Husband wants to name baby after himself

Name Advice
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[name_f]My[/name_f] husband is a [name_m]Jr[/name_m]. - technically he’s a IV (fourth), but it’s a long story. He wants to name our son to become the third (technically fifth!) in the line.

For the first two trimesters of my pregnancy, he didn’t want to talk about names saying he wasn’t in the right headspace for it. Then, when it came time (I’m 29 weeks), he expressed that having a legacy meant a lot to him, and this is I guess his idea of a legacy.

I cannot explain how much I dislike this for so many reasons. I think it’s old fashioned and strange. It places too much on a little kid. The baby will have your last name. Is that not enough? This will likely be our only child as we are both older. So the chances of having a second that I actually get to name are slim. His name is not unique at all. To be honest, I’ve never thought it really fit him even before I knew he was a [name_m]Jr[/name_m]. and it was just the default because he was the oldest boy.

I’m really trying, but I cannot wrap my mind around it. I’ve even come up with a wonderful compromise that is a variation of his dad’s nickname (he’s never even been called by his actual name - which irks me even more that they’re just giving people this name and then calling them something totally different), with the middle name of a beloved uncle of mine. This would also make the same initials that four generations before him have had since he expressed he thought it was nice that his dad can pass things he’s written his initials on down to him, and they’re the same.

Now, he’s pretty much stonewalled me. Tears have been shed. I feel completely powerless like I’m going to end up with my sweet baby boy after we lost a baby boy before at 21 weeks, and he’s going to have a name that doesn’t fit him and is just the legacy of his family with mine being totally erased. But is your legacy really just his name? Not you being his father and teaching him and caring for him?

I’m sorry. This is probably overly emotional for this board, but I’m pregnant and emotional and honestly sick about this. Please give me some of your wisdom on how to handle it.

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. [name_f]My[/name_f] heart is breaking reading this, and it is definitely not what you need while you navigate pregnancy and growing a little human.

It seems that your husband has shot down compromises you have suggested, but I will throw out a few more ideas just in case.

If sharing initials for the sentimental items passed down is important to him, would he be open to using his (and his fathers) initials, but choosing names you both love?

Another idea would be to use his first and middle name as two middle names for your son. For example, if your husband is [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_u]James[/name_u] [name_m]Smith[/name_m], you could suggest naming your son [name_u]Jasper[/name_u] [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_u]James[/name_u] [name_m]Smith[/name_m] (or whatever first name you both love).

In my personal opinion, it is not fair for him to throw this ultimatum on you with no warning- after all, he has known he is a junior (or 4th) for the entire time you have been together, married, and trying for a baby, and you have tried to have conversations about names before which he had shut down. He had plenty of opportunities to share this requirement with you.

Stay strong, I know this must feel so overwhelming but you will get through this :heart:

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Thank you for your kindness. Those are really good suggestions. :heart:

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I am so sorry for what you are going through. It would be especially hard that he waited until the last minute to actually discuss names with you because I’m sure that makes you feel more trapped in the situation.

I can somewhat relate, and here is my ranty paragraph of why I also dislike passing on full names.

[name_f]My[/name_f] husband is a [name_m]Jr[/name_m] (officially the II), and I hate it. (Click for more details)

[name_f]My[/name_f] FIL and him go by the same first name, so it’s confusing for everyone. There are no nicknames for the name either. It weirds me out so much that I avoid calling my FIL by his name at all costs even though my husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. I usually just talk at his dad and hope he figures it out, or I ask my husband to get his attention for me. It seems that when someone called their name, both of them reply, neither of them reply (thinking it was for the other one), or the wrong one replies. We lived with them for 6 months between a couple moves, and we couldn’t auto-forward my husbands mail over because his dad’s mail will come too, so his parents have to hold onto his mail for us and bring it over. Additionally, my FIL and I don’t have a great relationship because he’s been rude to me many times, and I dislike that he has the same name since names mean a lot.

Anyway, we just had a baby boy last week, and we chose a new name for this baby (i.e. he is not the III). [name_f]My[/name_f] husband has known for a while that I didn’t want to continue the tradition, and while he was disappointed, he was respectful of my thoughts on it. It did not seem reasonable for to have 3 people in my life with the same name. [name_f]My[/name_f] suggested compromise was to have the baby go by his middle name (which I know doesn’t work for you), but my husband didn’t like that idea, so we broke the tradition. [name_m]Just[/name_m] a couple hours ago, I was holding our son and asked my husband, “are you glad we gave him his own name?” and my husband replied that he is still a little bummed because that was an idea he had his whole life (since he grew up like that and had a ton of extended family who did the exact same thing), but he was also okay with the choice we made and likes our son’s name.

