Long Term Infidelity?

Parentberries
1

Does anyone have any experience with their SO and long term infidelity? I just found out my husband has been carrying on a 3 year long affair with one of my friends. I caught them on my couch on Thanksgiving, 10 hours after this “friend” landed for what was supposed to be a 2 week visit.

He has spent all day apologizing and crying and swearing that this was going to be the last visit that he was with her but I feel like that’s just damage control from being caught.

He wants to go to counseling, both for himself and for us. He called his chaplain and got an appointment for himself made. He called our insurance provider to get a list of any marriage counselors covered in our area. He says he wants to fix this. But I’m not sure if it can be fixed. I love him, or at least, I think I do.
But the whole affair started a month before he proposed and has continued this long. I just don’t know how you can do that to someone you supposedly love.
He swears up and down he loves me, that he never lied about that. That he still spent the 3 years this affair was going on trying to make me happy, he just needed extra attention on the side because I couldn’t keep up with his “appetite”. He said he needs me, but I’m the one that manages the finances, buys groceries, and keeps him in track for what he wants in life.

Has anybody come out the other side of this still married? Is there hope? Or do I need to just walk away now?

2

I may not be qualified to answer this (I have never had a relationship) but it was three years not just one kiss. It’s not worth it and personally I’d walk away but take my advice with a grain of salt. If you do walk away I hope you found someone better.

3

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be devastating to experience such a betrayal.

I think it’s important for you to take some time and talk to a counselor, just you, to sort out your own feelings and how to best proceed. Nobody can tell you what course of action will be right, but a professional can guide you and help you heal your heart.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

4

Wow. I’m so sorry. What devastating news. I agree with Mill1020 that the best thing to do would be to speak to a counselor on your own as soon as possible, and begin working through your own feelings privately. You may also want to see a couples’ counselor with your fiance as well, but these should be distinct meetings with different counselors.

I personally believe that I would not be able to forgive such indiscretion in a bf or fiance. If I were to have married a man like that, I would always wonder if I was “enough” for his “appetite” hearkening back to this incident before marriage. The anxiety caused by that type of thought pattern would just not be worth it for me. I believe that if you truly are the one handling all the finances and most chores and errands, that there is also likely an imbalance in your relationship roles and potentially a pattern of miscommunication or lack of healthy communication between you two that extends beyond this infidelity, but that is also entirely speculative based on what you wrote and I don’t mean to offend you in any way.

My course of action would be to get in touch with a counselor for myself. Then I would make sure to get a really good night of sleep (which might be really hard, but I need the rest in order to think totally clearly). I would just exercise as much self-care as possible: go for a run or walk, take a long bath, and keep eating healthily and mindfully. I would try not to engage with SO as much as possible, just letting him know that I needed space and time to think, and of course then I would have to reign in my own feelings and keep myself from going off on him, too. I’d try to speak as calmly and as level-headed as possible. I’d go see the counselor, and then with whatever insights I might be able to glean from the first counseling session, I would return to my SO for a calm talk about the circumstances, and then decide whether or not to proceed with couples counseling. You might consider going back to your own counselor a few times before making up your mind, but eventually you will either choose to continue the relationship or to leave it. Your decision for at least a day or so from now should probably be to postpone making a final decision.

5

@thefuturemrsb - I’ve personally never been in your situation, but know a woman who has. They decided to stay married and are currently still in marriage counseling several years later.

I personally, would not be able to come back from that. Especially the fact that the affair has gone on for three years. I am a [name_m]Christian[/name_m] and my husband knows that infidelity is an absolute no-no and would result in immediate divorce in our marriage. I will point out that your husband keeps saying that he loves you. Well, in my opinion he doesn’t understand love. I define love as putting another’s needs before my own, if he was cheating for that long he is not doing that.

I agree that you need to take some time to decide what you would like to do, maybe go to personal counseling, where your husband is not there while you work through your emotions and feelings about what has occurred. Is there somewhere you can stay away from
him for a time while you make a decision? Or if there’s somewhere he can go in order to give you space during your processing time?

I am so so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I am sending you hugs and prayers.

6

He’s staying in our guest room and using the spare bathroom.
We’ve been married almost 2 years now and together almost 7. I’d been cheated on in previous relationships and it was always a deal breaker.

Apparently his parents had some similar issues early in their marriage so he’s been asking his dad how he made things “right”. We’ve kind of just been existing right now. If I’m in our living room, he’s upstairs. If he’s downstairs I’m upstairs. We’re trying to give each other space.

He asked if he could come into my room yesterday. He said that he realizes he’s been a shitty husband and a shitty human being. He believes that his behavior goes back to boot camp. He said he had a hard time adjusting to military life, and that he feels like he’s been living in a fog since he left boot camp. According to him he just feels angry, if he does feel anything. And he just does what he wants regardless of how it makes anyone else feel. He’s thought about killing himself a few times because who he is isn’t who he wants to be and he can’t find a way to change by himself.
I heard him out, but I’m not sure what I believe. I know he’s changed a lot and gotten more distant since getting out of boot camp 3 and a half years ago, but I always figured it was because he was in the military and that’s “just how things are”

7

[name_f]Glad[/name_f] to hear that he is in a separate bedroom now and is giving you space.
Many hugs! Maybe you can do something nice for yourself this weekend and get away from the house for a bit. What is relaxing to you? Going to a movie? Getting a mani/pedi, while these things are not going to change anything it’ll definitely help you to have things going on outside of dealing with the state of your marriage.

