I guess I just came here to vent and see if anyone out there might be feeling/has felt the same. I have four month old fraternal twin boys. I love them more than words can describe and I absolutely love being a mom. The thing is I just keep having this nagging longing for a daughter. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t get me wrong, I realize how lucky and blessed I am to have two healthy children. I know people that are struggling with infertility and I am very grateful for my babies. I wouldn’t change a thing about them or the fact that they came two at a time.
It has been a bit of a strange journey though. Throughout my pregnancy everyone was hoping we would have one of each, especially the grandparents since there are no granddaughters yet and my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] only had sons. [name_m]Even[/name_m] people I don’t know commented that they should be one of each. One of my husband’s aunts actually said it was a “shame” we didn’t have a boy and a girl and one of my coworkers went as far as to say “girls are better” after I announced they were both boys.
I guess all of the negative feeling comments got to me after a while and made me feel defensive. They are my first children and I just wanted to be happy.
I suppose what’s getting to me as well is that I only have a sister and I’ve always had a really close relationship with my mom. I’ve always imagined having that relationship with my own daughter. I don’t know quite how to go about it with a boy as he gets older. [name_m]Will[/name_m] they still want to talk to or hang out with their mom?
[name_f]Every[/name_f] time my husband makes a comment about working on the cars with the boys when they are older or something like that I’m happy for him but I also feel a bit sad because I feel like the older they get the more I will lose the relationship with them. My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] basically told me such as she has two boys. Wasn’t exactly encouraging. I do want to have another child but my husband is not as eager for that as I am. He always wanted boys anyway so he doesn’t feel he needs anything else of course.
I feel bad thinking that I do and I know that I can’t control the gender of my next child even if I were to have one.
Anyway, sorry for the looong rant. Anyone have a similar experience of being an all boy mom? [name_m]How[/name_m] has your relationship with your sons changed over time?
I’m sorry you feel that way. Whilst I’m not a mom I think there are a few things to think about -
[name_m]Just[/name_m] because you have boys doesn’t mean they won’t be close to you. There’s a good chance one or both will feel more at ease with you and even if they don’t they’ll still love you very much.
You still could end up with daughter. [name_m]Just[/name_m] because your children are cisgender now doesn’t mean they’ll always be.
Are you in the position to adopt? Because if you want more and you especially want that child to be a girl that could be your route. I’m 99% sure most agencies allow you to filter sex.
I have three girls and a boy, and honestly? I love ALL of my kids equally but the bond I have with my son is unique and so different to the relationship I have with my girls. My girls, (minus the youngest, as she’s only 1), are so independent and aren’t really snuggly, or as loving. Thee, however, is Mummy’s boy. He comes to me first, we snuggle more often, and he openly loves on me.
And I’m one of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) and we’re all close to our parents. Including my brothers. I think if you’re a good parent parent and shower your children in love, support and care, then their gender doesn’t matter when it comes to your relationship with them.
And relationships change with your children. That’s just a fact, as children get older and don’t need us the same as they do. We have children to one day set them free, let them grow, learn and create their own lives. Relationships with your children are bound to change and adjust, no matter their gender.
Thanks for the replies! You are both very right. I guess part of me knows these things but still just feels insecure for whatever reason, maybe it’s just hormones and I’ll get over it with time. It does help hearing other people’s experiences and thoughts in a positive light. They are the best thing that’s happened to me and I really just want to be the best mom I can to them.
I have two boys as well. With my first i was sooooo disappointed i’ve always wanted girls, though i did want a boy to be older to like “protect” his sister. I also hated that my husband kept saying his family don’t make girls which annoyed me. When i got pregnant with my second in my head i didn’t get my hopes up about it being a girl, i kept telling myself it’s a boy because i didn’t like how i felt with my first (even though i read its common to have gender disappointment) My husband was convinced this time it was a girl and i was right a boy and again i was a little disappointed but i wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel the same way that i may not have the connection like a daughter would but boys love to cuddle their mum way more than dad and they always come to me when they are hurt or sad. I know they’ll grow out of it one day but i hope they’ll come to me for advice they are older. I don’t know if we will have a third but i’ll be worried if it’s another boy lol i don’t think i could handle it!
@skeelar Thanks for your honesty. It helps to know that I’m not the only person to feel this way. Makes me feel less terrible for thinking it. lol We all love the children we have so much but sometimes you can’t help how you feel. In my case, I’m afraid I sound like a spoiled brat when I talk about wanting a daughter after just having two sons four months ago. We will see what the future holds but for now I’m planning to try to connect with my little boys in as many ways as possible so that maybe we’ll still have things to share when they are grown.
My husband was always convinced there was at least one boy in there too. lol And he was fine with two boys but got stressed thinking of the possibility of two girls. (which really annoyed me) I guess I can’t blame him for preferring one gender over the other though when I basically felt the same. He probably felt like he wouldn’t connect as well with a daughter, though he’s not completely against the idea now that he has sons.
[name_m]Ah[/name_m] well, here’s to being boy moms.