It’s not fair for one person to get their way and the other not to. While it is very disappointing for your husband to have to let it go even though he’s been thinking about it for a long time, he has to remember that you have also had your whole life to think about what naming a child would be like. If you went with another [name_m]Jr[/name_m], you would have to give up on what you’ve wanted to do your whole life: actually participate in naming a child. It would be so sad if you were robbed if that opportunity. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though having a child with the same name is his idea of having a legacy, it doesn’t mean it’s the only way to have a legacy. Like you said, who he is as a father and mentor is much more of a legacy. Especially if no one is actually using the name anyway. Is your husband open to having a part of his name as the middle name? Is there something else that means a lot to your husband that you could use to honor him (special interest, special place, etc.)?

In addition to letting him know how giving the baby the family name hurts you, it might also help for you to discuss how him waiting to talk about names with you makes it a lot harder because you both need time to think about the information. If he wanted to continue this tradition, he put you in a hard place waiting until the very end to bring it up, which just isn’t fair.

Again, I am so sorry about your situation! I can definitely see why you’re upset about it. I wish you lots of luck :crossed_fingers:t3:

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My close friend went through a similar but easier situation: her husband’s (posh euro) family always calls the eldest son a not-very-pleasant name (think something like Geekel) and they then use the middle names for all these sons anyway. Said friend is a child of a progressive politician and a scientist so, coming from that culture, even taking the husband’s name was something she felt should not be assumed. Anyway, she managed to get her husband to see how she felt - like a mere carrier, evoking the priest’s “she will breed” of medieval times - having no choice over the name as well as losing her last name, on top of the weirdness that his mother’s family also cancelled out. She pointed out that someone else in the family could take on the tradition if it meant something to them. Thankfully, he got it. Her parents’ in law didn’t talk to her for a while, but got over it once they met the baby.

That’s the other thing: your husband might be overplaying how much this actually matters to him. Could it be some pre-baby nerves on his part? I mean, customs and rituals matter, but I agree with you, what matters more is his relationship with his child, the meanings you jointly have and tell him about his name, the fun things you guys do together as a family, the connection he has to you (yes) but also his own identity and path. I’d also bet and hope there are other things about his family (and on his mother’s side too) and yours that single out the families more than this (fairly young) naming tradition.

Having a child (who isn’t traumatised) requires parents who can have conversations about hard things, can talk about what’s really driving them (do you know why he’s so attached to this?), can compromise, come up with creative and fair solutions, and preserve the relationship over being right. If I were you, I would say that you need to each come up with a handful of possible solutions* because you’re not just going to be silenced into this outcome - it may be the option you go for - and you should keep it on the table - but you won’t go with it just because you’ve been strong-armed into it. Equally, you’re going to help him get an outcome he can live with. But as two parents, it has to be something you can both feel happy with. Also, I really like the point above: this is also about your dreams of having the experience of naming a child (and maybe you had names you were always hoping to use too).

Use this carefully as don’t want to amp up the stakes, but the you’re the one who is giving two years of your own body parts and vital nutrients to build a child (takes about a year for mother to get bloods back to normal after giving birth); going to deliver the child and be the main parent for at least the first three months; and you’re losing your last name - which should already make him feel like he is definitely making his mark on his/your child. This doesn’t negate his view - I don’t follow the idea that a woman gave birth so can name the child - but it does mean you deserve an equal say, possibly the final one.

*Eg his single first with your choice of second (which is the name you’ll then use); you choose together new names with same initials; variation of Dad’s nickname plus your middle (your idea); his full name as double middles (as above); just wildcard new names - see if you both enjoy the process and actually find a new name you like even more than any honour name(s).

Good luck!

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Oh, this is a tough situation for you and I can feel your despair.

I want to echo previous posters to say that going the two middle names route (as in, your husband’s first and middle names as your son’s two middle names, with a first name that you and your husband then jointly choose) sounds like the best possible option.

In my husband’s family, this has long been the tradition. Going back about 400 years, there was a (for example) “James Michael” Lastname. His son was (for example) [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] “James Michael” Lastname. And from then on, the firstborn son of each generation has had [name_u]James[/name_u] [name_u]Michael[/name_u] as their middle names.

[name_f]My[/name_f] husband’s dad had these middle names, as does his older brother. His older brother had daughters, so our son is the firstborn son of his generation. I happen to really like the two names, and I’m all for family traditions, so it was an easy sell for me to agree to those two middles for our son.

I’m very glad that back in the day, “James Michael” had the idea of using his names as a middle name, rather than passing his name on to a junior, as it preserves the family names but allows freedom to choose a first name.

