The father of [name_f]Emma[/name_f], [name_m]Caden[/name_m] and my twins has decided to walk out of our lives yet again.
I lost count of how many times it’s been at this point.
It started when I was pregnant with [name_m]Caden[/name_m]. He was in and out throughout the whole pregnancy and was gone completely before [name_m]Caden[/name_m] was born. He maybe spent a few weeks with [name_f]Emma[/name_f] after she was born.
He came back into our lives this year which was the first time he had ever met [name_m]Caden[/name_m]…and [name_m]Caden[/name_m] turned 3 this year.
Since we conceived the twins, he’s been in and out of our lives…
This has been the final straw for me. I don’t think it’s fair what he’s doing to the kids. Especially [name_f]Emma[/name_f], she worships him (when she gets to see him)
I think at this point, it’s best to not let him back into their lives.
I would like to go as far as taking legal action, and my SO supports this decision, but would it do any good?
I don’t want to waste my time talking to a lawyer if there’s nothing that can be done legally.
Is what he’s done enough to take his parental rights from him? Is it possible to make sure he never has rights to the boys?
I always have let him back in thinking it was best for the kids, thinking they needed their father, but it’s been so many times at this point, I’m not so sure that’s the best choice, at least till he grows up some.
If the kids wanted to see them when they got older, I would fully support them in their decision but is there anything I can do in the meantime?
Thanks in advance for any advice you have.
I’m really having a hard time with this…I want to make the right decision for my children.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you have full custody of your children at the moment? Does he have visitation rights? Were or are you married? Definitely depends on your specific situation, but I’m sure you can take legal action to keep him out of your children’s lives. However, if he hasn’t done anything “bad” (i.e. abused them or you, has a drug problem, etc.) then it’ll probably be harder, especially if he wishes to retain his parental rights. By the way, I’m not a lawyer, that’s just what I think the likely scenario will be.
Unless he has done something really horrible, it would be hard. [name_m]Even[/name_m] child-abusing drug addicts can still get supervised visitation.
Is we willing to sign away his rights? If he would consent to sign away his rights that would also get him off the hook for any and all child support, which could be a good incentive for getting him to do so.
Unfortunately, unless he’s willing to sign his rights away there’s not much you can do for any of them.
There is no dead beat dad clause in family law, though there probabbly should be.
this is not legal advice
You do not have to list him as the father on the birth certificate for the twins (as it sounds like they haven’t been born yet). That would place the burden on him of filing a paternity suit and establishing his paternity instead of the burden being on you to show he he’s unfit.
Laws vary from state to state, so you should always consult a lawyer in your home state. But simply being flaky is unlikely to be sufficient to terminate his parental rights. Such a termination would also relieve him of the financial support to which his children are entitled (as would not listing him as the father on a birth certificate).
[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t put him on the twin’s birth certificate.
Instead of going to court to take away his rights, tell him you don’t want him in and out of his children’s lives, so you won’t be allowing him to visit. There’s a good chance a dad like him won’t bother going to court.
Record everything from now on. Keep a log of when he doesn’t show or call and when he does, get phone or text records from the phone company, etc. that way if he DOES go to court to get visitation or custody, you can show why you think he’s unfit.
We were never married, the kids even have my last name. So we have just kind of had this unstated agreement that they live with me and he could come see them if he wants.
During one of our break-ups he told me he was going to take me to court and fight me for them, but nothing was ever done. (He was going to try to say I was unfit)
I think at this point he may not care anymore but there is that chance that he wouldn’t just sign his rights away. Which, I think would be just to “get back at me”
Also, when he threatened to take me to court, I told him that he would probably end up having to pay child support and he didn’t believe me (He has a lot of growing up to do obviously) so I don’t think telling him if he signed away the rights he wouldn’t have to pay would be an incentive for him.
I will not put him on the boys birth certificate, thanks. Is there anything I can do about [name_f]Emma[/name_f] and [name_m]Caden[/name_m] though?
I like the recording everything idea so thank you.
We were never married. So we have just kind of had this unstated agreement that they live with me and he could come see them if he wants.
During one of our break-ups he told me he was going to take me to court and fight me with him, but nothing was ever done. (He was going to try to say I was unfit)
I think at this point he may not care anymore but there is that chance that he wouldn’t just sign his rights away. Which, I think would be just to “get back at me”
Also, when he threatened to take me to court, I told him that he would probably end up having to pay child support and he didn’t believe me (He has a lot of growing up to do obviously) so I don’t think telling him if he signed away the rights he wouldn’t have to pay would be an incentive for him.
I will not put him on the boys birth certificate, thanks. Is there anything I can do about [name_f]Emma[/name_f] and [name_m]Caden[/name_m] though?
I like the recording everything idea so thank you.
It sounds like you’re in control of his access to the kids; you can force the issue by refusing to allow him that access. That will place him in the position of effectively giving up or taking you to court. BUT taking such an action may be frowned upon by a judge should he decide to drag you into court.
