Incurable loved one and marriage...

Parentberries
1

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Momberries,

I could use some wisdom from you all. I have lost a fair few relatives including my paternal grandparents, my great uncle and an aunt I was very close to, my partner is about to lose his grandmother to cancer. Meanwhile, I have two aunts, a cousin in-law, an aunt interstate and a cousin, who have cancer.

One of my aunts I’m exceptionally close to and her cancer is stage 4 and incurable. She has been there throughout my entire childhood and knowing there’s a four percent chance of survival for a healthy person with her type of cancer (she’s long abused her body with cigarettes and alcohol) I’m almost certain it won’t be long until she’s not here with us. Which unfortunately I was always fearful of, I just never though it’d be in this way.

I guess all this has really led me to question the longevity of life and how long till I want to get married to my partner. He is moving to Australia very soon from the USA. I don’t want to rush into marriage or be unwise, but I am concerned that I will lose that special day with the ones I love in the near future, it leaves me very torn. I’m 23 and my partner is 25, so we aren’t babies by any means, and we are very much comfortable besides spending our lives long distance. I feel like my family would be accepting of an early marriage than we intially envisaged. I am also concerned because he has relatives in the states who are getting older and may not have long left to see us marry as well.

Please don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not all about other people, it’s the vision we had over our families being there and complete. Im so torn at how to proceed. Especially with no real indication from doctor’s how long she has. She’s as close to me as my mother. I saw us pouring over recipe books, talking about catering and family heirlooms etc. for the day. I’m so scared I’ll lose her before getting married or having a child, and if we didn’t get narried what else could we do to make her feel part of the process?

Thank you so muvh. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m just so distraught.

2

There is something to be said for having family in your life for those big moments… I personally live with a lot of regret in that way… my fiancé and I have been together 12 years, that’s 6 years engaged and putting off a wedding and babies… then last year my Dad suddenly died… and now every day I know he will never meet my children and never walk me down the aisle. Now I feel because of this I may never want to get married…
I am not saying rush your life on the account of the lives of others, you need to be sure that a marriage to this man is the absolute right thing to do and you don’t want to put pressure on either of you, but if you both feel strongly about marrying each other, and have been together a reasonable amount of time already, why wait? Take it from me, sometimes waiting leaves a lot of regret…

3

I’m so sorry to hear that your aunt is ill. I think you and your partner should have a serious talk so that you can discuss what is important to each of you in life.

4

I’m sorry to hear about your aunt.

Here’s some ways you could make her a part of journey when the time comes -

  1. Ask her what some of her favorite names are. That way you know when you do eventually have children that she loves the first/middle.
  2. Wear a piece of jewelry of hers at your wedding.
  3. Let off a lantern for her and others who have passed at your wedding.
  4. Sew something that reminds you of here into your dress
  5. Make her favorite song your first dance.
  6. Let her pick the wedding colors.

I think the best thing to do is to wait. You are very distraught right now and it could lead to you making a choice you end up regretting

5

I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I really like wittyusername’s ideas. While I’ve no knowledge on the specifics of your relationship, moving from long distance (straight to living together?) does sound like a big change to adjust to. I think marriage has to be a decision you and your partner make, for you, while being aware of all the other possibilities. That family might not be there. That the marriage might not work out.

I feel where you’re coming from though. I’m 31 and have been with my partner 8 years, since I was 23. I always voiced excitement about marriage, and it has been a long and difficult road as my partner’s general indifference toward marriage has become a more blatant “no”, he really never wants to get married.

My father has always been older as he had children quite late, and I very much wanted to get married, not so much for myself, but to bring my closest family and friends together with my partner’s close family and friends so that each can at least meet each other. But… my father passed away 15 months ago, and my sister (who I was very close to and was her bridesmaid) decided to stop talking to my parents a few months beforehand and now has estranged herself from the family completely, including myself. [name_m]Young[/name_m] nieces and nephews estranged with her. So even if my partner begrudgingly agreed to get married, I now find myself in the “family? what family!” box a bit. You’re right, it’s not a pleasant place to be, and honestly I AM resentful of my partner though I try not to be, and I no longer want to get married I don’t think, but it hurts.

I [name_f]DO[/name_f] regret that I didn’t get to have a wedding with my father and family there. But I still [name_m]DON[/name_m]'T think it would have actually felt at all nice have a wedding to someone who outright didn’t want one, so I don’t know if I would have done things differently. In the end it’s still just a day. Hopefully a special day, but there can be many kinds of different special days you can have with people, and special memories you can create.

6

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and honest opinions. It’s very much appreciated when my family is shifting from denial to acceptance throughout the day. I just needed some thoughts desperately.

There are many things I should’ve included here, however, given that it was late at night, I simply forgot.