Otherwise, I love your idea about the name with the same initials. That is absolutely a brilliant solution and you can tell your husband I agree with you on it.

Wishing you much strength - I know it may seem impossible, but don’t let him push you into using a name you will resent.

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The name should be something that makes you both happy, not something that only contents one of you and makes the other genuinely upset.

I think you have the right to put your foot down and say that you need to find a compromise that you both feel is right for your son and your family.

Whether that’s your idea of the matching initials, a first name of baby’s own followed by the honour names as middles, one that shares the meaning, is a variant etc - something that makes you both content.

I’m really sorry you’re stuck in this situation - I’d advise showing him some of these responses, to see how he reacts on seeing how others feel about it?

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I’m so sorry it has been so difficult to find a compromise! Not sure if this will please both of you, but I like the idea of just passing down the initals. That way everything that is monogrammed can be passed down, but your son still has a unique name. (Example: [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_u]David[/name_u] ______ → [name_u]Maxwell[/name_u] [name_u]Davis[/name_u] ______.)

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Oh my goodness my heart breaks for you bless your soul. This is just a lot. [name_m]Bless[/name_m] you! I am so sorry for the loss of your first boy which of course just emphasises this whole naming journey.

To be honest I think your husband is being unfair. He shouldn’t push you into making this decision, he shouldn’t be overruling you and making you cry. His thought process regarding this legacy is archaic. But it’s a tough one as I think he’s just seeing his family traditions and not seeing you in this scenario. However I think you need to make realise that without you there would be no baby! Your feelings are valid and he will need to compromise. Hey play him at his own game and say you’re going to name him x and that’s that. I’m not sure where you are but in the UK the mother has more of a say over the birth certificate so if that’s the case you could easily register your baby as x taking him completely out the equation. I think this could make him wake up and smell the coffee! Make him realise that actually he doesn’t have the final say, how cruel it is for him to think he does have the final say and learn to compromise. You need to put your foot down!

Regarding compromising using the initials is a good idea means you can play around and create his own special name whilst paying homage to his family. For example [name_u]Robert[/name_u] [name_u]John[/name_u] can be [name_u]Robin[/name_u] [name_u]Joseph[/name_u] or [name_u]William[/name_u] [name_u]Scott[/name_u] can be [name_u]Willoughby[/name_u] [name_m]Soren[/name_m]. [name_u]Or[/name_u] you could use the two special family names as middle names with his own special first name. There’s plenty of ways to compromise he just needs to see the light and stop being so self-centred.

Wishing you all the best

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I’m so sorry! I hope he can come to an agreement with you.

I’m very stubborn, and if it was me, I would tell him if he can’t budge and agree on a name with me, I’m naming the baby what I want because I’m the one giving birth!

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Totally agree with you. After watching my long, painful, slow process of giving birth I think my husband would have let me name baby whatever I wanted. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] yours comes around.

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First of all I want to congratulate you @CluelesslyClassic on your pregnancy and just want to send love to your [name_u]Angel[/name_u] baby boy and you. I unfortunately know the pain of losing your child - and I can only imagine that your older son’s loss is only amplifying the feelings of hurt and despair for both you and your partner.

I stand with you in that this baby should have his own identity , as Dad traditionally gets the last name , the legacy continues.

I think that you should absolutely have a list of names you bring with you to the hospital and see who he fits.

Please know that I am holding you in my heart

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I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It must be awful for this argument to be overshadowing this special time in your life.

I’m reminded of a blog post on an issue almost the same as yours. I thought it might interest you to hear some other perspectives on it so I’m leaving a link to it here.

The way your husband is approaching this discussion is very problematic. It’s a joint decision and he knows that. But while you’re focused on finding solutions to move forward he is focused on getting his own way. He may have strong feelings about carrying on a family tradition but his feelings do not override yours and he does not get any more voting power than you.

The way I see it, a child’s name should have the consent of both parents. It’s on your husband to accept that your son’s name is not going to follow that naming tradition and then enter into a genuine discussion with you. So, the only advice I could add on that front is not about naming but about taking care of yourself while you wait for him to come to the table.

I know you already feel like you’re behind but it sounds like it’s worth taking a break from the subject for at least a couple weeks. Put boundaries in place to stop the discussion if it becomes disrespectful at any point.

Once your husband is willing to move forward, it may be useful to first consider what each of you values in a name. For instance, liking a name and it being uncommon might be what’s most important to you. The exercise might help you to reset your search and make your goals clearer as you work together anew.

I hope you both find agreement and harmony. All the best for your pregnancy, birth and baby.

