You know when you have an amazing dream that you don’t want to end? You’re finally starting to enjoy life and then you wake up and realize that your back in reality and that what you had hoped to happen in that dream will never happen because you think you’re ugly or not good enough and you feel dark and sad and lonely and even a little angry that that is not real life? Yeah. That’s what my life is like everyday. I know, I know, it’s cliche; A fifteen year old girl who thinks she’s ugly and then she takes off her glasses and she’s drop dead gorgeous. But no- that’s not what this is.
Fidgeting with the zipper on my sweatshirt, my mother knocks on the door.”[name_f]Eve[/name_f], it’s time for your appointment.” I shutter at the sound of my name. [name_f]Eve[/name_f]. Who in their right mind would ever give someone a name like [name_f]Eve[/name_f]? It’s so bland and boring and all it does is remind me of christmas, that’s why I try to avoid wearing the colours green and red.
This is my latest piece…Feedback appreciated -[name_u]Dani[/name_u]
Putting on my editor cap -> (I guess it turns into a cowboy hat but that’s the only emoji wearing something on their head so just go with it).
First, you have a really strong narrator here. [name_f]Eve[/name_f] has a clearly defined voice and I can hear her speaking in my head, which isn’t always as easy as people seem to think. She has opinions, she has agency, she has a grip on reality, and all of these are useful tools for your narrator.
I also love the little details thrown in about [name_f]Eve[/name_f]. She avoids wearing [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] colors because she’s afraid of reminding people about [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] when her name is spoken. That’s great. It tells us that she has preferences, maybe bad previous experience with someone teasing her about the connection, and it also can start to show her relationship with her mom.
One thing to be careful about is “you” statements. I’m channeling my dear fiction workshop professor here. Having narrators who break the fourth wall is fun but I’d be wary about having them make assumptions about the reader. Have I ever had an amazing dream that I didn’t want to end? Yes. The second one though included so many little details that I’m sitting here going I’m not sure I’ve ever had that experience… Be careful when making assumptions about the reader like that because my combative brain is looking for a slip-up where I can say, “[name_m]Nuh[/name_m] uh! I’m nothing like that!”
Dreams are also a wonky thing to be careful about. They can be really useful tools but they can just as easily lead the reader astray or make them feel cheated or lied to. The thing about reading is that I’m basically signing a contract when I pick up a fiction book that says I’m about to be lied to, and I’m okay with that, just as long as the writer doesn’t remind me that I’m being lied to. If, come to find out, the story all took place in a dream, then it ruins any of the stakes you’ve built for your character and it leaves me reminded that I’m being lied to. I’m not sure how you’re going to use dreams in this piece but just something to keep in mind.
I think you have a great start here! Be careful of your grammar, there are a couple misused words but they weren’t super confusing so I left it out of this. I think [name_f]Eve[/name_f] has the potential to be a strong and active narrator/character, which will serve you well. Thanks for sharing! I’d love to see more updates!
I want to read the rest of the book!
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(I guess it turns into a cowboy hat but that’s the only emoji wearing something on their head so just go with it).