8

I read earlier today what you wrote here about your husband’s infidelity and although I am brand new to this community and still learning how to use things, I’ve been thinking about your situation all day long, mainly because I too was cheated on by my husband for years. I hope you won’t mind reading my story because looking back there are many things I regret doing or not doing and I hope I will be able to shed some light.

We had been married for almost five years when I caught him with another dentist who worked at the same practice as he… It was horrible because at the time I was struggling with post-natal depression and I couldn’t have been more shocked. I quickly learned that they had been on and off again since university and that similarly to your case, he dated and married me still with strings attached to her. Honestly, I felt so utterly betrayed and disgusted. You see, because it’s not just about him being with another woman sexually or romantically, it’s about over five years of him lying to my face, being sneaky and dishonest and arranging to meet with her and all. A person who does that in my opinion is a pathological liar. The fact that he was hiding the entire ordeal from me only added to the excitement and adrenaline of their relationship and what hurts me a lot is well, is that we would always invite her into our home for dinner (along with her boyfriends or family), go out together for drinks or to the theater. I felt stupid, so, so stupid for never having noticed a thing.

I realize now that he did not love me, he loved the idea of me, his wife who would bear him children, take care of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, half of the taxes and basically be his substitute mother or nanny. Because he did not love me, simply he grew dependent of me to cater to his every need. I know now that I was stuck in an abusive marriage, because I was used, lied and betrayed to so cruelly and purposefully. There is no excuse. This sexual appetite thing your husband said you weren’t enough to satiate that’s bollocks, I’m sorry. Your husband was extremely selfish and cruel to you, what my ex did and what your did, that’s humiliating and in a way degrading. I felt so unworthy and less of a woman when I found out…

More than anything, I regret that at the time I didn’t send him away. Simply I stayed by his side passively for another seventeen months. But even if he did stop seeing her and did everything to try and make me feel better or forgive him, I could not trust him anymore. I felt disgusted by him in such a way that I began to be disgusted of myself for being stupid. We tried counseling and couple’s therapy, to no avail. I grew to loathe the very presence of him in my home, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin when around him. So one day, I packed all of his clothes and everything that belonged to him in boxes and when he arrived home from work I had left with my sons to spend the weekend with my mum. He wouldn’t stop phoning, not me, not my friends, not my mum or my sister or anyone close to me. Until he showed up at the door and we had one of those fights and for me it was very, very positive, to let out all of that sadness and resentment I felt. He hurt me in away that I never knew it was possible to hurt and he needed to know that it was unacceptable and that I was fed up with it. I have no idea why I had not done it earlier. That sort of negative feeling grows inside of you like a black hole ready to swallow you from the inside out. It’s awful.

What I want to say is, after this huge message is that the kind of trust that is broken it never fully mends back. And I’m not sure it’s worth trying to either. Three years later and I cannot imagine myself with him anymore and although it was very, very difficult and took a long time I am finally in a place where I have made peace with it, moved on and am for the most part very happy with my life. In a way I feel as though I was relieved of a very heavy burden.

I think everyone here has given you good advice, to seek therapy for you to deal with all this pain you now carry and all but if I were you I would leave the house or have him leave, even if for just a week or two. I think you more than anyone need peace and space to sort things out and let all of these feelings be fully processed. I wish you all of the best and hope that you know how special, beautiful and worthy you are and that what happened is no one’s fault but his and that woman who you kindly refer to as friend but was no true friend at all.

  • [name_f]Alice[/name_f]
9

@ms.carroll - so sorry to hear you experienced something similiar. You are a strong woman.

10

Thanks everyone.

Today has been better. We’ve not really talked. I’m trying to stay busy with college and work.
I’m waiting for our counseling to start. I’m hoping if he can get the help he needs we can built a better start for working on our relationship. I’m still skeptical it can be saved. But unlike him, I took my vows seriously, so I’m willing to put in some effort to making this work if he’s truly changed.
Only time will tell I guess.

11

Sending you hugs and prayers. I agree with you that only time will tell what will happen. We are always here to listen and give advice or just plain listen when you need to vent.

12

Hello, I’m glad you are feeling a bit better now. I wish you all the luck in the world and fingers crossed that with counseling you both will be able to start fresh and he will learn from his mistakes and never betray you like that any more.

  • [name_f]Alice[/name_f]
13

The only advice I can give would be to put yourself first, you need to do what’s best for you. If that means going to counseling and working on your relationship, then that’s what you need to do. But please don’t do those things for him. You deserve to be happy, completely happy, do whatever you need to do in order to find that happiness. Sending love your way. <3

14

I haven’t been through it myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I agree with the others that counseling for yourself is important. Marriage counseling and just talking is going to be hard seeing tears and hearing numerous excuses about why it was done, so to be able to get counseling and talk to someone who can help you consider everything without his influence would be beneficial. Especially whether you feel you can trust him again.

