Loving One of Your Children More Than The Others?

Parentberries
1

I thought this would be an interesting topic of discussion, given that this is a topic that has been covered quite a lot in my local media recently.

Before I got pregnant on baby #2, the thought of having another baby scared me. I loved (and still love) [name]Amelie[/name] so much, I would do anything for her, her happiness and well being is honestly paramount to every other thing in life, including my own needs and wants. I put her first, always.

I was concerned that if I had a second baby, I wouldn’t love him/her as I love [name]Amelie[/name]. I definitely did not want to be one of those mum’s who has an obvious favourite. But I was very uneasy about TTC #2 because of this.

Luckily, those feelings disappeared for me as soon as I found of I was pregnant. I love this baby just as much as I do my DD, I feel a bond with him/her already and I am no longer afraid. It wasn’t as though my love was cut in two, between my two children, it was as though it grew. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I’m wondering how Berries feel about this. Is this a common fear? It is acceptable to love one of your children more than the other?

This article in particular got me thinking about the whole thing:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/4844455/i-love-my-daughter-more-than-my-other-kids.html

It is probably exaggerated a little, given that it’s a tabloid, but still. The mum in this story basically admits that her 3rd child is openly her favourite. She spends more time with that child than the others, spends more money on her, allows her misbehave, and even left hospital after giving birth to her son ASAP cause she missed her, despite the fact that her newborn son was remaining in the hospital in the special care unit. That, in my opinion, is despicable and unacceptable. I feel sorry for her other kids, but more so for her poor son, alone in the special care unit because his mummy missed his sister and wouldn’t stay in the hospital with him.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this, or personal experiences they’d like to share? Thanks for reading!

2

I worry about it, frankly. It seems, like, mathematically impossible to devote as much love, time, attention and worry to a second child as you did with the first. Wouldn’t they notice? What about the famous “middle child syndrome?”

Also I feel like I won the [name]Baby[/name] Lottery the first time around with the world’s most perfect baby, and can’t imagine (currently) another one being as wonderful. :slight_smile:

3

I’ve never worried about it. My parents, whom I have an amazing, loving and very open relationship with, have always explained the love they have for us in the way you did - that their capacity to love has grown with each child. There’s not an unlimited amount of love in each of; having more than one child doesn’t mean you’ll love them less. Of course I’m not having a second child yet and my feeling might change, but I think having more than one is an opportunity for everyone’s love to grow, the oldest child as well. Sibling love is very special.
I do get how you felt before you got pregnant though, although it’s never been a fear of mine. The one thing I am at times scared of is liking one of my children more. Probably not when they’re small, but when they grow up. It’s natural not to like everyone equally, and that I do find frightening.

Now, [name]Denise[/name] Salerno is a crazy woman, obviously there’s something wrong with her. Is it just me or does it seem like there are more horrible people here at home (U.K.) than in the rest of Europe?

4

Or maybe she’s hard up and the [name]Sun[/name] paid her to say ridiculous things in print.

5

I’ve heard it said that our capacity to love is unlimited, because love doesn’t divide, it multiplies.

6

Mmm… I don’t think I’ll ever love one more than the other, but I must be honest and say that I didn’t really love either of them instantly. It was more of a protective thing? I can’t really describe it but as soon as I saw [name]Hazel[/name] for the first time, i felt very protective of her and I felt the need to look after her. (Which could count as love if you see it that way) It’s undeniable that it’s love now though. I felt the same with [name]Arthur[/name] when he was born…

… It’s hard to explain, really. But I couldn’t really ever love one more than the other…

7

I don’t believe that we have a limited amount of love, personally - for our children, family members or anyone else. I think that you can love many, many people in many different ways and loving one person does not diminish your love for someone else. I think this applies to everyone and all varieties of love, not just maternal.

That being said, I can see why people would worry about it, especially with your children, it’s a maternal instinct, I think.

Now, like [name]Ottilie[/name] said, LIKING your children is totally different lol! Not that I think I will ever “dislike” my children but I know for a fact that I get along better with my mom at times more than others and I know she gets along with my sister more than she does me at times - that’s just how it is, especially as adults, you don’t always get along or like everyone equally all the time - that doesn’t mean you love them any less.

8

I love both my children equally but I do get along with one more than the other. It’s just that our personalities are more in line with each other. I do not treat the other one any less though, and still do as much with them as I do the other (and yes, I’m intentionally refusing to say which I prefer).

I agree that there isn’t a certain amount of love someone can have and you can love many people in many different ways.

9

[name]Flick[/name], I loved your comment, especially the first paragraph. Made so much sense to me!!

10

This is exactly what I was getting at. Growing up, my mother and I DID NOT get along, even as young as 5 or 6 years old. Our personalities are so incredibly close and on top of that, I was a very whiny child. She always got along better with my sister. Now that we are adults and live separately, we get along great! (for the most part) But when I was growing up, forget it.

