Is it wrong to even consider this?

Parentberries
1

I wanted to post this thread for the past weeks but i havent the guts to do it . i dont know who to ask for advice so i would like to hear yours . Iam not pregnat but me and my BF feels is the right time to start TTC . I know i should wait a few years but i feel like life is too short to wait . I wouldnt dare to tell my mom that because she would definitly critisize and propably wouldnt even listen it . I know that a baby needs a lot of things but my Bf has a job ( he is finished the schoul this year ) and i know that his parents would be truly supportive ( I dont know about mine but …) if we take that desision . if i get pregnant this wouldnt stop me to finish the school and i would most likely go to a univercity . I want a baby for years now but iam ( very) afraid what the others would say .

Please , I trully need your advise !! [name_f]Do[/name_f] you think iam imnature to even consider this ? [name_f]Do[/name_f] any of you have been in a situation like this ?

Thank you so much from any of your opinions !! I know that is wrong to ask strangers about that but i have anyone else to talk !!

UPDATE : We have decide to not use any protection during sex (We are not TTC but if its happen its happen ). I talked to my mom about that and she decide to actaully help me to find a job and finish school !! Yay !! Thank you all for your amazing advise !! I know that most people will find this wrong but i feel like its the right thing for me . Thanks again !!

2

[name_m]Aren[/name_m]'t you like 16?

I think you need to be older than you are now to make the decision to become a mum. Life’s not that short. Babies are sweet, cuddly and fun, but they cost money and are a lot of hard work, and for someone to actually consider this while they’re as young as you are is a sign that you’re too immature. Having a baby while you’re in school is idiotic, you won’t have time to deal with a child and do all that work. There’s a reason why teenage mums drop out of school.

3

Wait. Wait until you finish school. Maybe even until you go to university. Save some money and have it set aside for emergency use. I had my first son when I was 18/19 and even though I wouldn’t take it back I wish I had a chance to do more as an adult. I was a teen who wanted a baby and a family also so I know where you are coming from but you should really wait. In five years from now you wont regret having the extra time to grow and learn and become yourself. You wont regret living alone with your boyfriend or getting married and taking a honeymoon without a baby in tow. You ccan say now that things like that wont matter but one day they will. [name_m]Even[/name_m] a little bit here and there. Enjoy this time now because once you have a baby and you watch them grow you will understand that you want them to do so much. [name_m]Just[/name_m] like your parents do for you. I dont know how old you are but take it from someone who is still fairly young, I’m 22 and even now I sometimes think that im so young.

4

Yes iam 16 .

I guess iam an idiot to even consider this . Me and my BF will have a serious talk but i dont know if that changes anything .

Thanks anyway for your opinion . I trully apreciate it .

Thank you so much @ hootowl . There are things i havent consider before but my brain isnt working right now .

5

You’re not an idiot, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.

6

I have definitely wanted a baby when I was in your situation. However, I am so glad that I waited. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy all that university has to offer (everything from late-night pizza runs with my friends, to countless fascinating lectures/concerts/festivals, to a semester abroad in [name_u]Paris[/name_u]) with a baby, and schoolwork would have had to take 2nd place. Also, as someone who dated the same man for 10 years before we eventually got around to “tying the knot,” I can definitely say that there are unique advantages to marriage that don’t exist in (most) dating relationships. I’m not judging anyone who has made different decisions, I’m just saying that waiting until one is out of school and having children within a marriage relationship is so much easier on the individual and on the relationship.

Also, how does your boyfriend feel about children? If either partner has any hesitation, now is NOT the time to be having children. There is nothing wrong with having hesitation about becoming a parent at this point in your life, but there is something wrong with becoming a parent IN SPITE OF hesitations. That’s just not fair to the child, and I think it puts an enormous strain on the relationship as well.

