A section where mums/mom’s can discuss issues/experiences relating to fertility, childbirth and parenthood.
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I don’t quite understand what this thread is for… [name_m]Just[/name_m] anything to do with parenthood?
I believe some ( including myself) wanted to see the mom/mumsberries thread revived. I’ve done that, just within the parentberries category. So it’s essentially a thread within a category.
In the same way the LGBT communities have their own threads under categories.
Hopefully that all makes sense.
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It makes sense, and it’s a great idea!
@Perpetua perfect, so you can ask all your questions here without feeling shy 
How is your little [name_u]Léo[/name_u] doing now?
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Yes please feel welcome and encouraged to post. This is what the thread is for 
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I just wanted to share that I wish people would talk more about mental health and being a parent. I have four healthy children, the twins are now 3,5 months old and doing good despite being born so early. In many ways I’m very lucky, but I’m struggling. And that’s not something people want to hear.
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So I had postnatal depression with my first and pre natal depression is something I had with my second. So I’ve experienced depression either side of pregnancy. And when you experience depression whilst pregnant or after the birth of your baby it very much amplifies the feeling of overall guilt I think.
I cannot believe the twins are that old already. Having 4 children I can imagine is very overwhelming regardless.
Sorry to hear you are struggling.
[name_f]My[/name_f] two are quite demanding at the moment. I enjoy the time that they are in school because I get a break.
[name_m]Can[/name_m] you talk to your doctor at all?
I recently weaned myself of a mild dose of anti-depressant. As I am TTC our third from [name_f]May[/name_f] and I didn’t want to be on antidepressant. I have a feeling I’ll need to go back on one eventually though.
Is antidepressants something you would ever consider?
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Thank you for sharing that.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, but wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my twenties. I’ve taken antidepressants in the past, but stopped taking them when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest (the pregnancy wasn’t planned). I haven’t taken them since, but I have been on anxiety meds on and off. I try to avoid taking the anxiety medication because it’s so difficult to get off them again, but I now know there are times when I just need them to function and I’m okay with that.
When I was pregnant with my second I had prenatal depression (and a lot of anxiety). I was terrified I would experience it again while I was pregnant with the twins, but during my pregnancy I felt alright. It’s only since a month or so that I’m starting to feel I can’t cope. There are also some things going on in my life, most of them concerning my twin brother, that put a lot of extra pressure on me. And the whole COVID situation isn’t helping, it’s giving me so much anxiety and because of the semi-lockdown there’s not a lot I can do to take my mind off things. It’s also narrowed down my support network. My father hasn’t been able to travel to our country since a year ago, I can’t see my friends or any other family…
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Really sorry to hear you are going through this. So I think becoming a mum can be incredibly self isolating. And lockdown is the worse for stay at home mums as literally we are just prisoners in our own home but this time it’s with a baby/babies which can feel lonely!
On the days that I was feeling low, I reminded myself with this quote ‘bad day, doesn’t equal bad life’ and it really changed my perspective on motherhood and about life in general.
I am 33 next week and it’s taken me this long to get a grasp and control of my feelings, which are mostly OCD in nature.
I try very hard not to get into a self sabotage mindset. Things I like to do is play my favourite music, go out for walks.
I also don’t think we should deny our feelings of negativity. We should embrace how we feel but not let it overpower us. I think the moment it overpowers us is the moment we can say we are depressed.
I hope you start to feel better soon. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you feel like babies get easier as they get older? I found when my boys hit 6 months and slept better and not as needy it got easier.
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What makes it even more frustrating for me personally is that I’m a psychologist myself. I know how it all works in theory and my job is telling other people how to manage negative feelings, but doing it myself is so much harder. It does help me to have that insight in human psychology and I know many ways of coping with it, but finding something that works for me is difficult sometimes. Knowing something and being able to do implement it in your own life are two different things.
I do find it gets easier as they get older. But my second, [name_m]Barnabas[/name_m], is only 18 months old (well, almost) and I know we made the choice to have our second and third close together. What we didn’t know, however, is that we would have twins and that they would be born almost two months before their due date, which doesn’t make it any easier. Also, our little [name_m]Leonid[/name_m] is making good progress with the feeding and sleeping, but feeding [name_m]Endymion[/name_m] is still a struggle (most of the time) and he wakes up more often during the night.
