Loss, and accepting family is finished

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Parentberries. I’ve got a couple things going on that I’m finding tricky today.

One is that what would have been my due date for a pregnancy which ended in (early) miscarriage is approaching.

Second is that once again my feelings of really really wanting a 3rd child are particularly strong, hubby is adamant we’re done.

I guess if people have time to share I’m looking for some advice on:

  • How you’ve handled the due date for a miscarriage (anything to acknowledge the date, or anything you did that helped? [name_m]Feel[/name_m] very alone in it as pregnancy never even felt real to hubby and he didn’t want another anyway).

  • How you closed the door and accepted your family was done?

  • A list of all the ‘big kid’ stuff to look forward to either for yourself or as a family when there are no more babies in the house? I’m hoping this will help, reminders of how hard and how limiting the newborn phase is. E.g. I can’t wait to take is hiking, though as they’re only 3 and 5 it still feels like a way off! Also looking forward to getting new carpet and have no one spilling up on it or smearing glitter glue over it.

Thanks so much :heart:

2 Likes

I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t have my own children so I can’t offer any advice on the first two but there is a 17 year age gap between me and my sister, she’s 3 so we’re getting to the ‘big kid’ stage now which is pretty cool. So things I enjoy / am excited for:

  • No more nappies! [not something I thought too much on when I needed to do it but definitely not something I’ve missed in the last 18 months]
  • Being able to just take a bag with spare clothes, a drink bottle and a couple snacks instead of a pram and nappy bag
  • Routine and naps - the freedom to do an activity or be out for the day and not have to worry about when L.O. has to sleep or have the aftermath of a late or missed nap
  • Not having to worry about them putting everything in their mouth (it’s not until I’m around my cousins that I’m reminded just how often <2 do this)
  • We’re getting to the ‘big kid’ stuff now:
  • We took her to her first football game last month
  • We’ve been to the theme park a few times (she’s still a bit too little for most of the rides but she’s getting there)
  • She’s getting into Disney/Pixar movies and showing more of an interest in listening to our music
  • Really getting into the creative play and dressing up and just interests in general
  • Wanting to learn and be independent - my sister has two responses: if it’s something that directly involves her (like shoes and socks on), it’s ‘I do it’ and if it doesn’t involve her (like doing the dishes or other mundane tasks), it’s ‘Can I help you’
  • [name_f]My[/name_f] brother and I like going indoor rock-climbing and my sister is always asking to go (obviously still too little but can’t wait until she’s old enough)

That’s all I’ve got for now, not sure how much that helps but wishing you and your family all the best x

4 Likes

I am sorry you are going through this.

I can’t comment on question 1, but I had my Fallopian tubes removed following my second because it was decided we were done after two and there were many factors to knowing we were done:

  • Age: Gave birth to my second at 37 and didn’t think it wise to have a pregnancy after 39. We acknowledge it is possible, but risks can increase and we didn’t think it was in our interest to have to chase toddlers in our mid-forties.
  • Health: Had some health complications through two pregnancies that resolved after birth, but just didn’t want to put my body through them again and increase risks for chronic conditions to develop. [name_f]My[/name_f] family history also shows my tubal may help me avoid issues my mother had later in life with her reproductive organs. Partner also has anxiety issues and a third child might overwhelm him.
  • Lifestyle: The world is built for families of four so a third child would require a lot of lifestyle changes like our family vehicle, home, affording extracurricular activities, etc. [name_f]My[/name_f] partner was a third child so he had a front row seat in the changes that came when he arrived.
  • Preference: [name_f]My[/name_f] partner and I only ever really discussed a maximum of two children. When it was known we were having a second boy, I opened up the discussion of “trying for a girl” cause I felt bad for my partner who so desired a daughter, but he brought me back down with the fact he loves our boys and can’t imagine having three kids.

I have had moments where I think I could do it again, but these are the things I think about that remind me why we stopped and I stand by it.

