Meddling MIL

This might be a little long, but bear with me…
Our 4 y/o is named [name_f]Emily[/name_f] [name_f]Katherine[/name_f] and my husband and I picked the name [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] for our second little girl due in [name_u]June[/name_u]. We love it, don’t mind the popularity, and we think it goes nicely with [name_f]Emily[/name_f]. Our immediate family has affectionately called our first daughter [name_f]Emmy[/name_f]-[name_f]Kate[/name_f] since she was a baby and we love the idea of [name_f]Amy[/name_f]-[name_f]Jane[/name_f] as a personal family nickname for baby #2.

The problem.
[name_f]Emily[/name_f] was named after my grandmother and great-aunt ([name_f]Emma[/name_f] and [name_f]Catherine[/name_f]) which was intentional to an extent (we loved the names and it also honored them - we would not have chosen names we hated just to honor them). Now for baby #2, [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is my other grandmother’s name as well as my middle name. My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] has an issue with this and is deeply offended that we have not chosen to honor her in any way. Her name is [name_f]Patricia[/name_f] [name_f]Michelle[/name_f] and we have told her time and time again that if we ever have a boy we would be happy to use either [name_m]Patrick[/name_m] or [name_u]Michael[/name_u] (also my husband’s name) to honor her. That does not satisfy her and the root of her problem is jealousy that we have not honored “her side of the family” because she doesn’t even care if it’s her but at least “someone from her side.”

This does not bother my husband in the slightest and as he likes to say “we’ve only had one kid!” I feel like I should use my husband’s grandmother’s name or one of his aunt’s names to appease her just so it isn’t a constant point of contention but that leaves us with [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Shirley[/name_f], [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Debra[/name_f], or [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Brenda[/name_f]. I don’t love or even like any of those and it leaves us with no sweet nickname like [name_f]Amy[/name_f]-[name_f]Jane[/name_f]. My husband’s name is [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_u]Ryan[/name_u], so we could also do [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_u]Ryan[/name_u]?

What should I do? Normally I wouldn’t take to the internet in search of advice for something like this but I am at my wits end. She is actually offended and we are quite stuck. It reminds me of my friend who had a twin with a beautiful name and my friend was named [name_f]Bertha[/name_f] [name_u]Lynn[/name_u] (nickname [name_f]Beth[/name_f]) because her grandmother wanted a namesake! I don’t want that for my daughter but I also don’t want my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] to constantly point out that she isn’t named after her in any way and always pull a guilt trip. Ugh!

If it doesn’t bother your husband, I wouldn’t worry about it. You and your husband are the only people who need to agree on your baby’s name. [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is lovely and goes beautifully with your other daughter’s name. Perhaps you could ask your husband to speak to his mother and put a stop to any further discussion about it? Good luck!

I’ve been in that situation.
My daughter was going to be named [name_f]Arabia[/name_f] [name_f]Mae[/name_f], my dream name throughout all my life. But my boyfriend’s aunt passed away just a month and a half before my daughter was born. His aunt’s name was [name_f]Giovanna[/name_f] [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] and my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] insisted that the next child in line to be born (mine!) should wear that name! I was so pressured that I decided to name my daughter [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] [name_f]Mae[/name_f]. I didn’t like it much at the beginning but now it has grown into her.
I have been very disappointed not to use my favourite name because of family pressure and I don’t recommend it to anyone.
Right now I do love my daughers name but I still want to use the other name. I hope I have another daughter in the future just to use it.
I think you should use the name you really love. This disappointment thing with your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] will just get forgotten as soon as the baby is born. And I have to say that your choice is the most beautiful sounding among the options!

While I love both [name_f]Emily[/name_f] [name_f]Katherine[/name_f] and [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f], [name_f]Emily[/name_f] and [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] are two forms of the same name to me and much too similar to be siblings.