The excuses need to stop because it sounds like he’s trying to turn around the blame. There are many people out there who are coupled and don’t have the same sex drives. That’s not a reason to cheat. The thing is, if you have children, your energy is going to be zapped unless he helps out too (since it sounds like he’s not taking much responsibility around the house), and the next excuse will just be that you’re busy with the children.

Change isn’t going to be easy, but if he can’t start considering the feelings of others, especially yours, then I’d say there isn’t much to be done and I’d get out. I’m sorry you’re going through this, like the others have said take care of yourself.

15

I haven’t been through this myself, but I do have friends who have. They had two children together before he had an affair for I’m not sure how many years with his wife’s best friend. From what I understand, the affair then ended. They had two more children before he told his wife/she found out. All the while she was still best friend’s with the woman who had been cheating with her husband because she had no idea. The friendship is over, but the marriage has lasted. They went to lots of counseling, but she struggles from what I have seen to truly forgive him. That would be my biggest caution/advice that if you tell him you forgive him later on and decide to stay in your marriage, truly forgive him and don’t hold it over him. It has been very hard on them because she continues to make him feel guilty/guilt-trip him though she claims to have forgiven him. It won’t be easy, but you don’t have to walk away from your marriage. Lots of hugs, love, and prayers for you!

16

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If I were in your position, I would go ahead with the marriage counseling, but also seek individual counseling sessions with a therapist. Therapists are not just for people mental health problems- they can also assist people going through tough times in their lives and help prevent issues like depression. I think it would be wise to have a professional to help guide you through this very difficult situation. Ideally, this therapist would help you make decisions you will be at peace with moving forward.

Not knowing you personally or all the details of the situation, I really can’t give any further advice. However, from looking at your past posts it seems that you had been TTC. If that is true, I would stop immediately. A baby adds incredible stress to a marriage, and this is not the proper situation in which a child should be brought. Babies NEVER save relationships and generally add a lot of additional stress and responsibility to their parents’ relationship. If you decide to stay and would still like to have children in the future, make sure that ALL of these issues are completely resolved before that time.

17

Something I always tell myself and the women around me in relationships is “Never take back a beater or a cheater.” You will never have that trust for him back again. This will be a permanent scar on your relationship. There will always be the thought in your mind that he could do it again and, frankly, if he thought for three years that you couldn’t keep up with his “apppetite” I’d say there’s a solid chance he’ll cheat again and just be more careful about it next time. Or maybe less careful if he knows you’ll just take him back. He obviously doesn’t love you if he did that to you and him saying he “needs” you to keep him on track and buy his groceries is just complete selfish nonsense. He wants to keep you around not because he loves you or wants you but because you do all the domestic stuff that he doesn’t want to have to do on his own. And I definitely agree with you saying his crying and pleading was damage control for being caught. Why wouldn’t he have broken down in tears, begging for forgiveness, two and a half years ago if he really felt that bad for what he what he was doing? There are so many other, good men out there and it pains me to see young women stay in crappy relationships with men who do cruel things to them. No relationship that has infidelity like that, long term and obviously full of emotions for this other woman, will ever be loving and fulfilling. I’m sorry if what I said sounds harsh but I know personally that I would never be able to stay with a man who did that to me and I don’t think any woman should.

18

I haven’t experienced this but I felt the need to chime in from something I noticed.

This to me indicates his apology is not too sincere. However subtly it may be, whether he’s aware of what he’s doing or not, it seems he’s trying to shift the blame onto you, that you couldn’t keep up with him. And frankly that’s BS. That screams damage control. This is his problem, this is something he did, and if he’s not even prepared to take full responsibility for his actions, you don’t owe him a damn thing. And there are some difficult things to consider. He had three years to think about whether this was what he wanted, he had three years in which he could have come clean, and he didn’t. If you hadn’t caught them, do you think he would have ever pulled out all these counsellors and whatnot? Are you ever going to trust him again?

I’m not saying stay angry at him forever. But I am saying you deserve so much better than this. If he’s not going to take responsibility, if you’re not sure you’ll ever feel happy or secure in your marriage again, then consider moving on. Stay strong, beaut.

19

Any and all attempts at TTC have been firmly halted. I still have 3 days until I’m supposed to start.
He says he was going to stop and get help after this. He had contact info for a therapist in his phone. He said he tried to stop before on his own, once for 4 months and once for 6 weeks.
For the moment I’m staying and going to therapy, not for him but for me. I need answers and he’s the only one that has them. He knows my mind isn’t made up as to if I’m staying or not. I want this to work, but I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to be close to him without thinking of the two of them.

At some point I know I’ll have to fully forgive him. I’ve seen what holding onto hatred and betrayal can do to someone and thats not a path I want to take.

20

@thefuturemrsb - I’m glad that you are getting therapy for you. Yes, at some point, even if you part ways you will need to forgive him. [name_m]Just[/name_m] remember that forgiveness is for you, not for him, and that forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. Sending you many hugs.