Middle Name for Hayes

So, my husband and I finally agreed on [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] as the first name for [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Boy #3. At first (and for a quite a while) it just wasn’t doing it for him, but he said it’s been on my list so long that it grew on him. The only other name we could agree on had been on my list for our older two boys, and I felt hesitant to “settle” on it (and it felt like settling because we hadn’t used it either other time, so do we really love it that much?)
Anyway, that backstory because we need help coming up with a middle name. My husband says he’s totally on board with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], but I feel like the first name is one I chose/decided and so I want us to both be happy with the full name. The middle name will be a family name or have some significant meaning, so I’m not necessarily looking for suggestions of similar names or names that would work with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m]…[name_m]Just[/name_m] looking for feedback on some of our combos.

We have a 9 letter last name that starts with T.

[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Earl[/name_m]–[name_m]Earl[/name_m] is my husband’s deceased grandfather’s middle name. I don’t hate [name_m]Earl[/name_m], but I don’t love it. I think it sounds okay together. Neither of us prefer grandpa’s first name over [name_m]Earl[/name_m]. Husband was not necessarily super close to this grandpa, but I would be ok with honoring him.
[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m]–[name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] is my maiden name, so I like this connection. I will not use it as a first name, as I don’t like the nicknames for it. I think my family would be really happy if we used it, but they’re not necessarily “expecting” it. I feel a little guilty pushing for this, as it would be my choice for the first name and honoring my family in the middle spot. Another thing that keeps me from pushing for it is I’m fairly certain we’ll have at least one more baby. It it’s a boy, I could use it then. If we would have a girl, I definitely have some middle/honor names in mind that I would push for. [name_m]Will[/name_m] I be sad if we don’t ever use it since it’s the only surname in either of our families that could be used, even in the middle spot? Maybe.
[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Luther[/name_m]–[name_m]Luther[/name_m] is not a family member’s name, but does hold significance as it is the name of a small college that many, many members of my husband’s family attended.
[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_u]Leland[/name_u]–Husband and his dad and brothers all have the middle name “[name_u]Lee[/name_u]” which just sounds ridiculous with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m]…it runs together to sound like Haizley (a made-up name of a child I know). I thought [name_u]Leland[/name_u] could be an option to sort of use [name_u]Lee[/name_u]. Husband knows someone through work named [name_u]Leland[/name_u] so he has a hard time letting that go and using it on a child.

I like all of these options!

[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_u]Leland[/name_u], [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Luther[/name_m] and [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] are tied for my favourites. I like how substantial and classic these all feel. I think [name_m]Luther[/name_m] is lovely and honors your husbands side without being a name he has an issue with- so maybe I’m leaning towards that.

I have a bit of a hard time with the flow of [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Earl[/name_m], they kind of run together when I say them.

I’d like to suggest the [name_u]Lee[/name_u]-derived option [name_m]Leander[/name_m]!

I definitely prefer [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m]! It’s less stuffy than other names you listed.

[name_f]Luna[/name_f]

[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] has an alliteration there that may lose a little of the charm that comes with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] independently. It would sound like “hey [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m]” to most, unless you clearly enunciated and fully finished the entirety of a Z sound after [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] before switching to an S for [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m]… which then makes it sound like hayz-uh. It also seems long with a nine letter last name. That would be my only issue with it.

However.

I would absolutely not feel bad using your maiden name as another “you” pick, especially since your DH is “totally on-board” with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m]. If he was unhappy with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], or if he was basically begrudgingly dragged into [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], I could maybe understand if you picking the first and middle would seem a little, I don’t know… name controlling?

But, think of it this way: traditionally, the baby will by default have your husband’s surname (if you’re doing it that way). That doesn’t necessarily give you more of a say in picking the remaining two names, but perhaps it does afford a little more leeway to not feel guilty if the chosen names end up being more from your suggestions than his… especially if one of those names is your maiden name. Either way, I definitely don’t think you need to justify picking [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] by giving your son another name that honors his paternal side if it’s important to you to honor your baby’s maternal side (your side). [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] is a really cool last name, by the way, and would make a perfectly fine middle.

Also, some times names that aren’t right for one kid become right for another. An example would be [name_f]Kourtney[/name_f] K. naming her eldest [name_u]Mason[/name_u]. She considered [name_u]Reign[/name_u], but it lost out in the end. Yet, her youngest’s name is now [name_u]Reign[/name_u], because it grew on her / felt right for that kid. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t judge me for knowing that, lol. So don’t worry about [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] being a “losing” name for your other kids. Sometimes you need time to really grow to love a name! It doesn’t make it any worse than a “love at first sight” name.

With all that said, my motto is that it really doesn’t matter how equal the choosing is so long as both of you are happy. Trying to make everything “even” is a recipe for stress and hurt feelings in relationships in my experience.

Moving on… I think [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Luther[/name_m] is the best combination you listed. It sounds best with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], and while its meaning doesn’t appear as strongly linked, I think it’s a great combo.