[name_f]My[/name_f] sons are younger than your children, but these are things I look forward to both as a mother and an individual:

  • Further away road trips and different vacations
  • The end of diapers and the diaper bag
  • Learning milestones (I am a teacher, can’t wait to see them learn to read)
  • More in-depth conversations about life as they get more conversational
  • Their dad being able to take both boys on camping trips (youngest is still breastfeeding and is thus always tied to me) and having short spurts of me time
  • Returning to my more time-consuming hobbies as they become more independent

I might have more, but my little just woke up and needs tending to.

1 Like

Im so sorry for your loss and I hope youre finding some comfort. I have no advice on how to handle the due date personally, but one of my closest friends had a small memorial plaque made for her loss, she placed/hung it on a tree in a beautiful part of her favorite hiking area and every year she goes hiking either on her loss date or due date or both, or whenever she’s feeling the loss. And brings flowers to her plaque.

As for deciding our family is done, tbh I dont know if I ever will. And even now I’ve been trying to get comfortable with that feeling, and just allowing it to be open ended and accepting it. I’ve been trying to visualize it as instead of closing the book, we’re stepping through the open door to the next part of life with my kids and family in tow.

For big kid stuff. Most of what we’re looking forward to is the little stuff. Being able to have family game night where no one needs special accommodations or parents help because they don’t understand the rules, or being able to go potty 100% independent, being able to run a quick errand and everyone can get their shoes on and buckle themselves in.
But also some of the bigger stuff like being able to travel and experience those new things with them and they will remember it and understand what’s happening. Being able to go to plays and concerts and have them enjoy it. Learning about the kinds of things they like and are interested in. Seeing them participate in dance, sports, art or whatever it is they love

I hope this helps a little

1 Like

I’m really sorry your going through this :yellow_heart:

I have actually never planned any of my pregnancies but have been pregnant three times two ending in loss.

I got pregnant really young I was 16, in abusive relationship so it was not planned I was in a relationship where I couldn’t control my body, provide consent concerning s3x so thinking about its not surprising I ended up pregnant I ended up having a miscarriage shortly after my 17th birthday lost my daughter at 23 weeks and 6 days. It was a real different experience from an early miscarriage. We got to hold her, have a memorial service, name her and others knew which I suppose made the whole thing more ‘real’.
I think it was easier to grieve this loss. The day she was born (March 21st) is the day I mark by going to her memorial place and talking about her. It’s my day of remembrance where I take the time out to remember Alexandra. However I do not really think about her due date as it doesn’t feel as important March 21st.

Years later I met Joseph and I experienced an early miscarriage nearly two years into our relationship. Again the pregnancy wasn’t planned. I was really poorly with my kidneys and my contraception failed due to constant illness. I had to have an operation and I think the stress of this procedure caused the miscarriage. Similarly regarding this loss I take time out and reflect. I actually visit Alexandra memorial place and take time out to think about this loss which is really lovely. For me this experience hasn’t affected me as greatly as the loss of Alexandra but I feel having a spot to reflect helps. I also gave this baby the name Caroline. Don’t ask me why I gave this baby a girl name but it helps to associate this pregnancy with a name just makes it easier to process.

For healing with pregnancy loss my advise is

~ choose a date to remember this loss and take time out to reflect. Giving yourself a moment to grieve.
~ speak to a therapist that can help with pregnancy loss you can get pregnancy loss therapist this may help with understanding your emotions
~ I found bestowing a name onto this angel child helped make the whole experience more real

Regarding more children I feel I am part of the one and done parade. I cannot envision myself having any more children. It’s weird I feel like I am missing out on the opportunity of going through another pregnancy, finding out the gender, naming the baby, preparing for the birth, experiencing those first moments of meeting a new baby and all those milestones that follow. But then I think of the positives I will not have to experience

~ morning sickness and pregnancy in general yep that didn’t agree with me.
~ giving birth yep that also was a disaster for me
~ sleepless nights being nocturnal is not my vibe
~ no more nappies! Also saves tons of money as I will not need to purchase formula, baby food etc
~ I will not have to go through weaning

Okay joking aside I think I just focus on Lilia watching her grow and enjoy those milestones. I just treasure her and think of how lucky I am to have her.