My partner and I, though living 10,000 miles apart, have only ever lived with each other during our visits. He has stayed here under our roof for the duration of his visit here. I just got back from a month long visit over Thanksgiving and early [name_u]December[/name_u] and we travelled extensively together and shared rooms. I also stayed in his relatives and his home while there. We were inseparable during that time frame and visited two countries outside the US, as well as visiting an additional six states. It was a big trip with many challenges and gave a massive indication of what our lives would be like together and it eliminated a lot of doubts. We were also one-on-one for the majority of the trip and I felt it helped us a lot to reconnect.

The move and marriage/engagement was something already on the cards for us. His move has been set in stone for a very long time and so I am not concerned about that in the least. My only concern is regarding visas. Initially, we had already discussed getting engaged this year and marrying in late 2018 or early 2019, when we know he is settled here financially etc. I already have a promise ring and a pre-engagement pendant (because we both knew my parents would be sceptical about an engagement before us living in the same country and I felt the same, so he was kind enough to respect what their opinion means to me.) I do know he does have the stone for my engagement ring already. Also upon the move, he will be staying with me once again, until we move into our own first purchased home.

In terms of my family situation, the hard thing is coming to terms with knowing very little, all I do know is that our local GP believes she will be gone in a few months. The thought of that paired with the ailing health of my other relatives, my grandmother getting more frail and old etc. etc. all lead me to question whether I am going to miss out on the joys of having those people who would be such an integral part there. I am very much not only a family person, but a very sentimental one and am ever so fearful. I guess particular as my relationship with the surviving members of my mother’s side of the family are not as positive as my father’s. So in a sense I feel like the vision of who would be there has shrunk considerably and creates this lonely feeling, that I may only have my immediate family. Which is lovely in itself, but my family has always been known as “the tribe,” a unit.

Ultimately, I do want to be sure I am ready, but I guess I am not entirely sure at what point you know? We’re adamant that we want to do pre-marital counselling before getting married as well and more preparation prior to the actual wedding as well. I am just truly beginning to question how long is too long and whether I am willing to drag out a longer engagement, partly for fear that people will say I am “rushing” (because they don’t understand long distance) and partly because of some existing plan. At any rate, I do want him to be here and settle in before we decide, because I often find that I am much better adjusted when he’s here in person, the longer he’s away the harder I find it and the more emotionally distant I feel I become. Him not returning for [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] was not planned, but it came from the interference of his mother. So I guess I just need time to think, discuss it with him and go from there I guess.

But I really do appreciate all the advice and the fact that you have offered me some lovely alternates, should I not chose to move the wedding forward, thank you!

7

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Losing people is so hard. :frowning:

If you have any questions regarding partner visas please let me know. I moved to Australia from the US five years ago to be with my long-distance partner. We ended up doing a working holiday to partner visa. Not sure if a partner visa is the route you’re looking to take or if he maybe has a sponsored working visa or something similar. If you are looking at the partner visa, it could be better to spend some amount of time together in the same country before getting married, especially if you’re not going the fiance visa route first. We were only living together for five months before getting married (engaged some years before) and ours was approved without any trouble, but I was always warned that it “looks better” to not get married right away.

That said, I’m in the “why wait?” camp. If your relatives being there is important to you, then you should be able to have them there. [name_m]Long[/name_m] distance is hard in a lot of ways, and family not understanding that it’s still a legitimate relationship even if you can’t be together is definitely one of them! Try to let those comments slide off your shoulders. You and your partner know what is best for your relationship - it’s none of anyone else’s business. [name_m]Long[/name_m] distance is a legitimate way to get to know each other – better, in some ways, than conventional relationships.

I also wanted to suggest, if you decide against an earlier wedding, maybe a photo shoot? Everyone gets dressed up and have some fun, professional photos taken that could be displayed on the day as a way to involve everyone.

8

I’m so sorry for what is going on :frowning:
I don’t know the ins and outs of such a move, so can’t really speak to the timing of that… however, could you possibly do a commitment ceremony or party? It isn’t quite a wedding, so you wouldn’t have to be “rushed”, but it is a huge event that your relatives can all feel involved in and witness, while there is still time. [name_m]Just[/name_m] an idea.
Personally, we had a bit of a similar situation when we got married. My husband’s grandma had been in and out of the hospital nearly the whole time we were together. When we got engaged, I didn’t want to get married right away, but the health of elderly relatives was frequently brought to mind. We waited a year and a half to marry, but we ultimately set our exact wedding date when it became apparent his grandma was taking a bad turn. She got to attend the wedding and it made her so, so happy that she would tell all of her nurses about it. She passed away 3 months later. I’m glad she got to see her grandson get married…the only grandchild who she got to see get married. It meant the world to her.
These situations are never easy… a conversation between you and your partner sounds like the best definite option, and go from there.