I have two boys and am expecting my third baby next spring, so I don’t know yet whether it’s another boy or not. I was so sure #2 was a girl and was floored when I found out I was having a second boy. They are extremely close though and only 18 months apart so have lots in common. My absolute ideal scenario was always boy, boy, girl, girl so I always tell myself I’m on track! We both really want a girl this time around and I’m very nervous, even though I love my boys and know this time will be no different, I just always thought I would have both. I was a very girly girl growing up: dresses and bows, Barbies, tea parties, the works–and I don’t know if my boys will want to play house with me, you know? It’s just a bit of a different dynamic and it’s more getting my head around it.
I think the way you’re feeling is probably normal. I know some mothers with boys who only wanted boys and are relieved. Everyone is different and everyone’s expectations are different. You can maybe have another baby at some point and roll the dice, or you can adopt and go the girl route, or you might find you come around. Either way be gentle with yourself. It doesn’t mean you love your boys less or wish they were different, it’s just dealing with what you thought would be and those expectations. Give yourself some time to process that.
@lilimorgana Thanks, I needed to hear all of that. I’m sure my boys will always be close as well and that makes me feel better. I was never really a girly-girl when I was younger (in fact, I wanted to be a boy from age 7-11 lol) but I shared so much with my mom as a teen and now that it just feels odd that I may not get to share the same things with my own daughter.
You’re right, it is just processing something different than what you pictured.
Your boys have great names btw and I hope you get your little girl this time!
I always thought I’d have girls, but I’ve got two boys! It took me a really long time to come to grips when I found out the first was a boy, but I had grown to really enjoy having a boy by the time I had a second one. When I found the second was a bit too, it only took me 20 seconds or so to feel relieved rather than disappointed. I was never a girlie girl and I’m so glad we’re not festooned with pinks and purples. (Though we do have pinks and purples for our sons to wear too!) And it just seemed simpler to keep the energy/vibe in the house the same. We may have a third in a few years and I’m pretty sure I won’t be disappointed either way!
@oftenoverseas I must say that it has been much more convenient to have twins of the same gender than it would have been if they were boy/girl. They share all their clothes so I can just grab whatever happens to be clean. lol I’m sure I’ll have my boys in pinks and purples at some point too. Why not? I’m fine with the blues, turquoise, and greens of boy world most of the time though. I did see this adorable little skirt at Target with Hogwarts castle on it that made me sad I have no one to give it to but I know that’s silly. I hope I can honestly say I’m fine with either one if/when I have another.
Congratulations, for your twins. Well, boys are really very sensitive and especially for mothers. They really love to spend more time with their mother. Yes, definitely dad helps him to learn new things or to be strong, but whenever they feel sad or ugly they just need a tight hug from his mother and all the worries will go. Girls are actually strong from their birth but boys are not and they need time to get stronger. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t be panic and just enjoy your motherhood with your kids. If your next child is the girl then it is good and if you really want a baby girl then just adopt a baby girl and complete your family and yourself.
If it helps any, while walking home from school today my 7 and 5 year old daughters jumped in the mud and ruined their school uniforms while I wasn’t looking. About 1 minute after I told them NOT to jump in the muddy puddles.
Meanwhile my 3 year old son has been an angel and helped me tidy the kitchen and the living room today without being asked because he “wanted to help Mummy”. <3
[name_m]Just[/name_m] wanted to join the thread and say that I understand some of the feeling. I’m expecting my second boy and might not have any more children after that. I somehow always thought I’d have a girl, and now I may not have any. We don’t do a lot of the gendered stuff, prefer unisex clothing, and our son is free to explore the whole range of arts, music, performance, science, sports. But I do see that he relates to his father in a different way than to me.
I think often, the father influences things like self-image of the child… while the mother models things like what a partner ought to be like. Or what they shouldn’t be like. At least, that is often the case with heterosexual kids… not sure how these things influence children if there are two moms, if the child is transgender, etc.
While sharing this honestly, I’m sometimes also relieved that I won’t have to raise a daughter in our current US culture. There is just so much more sexual crime here than in my country of origin, and much of it, though not all, is targeting girls.
In the end, I do know some boys who are very close to their mothers, so while it may look different from what you had imagined, I hope that you do get to have a good relationship with your sons.
I like the blues & greens too! But also the reds and oranges! We live in a tropical climate so dress in shorts and t-shirts year round. It is easy to slip a pair of blue shorts with purple octopi or a pink shirt with a sea turtle into the mix.
But I hear you on being sad about not being able to buy some of the cute girl clothes. I do have some friends with girls so when I feel like I can’t resist something, I can usually find someone to give it to.
I totally understand. I always thought that I would have a girl first but when I got pregnant, I had a feeling it was a boy and yup it was. He is such a mommy’s boy and we have a special bond that I just love. My husband jokes with me that we’re only going to have boys to even out all the girls on his side of the family. We are planning on having a big family tho, 4 or 5 kids so hopefully I’ll get my girl!
I’m sure my boys will always be close as well and that makes me feel better. I was never really a girly-girl when I was younger (in fact, I wanted to be a boy from age 7-11 lol) but I shared so much with my mom as a teen and now that it just feels odd that I may not get to share the same things with my own daughter.
I hope I can honestly say I’m fine with either one if/when I have another.