I was wondering, if money is not an issue, is it better for the well-being of your children to have more or less. For example, if you have only one child, will they be more likely to grow up to be selfish? [name_m]Will[/name_m] it be harder for them to learn social skill? [name_m]Will[/name_m] they be at a disadvantage for not having a sibling or will they be just fine? On the opposite end, if you have many children, will they be more likely to feel ignored by their parents since the parents have other responsibilities? [name_f]Do[/name_f] children need lots of quality time with there parents or is the time they spend with there siblings just as good?
What do you all think? What is the ābestā number of children one can have? [name_f]Do[/name_f] any of you come from large families and wish you had less sibling? Alternativly, are any of you an only child and wish you had siblings? Lastly, do you think the number of siblings one has is even a factor in how they grow up or rather do you think it is how the parents parent that matters most?
There is no right answer to your question. Only children can grow up well or badly. Children from big families can grow up well or badly. Number of siblings may be a factor, but may not be (of course, parents are more important than number of siblings).
From my own perspective, Iām one of two and I always thought two wasnāt enough. We plan on having three children, but thereās no āmagicā number.
I grew up as one of three and always wanted more siblings. I used to beg my parents to have more kids. I always thought I would have many kids, but as it turns out, I canāt. So we might just have our one son. He is pretty awesome, so I am fine with that. I know a lot of really great only children, so I am not worried about him being spoiled or bad with people. Having lots of siblings is no guarantee for companionship, either. I think we all know families where the siblings barely tolerate each other.
[name_m]How[/name_m] kids turn out is much more about the parenting they get than the number of siblings they have. I know a wonderful close family of ten grown kids and another family with eight grown kids that is a total mess with most of the kids not speaking and some even suing each other.
The only thing I would say is that a triad is the most unstable of sociological groups. Growing up, my brother and I were very close and my sister was left out (she also hated us). Now my sister and I are very close and my brother is left out. So I like even numbers best. Or at least numbers that arenāt three. There was some study out recently that found that three kids is the most stressful number to have, and martial satisfaction increases again after the fourth kid. But that is not to say that three is a bad number of kids to have, this is just my personal prejudice. Again, it is something that is overcome with good parenting, in my opinion.
I have absolutely no data to back this up, just anecdotes. Only children anecdotally often feel lonely and yearn for the closeness of a sibling relationship. Children from families with 2-3 are often satisfied- they get the joys and pitfalls of siblings without feeling lost in a crowd. Children from 4+ can start to feel deindividualized and compete for parental attention. Obviously these are massive generalizations and YMMV.
[name_f]Taryn[/name_f]'s point about triads was fascinating, but in my family of three we experienced it as a series of ever-shifting alliances. To this day there are things I share with my sister that I donāt with my brother, things I share with him but not with her, and things the two of them have in common that they donāt share with me.
Personally I used to think I wanted two. A boy and a girl, and voila! thatās what I have. But I am certain now I would like more children, perhaps even 2 more. I certainly would like a bigger gap between them and wouldnāt try again for a couple more years (even though I will have passed over the dreaded Advanced Maternal Age threshold by then and might have a great deal more difficulty becoming pregnant). I do think three will feel like a completed family; in the circles in which I run, 4 would make people curious if we belonged to some kind of cult.
Iām one of 4 kids and I want at least that many, and hopefully at least 2 of each gender. While my siblings and I fought plenty, I canāt imagine growing up with less siblings. The fights still would have happened, sibling donāt always get along no matter how many there are. Right now I want 6 kids, but weāll see what I think when I start actually having kids!
I think spacing and gender play big roles too. There are too many variables for any accurate study, but I think the psychology of birth order is very interesting & plays a huge part in a personās development.
For example, I have one brother that is 7 years older than myself, then thereās me and then my younger brother came around 15 months later. So even though I am the middle child because my younger brother and I are so close in age we developed almost like twins, and because there is such a large age gap between us and our older brother he developed almost as an only child.