I would say from your post that it seems you may not have found “the” middle name yet. Perhaps you both should keep looking, especially your husband. Has he suggested any names? How does he feel about Sebastian, especially as it pertains to honoring your side of the family? It seems you’re stressed about how much he may be participating in the process. Whether or not that’s true, perhaps asking him to take a half hour or so and come up with a list could be helpful! You may also want to think on some other names that would honor your side of the family that he might also like.

Great advice from bassilly!

I do agree with the “Hey, [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m]” issue but if it was my maiden name and possibly only chance to use it, I doubt I’d let that stop me.

I would nix [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_u]Leland[/name_u]. It feels like really reaching for that family connection not to mention your husband already is reluctant.

[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Earl[/name_m] - it seems like a fairly lukewarm sentiment on honoring this relative. (?) Go for something you love after someone you love, preferably! I know, easier said than done. I may have misread you on that - if you still feel like you should consider this one, perhaps consider [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Erling[/name_m]. ([name_m]Earl[/name_m] meaning nobleman, [name_m]Erling[/name_m] is “descendant of the nobleman”). It kind of grew on me…similar to [name_u]Sterling[/name_u] which is the same style as [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], I think, and a little more interesting than [name_m]Earl[/name_m].

[name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Luther[/name_m] - I like. Good combo. Is the sentiment behind it enough, sounds like you’re still unsure. But this would be my choice just based on names alone.

Lots of -ley names you could explore for honoring [name_u]Lee[/name_u] (“woodland clearing”) such as [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_u]Langley[/name_u] or [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Westley[/name_m], etc.

Good luck as you continue the process! And congratulations on [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Boy 3!

I love [name_m]Hayes[/name_m]! I think [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] [name_u]Lee[/name_u] is very handsome and it honours both families.

Thanks everyone for the responses. It’s given me some things to think about. I’ve never thought of using two middle names, just because our other boys and everyone in our families just has one. My husband has never been overly involved in making lists, trying out different name combinations, etc but ends up being “picky” about names on my lists. With our first son we had a name decided before we were married. With the second, it took a bit more list-making on my part, and discussion between the two of us. This time, I felt like I was either settling or pushing my husband for a name to get “my way” both of which made me feel guilty. I do feel that whichever combo we choose will end up “fitting” just as our other two boys have names perfect for them and we can’t imagine naming them anything else.
Interesting info I did not know about [name_f]Kourtney[/name_f] K’s children’s names, @bassilly. lol!
I guess [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] does sort of run together…[name_f]Every[/name_f] time I’ve said it in my head or out loud I enunciate…sort of like I would when my boys are in trouble, lol. I imagine the full name being said somewhere like high school graduation where each name would be defined, whereas I imagine as [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] grows up friends/teammates might get lazy with a name and run it together but would not probably call him by his full name. If [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] was our last name I would have more of an issue with it. (My first son’s first name is 8 letters long, so even though our last name is long I don’t necessarily let length or syllables bother me unless there is a repetitive sound–for example, our last name ends in -son, so I felt [name_m]Nelson[/name_m] as a first name was too redundant with the first name and last name having the same ending).
We have talked about the fact that the boys all have my husband’s last name, so even if we didn’t honor his grandpa with the middle name [name_m]Earl[/name_m], they’re connected by his last name in the end. I do have sort of lukewarm feelings on that combo, not because of a dislike for grandpa, but because I sort of feel like, “well, he’s no longer with us, we should honor him” even though he passed before my first son was born and we didn’t feel it was important to honor him with the older two boys’ names. I also just don’t get the impression it’s super important to my husband, as it’s not like they spent a lot of time together sharing a hobby, etc. Whereas if we were having a girl I would really push to honor my paternal grandmother as we spent a LOT of time together when I was growing up and it would be really important to me to use her name in the middle spot.
It may seem like I also have lukewarm feelings towards [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Luther[/name_m] as well, but I do like that connection even though it doesn’t seem as strong. I like that we could honor many members of my husband’s family or at least pay tribute to something important to so many people by using it since he, his brothers, both his parents, the previously mentioned grandpa, as well as cousins, aunts/uncles, etc all attended [name_m]Luther[/name_m] College (probably ten people or more in his extended family).