That being said, if you love them and that doesn’t bother you use them! I wouldn’t feel a need to name them after your husband’s family. I think names in honor of someone should only be done if its someone you feel/felt really close to and feel like you want to honor. If your husband doesn’t feel that way about someone, there is no need to honor anyone.
Of course, family names can also be used just because you love the name regardless of your relationship to the person, but that doesn’t really seem to be naming in honor of them. [name_m]Just[/name_m] coincidentally having the same name.

If you feel like you must use one of the names, maybe you could choose something similar/inspired by one of the names rather than the name itself as you did with [name_f]Emma[/name_f] - [name_f]Emily[/name_f].

[name_f]Brenda[/name_f] - [name_u]Bryn[/name_u], [name_f]Brenna[/name_f], [name_f]Briana[/name_f], [name_f]Brianne[/name_f], [name_f]Briar[/name_f]
[name_f]Shirley[/name_f] - [name_f]Charlize[/name_f], [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f], [name_u]Charly[/name_u]
[name_f]Debra[/name_f] - [name_u]Darby[/name_u], [name_f]Devorah[/name_f], [name_f]Daria[/name_f]
[name_f]Patricia[/name_f] - [name_f]Tricia[/name_f], [name_f]Petra[/name_f], [name_f]Pietra[/name_f], [name_f]Trista[/name_f],
[name_f]Michelle[/name_f] - [name_u]Mika[/name_u], [name_u]Mischa[/name_u]

The main problem with the names on your husband’s side of the family is that they aren’t classics, nor are they vintage names making a comeback - they’re just dated. :frowning:

Would it be possible to use your [name_f]MIL[/name_f]'s birth month, birthstone, or favorite color or flower to honor her?

I’m glad that your husband isn’t too bothered by his mother’s offense - if he’s not giving into it, neither should you, use a name you love!

I wouldn’t use [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] with [name_f]Emily[/name_f] since they are practically the same name…

I have a friend who was basically bullied into giving her first daughter her mother’s name, and she has regretted it ever since. You have to choose a name that you actually want to call your child, and frankly, an adult having a temper tantrum about not having a baby named after them is pretty immature and silly.

If I were in here shoes, I would have my husband tell her (since she’s his mom), that all of your children are getting a name from her side of the family–their surname!–and if that’s not enough for her she should keep her negative thoughts to herself.

I really don’t feel that you should be bothered by it, especially if your husband isn’t.

If you do want to make a change, how about [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Michelle[/name_f] nn [name_f]Mimi[/name_f]? I think that’s just as cute as [name_f]Emmy[/name_f]-[name_f]Kate[/name_f], and actually I think that [name_f]Emmy[/name_f] and [name_f]Amy[/name_f] might be a bit too close - even with [name_f]Kate[/name_f] and [name_f]Jane[/name_f] at the end. I you really love the possibility of doubles, [name_f]Amy[/name_f]-[name_f]Chelle[/name_f] could also work?

Again though, I don’t think you should let it bother you. [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is lovely.

I’m not sure if this would appease her, but a very cute nickname of [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] is [name_f]Milly[/name_f], which could also be considered a nickname of [name_f]Michelle[/name_f]. You could go with [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] and call her [name_f]Milly[/name_f] or [name_f]Milly[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] and say that the nickname [name_f]Milly[/name_f] is honoring her. Its a stretch though.
Have you looked up your family history much? If you search back a few more generations you may find a name you like more from your husbands side, or you might find a [name_f]Jane[/name_f] (there are at least 20 [name_f]Jane[/name_f]'s in my family tree, it was a very popular name).

We’re in a slightly similar situation - my soon to be [name_f]MIL[/name_f] is insistent that a baby be named after her father (Jewish tradition is to use the first initial of a departed relative - which is normally a blessing but in this case more of a curse. Her father’s name was [name_m]Benjamin[/name_m], which is pretty much the only good B name male or female!)

In laws can be difficult to deal with. Is your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] the type who will get over it? If not, it might be best to find something you can both live with, simply because sometimes it’s easier to keep the peace then deal with a headache for the rest of her life. (Given that she’s making this an issue, I’m going to guess she 's the type to bring grudges up all the time.)