I think having 2 or more kids around the same age is best cause they will always have a built-in buddy to play with, learn with, fight with - whatever they need developmentally. You can have loads of children but if you space them out really far I think thats when you start to see issues of perceived favoritism, and discord - it defeats the purpose of helping their social development because then they arenāt growing and developing TOGETHER. [name_m]Just[/name_m] my opinion.
In any case, we have 2 already very close in age. Weād like to space our next pregnancy a bit further apart (but not more than three years or so). Not sure if we will stop after the next pregnancy or keep goingā¦ we would LIKE to have a boy at some point & give our household some balance, so hoping that will happen for us.
I donāt believe there is an ultimate right answer, but I believe there can be a right answer for your individual situation.
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I both come from families with just 2 kids. We were both the oldest child; I had a younger sister and he had a younger brother. Although my sister is my absolute best friend and probably better than any other sibling I could have had, she and I always wanted a little brother. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband says he really would have liked a little sister. So, based on our experiences growing up, we want a minimum of 3 kids and will probably more likely be 4-5. We like the idea of having boys and girls, and I am biased and think that every girl should have a sister, ha! Obviously you cannot pick genders, but with 4-5 kids you have a good chance of getting a few of each.
We got married semi-young (23), are currently 27, and plan to start having kids around 29. since weāve known we want a slightly bigger family, weāre using all these years with just the 2 of us to get as ready as we can (financially speaking) to support a big family. So, for us, this makes sense. BUT we reserve the right to change our minds! Maybe weāll get to 2 or 3 and be worn out already lol! That, and since weāll be āolderā it may not be as easy to get pregnant & have a baby every 2 years how we hope to do.
I donāt think thereās an ideal number. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if finances are not an issue, there is the question of age, family history, parentsā jobs/lifestyle, location, and personal preference. Personally, I have one biological brother but two step-siblings that are close in age to me, and I always wanted four kids. Now that Iām 33 and conceiving has been an issue, Iād be happy if we could have three, but two is more likely for us.
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I are both only children.
Honestly, I never wanted a sibling. I think itās hard to want a relationship you donāt have, that sibling dynamic just isnāt a part of your life. I had wonderful friends. I had close relationships with grandparents and adult relatives. I felt I learned to function around adults better than some of my friends early on because there wasnāt a kid table, there wasnāt a playroom, if I wanted someone to talk to at home, it was going to be a grown up. The only negative has been the looming pressure of my parents getting older and being the only one responsible for their well beingā¦but I know plenty of people with siblings who still found themselves in that position.
We plan to have 2-3, simply because to us, that feels like a big family. But I agree with the general consensus, thereās no right number, only whatās right for your family.
Thank you very much for posting this. I love to hear from only children who are happy about being only children, especially since our son might be an only. So many people say such negative things about only children. I met a guy the other day who told me he loved being an only child because he got ā100% of his parentsā love.ā I could have hugged him.
Regarding caring for elderly parents, if it is any consolation, my mother is one of five, my father is one of five, and my mother in law is one of eight. [name_f]My[/name_f] mother, father, and mother in law are doing all of the elderly parent care for their respective parents as they are the only responsible children in the whole lot. I am one of three and I suspect that all of the parent care is going to fall on me as well. So as you said, it would be nice if having siblings meant that burden was spread out, but it hasnāt in my experience.
Iām one of two and have always wished I had an older sister. Really, I would take any sister, but an older one would be best. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother is 18 months younger than I am, so growing up weāve always been really close. When we were little, we rarely fought, then in our early teens we fought constantly and everything was a contest. Now weāre getting better. I love him a lot, but I just wish I had a sister. Special [name_m]Bond[/name_m], and all that.
Iāve heard people say a brother and a sister donāt have to compete with each other as much as two brothers, or two sisters, but I donāt think thatās true. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother and I are always competing, who can learn to cross country ski faster (him), whoās smarter (him), whoās more responsible (me), who orders the better meal in a restaurant (depends), who gets their driverās liscence first (me) ect.