11

Well, as far as middle child ‘syndrome’ goes, that’s normal. There simply won’t be enough time to devote to the second child because the first child exists; they will grow up differently, because during the first few years of the first child’s life, they were the center of attention. For the second child, their lives will be shared with their older and possibly younger siblings.

But this has nothing to do with love. You can love your second child just as much as your first. Time is not equivalent to love.

12

I agree that love towards family isn’t limited at all. I can understand the concept of mother instinct worrying about how they could possible love someone as much as the love their first, but I don’t think it’s…valid.
I have no children, but I never worried about if I could love my children equally. I know I would.

Now getting along? That’s a different story. It’s just like with siblings, I love my siblings equally, but I don’t always get along with them. My youngest brother was almost always my favourite to spend time with.
In my family it was:
Mother favoured my first brother, the middle child.
Father favoured me, the only girl and the eldest.
I favoured my second brother, the youngest.

Everyone got some form of special attention when we were younger, now things are shifting again, but so are my family dynamics.

I love that line someone wrote “[name]Love[/name] doesn’t divide, it multiples.” It makes perfect sense.

13

[name]Even[/name] when I was ttc my second, I would get teary thinking about DD1 not being my little baby anymore, and sharing my love with another child. The feeling is valid, and very real. The thought still gets me emotional in subsequent pregnancies, though I know with a full heart that a mother’s love was created to expand to the degree that her family does. Each child holds a special place in my heart, but yes, of course there are always unique feelings for the first one, since experiencing her was so new and eye opening, and completely focused on her.

14

I have no children, but I can’t imagine having more love for one over another. This mother in the article is ridiculous. Especially leaving her son in the special care unit. I feel terrible for the other children. Already divorced parent, and there mom always chooses their sister over them. I suspect a TON of sibling rivalry in that house and a lot of hate towards [name]Eden[/name] from her siblings.

15

I think it’s just one of those beautiful unexplainable mysteries that God gives to Mothers (parents). I can’t explain how it works. Yes, it is a fear, but it goes straight away. No matter how different they are, I know and feel the same amount of love for each of my children.

16

Gosh, what a horrid parent. It’s not even the fact she has a favourite, I’m sure she’s not alone. It’s the fact she’s allowing it to be broadcasted to the world, boasting about it on the Internet. That article will be around for a long time; imagine her other kids reading this as teenagers/adults, or their friends finding it first? That is a [name]Jeremy[/name] [name]Kyle[/name] situation just waiting to happen.
[name]Even[/name] poor [name]Eden[/name]… knowing she’s the favourite by such a large margin will be horrible for her as she gets older, her mum even admits it’s causing issues already.

I have no children, but I know that I will by all means necessary at some point in my life. [name]Even[/name] so this is coming from a particularly unreliable source - but I’ve always had it in my head that it must be difficult to go from 1 to 2 children. I guess for the reasons that you pointed out.

Now if you don’t mind, I’ll leave to read the related stories: ‘‘Pregnant woman lets stranger choose her baby’s name for £3000’’?!

17

I can’t really comment because I don’t have children.

But who would actually admit something like this to a newspaper? I love her comment: “I have done everything I can until now to hide it from my other children.” Umm…Somehow I think they might find out.

18

I don’t get the whole “let’s admit it to the world even though I am ashamed of it and know it will do irreversible damage to all of my children” thing. [name]Even[/name] if this is honestly how you feel, you still don’t go out and put it in writing for everyone in the world to see! That’s just all kinds of messed up.

19

That newspaper is known for being sensationalist, but even still, I was shocked by that article. Her poor baby boy, all alone in the SC unit.

I think that this is something some parents really do struggle with, and I doubt its something any rational parent would want to publicise. I know of one mum [name]IRL[/name] who struggled to bond with her DD (she had a very complicated birth, lots of intervention etc) because she had post natal depression. She unintentionally favoured her son. Her daughter was well looked after, fed, clothed, and healthy. She spent time equally between them and she seriously struggled with feelings of guilt over her difficulty bonding with her DD. Seeing an article like that makes what my friend went through into a mockery…Its almost as though that lady sold her story for attention.

I can’t imagine how her kids feel.

I totally agree with the liking thing. I went through a bit of a wild patch when I was 16 or so, and I remember getting into big trouble with my parents over something (bad) I had done. They were so disappointed in me that I cried for about 2 hours straight, and I’ll never forget my mum saying to me “We’re just very disappointed and upset. We still love you unconditionally, we just don’t like you very much at the moment”. I can totally see what she meant by that now. I think its something that happens in every kind of relationship. I love my DH, but I don’t like him very much when he leaves wet towels on the floor :wink:

20

Is this a UK publication? Like one of our (US) tabloids?