Really hope these ramblings help

2 Likes

I don’t have any particular wisdom to share. I just wanted to say that I am sorry you’re struggling and I hope you can find peace eventually. These are all really hard things to process. I’m glad you felt safe in this space to ask for help. :purple_heart: :yellow_heart: 🩵 xx

1 Like

I have been thinking of you and [name_f]Blossom[/name_f].
Miscarriages as you know, are something I have too much experience in, and the anniversary of my hardest loss is coming up in a few short days.
I mark my losses differently every year, and it’s never quite the same. As you know, and have done, naming them helps a lot. With a name like [name_f]Blossom[/name_f], maybe you would find it cathartic to plant something in her honour, a tree, a flower. Besides just being a memorial, being out in nature is very healing on those hard days. I like to find a place with water, a lake, a river, and sit and think on things. I find it incredibly peaceful to be alone with my thoughts and able to consider/grieve the what ifs of it all.
I also have a tattoo commemorating my pregnancies, which is something I’m still glad I chose to do years later. It gives me a daily reminder but in a good way. I got a tattoo that makes me smile when I look at it.
There’s no simple way to grieve or easy answer to how to handle those days, just find something that speaks to you and what feels right :two_hearts:

4 Likes

Deleted for privacy. :slight_smile:

3 Likes

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, time, kind words, advice. It’s all super helpful.

@tori101 I’m so sorry for the huge amount of loss amd difficulty you’ve experienced. Your loss of [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] sounds particularly hard. Thank you so much for sharing :heart:

@Kibby thank you for your words. I do want a tree, but I also kind of want it to be a native tree, to be better for local insects/birds/lizards. I think this is what I’ll definitely do, but the trees I’ve tried to plant over my other kids’ placentas keep dying :upside_down_face: I need to find something really hardy!

@Chococat thank you so much for posting. I’m so sorry things have ended up trickier than you’d planned, that sounds like a lot to be dealing with. Your post has really helped bring me back to reality. [name_f]My[/name_f] ovaries and heart keep telling me there’s someone missing, and imagining everything being fine… but I hated pregnancy (hideous morning sickness to 16 weeks or more), and both my births were terrifying. We’re already incredibly lucky to have two living children who aren’t severely disabled. I think I really need to focus on what we’ve got right now and not what ‘could be’, particularly when I already know it’s risky.

3 Likes

I’m late commenting, but I’ve been following this thread and wanted to say again that I’m so sorry for your loss, both of this baby and of your dreams of a bigger family. I can’t speak to all the points of your situation, but I had a couple thoughts.
[name_f]My[/name_f] loss date felt more significant to me than my due date; it felt more like an anniversary, as I was remembering the circumstances from a year earlier. I didn’t do anything special, but I had written baby’s name on my wall calendar as I do for birthdays. They are inevitably overshadowed by my living children, but they are so loved and they deserve to be remembered. We planted a clump of flowers for them last summer which look like they may need to be replanted…
[name_f]My[/name_f] younger sister had a miscarriage around 12 weeks last fall. She has no living children yet and I know her due date this spring was hard. Soon after her loss, I had a little necklace made for her with her baby’s initial and the date. She wears it often.

Some things I’m looking forward to as the kids get older:
No more diapers and no more potty training!
Easier travel
Easier and more frequent date nights :grin:
No baby in our bedroom (ok, part of me also enjoys having them there)
A little more time for my own work, hobbies etc.
Everyone being able to sit quietly during church (also concerts and so forth) :smile::smile:

Best wishes to you and your family.

1 Like