I’ve participated in a number of forums with various themes over the years, and every single one has suffered from an ebb and flow of negative energy. Nameberry’s forums seem to be less civil these days than when I first started reading and posting in 2009 (as you can see from my post count, I am not a frequent visitor… I get little samplings of the boards every few weeks/months). I remember being so pleasantly surprised at the general positivity and constructive attitude, that the more unfriendly posters were few and far between… this is so very rare. This is not the vibe I get from these forums anymore.
I know the moderators do their best, but it’s so hard to effectively enforce anything resembling a “be nice” policy without frustrating posters and making people feel like their interactions are stifled, since the line is so fine. I do wonder whether there’s something else that could help?
On a related note, I’ve noticed that the “[name]Add[/name] to ignore list” button is not working for me. I am using the latest version Chrome on a [name]Mac[/name] running Mountain [name]Lion[/name], and it is not working in Safari either.
I haven’t been on this forum very long at all, but I too have noticed an increase of downright rude comments. I made a statement mentioning my observation, and got knocked down immediately. I was told that people should “get over it” because they are asking for opinions, so they should “not be so sensitive.”
My take is, even if you don’t have something positive to say… You can still state your opinion politely! Saying “nms” or some other CONSTRUCTIVE criticism goes a long way in retaining a positive atmosphere. I have left other baby naming forums because things got too ugly. People tend to be more unfiltered online under the mask of anonymity… I guess if they choose to be ugly there’s not really much we can do about it.
A lot of times, people post names/ideas on this forum that took lots of time and thought to come up with. Whether or not they admit it, they are going to be sensitive to what you say! There’s no reason to be hateful about a name you don’t happen to like. You can choose not to comment at all, or - if you feel the need to issue a dire warning against it - do it tastefully!
Personally, I think people ARE a little too sensitive.
Also, it is hard to read emotions / intentions through text only, so what someone says might seem witty and / or constructive to themselves, but comes off completely nasty to other people. That being said, I work with the public, I KNOW how people are and when I get on the internet, I fully expect people to act like people and not always be rays of sunshine. I don’t think people should go out of their [name]WAY[/name] to be nasty or anything, but people are people. Also, I’m pretty positive this thread was started about me and I know why.
People can be sensitive, and I’m one of them. I hate to offend people, and try my best to chose my words carefully. A lot of the time I think I’m too negative, always saying “I don’t like that” “I don’t care for it” but I’m not rude! I think the real issue is that people say they asked opinions, so it’s alright. [name]Even[/name] if they did ask for opinions, I’m sure no one likes to hear that their favorite name makes them want to vomit, or scream out loud. Constructive critism is the key, even if it means saying “NMS”. Like tintri said, rejection or criticism should be tasteful!
People will be people, and I realize that doesn’t mean sunshine and unicorns and [name]Mary[/name] Poppins singing to a rainbow, but shouldn’t a little common decency and politeness be used on a site based on baby names?
I don’t have a problem with rudeness until it turns into name calling and assumptions like on the last forum I created. I just wanted people’s experiences and all of a sudden it turned into a “you shouldn’t have children” forum. Maybe I didn’t say things right? I don’t know. Thankfully I have friends and a fiance’ who are understanding and get what I mean when I talk to them.
I think it really has to do with that fact you don’t know the person so you can say a lot more than you would if you saw them in person. I try to be nice, but sometimes if I think something is just awful, I have to say so because they wanted opinions. I normally try to word it though in such a way so they know it’s my opinion, like adding imo afterwards or saying thinks like “If it were me I wouldn’t…” kind of things. Sometimes I forget though so I’m sorry if I ever seemed mean…
I agree there is a fine line. If I post, I don’t want a bunch of glitter blown at me, but it can get to the point where people seem to delight in taking someone down. I’d like to think I am pretty civil, but I can remember a few times I have been more blunt than others. (When someone wanted to use the name “Badger,” I’m sorry, I could not just say “nms” But I also did not say the poster was an idiot.) Or if someone asked about a name they heard that was amusing, I would respond in the same tone, if it wasn’t a name they actually were considering.
I guess I am more “sensitive” than most. If I respond to a thread that is more about social issues than names (gender, marriage, family planning), my heart starts to beat really fast. It’s really annoying. I fear confrontation, even if I am passionate about what I am saying.
What’s funny is I agree with the points that both @flick and @tintri made. I think the burden is on all of us to create an atmosphere that feels enjoyable and safe. No one should feel like the problem is entirely their fault for not having thick skin, nor should one have to tip-toe around or not inject humor into their replies. It gets so subjective though… I think that’s the problem.
See, I don’t see “absolutely ridiculous” as being overly rude…or even calling something ugly to be rude, either. I mean…if I think it’s ugly or ridiculous, why shouldn’t I say so? What’s the difference between saying “I don’t find it attractive” and saying it’s ugly? I can dislike a name and still not think it’s “unattractive” ([name]Charlotte[/name] is my big one, I really do not like it at all and cannot put a finger on why, but it’s not “unattractive” to me, there’s a difference) and I think this is part of why people get so up in arms - what doesn’t seem rude to one person is highly offensive to another and one person’s definition or the way they think about names can be vastly different from another.