Anyway, I don’t want to complain the entire time… I have four beautiful healthy boys, my SO is absolutely amazing with everything that needs to be done, my ex-husband (Hjörtur’s dad) is always prepared to pick up Hjörtur to do things together when it gets overwhelming for him at home (he’s a very sensitive child and doesn’t deal well with chaos) and my twin brother helps out whenever he can, so I know I’m incredibly lucky in many ways.
That’s so cool you are a psychologist! I totally understand where you are coming from with everything you have said. Sometimes we have this idea of trying to alleviate those feelings but putting it into practice is a whole different story hah. [name_f]My[/name_f] eldest is sensitive too. He actually has mild sensory processing disorder and is incredibly intelligent. There is a disposition to it in our family as his uncle has that too. Although as he got older it wasn’t as intense. Now he is just a bit of a rebel lol. As Z gets older he is learning to cope with things better but as a child it was quite overwhelming for both of us. That is great that your ex partner can be an added support there too. Also it’s so refreshing to hear that your partner helps out. I do hear the narrative that men just don’t help out a lot of the time lol 
Was there a certain element of not being surprised that you had twins, given that you are a twin yourself though?
I can understand how scary it must have been to have them early too.
[name_f]My[/name_f] sister has twins but I think that’s because she hyper ovulated. They are B/G twins.
Upon research into my family tree there happens to be two sets of twins on the maternal side. And my cousin sadly lost twins last year so I don’t know if that’s a twin gene or what?
[name_f]My[/name_f] sister also had the twins early. 30 weeks and it was a panicky time and Isàac was quite poorly with lactose intolerance and not responding well to feeds.
A family of boys sounds so much fun. I think I am destined for 3 boys.
I think you are literally superwoman to have 4 and three children under 3 and I think this has got to be the most challenging time when they are this young. Well anecdotal for me, but that was the case for me. It certainly was much more challenging when they were little as opposed to now. Z is 6 and A is 4 in [name_u]July[/name_u]. From [name_u]September[/name_u] they will both be in school and I will hopefully be heavily pregnant by the time A starts. As I’m aiming for a third next Feb/start of [name_f]Spring[/name_f].
I think Hjörtur may have a sensory processing disorder too. He’s also very intelligent, he’s told us several times already that he finds preschool utterly boring and he doesn’t get along very well with children his own age because they are “too childish” (his own words). I recognize a lot of myself in him and it worries me sometimes.
I suppose I wasn’t completely surprised when I found out I was having twins because I’m a twin myself. If I remember correctly fraternal twins can “run in the family”, usually on the maternal side, but not identical twins. [name_m]Leonid[/name_m] and [name_m]Endymion[/name_m] aren’t identical, so I guess it’s partly a genetic thing.
I love my family of boys. If we ever have a fifth and it’s a girl it would change the dynamics of our family dramatically 
I hope you get to welcome your third baby next year. It must be exciting to start TTC again after several years.
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@Rosebeth I have bipolar disorder and even on medication, pregnancy is hard, and the first month post-partum the absolute worst. Then, while it does begin to ease for me, it is still overwhelming a lot of the time. [name_f]My[/name_f] schedule revolves around them, on good days and bad, and it can be so mentally draining. We have no friends or family where we live, my husband works a lot of hours, so it’s almost always just me with 3 children under 6 (and pregnant with our 4th). So there is never a break or a chance to get ahead with housework and the time I could use for myself is often spent too drained to do much or sleeping early, because pregnant. Which then I feel somewhat depressed for those reasons, that I never do anything for me. So it compounds. And on bad days I might lose a week or more to struggling to do the minimum, and then playing catch up. I say all this because it IS hard. I don’t like to complain, I feel so lucky to have them, and they have made my life so much better–just a lot more complicated too. I don’t have mom friends, so I don’t know how normal this is, and I don’t know enough from a mental health perspective either to know what is simply bipolar leftovers. I’m better on medication, much better, but never perfect. I think being aware of this is important. I wish it was more talked about too. Thank you for bringing it up and I wish you all the best.
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I’m sorry things are so hard for you. I hope things will get easier. I guess the “I don’t want to complain” thing is a mom-thing… We’re always afraid someone will think we’re not grateful for our children or we don’t love them enough. But being a parent is hard, and I feel like we shouldn’t be so ashamed to talk about it sometimes.