[name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is beautiful. As someone pointed out, the problem with the names you’ve listed honoring their side of the family are that they’re outdated - not old enough to be vintage yet, but not trendy either. What are your husband’s grandmothers and fathers name? (For example, if one is named [name_m]George[/name_m], [name_f]Georgia[/name_f] could be a compromise. Might be better to look at the male side then use a name on the female side that you really don’t like!)

I like the names you have chosen! Also appreciated the poster who stated that your children have their surname from your husbands side! Try out [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Michelle[/name_f] “[name_f]Amy[/name_f]-[name_f]Chelle[/name_f]”! You can always tell her that you will name your 5th girl her name or derivation of it! That is how I shut my Grandma up! She was speechless that I would have that many kids! Of course I stopped at 2!

Wow thank you all for your replies!! I wasn’t asking for opinions of [name_f]Emily[/name_f] and [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] because that has already been decided and they are two different names and aren’t said all that similarly (where we live in [name_m]AL[/name_m] it’s said emma-lee and uh-meal-ee-uh). I hadn’t thought of possibly wading through the men’s names and finding inspiration there. His father is not in his life, but his grandfather is [name_m]Richard[/name_m], his uncle is [name_m]Todd[/name_m] and his brother is [name_m]Daniel[/name_m]. Maybe [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Danielle[/name_f]? I can’t think of any girl versions of [name_m]Richard[/name_m] or [name_m]Todd[/name_m].

I also think [name_f]Emily[/name_f] and [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] are too similar for siblings, but if it doesn’t bother you then go for it!
As far as honouring family what if you combined [name_m]Richard[/name_m] and [name_f]Michelle[/name_f] and named her [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Richelle[/name_f]?
I personally think [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is still the best and she will eventually get over it! Especially if you plan on having a third eventually. Good luck!

The only opinions that matter for your child’s name are you and your husband.

You owe this woman nothing. Seriously. Nothing. And that seems to be the root of the issue here: she feels owed. She feels entitled. And she is in the wrong.

I see this as less a naming issue and more a matter of family politics. If you give your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] her way about this, where will it end? In what other ways will she feel justified in trying to control your family?

The bottom line: unless someone wants to name their child something actively offensive, meddling in someone else’s name choices is never okay. Demanding that a child be named after you or your relatives is just bananacakes. Your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] is being a narcissistic twit. To reiterate: you owe her nothing.

My suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] and have a serious conversation. This is your baby to name, not hers. Your daughter already has a name. Your future son (if you have a son) will be named in her honor. That’s it. The end. If she has anything else to say about the matter, she can start a diary.

YES YES YES. If anything, [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] “[name_f]Millie[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f]” or [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Michelle[/name_f] “[name_f]Mimi[/name_f]” both equally honor [name_f]Michelle[/name_f]. [name_f]Millie[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is darling too!!! If you’re willing to change at all I go with the nickname, because in the future she might want to go by [name_f]Amelia[/name_f], [name_f]Janey[/name_f], etc. and you still get your original name you picked out.

[name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Danielle[/name_f] would be pretty.
[name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Rachel[/name_f] could honor [name_m]Richard[/name_m]…[name_f]Amy[/name_f]-[name_u]Ray[/name_u] could be her nickname.

I still think [name_f]Amelia[/name_f] [name_f]Jane[/name_f] is beautiful, but only you and your husband know if it’s worth sticking to your guns on. Close family can be difficult to deal with!

This is an easy one. [name_m]Just[/name_m] ignore your [name_f]MIL[/name_f]. The names you have chosen are great, and you don’t owe it to anyone in particular to give your child a certain name to honor them. [name_f]MIL[/name_f] will get over it (or she will sulk forever) but either way, don’t be guilt-tripped into naming your own child something you don’t love.

LOL! Awesome response.

I agree with everyone else that this is a decision for you and your husband. Your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] will deal with it.