I want some feedback on my story please!

Writers' Corner
1

I am really invested in this story, but I feel like there are some flaws that I need to fix and also I would love some suggestions on how to move forward with the story and plot. Thanks!

[name_u]Snow[/name_u] glittered in the darkness like minuscule shards of moonlight, coating the forest in its cold beauty. In its midst stood a warrior. But her mind’s eye, she was not the legendary White [name_u]Warrior[/name_u], nor the rightful queen of Mirawyr. No, in this serene moment, she was just a girl; a broken girl.

For the first time in a long time, she reached up and pulled off her helmet. Snowflakes sprinkled into her hair, a stark contrast against its ebony.

She took one long look at the scene before her, reveling in its perfection. Pushing back the sense of foreboding filling her chest, she whispered, “I am [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] Regalis. Nothing can stop me.”

Though she did not want to leave the utter bliss this place gave her, [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] returned to her steed, a dazzling unicorn. She stroked her silver mane, pausing at the broken white horn atop her head. She removed her gloves and wrapped her fingers carefully around the stump. [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] squeezed her eyelids shut, focusing every ounce of her energy upon it. She didn’t have to open her eyes to know that her fingertips were glowing white. She imagined the horn entirely intact, and with her mind and energy, she pieced it back together. [name_f]Energy[/name_f] drained from her fingertips to the creature.

[name_u]Victory[/name_u] on her lips, [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] opened her eyes. The unicorn’s horn was whole once more. Immense power seemed to emanate from it.

[name_u]Ivory[/name_u] reached into the saddlebag, pulling out a worn cloth. She held it out to the unicorn.

“Zuri, find her.”

Zuri’s horn glowed, and she dropped her head to touch the cloth with it. The cloth rose from Ivory’s hand and fell to the ground a moment later. A tremor of excitement washed over the unicorn, and she let out a small whinny.

Gracefully, [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] swung her leg over the horse’s back and placed the helmet over her head once again.

“I will find you, [name_u]Indigo[/name_u], I promise,” she whispered to herself.

[name_u]Ivory[/name_u] rode the unicorn through the forest and away, blissfully unaware of the two watchful eyes peering at her through the brush.

The sun had barely shown its face when the visitor arrived at the palace. The queen was livid; all of her servants cowered before her, afraid of the wrath she may unleash upon them.

“I hope he has something good,” [name_f]Queen[/name_f] Duvessa grumbled as the hairdresser twisted her blonde locks into an elaborate style atop her head.

When her appearance was primed to perfection, she stalked out of her chambers, heels clicking furiously against the dark marble flooring.

The guards pushed opened the heavy throne room doors. Duvessa sat in her throne, fingernails digging into its velvety material.

A moment later, the doors swung open again, revealing a hooded figure. He treaded slowly across the length of the room, stopping before the queen.

He gave no recognition as to whom he was standing before. Duvessa clicked her tongue in irritation but refused to let her anger bubble to the surface.

The queen rose from her throne and addressed the man, “I do wish you would take off your hood, sir.” She said this in an enchanting voice, trying to cajole him into obeying her wishes.

The silence was brief. “I have my reasons,” he said gruffly as if to hide his real voice.

Duvessa let out an exaggerated sigh, “Very well. Why have you come so early in the morning?”

“I found her.”

The queen’s lip curled deviously. “And?”

“I saw her in the [name_u]Forest[/name_u] of [name_u]Frost[/name_u] late last night, but she departed soon after I arrived.”

“And?”

The man cleared his throat. “She was headed east. She knows about…” he trailed off.

Duvessa grew impatient. Raising her voice, she said, “About what?”

“The princess. The other one. Her sister.”

The queen blinked. How?

“No matter, I will deal with this setback,” said Duvessa calmly. “Though I do have a special task for you. Kill her. The next chance you get.”

The man went as still as a statue. “Are y—you certain, your Majesty?” he said after a moment.

The queen’s lip curled maliciously. “Without a doubt, my… huntsman.”

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Hey there! I really like the fantasy elements of this story and how it’s giving me strong [name_u]Snow[/name_u] White vibes at the moment. I think there’s a lot of potential for worldbuilding and expanding the story so I hope you continue it.