This si why I think people need to chill. I HIGHLY doubt most people are intending to be really rude or nasty or are purposely out to hurt someones feelings. I just think that communication via the internet is difficult and unclear so we should all just chill and realize that people are most likely not trying to be nasty.
This thread is not about any particular poster. As I said, it’s a general shift I’ve noticed repeatedly on forum after forum, and it seemed to happen in the past year or so.
Of course [some] people are too sensitive. Others tend to use text-based communication carelessly (and often use “it’s easy to misinterpret the written word” as an excuse for a lack of civility). That it happens naturally is not in question, but rather the best way to foster a more welcoming
I’ve been on both sides of this myself, being “too sensitive” when I was first exposed to the online forum many years ago, going through my own phase of carelessly wording posts and being quickly frustrated with my own perception of “newbies” or “trolls,” which I am not proud of. I struggle to remind myself that the people I’m communicating are people sitting at a computer just like me, and that it’s unsafe to make assumptions about people based on a paragraph or two that they’ve written under the veil of anonymity. A big part of this problem is people referring to “real life” vs. the online world. [name]How[/name] is this not real life? It’s written communication, which is different, but it’s not some dream world that has no effect on real human beings in their everyday lives. We are still just people conversing.
I tend to find a forum in which the posters are politely constructive, or even uselessly positive, of more beneficial use than one that posters are clearly using to vent the negative attitudes they are forced to suppress in “real life” (the Yelp local forums are a perfect, though extreme, example of this… if anyone’s familiar. Absolutely terrifying people on there). It’s worth preserving, or resurrecting, if possible.
I think NB is one of the most civil, kind hearted forums around. I’ve seen a few other forums (mainly Waiting to Try to Conceive ones) and they are so, so nasty its unbelievable.
I’ve seen more blunt comments than usual here lately but they were on threads that were very “out there” in regards to subject.
I don’t agree with name calling or personal insults but sometimes, when I feel strongly about something and I want to say it, I’m afraid to do so because it could be interpreted the wrong way and seem rude or members might take it personally, because I’m not (as a PP said) blowing glitter.
If I’m replying to a thread about a name or subject I feel passionately about I feel like I have to edit my thoughts to the point of saying “Its NMS” rather than what I really think, which would be something like “I think a kid with this name might get teased, it’d be too hard to carry and be difficult for an adult to wear” or whatever.
I’m not saying I feel like we should have free passes to be as nasty as we like, but I do think a lot of glitter blowing goes on here and sometimes, especially when I post threads, I wonder what people really think when they write something like “NMS”.
I hope this doesn’t offend anyone, or that anyone finds this post rude. I’ve edited and re-edited it about 5 times before posting, so while a lot of thought has gone into it I’m struggling to find the words to get across how I feel.
I think if we all had a bit more respect for everyone else’s feelings we’d be seeing improvements
S.Shortcake, I don’t see it as offensive for whatever that’s worth.
I definitely agree that there’s a balance to it, and that NB is still on the better side of what’s out there. However, there is a distinct difference between “I think a kid with this name might be teased” and “what is wrong with you?!” or “that name is nauseating.”
A strong opinion on a name is only useful if there are tangible reasons to point to, like “I can’t stand Penelope, but I think it’s entirely due to personal associations” or “I just can’t get past the cow association with Bessie” or “Vivica is grating to my ear, I think because of all the heavy fricatives and popping ‘C’ at the end.” Those are concepts that can effectively communicate WHY someone has distaste for a name, which is useful and persuasive, where saying “ugh, it’s just so ugly” takes on a more emotional (and potentially offensive) feel and can make people feel hurt and defensive.
We can’t always put our finger on why a name doesn’t work for us, but saying “it doesn’t appeal to me, and I can’t figure out why” is still better than “ew.”
That’s part of taking personal responsibility for how our words affect others, of course. Of course one can say whatever they want, free speech and all, but are they trying to be persuasive or are they just trying to shut someone down? People can argue that someone’s being too sensitive, and sometimes that may be the case, but I tend to think in terms of communicating clearly and affectively – how can I word this most persuasively? If I want to convince someone that this name is a poor choice, what’s the best way to do that? Not purely insulting it, that’s for sure, they’ll just get upset and write me off (or start an argument).
It just frustrates me to see more and more often people getting justifiably (imo) offended by feedback, a new poster being shut down with cheap “newbie” jabs (which seem outdated to me… a low post count on ONE forum in no way indicates someone’s level of familiarity with online interactions anymore), disagreements escalating far beyond their necessary level. If someone hesitates to post or even leaves a forum entirely because the atmosphere is unwelcoming, is that really in the best interests of users remaining? Or the site’s owners, for that matter?
I agree that many forums have a more negative tone. I rarely visit things like this because I don’t like the negativity that is generally associated with them (the anonymity of the internet tends to bring out the worst in some people). I started with Nameberry because I felt like things were so supportive! However, this seems to be happening less often and I’ve lately been thinking that I’ll stop reading for a while.
