I want to ttc; husband not ready

Parentberries
1

I’ve seen a few similar topics, some older, some newer, but I didn’t want to steal the board- so here we go. First time poster; I’m sure you see people like me all the time. I need to talk to someone besides my husband so I can gather my thoughts and have a real conversation with him rather than just going, “baby?”

We’ve been married just over a year, together for four. I know, it’s not a long time.

We had a plan; like most of the world that has shifted. We’ve always wanted a kid, maybe two, but definitely one. This was our pre-baby checklist.

  1. Husband in happy stable job.
  2. Move (we wanted to move somewhere warmer).
  3. Take a nice warm tropical vacation first.
  4. In addition he really wants a baby to be born early summer so he can give them a bike they’ll use all summer :laughing:

I agreed to all that. But Covid changed things, or maybe I just have changed. He’s in a stable job, but he may shift within the company. With the shift we’re staying in the same state I’d say at least 5 years. Covid ruined our vacation, and I don’t know when we’ll be able to realistically do that- and considering this year is already gone, it could be years. We talked briefly- but this is what I’m thinking.

Why not now? We own our condo, and can save, or move to a house locally since our condos value increased since we bought it. We live near a support system that can help baby sit, and I have a job with a boss who knows my worth. Who understands the need for family. I believe he would want me back and would help me come back in any way he could (I coach gymnastics). I also could continue to walk dogs with my reoccurring clients. So financially we would be okay. I said my parents could babysit when we can finally vacation again, and he wants me to be able to have a drink and enjoy myself so he doesn’t want me to be pregnant or breastfeeding at that time.

I’m 30 and would be 31 by the time baby got here, he is 37, and will be 38 next [name_u]July[/name_u].

So I want to sit down, have it all out on the table, and just tell him where I’m at in a full blown conversation rather than pieces, and just have him tell me when he’s ready. He even said he’d be happy and ok if it was an accident- but I want this to be planned.

How did you and your partner really decide to commit, and had something shifted your plan? I don’t know why I feel so sad knowing it won’t be for a while.

2

My husband and I had known each other for two years when we got engaged in Oct 2017. I was 31 at the time and he was 30. We were planning a small wedding for the next fall and a honeymoon in [name_m]Hawaii[/name_m]. We both knew we wanted kids soon and we talked about it all the time. So we started “not trying, not preventing”. Well, two months later we got pregnant…with twins. :joy:
We still got to have our little wedding but it was moved up a bit and we did go to [name_m]Hawaii[/name_m] when I was 16 weeks pregnant. So we still got to do everything we planned but it just all happened really fast!
We hadn’t even been married a year and we already had two babies!
They are 2 years old now and we are almost ready to try for another. This year has kind of been the same for us. Me being ready now and him wanting another one but being unsure about timing because of everything going on. I understand your frustration.
Definitely sit down and have a full conversation and hear out all of his concerns. Personally I don’t think there’s ever a “perfect” time to have a baby and things tend to always work themselves out, but you do want to be on the same page. I’m sure if you discuss it properly you can reach some understanding.
I understand the need to know and plan things out though because I so didn’t do that with my first pregnancy and I’m very much a person that likes to feel in control. Honestly though, pregnancy makes you feel a bit out of control anyway. [name_m]Even[/name_m] in the best of times.
Good luck and I hope everything works out well! :blush:

3

Honestly, just make him sit down and have a conversation. Like you said, it can’t just be snippets here and there. If you say, “can we please discuss this”, then he should be willing to sit down and listen. Babies are a big change and communication is a must.

[name_m]How[/name_m] much you tick off your list before TTC is really up to you. I know people who followed their plan meticulously and others who threw it out the window… both types love their children and are glad they did it the way they did.

You sound like you’re both in a really good place, so my approach would probably be “why not?” That said, if he genuinely doesn’t want a baby yet, then you should be willing to respect that. Both partners need to be 100% in. If he doesn’t feel ready, maybe ask why? What does he feel like he needs to get done before having a baby? Has his “to do” list changed?

As for my story, we have been TTC since [name_u]June[/name_u] (we are 3.5 years married). Hubby always wanted babies before me. It used to be a bit of a sore topic because he’s always had a “who cares, let’s just have one” approach, whereas I always had things I wanted to do first and was very adamant I didn’t want a baby for a while. [name_u]Baby[/name_u] based conversations were always stressful and lead to tears because we felt so out of sync in this area of our life. This year, however, I felt really good and settled and I finally felt that I wanted a baby. So we had another conversation, and here we are.