Honestly, it sounds like you need to clarify his legal rights and obligations to the two older children. Unless he wants to surrender parental rights, he should be assisting financially. Of course, that’s likely to mean he’ll also have a court order for visitation. But if you think there’s any chance of him falsifying a complaint against you and claiming you are unfit, it would be better to take the first shot, as it were.
As a previous poster noted, keep records of his contact with the kids, conversations with you, financial contributions, etc. And to protect yourself, make sure plenty of people, including non-relatives, have a chance to see you taking great care of your kids (in case he ever raises a question). A local lawyer can probably give you the best, most applicable advice.
- this is not legal advice *
Does he not pay child support now? Maybe telling him you’ll sue for child support would encourage him to terminate his parental rights?
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you have a legal arrangement for custody at the moment? From what you said, it sounds to me like the children live with you, but you allow him to see them when he wants. I’d definitely consult a lawyer and have a legal agreement drawn up. I agree with [name_f]Freya[/name_f] - you should take action before he does.
Does he not pay child support now? Maybe telling him you’ll sue for child support would encourage him to terminate his parental rights?
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you have a legal arrangement for custody at the moment? From what you said, it sounds to me like the children live with you, but you allow him to see them when he wants. I’d definitely consult a lawyer and have a legal agreement drawn up. I agree with [name_f]Freya[/name_f] - you should take action before he does.
I am not an expert by any means, but I thought I’d share my personal story.
My mother left my father and me just after my 2nd birthday. She had no interest in seeing me at all. My father sent certified letters to her whenever we moved, to make sure she knew where to find me if she did care to see me. After years of no response and no contact, my father went to court when I was 12 to have her parental rights terminated. She never showed up to the court hearing, so her rights were terminated.
I don’t know if this will help your situation at all, but it is possible!
I’m of the opinion that parental rights should only be terminated if there’s abuse. I say this as someone whose biological fathers’ parental rights were terminated for no other reason than abandonment, not paying child support, the usual dead-beat dad stuff. The issues that I dealt with as a young adult had to do with anger at my mother for making that decision for me, and anger at my father for not fighting. By all means go to court and get both of your rights and responsibilities on paper, but think long and hard on actually terminating his right to be a parent through a court of law. That’s pretty hardcore. Bad parent or not, he is their father, half of who they are comes from him. If he wants to float in and out their lives, let him. [name_m]Just[/name_m] stop letting him back into your life. When they’re old enough they can decide whether they want that to continue or not. Only you know the whole story, this is just my two cents as someone who lived a similar story.
I don’t agree with this. I was raised by only my father, and did not know my mother. I wouldn’t have recognized her if I saw her on the street. The reason my father got her rights terminated was so that, if anything happened to him, I would go to live with my aunt and uncle, and not my mother. I obviously didn’t know at the time and still don’t know for sure now, but I’ve heard stories about her being into drugs and having many boyfriends in and out. That is NOT a good environment to be brought up in, regardless of that fact that she was my biological mother. I have always been thankful that my father made sure I would NEVER be subjected to that. As said before, only you know your story and everyone’s situation is different. But, I think you should consider who your children would be placed with if anything happened to you. It’s probably less likely they would be automatically placed with a dead-beat dad than a dead-beat mom (why is that always the case?) but a legal/biological parent is always the first consideration.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] if you don’t put him on the birth certificate, he can still fight to see the kids if he chooses to come back into their lives. If he really doesn’t want to be in any of their lives, the only way to truly get rid of him is to have him sign off on his rights. That can only be done through the courts.
Right. I agree that in your case, it was the best option. However, in your case, your mother left when you were 2, and your father waited until you were 12. That’s a far-cry from terminating a parent’s rights before children 3 and 4 are even born. I’m assuming the father of OP’s children isn’t bad, just immature and afraid of responsibility. I reached this conclusion because she not only allowed him back into her children’s lives, but she conceived more children with him.
Like I said, go to court and get all your rights and responsibilities in writing. Terminate his rights if you really feel that’s the best option. I’m just letting OP know that when her children are older, there may be some anger directed in her direction for making that decision before the children are old enough to know what that means. I don’t doubt that watching your children’s hearts break every time dad leaves is hard, but let them decide that’s a heartbreak they no longer wish to have in their lives. Children are much smarter than adults realize, and may make the decision to not see dad (when he cares to see them) at a younger age than you think. If dad isn’t abusive (and I’ll add, isn’t living a dangerous lifestyle), and has at least an inkling of a desire to be in the kids lives, I think every effort should be made to let the children know what kind of father they have. This doesn’t have to mean letting the kids stay at his house, visits can be supervised. [name_m]Just[/name_m] go get it all sorted in court. If he doesn’t show for court, you can take it from there.
I won’t be posting in here again, as it’s a sensitive topic for me and I feel I’ve said my piece.