Also, if this is something you both want to go ahead with, you need to talk to his parents (at least, if not both sets of parents!) to make sure that they are actually open and willing to helping out. Since it seems you feel more comfortable with your boyfriend’s parents’ support than your mom’s, maybe you should come to them first with your questions and concerns. They may be a good resource. I’m sure there are people in your life who you can talk to other than internet strangers! But be prepared for some resistance, and know that it’s not necessarily because people are judging you, but because they are concerned for you and want the very best for your and your boyfriend. And, if you are talking with older generations, remember that they have had a lot life experience and are usually pretty wise and perceptive =)

7

[name_f]Ottilie[/name_f], my baby is due Feb 10 2014 :slight_smile:

8

I would absolutely wait. Your quality of life will be so much better if you at least have a high school degree before baby. When I was in high school I thought was mature enough to have a baby, just too broke. Now, five years later, I’m glad I didn’t try to have a baby. I have grown and matured so much in the past few years. I’ve had some experiences I wouldn’t have been able to have if I had a child to worry about as well.

9

It is so unbelievably normal to want a baby. You’re a girl, after all.
But you need to consider what having a baby will do to your life.
You are in high school. There is so much time to have babies, but not so much time to enjoy being young.
I understand the appeal of having the cuddly little family unit, but to choose to be a teen mom is not a good idea.
You will have to face so much adversity that you wouldn’t have to if you would have waited until you were out of high school or married first.
Regardless of you as a person, people will probably judge you as immature and irresponsible without ever really knowing about you, and you don’t want to set yourself up for failure in life, let alone have people judge/pity your child because of your age.

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thank so much everyone !!

@capturedcastle the problem is that my BF is truly suportive on the idea .I also agree i need talk with someone even if i decide not to have a baby .

@ birdies i dddefinitly dont want to miss any experience .

@ ksilvia the LAST thing i want is to judge/pity my baby beause of my age

11

If you are not completely financially independant and have a way to support yourself and your baby without relying on your parents, you probably shouldn’t be considering having a family.

Babies change everything. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you’re older, babies change your entire world. You will not be able to hang out with friends, have time to yourself, be a young person.

I’d recommend before going down this road and doing something you can’t take back, think about the person you want to become. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have any dreams, any goals, aspirations?

I found myself pregnant at 23, I had already finished university, was working a decent job, and had a boyfriend who was willing to marry me. We didn’t have that child, however, because I was [name_m]JUST[/name_m] TOO [name_m]YOUNG[/name_m], even at that age. I wanted to be someone my son or daughter could look up to. I wanted to have a real career and I wanted to have gone on some real adventures. Once you have a baby, especially when you are that young, you lose the time you need as a young person to be reckless and selfish. I didn’t have that baby, and while it made me sad for many many years, I did go on to pursue a career in fashion design, do things, travel places, and become a well rounded adult. I ended up having a beautiful baby girl at age 29 when I was ready. I’m now pregnant with my second. Yes, I did marry that boyfriend, but I think our life would have been a lot different if we had rushed into parenthood. We were able to have 5 years as a married couple, 7 as a couple, before having a baby. That makes for a much stronger foundation. You need more than love to make a family work, you need coping skills, you need relationship skills, you need life skills.

When I was really young, I thought my life would be over at 30. I wanted to be married by 25 and kids by the time I was 30 tops. Life is short, but not as short as you are thinking. Give yourself a chance to be a young person before taking away all of your options.

I’m just giving the advice I’d give my own daughter. Live your life. Become someone your future daughter can look up to.

12

It’s fairly normal, though not frequently talked about, for girls your age to want a baby.

Aside from how very drastically a baby changes your life, you don’t fully mature mentally or emotionally until you’re in your early 20s. That’s part of why it makes it so much harder for a teen to have a baby, on top of a lack of life experience, school, and having a young relationship. Risks in pregnancy are also quite increased in teens, such as low birth weight, premature labor, and developmental problems in babies born to teen moms.

It’s possible these feelings are driven by hormones, but especially if you know your parents are unsupportive, it could be due to feeling like you need your own family, something is missing, etc. talking about this with a counselor at school or elsewhere might be a good idea. They have experience in helping young girls who dream about pregnancy in handling their urges to get pregnant.

