I know that the topic of double barreled last names gets discussed on NB rather regularly, but I am not sure if I’ve yet read about any real life problems of mothers who don’t share a last name with their child or children.
Here is my issue: I am not married to my baby’s father, and I do not ever plan on getting married to him. [name]Even[/name] if my mind changed on that subject, I still would never take his last name. It’s a long, rather unattractive last name, and I am just not very fond of it. On the other hand, I love my succinct, 3 lettered last name. I was married in the past, and I did give up my last name for my former husband’s, but now that I am divorced and have reclaimed my maiden name, I will never let it go again.
I have gone back and forth between hyphenating the baby’s last name or just giving the baby my last name as a 2nd middle. The 2nd middle option is where I had landed with my decision. Until today. It suddenly struck me very strongly that if I don’t hyphenate this child’s last name, we will never, ever share a name. That really saddened me. Also, I love my family and feel very connected to them. I would love that connection reflected in my child’s name.
Aside from my emotional reasons, are there any issues that any of you have dealt with by not having the same last name as your child? [name]Do[/name] you have to take extra steps to prove you are related to your child? Is traveling domestically or internationally more of a challenge? Does it become an issue on forms and documents? Are there other situations that I am not even considering where it may be an issue?
I’d love any advice that you have. I am definitely considering hyphenating now, and I’d love to be able to give some solid, non-emotional reasons for doing it.
I can’t offer any advice since I don’t have children yet, but I’m married and haven’t taken my husband’s surname (and don’t intend to). At the moment, we think our children will have only my husband’s surname. I’m not too bothered by not sharing a surname with my children. After all, I’m still their mother regardless of my name. I’ve considered using my surname as a second middle, but I don’t like the idea of hyphenating. I’m interested to see what others say about this topic, particularly if they’ve experienced difficulties because their surname is different to their child’s.
I think if your last name is very important to you, and it’s important to have that connection, then you should pass it on. As for the legal/travel thing - yes, it’s more of an issue. I come from a blended family, and to travel it’s a bit of a challenge. There are official letters and legal documents involved
If you’re so worried why not just give the baby your last name? In most states there’s no rule that says you can’t (even if the father is listed on the birth certificate). (In fact in some states you could give the baby an entirely different last name if that’s what the parents wanted to do.)
Bounceparty- Thanks for the input. I am happy to hear you like [name]Desmond[/name], too. Positive feedback on a name is always great
namefan- The baby will most definitely have my SO’s last name. That is non-negotiable. I am looking for reasonable arguments to give him why the baby should have my name in addition.
I kept my last name because I love mine and think his seems very masculine and ruins the flow of my name. My son has his last name and there has never been any problems or questions about if I’m the mother. [name]One[/name] of my brothers has my mother’s maiden name while the rest of us have my dad’s last name and there was never any questions about if he was my brother’s father or any other hassles like that. If this next baby is a girl I am actually considering giving her my last name because it sounds more feminine and my husband has no real connection to his last name anyway, I don’t anticipate any issues.
If you feel strongly about it, I would absolutely add your name to theirs, especially with it being a 3-letter name; it won’t be some obnoxiously long hyphenated name. I don’t have children, and am not married, though I’m in a long term committed relationship and we plan on having children soon. If we get married, I won’t be taking his last name. I’m in fact in the process of changing my surname to a name I made up, and I won’t ever change it again. Our children will have his surname, as I don’t have a family name I feel strongly about carrying on. I do feel like that entitles me to a little sway in the first or middle however, since they’re already getting one of his names.
My surname was changed when I was a little girl to match my mother’s re-married name, and it’s caused quite a lot of trouble, legally and otherwise. We shared a last name for part of my childhood, but from age 3/4 to roughly 10 we had different surnames (I still had my biological father’s surname at that point and she had gone back to her maiden name) and I don’t recall any major issues. A couple of children asked why we had different last names (she worked at the school so the kids knew her as Ms. So and So) and I do recall needing letters when traveling out of the country. So yes, stuff may come up but it’s nothing major or seriously inconvenient.
What with blended families and the divorce rate, I don’t think it’s a particularly unique thing to not share a last name with your mother anymore. When I was a kid, it was still kind of uncommon, but I bet your kids, and mine, won’t think much of it. So either way, hyphenated, second middle, or just his name, it shouldn’t be an issue.
with having a different sir name than your child you can expect to be called Ms. Child’ssirname once and a while, but that’s the only issue I can think of in day to day life.
I don’t speak from personal experience but I only took my husband’s last name because it sounded better than my alliterative first/ last names. I do, however, know dozens of women here who kept their maiden names or are not married and have had no issues with he fact that their children share their father’s last name. Almost every Jewish friend I have kept her maiden name -I live in the Bible Belt so most Christians here are more traditional and change their names- and as in your situation, it’s so common for parents not to be married now that it shouldn’t ever be an issue as long as you obviously take proper identification for the child when traveling, etc. Obviously, the emotional aspect of it is something you’ll have to decide about but I think it’s refreshingly modern for a woman not to feel like she has to share her husband/ partner/ child’s last name.
I don’t speak from personal experience but I only took my husband’s last name because it sounded better than my alliterative first/ last names. I do, however, know dozens of women here who kept their maiden names or are not married and have had no issues with he fact that their children share their father’s last name. Almost every Jewish friend I have kept her maiden name -I live in the Bible Belt so most Christians here are more traditional and change their names- and as in your situation, it’s so common for parents not to be married now that it shouldn’t ever be an issue as long as you obviously take proper identification for the child when traveling, etc.