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Totally. A friend said I must be looking forward to having a newborn again and all those snuggles. I’m hoping it will be different this time around, but honestly my first thought was “hell no, I much prefer 2 yr olds!” (my daughter is 2 now).
Some love the newborn stage, but personally I found it SO hard. An underweight baby who wasn’t feeding properly, waking every 3 hours and struggling to get an hour’s sleep between feeding and pumping and sterilising and nappies, never being able to eat dinner warm or at the same time as my partner, struggling to shower or make myself a cup of tea without baby crying, and trying to also recover from birth and a 3rd degree tear.
Meanwhile one of our pet cats died from an asthma attack and 2 of our 4 pet chickens died from coccidiosis or red mite as we were still learning more about keeping poultry at the time. It was horrible knowing my much loved cat was dying and I might be able to save her if she wouldn’t damn well hide when she was feeling unwell, but how could I possibly search under all the neighbouring houses while caring for my newborn?
Honestly, for simply surviving with an 18 month old and baby twins you are doing an outstanding job. I didn’t feel ready to try for another at all until my daughter was 15-16 months. And doing it all with COVID at the same time… hell. I’m in NZ, so lucky with how we’ve managed to keep covid mostly at bay so far. You’re definitely not alone in struggling, not that kmowing you’re not alone actually makes day-to-day life easier!
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@Kiriko With my oldest two I liked the newborn stage. But they were both very calm babies, slept through the night pretty early on, they were feeding well etc. With the twins it’s completely different, because there’s two of them of course, but also because the feeding is still a problem and they keep each other awake sometimes, so it’s much more difficult and exhausting. Especially with an 18 month old demanding attention and a very sensitive almost 6 year old around who hates chaos.
I’m so sorry you had such a difficult time after your daughter was born. It does help me to know I’m not alone, not to get things done in my day-to-day lie, but still. I hope other mothers know too that they’re not alone.
@Perpetua that’s fine, I know babies don’t care about you wanting to reply on a NB message board I’m glad [name_u]Léo[/name_u] is doing good, despite the sleep regression. [name_f]My[/name_f] boys are doing okay, but feeding is still a problem for [name_m]Endymion[/name_m]. All in all they’re doing fine considering they were born at a little over 32 weeks.
I didn’t know that prenatal depression was a thing until reading this thread, and I don’t know why it wasn’t talked about during my last pregnancy (or any of my circles at any time). Thinking back a year ago, I wish I’d been more open about my feelings, rather than letting myself and everyone else chalk it up to the struggles of hyperemesis. It’s something I’m consciously trying to work on now, after struggling quite a lot postpartum after [name_u]Beckett[/name_u]’s birth.
We used to talk about having a big family, but this whole experience has really changed my mind. I don’t want to go through this again… and sometimes that comes with some guilt.
Many positive and strong vibes to all of the Mamas in this thread. You’re all inspiring.
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@Hollyrow I’m sorry things were hard for you. It’s difficult to be open about your feelings when everyone around you seems to downplay it. Knowing what’s best for you and your family isn’t easy, but if you decide you don’t want to go through it again then that’s your choice to make. Giving up the dream you had of of big family can be hard. If you had a physical illness that prevented you from having more children, everyone would understand. When your mental health is involved it’s harder for people to grasp and accept, but your mental health is every bit as important as your physical health.
For all mothers here who have experienced mental health problems: I recommend [name_f]Laura[/name_f] Dockrill’s book What have I done? She had a postpartum psychosis after the birth of her son and wrote this book about it, and she stresses the importance of talking about mental health during pregnancy and parenthood.
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@Rosebeth that really hits the nail on the head - a physical limitation is something everyone so readily accepts. I’ve already been told more than once that I’ll change my mind, “it’s only been 9 months since he came out.” While this discounts the struggles we had during the 9 months previous to that, maybe they’re right and I will feel differently in another year.
But, I don’t think so. We’ve already talked about it (OH has been experiencing his own mental health struggles through this last year too - PPD in men isn’t something we’re open enough about either), and we’ve been feeling pretty good about moving forward with this family dynamic.
I just gave it a quick search, and I’m definitely going to look into that memoir.