Someday I would ideally have 5 kids, 3 girls and 2 boys. But thatās waaaaayyy too many, so Iām hoping for three, either 3 girls, or 2 girls and a boy.
I guess I have an interesting perspective to add. I have grown up as an only child, and recently met a biological sibling (we are mid/late 20s).
As a child, the only time I really wanted a sibling was when I was bored andā¦to be honestā¦when I got in trouble. Seeing my friends get away with stuff by blaming their siblings made me a little jealous. As an only child, I had to consider whether my actions were worth getting in trouble because there was no one else to blame lol (you canāt blame missing cookies on a cat). Besides that, I enjoyed being an only child. I was the only granddaughter for each set of grandparents so I got all the love and attention. You always get 1-on-1 time with parents, which has made me very close to my own parents. I might have more difficulty when people take my stuff without asking than those with siblings, but if Iām asked there is little problem.
I do enjoy having a sibling now that Iām older, but I believe if we had grown up together we would not have been close. I donāt feel like I missed out by not having a sibling. I donāt see a bond as something that will necessarily happen with siblings. Iāve seen plenty of adults who are close to their siblings and plenty more who barely ever talk with a sibling. Of course, every parent wants a close bond, but I wouldnāt have more children just so they have a sibling.
I donāt think there is a perfect number. Every family is different and what works for one style may not work for another. If/when I have kids, Iām not sure how many I will have. Part of me wants at least 2 because I would like a son and daughter, and Iām afraid if I have just 1 child Iāll be a helicopter parent!
I donāt think thereās a magic number: it depends on the family and the people involved. Iām the eldest of four and I have a completely unique relationship with each of my siblings. For instance, I get along great with my youngest brother (8 years gap between us). I definitely donāt have a āSpecial [name_m]Bond[/name_m]ā with my sister ā*our personalities and interests are just too different. I never felt lack of attention mainly because my parents were smart: thereās always a 2-3 year age difference between us, so that they never introduced a baby until the previous kid was already out of the most crucial development stages. Again, this is just me.
Maybe itās a reflection of the Millennial generation, but all the only children I know love to be one and donāt long for siblings. I think thereās definitely a great advantage in āinvestingā (sounds horrible but I canāt think of a better word) all of your attention, love, time, and money on a child, especially if you have an extended family and plenty good friendships. Many of the really accomplished, confident, well-rounded people I know are only children, and very few of them fit the stereotype of the āselfish, spoilt bratā. You also avoid the inevitable comparisons/jealousy/rivalry that almost always exists between siblings, to a greater or lesser extent.
Of course that also creates pressure on the kid & on the parents (again, random people I know: a couple whose only daughter is socially awkward/celibate and will probably never give them grandchildren; an only-child single mother whose only son died at 20 in a car accident). Iām a pessimist so I think of that. Iād personally like to have 2 or 3, but you never know!
[name_m]Even[/name_m] if money, theoretically, isnāt an issue there are still many other factors that play into a family. Itās more of a case by case basis. While parents play a huge role in the development of their child, outside influences can have different roles in raising a kid. It truly depends on the circumstances when it comes to the āperfectā number. I have a younger brother, and while there were times when I wished I was an only child, I value the relationship between me and my sibling. I liked lineskaās comment about not really missing what you never had, in this case, a sibling.
I donāt think that thereās a āperfectā number of kids, but there are positives and negatives to any number. Personally I think that two would be good ā one for each arm, and one for each parent, so you are never outnumbered.
I have seen some of the downside of having a large family. I have four siblings within 7 years of each other, and Iām right in the middle. It definitely felt like getting lost in a crowd sometimes ā for example, my parents always mixed up our favorite foods, or they would forget to tell one of the kids something important because theyād already told everyone else, etc. Things like that are not big deals in retrospect but at the time it really bothered me, because I wanted to be noticed as an individual. However, I love all of my siblings and value the relationships that weāve developed as adults (we definitely had some friction as kids/teens however ā I think that there was more fighting over things, just because there were more people to split the same number of things, like the TV). Things were typically pretty exciting though and there was usually someone to hang out with if you were bored. I think siblings can make some of the best friends as you get older, and being from a big family is great in that respect. And of course parents who were determined to give each of their children individual attention could find a way do so.
