I’m just venting. Sad today. My husband and I have decided that we are done having kids for the foreseeable future. [name_m]Just[/name_m] a few weeks ago we were talking TTC in early 2017, but the more I think about it the less responsible it seems for various reasons. DH seems to be handing the decision to me . . . he just agrees with whatever I say about the subject.
We’re just getting started on buying a house in the next few years, I’m just getting my career started and my younger son is finally getting old enough to allow more variety of adventures soon. I should embrace this, but I’m not sure how to get past the sadness.
I still have 15 or more years of fertility ahead of me most likely as I had my kids young, but my boys are growing up and I don’t know about creating a huge age gap. I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be satisfied. [name_m]How[/name_m] do I move past the “having babies” stage of life? Any stories of families with large age gaps to give me hope?
I’m not where you are yet, but I’m sure that what you’re going through is difficult and something many if not most women experience (doesn’t make it any easier of course).
My husband is the oldest of four children, the total gap between the oldest son and youngest son is 9.5 years, of course there is two in between there, but my husband and his youngest brother enjoy a very good relationship. Another thing to look at that’s nice is that the older your other two kids are the easier it is when you have a newborn. For example, a 9 or 10 year old can be independent while you are nursing or feeding a newborn. My daughter is going to be 2.5 years older than her brother or sister (expected this coming [name_f]May[/name_f]) and it will be difficult to entertain her while still taking care of a newborn.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] with these considerations, it’s still tough to deal with what you are going through. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, be gentle with yourself and enjoy all those wonderful things going on in your life right now. Congrats on getting ready to purchase your first home soon, that’s a very exciting time.
There are 6.5 years (and a vasectomy and a vasectomy reversal) between our third and fourth. It’s very hard to know what you’ll end up deciding in the future! It sounds like you still have plenty of time to revisit your feelings over the next few years.
What I say to myself (and my husband) these days is, you never know how you’ll feel in 12 months (actually, I’ve been saying 8 months lately–hah).
Keep your heart open and hang in there with these feelings. Eventually it will become clear what the right things are. And big age gaps aren’t as big of a deal as I thought–it’s a lot more positive than negative, I’ve found.
Hey jtucker and mill1020, thanks for sympathizing. I know that this is a common dilemma and I’m being a big baby.
Good point, mill1020, about the future . . . who knows? I mostly just want to be able to get out of where we are renting right now. Maybe we will get a good deal in the next year even, then I would possibly consider another. Then again, I worry my oldest will be deprived of experiences he could have had if there wasn’t a baby in tow for his entire childhood.
My husband would love to have another if I was 100% sure, so at least I don’t have the problem that so many people have of their partner denying them the option.
ETA: Of course my coworker had to come tell me that her daughter in law just used my #1 name for her new baby, wah!
My brother and I have an 8 year gap, and it has worked very well. We were close as kids, and I have great memories of him as a baby. I remember his little baby quirks, toddler, and child memories. I have also been a support system in his teenage years. I cherish our relationship.
However, you never know what will happen. I’d caution against assuming you can have another baby later on. You just never know.
@revlon , yes I know that there may never be a good time or I just may never get pregnant again. That’s why I feel like I need to find a way to let go, my mom never did. She had her first at 19 and last at 42. I personally wouldn’t want that for myself
Adjusting to a life with a family that isn’t as you pictured is really hard. The desire to have children is a deeply emotional desire. I totally get the heartbreak of realizing you may not have the child you want. It sucks.
What helped for me, was to first let myself go through the emotions: sadness, anger, whatever it is. I stopped enjoying everything, and I hope you never get there. Completely throwing myself into the joyful parts of my life helped me. I stared off slow, just being fully present in the moment on a [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] trip with my husband. Appreciating how lovely a day was. I got to a place where I realized that I have a good life, and not having my desired family will not take my good life and make it bad.
All that is to say, it is so hard. I think the best way to make peace is to make efforts to allow yourself to be as upset as you need to, and to make a conscious effort to find the joy when you can. I hope that everything works out for you, and you can find some happiness in your journey.
I don’t know how old your kids are now, but there’s a 7 and 10 year age gap between me and my older sisters. I get on well with both of them and I’d say the age gap was good for us all. It taught my sisters responsibility as they looked after me a lot. I spent a lot of time with them when I was a child and I think that hanging out with older kids helped my development and helped me learn to get on with people of different ages.
I know age gaps aren’t always ideal, but they’re not necessarily bad. My parents had three more kids while I was very young so I would have siblings close in age to play with, but when I was growing up I got on better with my older sisters.
I am 9 years older than my sister (my only sibling) … it works and it doesn’t.
I say it works, because my Mum has always needed to work, and the gap meant that I was able to look after my sister, do her schooling, and help keep the house in order while my parents worked. For our family it just worked. Things flowed well and ran smoothly. It taught me a lot about responsibility and how to look after a family.
I say it doesn’t, because my sister and I are not overly close because of it. We have got closer in the last few years (she’s a teen now and Im in my 20s), because as we get older the gap seems a little less… and various family issues have brought us closer. But we are very different, and I still feel more like her mum than her sister in many ways. I look after her, and push her to grow and get better in a way that is probably more parental. I don’t think I will ever see her as just my sister. She will always be someone that I look after and need to provide for.
So, my advice would be - yes, age gaps work perfectly fine and are very much doable… but they create a different dynamic in the household. It is just something that one needs to be aware of.
However, I would also warn against putting of babies for reasons that you might see as silly in the future. I know people who did this… put of children in the name of earning money, buying houses, having holidays overseas, etc… they were in their late 30 when they finally had their daughter, and now often say they wish they hadn’t done what they did, because now they realise that children are more precious than all those things.
If you are feeling sad about the decision… maybe you are are not 100% comfortable with it??