I hope you are able to come to an agreement and a plan. Good luck! :blush:

Ditto. :blush:

1 Like
4

Like the previous posters said, there’s never a perfect time to have a baby. [name_m]Just[/name_m] sit down with your husband and talk about it. I understand the need to do certain things or to be in a certain situation before you start TTC, but life doesn’t always go as planned (as you very well know). You’re 30 now, which is by no means old, but you say it could be years before you’re able to tick all your “pre-TTC” boxes, and you never know how long it will take to become pregnant. Especially if you want more than one child, maybe waiting for another few years isn’t your best option.

[name_f]My[/name_f] first pregnancy was a total surprise, I didn’t even want children. But it happened, and my ex-husband and I made the best of it. It turned my life upside down, but it’s also one of the best things that ever happened to me, even though my ex-husband and I didn’t stay together. And of course I love my oldest son to pieces.
When my current SO and I started a relationship he started talking about having children together pretty soon. He’s more of a “we’ll manage this, whatever happens” kind of person, while I prefer to have things planned. But we wanted a relatively big family, so we didn’t postpone things too long. At this point we have a son together and I’m expecting twins in [name_u]January[/name_u]. Things are better than they have been in years, so I’m glad with how things turned out, even if it wasn’t what I’d planned at all.

1 Like
5

Thank you so much everyone- I think he’s definitely willing to talk about it. Our little pieces are just short lived because I put it more in a humorous setting, like, “gimme those babies!”

I think discussing it, regardless of the outcome will definitely help. The last thing I want is to pressure him into it, which I’m worried he’ll feel like I’m doing if it’s just a half conversation every few days. I’m not sure how to bring it up yet. But I made a sort of silly “brochure” for my uterus to be his baby maker, including my real reasons. But basically I’m going to let him know if he’s not ready that the ball is in his court and he can just let me know. Then I’ll just put the idea out of my head the best I can for a year before we discuss it again.

So thank you again so much!

2 Likes
6

Hey

I completely understand the urge to start your family but I wouldn’t start until you know your partner is completely ready. I would maybe write down all your thoughts including the negatives be completely honest then sit your partner down and essentially read or let him read the letter. Listen to his viewpoint and come to an agreement as to when to start your family. [name_m]Just[/name_m] both be on the same page. I honestly don’t think it’s about length of time you guys have been together I wouldn’t factor that in if your bond is strong and you guys are on the same page then go for it. [name_m]Just[/name_m] make sure the time is right for both of you.

I’m pregnant with my first I’m 26 (the father is 30 this year) and on my own. The father I thought was on the same page as me. We were together for some time, he was my first love he said he wanted the same things as me we spoke about children he said he wanted a family with me and we were TTC. He ended our relationship the day before I found out I was pregnant. Thinking about it our communication clearly wasn’t effective as I was thinking x and he clearly was thinking y about our future. I should have had more conversations with him before we TTC as I am on my own he currently doesn’t want any involvement & it’s incredibly scary. So my advise is to just talk thoroughly, honestly and both be on the same page before going into parenthood.

Good luck

1 Like
7

So many good points above!

Some thoughts:
-It sounds like you’re happy with where you live and it’s good you have support nearby. A condo is actually perfect for the first year with one baby too.
-I think you should take the vacation off the list because who knows when you’ll be able to do that safely again.
-Another thing to consider is being pregnant during a pandemic. I would think that would be very stressful - I would be worried about getting COVID or passing it to baby. And you will have to be in a medical environment often. I’m sure there are pluses and minuses to being pregnant right now. Hopefully you are able to work from home!

I think it’s a good idea that you want to have a conversation with your husband to really see where he’s at!

8

Hi I just wanted to give a final update! I showed him the brochure I made with all my thoughts and he absolutely loved it (he told me I can never delete it lol). I brought it up after we talked about him buying the franchise last night. (He put in the official application). As soon as it gets approved, which he’s been given the impression it will be, we’ll start TTC. We’re going to try to plan a little get away depending what’s safe and go from there. If we can’t we’ll wing it. Staying where we are we can save better, still afford a vacation, and I can keep my job easier. He was actually close to the same page in wanting to try this year, but wanted us to get our vacation this summer. He also wanted it to come from me first because it’s my body, and the covid situation does add some stress.

But thank you so much guys! You really helped me organize my thoughts and present them organized, it was also an amazing feeling to know he’s been weighing those thoughts as well <3

4 Likes
9

Congratulations! I’m glad you guys could work it out and are on the same page :blush:
Good luck on your TCC journey! When you’re ready you should join the TCC thread. There’s one for 2020 and I’m sure as it gets closer there will be a new one for 2021.

10

The boot was on the other foot for me and my partner. I was 25 and he was 21 ( known each other for years through school) and he wanted to have a baby! Whereas I was thinking to wait a while. ( We had been together 2 years at this point)
I guess when you get the baby fever it will not go away and I think you should go for it as it sounds like there are more positives and stability than there are negatives.