I’ll start with some general thoughts about the piece itself. I thought that the writing was very fluffy and lacked a bit of substance throughout most of the story so far. I know this is a third person POV so it’s a bit more difficult to get into the characters’ heads but you really need to try because right now, they just feel like dolls within the world. I couldn’t tell you almost anything about their personalities, except for maybe the queen’s, and even hers is just the outward appearance she presents to others, which isn’t enough to keep me invested in her character. I need more. Right now, the word choice is eating the characters alive because I’m paying way more attention to the fluffy language than the characters themselves, which is not the point in what appears to be a character-driven story.

Going off of that, be careful about your word choice because right now, I feel like you’re writing this story with one hand on the keyboard and the other flipping through a thesaurus. It’s beautiful language (for the most part—more on that later) but it’s distracting, and it feels like a primary concern for you over the development and introduction of your characters. This is especially true in the parts where you reuse words or phrases: “bliss” and “blissfully” in the first section, and having the queen curl her lip twice (with two different adverbs—just pick a stronger verb) in the second part. I keep my thesaurus close—it’s a permanent tab I keep open—but sometimes less is more. You can absolutely sprinkle in some of these fun words but keep them as a sprinkle. Also, be careful of your sentence length because the writing feels choppy right now. All of the sentences are a similar length and structure, and I think it draws attention to the fluffiness of the language you’re using in a bad way because I see you using these words and using them correctly, but you don’t make them flow.

You also have several instances where you tell rather than show. For instance, you describe the healed unicorn’s horn as seeming to emanate immense power but I have no idea what that means. Did it glow? Shake? Sparkle? [name_m]Sing[/name_m]? I’d feel so much more in the moment if I knew what the immense power felt like as opposed to just being told it had immense power. Second, find a way to take out any phrases involving time. “After a moment”, “a moment later”, just add a beat in the writing that lasts the “moment” so the timing feels more fluid. And if no time passes (“the silence was brief” in section two), just skip to the action. Show me time passing/not passing instead of telling me that time passed/didn’t pass.

Onto some of my questions. Currently, I have two to three major questions that are flashing at me as plot holes. In the first section, I love the description of the scenery but I’m confused why it was necessary. Why did she have to go out into the middle of the forest to heal the unicorn? Why couldn’t she just heal her in the stable/wherever unicorns are kept? It seems like she rode the unicorn there (hence the saddlebag) so I don’t know why she had to go so far out to heal the unicorn so she could use it to track [name_u]Indigo[/name_u].

The second/third question(s) come in the queen’s part. They are related. It appears the queen knows exactly who this man is because he’s reporting back to her with information on [name_u]Ivory[/name_u], so why does she care if he has his hood on? She knows him, right? And on that note, why is the man trying to hide his real voice if he’s working for the queen? Again, doesn’t she know him?

As for plot suggestions, I don’t have anything specific, but I can say that I want a twist. If this follows the [name_u]Snow[/name_u] White train that I’m seeing right now, I’m expecting that [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] will find [name_u]Indigo[/name_u], kill/subdue the huntsman, kill/subdue the queen, claim the throne, and everyone will live happily ever after. I don’t want that. I want there to be a twist. Maybe [name_u]Indigo[/name_u] is dead, or is a villain and the kingdom was better off when she was gone. Something like that.

[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this was helpful! [name_u]Happy[/name_u] writing!

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Thank you so much! I have been dying for another perspective aside from my own. I will definitely make it less “fluffy” and show more than tell.

Okay, the unicorn scene was to show that [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] has a lot of power, I will try to do better to show that or maybe find another way of expressing it.

I didn’t really think about the huntsman/queen relationship being confusing. I didn’t think that far back. The point of his identity remaining a secret was because I plan to introduce him later in the story but the readers wouldn’t know he was the huntsman.

For the plot, I plan to have [name_u]Ivory[/name_u] meet the huntsman and fall in love with him. Also, she doesn’t want the throne, she only wants to find her sister.

Thanks again!

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I was actually originally going to make this first person in two perspectives, do you think I should do that instead?

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I think you could. The challenge there is making sure the voices are different enough that people can tell the difference. You could also keep it in third person but make the narrator more omniscient so you don’t have to go back and change the POV, just add instances where you show internal aspects of the characters. You can still be in third person and show thoughts, emotions, and motivations.

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