13

It’s not a problem that your boyfriend is supportive of having a baby! But is he supportive of you continuing your education? What if you go for a semester abroad or a summer internship in another state and he’s left as a “single” working dad? What if he wants to take a job on the other side of the country, and you are set at your university? My point is, there is just so many changes that we go through in our 20s. I look back on how I was at 18, 21, 25…man I was so immature. Even now, I’m almost 30 and I wouldn’t say I’m “so mature” yet…but a lot more mature than I was. You don’t even realize how much change there is until you’re looking back on it a decade later. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but just that it’s so much harder when you’re young. I got married at 27, after dating the same man for 10 years. We had gone through multiple career changes, multiple universities, long-distance, and heartbreaks…but by 27/28 we also had secure income and career trajectory, savings, and no debt, as well as a lot of important personal growth. Yes, money doesn’t buy love, but the security really does reduce the stress on a relationship and help to provide a stable household for a prospective baby. Not to mention the importance of having some special one-on-one time as a couple marrying and living together, before adding kids to the equation. Travel, honeymoon, spontaneous adventures…there’s plenty of time to have kids, but you won’t always be able a place where you can do these things alone with your love.

I really like what yreynolds said about considering what sort of person you want to be. It’s not just about how much you want a baby, I’m pretty sure everyone on this website–except maybe some of the writers–really wants a baby, but it’s about what sort of home you are bringing a baby into. I’m sure you want to be the best possible parent for your baby, and I really think a few more years and a lot more life experience will significantly increase what you are able to bring to your baby as a parent.

14

Thanks so much both of you!!!

I like the idea to talk to a counselor about that but i’am really SHY to have a face to face conservation with a stranger. (that’s why i’am doing this to an internet because this people can be more optimistic) .

My parents would be truly unsupported to this. They don’t even want to have a boyfriend in the first place. What about a baby.It’s truly the main reason that because my family didn’t work out, I want my own family to consider MINE.

I also I agree that many girls in my age want a baby. I have two close friends who are pregnant. I even found my self jealous of them,

15

@ capturedcastle. If my BF wouldn’t allow me to finish school or go to a university ,I wouldn’t be with or even consider this. But you put in mind many doubts. I don’t want to have a baby and after a week broke up with my BF. I also agreed that I must have a stable income so my baby wouldn’t miss a thing.Also I realize that I want to be with someone for a while before I take the big step and have a baby. Not only after 1 yr .I need the relationship to be tested!!

Thank you again all of you!!

I finally release (I think) how silly I was to consider this.

16

Getting intentionally pregnant at your age isn’t ideal, and I’m glad you realise that. These are your years for being crazy, having fun, and no responsibilities.

I think babies and motherhood are sugar coated by society sometimes… Its not the bed of roses it appears to be. I love my children to death but there are days where I literally want to run away. I struggle, and I am in a secure relationship, with a nice home and we are financially stable. I can only imagine how much crazier things would be if we weren’t financially stable, etc.

Enjoy your youth and remember you have at least 25 more years to become a mama. Your time will come when you are ready.

17

I remember what i was like to be 16 and in love - it was a magical feeling! It’s fantastic that you have a BF at your age that actually wants to make the kind of lifetime committ to you that having a baby together would be, but please - WAIT.

Enjoy being young and in love, Enjoy being able to go out with your friends, Enjoy having your whole life ahead of you to learn, travel, make mistakes, have life experiences… Having a baby would change everything and while some people out there still manage to do those things, a lot of options are lost if you have a baby in tow. You have so many years to have a family and you will when the time is right, but first you need to figure out who YOU are as a person, not define yourself at the age of 16 as someones Mom if you have a choice…

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Thanks both of you for your wonderful opinions & advice.

I truly appreciate it :slight_smile:

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I can totally see where you are coming from, especially with the jealously of your friends being pregnant. I am 21 about to graduate with my degree in [name_u]January[/name_u] and both my best friends have children, (a two year old and a 4 week old) and I look at them and I want what they have, but me and my SO (who have been together since we were 15) are not ready, we both still live with our parents saving for own house and enjoying our time together before we start our family.

Seriously consider waiting and enjoy your time with your boyfriend because the last thing you want is to end up resenting each other after you have a child because your life definitely changes. xox

20

Thanks so much @ laurakatex!!

PS. I [name_f]LOVE[/name_f] your signature!!