with us as stand-ins. And I’m sure your daughter will be the same!
If your husband is truly against another child just because of an inevitable infant stage have you considered fostering or adoption
As an only child myself, I always wished I’d had another sibling. Depending on if your husband has siblings or not, that could be a reason as to why he only wants one.