It’s true that I haven’t fallen in love with any middle names immediately so it seems like we haven’t found “the one”, but I feel we’re running out of options for names. My brother, dad, and paternal grandfather share the same middle name, which we used for our first son–[name_m]John[/name_m]. I wouldn’t use any of their first names in the middle spot. As I said, my husband, his dad, and brothers all share the same middle name, [name_u]Lee[/name_u], which we’re not using alone. He did just say to me he always thought he would want to use it, but now doesn’t have strong feelings on it so we probably don’t need to continue to look for a connection to that. My maiden name is the only surname in the family trees that could be used as an actual name. There aren’t any masculine forms of feminine names that we could use (except for [name_u]Jude[/name_u] for Grandma [name_f]Judy[/name_f], but we’re not doing [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_u]Jude[/name_u], lol!:lol:) Again, we’re not really into choosing a first name for the middle spot, the names of our brothers and fathers are not old or classic…our other boys have the middle names [name_m]John[/name_m] and [name_u]Dean[/name_u] so using a name like [name_m]Brody[/name_m] or [name_m]Justin[/name_m] (not their actual names) is awkward to me. I feel as if we search back too far in the family tree then we’re really stretching, and is it really important to honor that person? I.e. my maternal grandfather’s name was [name_u]Roy[/name_u]. He passed before I was born. I was even less close to him than my husband was to his grandpa, obviously. I don’t love the name [name_u]Roy[/name_u], and although my mom was very close to her dad, do I feel like I need to use the name? No. I feel like going beyond that to great grandparents and even further back is just looking for a name to use, not necessarily a strong connection.
Although, I will say, when other people find a really cool or interesting name in their family tree it is kind of cool to bring it back and use it for a baby. I just feel like if we don’t have strong feelings about names that are “closer” to us, and people we actually grew up with will a strong connection be found if we go back into further generations?
It still is important to me to have a family connection since the other two boys do. I don’t just want to pick another name that we like–which would probably be just as hard! Sorry for the long ramble! I just wanted to explain some things further, if any of it makes sense. My husband knows I’m a name nerd, and I think he knows the name is important to me so I’m struggling between choosing what I like and being too “name-controlling”, even though (or especially?) since he doesn’t have strong feelings about the middle name spot, it’s making it hard.

This time, I felt like I was either settling or pushing my husband for a name to get “my way” both of which made me feel guilty.

[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t feel guilty! He is a grown human, and I assume would communicate to you if that was bothering him. But you said he felt totally on-board with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], which sounds to me like he isn’t holding any resentment. I think you could resolve this guilt with a simple “are you sure you’re okay with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m], because I feel like I pushed it on you” to him. Then you gotta believe what he says, because it’s his job to tell you how he feels.

This might be an oversimplification of the issue, but if he says he doesn’t have strong feelings, then there’s no need to worry about what he’s thinking. Because he already made it clear what he’s thinking: he doesn’t have strong feelings. It seems like you’re stressing yourself out with an anticipation of how he’s going to feel about you picking the names, but so far there seems to be no evidence that he actually feels that way! So either you’re not telling us everything, you have reason not to believe him, haha, or maybe you’re actually stressed about something else: your ability to pick good names, or perhaps frustrated/worried/sad that he isn’t as into the process as you would like him to be.

It’s true that I haven’t fallen in love with any middle names immediately so it seems like we haven’t found “the one”, but I feel we’re running out of options for names.

Let me ask… do you feel unsure about [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] because you actually are on the fence about how good of a name it is, or how well it fits with [name_m]Hayes[/name_m]… or is it because you’re unsure about being the one to pick it, or how your husband feels? If it’s the former, perhaps you should keep looking. There are lots of ways to honor family without using names. Birth months, birth stones, a favorite thing, hobby, game, etc. Perhaps somebody’s favorite vacation spot. You can find inspiration in more than just what they were named by delving into who they actually were as a person.

If it’s the latter, I think [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] is the right name for your son. And since your husband doesn’t have strong feelings, I would say to him “I’ve been thinking [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m], do you like or dislike that?” and if he says something positive or neutral, say “ok, well let me know if that changes, but I think this may be the name.” And let it be that. Period. No more worrying!

And if he says something negative, push for him to come up with some names himself, maybe reminding him gently that you would like for the baby to be named by both his parents, and not just you. That is a totally reasonable request. :slight_smile: There are tens of thousands of boy names out there, there is certainly at least one that you both will be happy with. If you feel like you don’t like any of each other’s choices, you just have to keep looking. There are databases of names. [name_m]Just[/name_m] looking at them might spark some recollection of a family connection. But, honestly, I think [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] is the perfect fit.

Whatever happens, feel confident! [name_f]Remember[/name_f] that this is about your baby! And if it ends up just being you that picks the names, don’t worry too much about it. It happens every day. But you have to be honest with your husband if it’s upsetting you.

I like [name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] because it’ll mostly be read and written more than said out loud, so for me, it’s the meaning that’s most important. Here, where the child is getting the father’s last name, it’s so nice to have a connection to the mother! If the flow is concerning, would [name_m]Bastian[/name_m] work as an honouring ([name_m]Hayes[/name_m] [name_m]Bastian[/name_m])? (Try not to feel bad/guilty/apologetic - easy to do when you’re a woman and when you’re a pregnant woman. [name_m]Just[/name_m] have a quick chat and play it from there if you need to. You’re doing far more to make the baby, keep in mind and I doubt he feels plagued with guilt about that, though you shouldn’t bring that point into the conversation! ;))