I donāt think that being an only child necessarily harms your social skills either. [name_f]My[/name_f] cousin who is an only child is actually really mature and confident for her age, and I think itās at least partly because she spent so much time around adults and older teenagers growing up. I think it just takes a bit more effort from the parents to facilitate social interactions with kids outside the immediate family. I also donāt think that only children are more likely to be spoiled than other kids (in fact three of the most spoiled kids I know are all siblings). Either way I think it really depends on parenting and whether parents are intentional about trying to avoid problems usually associated with their family size.
I think the perfect number is a blend of your how far your budget can stretch vs how āintoā kids you are.
For example- someone who doesnāt have much money and isnāt that keen on kids should have 0 or maybe 1,
whereas someone who has a bigger budget and loves kids might want 4 or 8 or 10!
Put simply- I think an ideal number should be based on the parental capacity to meet the needs of the children they have.
[name_f]My[/name_f] Mum was one of 15 (10 living) and grew up in a close and loving household. No one was ever left out or neglected by my grandparents, and I loved growing up around so much family!
Iām an only child and as blade generalized, I felt lonely a lot. I was socialized heavily, because my parents made it a point to send me on LOTS of playdates and I had probably an average of 1-2 sleepovers per week even through high school. I surrounded myself with friends, but found it hard (and still do) to keep friends as lifelong relationships, since people just naturally drift in and out. Siblings counteract that, I feel, because theyāre a stable relationship. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you have fights with them that go on for years, theyāre still there, and youāre forever tied to them. And that kind of attachment, imo, actually makes it easier to replicate those relationships with non-siblings.
Like I said, I was pretty happy. But Iām still not very good at sharing, even in adulthood. And my childhood was full of jealousy that when my countless playdates were over, my friends were going home to 24/7 playmates, even if they fought all the time.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, my grandfather grew up the first of 14. He LOVED it! He had a lot of responsibilities and expectations on him, but he is still in really close contact with the other 11 that are still alive-- all around the world. [name_f]My[/name_f] mother has aunts that are younger than her, so even she had a lot of playmates that werenāt her siblings (my mother is one of two). His parents were very wealthy, though, through inheritance and because my great grandfather was a doctor, so they lived a comfortable lifestyle in a REALLY big house and most of the children chose to go to college and were provided for. I think there is no magic number. It all depends on who the parents are, how much time they plan on spending and are subsequently [name_m]ABLE[/name_m] to spend with their children, how far apart the siblings are, and how financially capable you are of parenting.
FYI, I plan on having three children. I believe that four children would probably be my IDEAL number, but three is whatās financially feasible for DH and myself.
[name_f]My[/name_f] comment didnāt seem to take, so here we go again.
Personally, I would like to have 3 children. I like the idea of a child having someone to play with/confide in etc. But I wouldnāt want any more because I donāt think I would have the energy or give each child enough adequate attention.
Also since everyone is sharing their number of siblings, I have one sister. She is older by me of 4 years. We were very close as kids and close now as adults. The only time we werenāt close is around the teenage years. At that point I think our age gap felt bigger. I mean, teenagers donāt want to hang with their annoying 12 years old sisters.
I grew up in as the oldest of three kids, and while I had a lovely childhood, I was envious of large families. They chaos was always tempting me! [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is the second youngest of a family of four kids and he also wanted a large family too.
However we planned on having five kids but ended up with six. [name_f]My[/name_f] second last are twins and the baby of the family came as a delightful surprise to everyone!
I love the energy in our house, visitors are always welcome, there is always laughter, food in the kitchen being scarfed down (and screaming is always involved) and a [name_m]German[/name_m] [name_m]Shepherd[/name_m] being chased by one of the boys. I know it drives me insane sometimes but lord, I would not give it up for anything!
In the end, a family of eight people ended up being perfection for us.
