Legal Guardians

I don’t think I’ve asked this before (forgive me, I’ve been up all night lol), but have any of you made plans about who would become guardians of your children (or future children)? I know it’s an extremely uncomfortable topic, but one of my friends (mother of 3) was talking to me a bit more about her and her husband’s decision in selecting a legal guardian for their children in the event of…well, you know. [name_m]How[/name_m] did you come by your decision? [name_f]Do[/name_f] family members already know? What went into your decision?

I’m asking because we are TTC and I’m realizing that it is more important to me than I previously thought. No one likes to think that things like this can happen, but it is possible. We talked about it last year, but were stuck…we’ve already agreed on who NOT to choose: his family members and some of mine. We’d actually really like to ask the aforementioned friends, but they’d have their hands full…they are the only ones who we would trust to bring up our children. Other than them, we seriously have no other choice. We come from abusive, drug-using, alcoholic, controlling, unstable, lying, cheating, underhanded families members. We want to raise our kids to be the opposite. It’s a conversation we will have to have again soon, but I just wanted to see what you all have done.

We haven’t made any formal arrangements or anything, but we are in a much luckier position than you. My boyfriend has three wonderful sisters, two with children ranging from toddler to teenager and one with an adult child. I would trust any one of them to raise my child. My brother is a little young right now for kids and it would be a lot of extra responsibility for him, but he’s a good, kind man and I would also trust him absolutely with my child. I just know that if the unspeakable did happen, our daughter would be well cared for and well brought up by people who love her. I don’t foresee actually having to make this decision, I think it would be a decision for our families after this hypothetical tragedy, which of them felt most able to take on another child.

I am sorry you can not say the same, it must be really difficult to have to worry about that. I would ask your friends how they would feel about taking on that potential responsibility. If they are just scraping by with their three children it might not be fair to put that kind of pressure on them, but if you feel confident that they would be able to make it work, just pose the question. I completely understand not wanting to even think about your child ending up with a family member like yours seem to be. I mean at the end of the day, it is genuinely extremely unlikely that neither you nor your partner will live to see your children reach adulthood.

While we haven’t put it in a will yet, DH and I have talked a bit about this subject. Between the two of us we had 5 options: Our moms, his sister, and my two brothers. Both our mother’s would be very willing to care for our child, but they also have some medical problems that would mean our child probably wouldn’t be able to play with them and go out to do fun things as much as we’d like. They are our 2 backups for now. My younger brother, while a great mix of my hubby and I, doesn’t have his life together as of yet and so we can’t count on him to be able to care for our child. DH’s sister and her husband both have their own personal issues right now that make it hard for them to even care for themselves and so we can’t trust them to properly care for a kid either. The only option we had left was my older brother and his fiance, who both also have mental illness, but they have been actively seeking help and have been doing very well for quite some time. They are actually talking about possibly adopting a child in the near future so I know they feel ready for that kind of responsibility. They only small issue I have with it is that they live 4 hours away from me so depending on whenever (hopefully never!) they would need to take our children they would be removing them from their home, friends, and school.

We have already talked to my older brother about it and he seemed thrilled that we would even consider him, although he realizes our options are rather limited. I also talked to my mom about it because I didn’t want her to have hurt feelings and she agreed that even though she’d love to be the legal guardian, it would mean a much different life for our kids. We have not really talked to the others about it because I don’t know how they’d take it and quite frankly they don’t need to know since it will likely never happen. It’s very hard to try to think of who would be able to be responsible enough to raise your kids while also trying to pick someone who would raise them most similarly to you and your partner. I’m glad I also asked my brother about it before putting it to paper because not only was he proud to be offered, but it gives him the heads up just in case. He could have even said no to me and then we’d have to go back and try to reconsider our list. By the way, neither of us has close enough friends that we’d ever ask them although I know many people choose to do this. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and choose the best one. You can always change it later on, but it’s good to have a plan. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] this helps :slight_smile:

My husband and I discussed this as soon as we found out I was pregnant. This may seem strange to seem people. But I lost my mother when I was two and my father when I was twelve, so we’re very much aware of the fact that things can happen. It’s not an easy thing to think about, but it makes me feel better, if that’s the word, to know who’ll be taking care of [name_m]Jacoby[/name_m] and maybe our other future children if something should happen to us. We decided we want it to be my husband’s sister. That does mean they’ll have to move to the UK, but they’re our best option.
It’s not a weird or scary subject to me, really. My husband and I are legal guardians of two teenage boys. I used to be in foster care with them, they were very little at the time. If anything happens to my/their foster father, we’ll be the ones taking care of them.
It must be a very difficult decision for you. I’m sorry you’re struggling with it.

We have made concrete plans, just incase. We both come from large families but all of our siblings already have kids or are not in a position to take on 4 plus 2 incoming kids.

We chose the same godparents for all of our children and we have set up a concrete plan with them if anything were to ever happen to us, God forbid.

The two people we chose have been in my life since I was 5 and in my husbands life since he was 15, they were the only people to still talk to me when me and my then boyfriend/now husband got pregnant at 16. They were there for the birth of our now 10 year old son, they helped us more then they will ever know. They were there for the birth of all our other children and they are now married with a child of their own. We all love them so much and I know we share the same values when it comes to parenting and that was the most important thing when it came to our decision.

Thanks for your replies, everyone! It was really helpful and interesting to read your replies. I’m glad that you all have some good options for your little ones :slight_smile:

At the moment, in my will it states that should something happen to me, [name_f]Ama[/name_f]'s legal guardian will be my mum. I am a single parent, and the only friend I have that I would trust to raise my child doesn’t actually like children very much, and she certainly doesn’t want any, so she wasn’t an option. My dad also isn’t an option, and I know my mum would raise her with my wishes and would do a good job of it.

This is something that my husband and I have discussed on and off since our DD was born in 2014. We have people in mind, but have to see if they are willing to be the legal guardians if something were to happen.

We have yet to make concrete plans, but I am hoping to get a will put together sometime this year.

My husband and I haven’t discussed it yet, but I would assume it would be my parents until they feel like they aren’t capable (they are still early 60’s and very healthy). If that wasn’t an option, we have close friends as well as my sister and her husband who would do a good job I think.

His family might be rather hurt, but I think we’d both agree that none of them would really be a good fit.