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Another point I forgot to mention in my original comment is that going through with a naming tradition passes off that pressure to your son’s future partner, continuing the issue further. [name_u]An[/name_u] additional reason I did not name my son the III was because I did not want my future daughter-in-law to feel the pressure to name her son IV if she didn’t want to. The more generations participating, the increased pressure people feel to continue it (as not to break the tradition) even if they don’t want to go through with it.

I’ll also note that it is always so much easier for the man’s family to be on board because it’s normal to them because that’s what they’ve grown up around. However, it puts a ton of pressure on the wife because 1) it’s likely not something that was normal in her family and 2) she is a newcomer that feels she would be breaking traditions in another family (aka being perceived as the bad guy breaking up what the family has been doing). These pressures exist naturally just by nature of the tradition, but especially if family members expect it. Despite these reasonings that make it hard for the wife, it’s important to point out a couple things. No one should make a decision about something just for the sake of tradition, especially if someone doesn’t like the idea, and especially in the case of something as important as choosing a person’s forever name. Also, remember that this is YOUR NEW family. When you got married, your spouse and you became your own unit, separate and distinct from your family of origin and his family of origin. Because it is your new family together, you two get to decide together what traditions you have. Neither of you have any obligation to continue old traditions on either side of your family if someone doesn’t want to.

@kachenka That article shares some really good points, both in the original article and in the comments! One point that I think is important is that they said that if a parent vetos a name, it should be off the table. No matter who wants the name, the reasons for the name, or why they want it. I like that they treat a dilemma like yours the same as disagreeing on a favorite name without meaning. Names you like but he dislikes should be off the table, and the same goes for you not liking carrying on his name.

I also liked the suggestion to help your husband understand that you aren’t against using the name because you don’t want to honor him or because you don’t think he deserves it, but that you want to honor him in a different way. Especially one that allows you to honor your family as well.

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Really sorry about your situation, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. You shouldn’t have to use a name you actively dislike just because your husband insists.

Now I’m really young and know zero about relationships so take everything I say with a MASSIVE grain of salt, but I can’t help but agree with @EloiseT in wondering if maybe there’s something deeper going on on his end since it just seems odd that it’s that big of a deal to him (and I 100% get where he’s coming from, if my family had something like that I’d probably hesitate about breaking it after that many generations too, but obviously no tradition is important enough that it should make someone you love feel deeply hurt). Like, is it really about carrying on his own legacy, or is he more worried about his family reacting harshly or that he’s somehow betraying them? Since you mentioned him putting off discussing names for so long I’m thinking maybe this was something stressing him out from the start? [name_u]Or[/name_u] maybe he misinterpreted your objection as you having something against his family (which I’m assuming isn’t the case), instead of just name preferences?

I get that a compromise might not feel like enough to him, but have you considered using just the initials in the front (for example, if your husband is [name_m]Alexander[/name_m] [name_u]James[/name_u], legally naming him A. J. and then a name you like, which would serve as his first name)? I know this could cause confusion on paperwork and I’m not sure how legal it is, but it might work better since it would still be basically the same name in the front, but people wouldn’t automatically assume it was what he went by.

[name_u]Or[/name_u] maybe you could suggest a name from your side of the family, if there’s one you like and find meaningful, because it would still represent some sense of tradition without making it all about your husband (since like you mentioned you’re already using his last name). If it is the case that his family has strict expectations about it, they might also be more understanding of this than a non-honor name.

These are all just ideas though, I don’t know everything about your situation and of course ideally you shouldn’t have to compromise at all. Good luck with all this, hopefully you’ll get it worked out!

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Any updates on how it went?

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[name_f]My[/name_f] best suggestion is that you use your husband’s first name and a middle name you love and your husband at least likes. That way your husband can pass down his legacy but at the same time you can have a voice in naming your son as well as distinguish him from his father.

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I think the suggestion of putting the family names in the middle is the best possible compromise. I really urge you not to get swayed to go with this tradition and a name you don’t love. As others have said, you are already passing on his surname, which is legacy enough. Naming a child is so special and don’t allow that to be taken away from you. It also sounds like if he is unwilling to compromise on this, it spells trouble for when things get inevitably tough post birth (lack of sleep, feeding etc) where you really need to be a team. This would be a red flag for me (the unwillingness to compromise, the stonewalling) and I’d consider everything if he can’t compromise with you and see your point of view.

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I’m so sorry you’re being put in this situation. I for one do not think that your precious baby boy should have to be named something that doesn’t bring both parents joy when they look at him. I also believe this would be a slight burden (At least in my opinion) because then your son might also feel he has to name his son (If he ever has one) the same thing. I’m praying for you, and I understand that is a lot of pressure so far into your pregnancy.

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