Obviously, the emotional aspect of it is something you’ll have to decide about but I think it’s refreshingly modern for a woman not to feel like she has to share her husband/ partner/ child’s last name.
ETA: maybe it helps if you think of the fact that your children will grow up knowing women are independent and their own people and don’t have to ‘give up’ their maiden names if they don’t wish to? Not that there’s anything wrong with doing so, obviously, but I think that’s an easy way to begin instilling a powerful lesson.
I didn’t read all the comments, so maybe this was mentioned, but I read an article recently where a woman who previously didn’t want to take her husband’s last name decided to do it. The reason she gave was that they travel overseas a lot and having a different last name than her children was causing confusion (not being seated with her children on planes, airport security/customs in other countries wanting her to provide proof that she was their mother since that wasn’t clear from the names on their passports, etc.) Depending on your lifestyle, that may be something to consider.
When my parents married my mom did not take my dads last name. I got my moms surname and everytime my dad would call the kindergarten where I was, there were a lot of trouble and confusion because he had a different last name. My dad then took my moms surname because that would just be easier.
Personally I’ve never met anyone with a problem. I have a close friend, whose mom did not change her name, they all share their father’s last name, and they are very close, loving family. There has never been an issue.
I think there is more of an issue with double barrel names because the child has a longer name to write down and if it’s a girl, she could end up with a triple or quadruple barrel name in the future if she decides she wants to add on her husband’s name. OR she’ll have to choose one and double barrel, or might just give it up completely, and then it’s like what’s the point?
Personally I think people are too sensitive about last names and it’s not really sexist. MOST (not all and depending on country) last name are originally male, it’s all about patriarchy. So it’s the matter of belonging to your father or belonging to your husband. Which is why I decided to just take my husband’s last name, it was easier and it connects us as a family. Last names really mean nothing (imo), they just show who your parents are.
My mom remarried when I was 12 and took her new husband’s last name. When we traveled as a family I had a different last name than my mom, step-dad and step-sisters, and it was never an issue (though I do not believe we traveled out of the country until I was 18). If I traveled with my family I didn’t need any kind of note (so not sure what others are referring to). I believe that a minor does need a note to travel out of the country without her parents. It may have helped that my mom kept my last name (her first husband’s last name) as her middle - but I don’t remember it ever coming up.
Another anecdotal story which might help - I recently forgot to bring my driver’s license to the airport. Airport security looked through all of my credit cards, work ID, Costco card etc. and eventually let me go through without it. I had just taken my husband’s last name and many credit cards etc. still had my maiden (which didn’t match the name on the ticket). However, it was super helpful that I moved my maiden name to the middle spot (and included my middle name on the ticket) - not sure if they would have let me through otherwise.
Basically, I would just make sure your last name is in your child’s name somewhere (whether in the middle or last name spot). Travel officials (and schools and basically everyone) are used to seeing all types of families - I don’t think having a different last name will be a problem.
I had a different name from my mother most of my life and my children have double-barreled surnames with mine as the first part. I’ve never had any problems either way. We travel alot and no one ever questioned us or asked us to prove we were the parents of our children. I don’t ever remember my mum having issues either.
Today’s society is more used to families not having the same name, but if it bothers you to have a different name than your children then I would d-b.
My mom and father were divorced when I was a baby. I was born with my father last name, but when my mom married my step dad she took his name and our last names have been different ever since. It was never a problem. We traveled a lot and did a lot, and it was neve a burden on anyone. I have no relationship with my father and don’t plan on ever having much of one. But I sort of like having that lat name because it is a link to my heritage. As I got older, my step dad adopted me and I had trouble deciding whih last name I wanted. I often used both, even though legally it was only my biological fathers. When I got married I put both last names on the invitation. I feel a connection to both. Heritage wise I feel connected to my fathers last name, while emotionally I am very attached to my step dads. Now that I’m married I have my husbands last name and its no problem. I guess I would hiphenate your name and his fathers in your situation. That way he will always have both to cherisg. If he feels strongly later that he doesn’t want his fathers name then he can always change it.
The only issues that my mom and I have had is her sometimes being called “Mrs. Mydadslastname” by my teachers, and occasionally having to specifically name her as my mother when I put her as a contact when filling in forms and such. Mind you, I’ve never travelled out of the country with her only, so I haven’t experienced the problems that are bound to manifest themselves in that situation. And I’ve never felt that she’s isolated from the rest of my family or any less of a mother; that has never even occurred to me.
[name]Non[/name]-marital childbearing accounts for over 40% of the children born in the US, and a higher proportion in other Western countries. And of course many married women do not change their names and pass on a variety of surnames (hyphenated, father’s only, invented) to their children.
In short this is a complete non-problem. [name]Even[/name] twenty years ago that wasn’t the case, but now no one blinks an eye at airports, appointments, school enrollments, anything official.
My son has his father’s surname, I have mine. There has never been an issue.
Especially these days, I think it’s unlikely to be a problem. I am not giving my child my surname, he or she will have have their father’s. It’s easier to pronounce and spell, and he has a large family that shares his last name, while I have only one brother with my surname…and if I ever do marry, I’d like to change my name.
I do plan on needing to bring a copy of the birth certificate if I travel internationally alone with my child. But otherwise, I don’t think for school, doctors, etc. it will ever be an issue. I know friends who kept their surname or are unmarried while the child has dad’s LN, and they said the biggest inconvenience is the child’s peers calling them “Mrs. Incorrect Surname”.
ETA: I think it can be a bit more of an issue if you’re in a mixed-race family, unfortunately. I think if our child comes out looking like me, Dad would have more trouble with a different surname than I will if our child looks like him. (I’m white, he’s a darker-skinned hispanic).
