So, I have a sister who is 3 years younger than me. We are very close. She lives in the same city and she is married, but doesn’t have any children, as she has an ovulation disorder that basically causes her to not ovulate. It causes her a lot of grief and pain, but she will be adopting in the next 3-5 years. Currently, I have three children and I am 36 weeks pregnant. I know my sister is jealous, and I let her come to our house often and spend time with the children, she is great with them. Sometimes they spend the night at her house, or she will babysit them overnight, and she definitely feels like a part of our family. Which is the problem. She wants to be present in the room when our fourth child is born, as she thinks that she should be a “part of it”. I am fine with her waiting in the hallway or the waiting room and coming in after, but I feel like it should just be me and my husband, as this will probably be our last biological child, we will probably adopt more, but I feel like my last birth should be just us. Is it selfish of me to keep her out of it? I don’t know how I can tell her that I don’t want her there. [name]Early[/name] on in my pregnancy, at about 15 weeks, she asked me and I said “maybe,” and she took that as a yes. She’s been texting me and telling me how excited she is to see her niece/nephew born and I don’t know how to break it to her!
Thank you for your help!
[name]Just[/name] tell her you only want your husband in the room. I only ever have my husband present for delivery. Everyone else has to wait outside. I don’t understand why a person would want anyone besides their husband there myself.
My midwife, doula and birth class instructors all warned me about having extra people in the room. I would explain to her that you love her and appreciate that she wants to be there to support you, but that you just feel calmer with as few people in the delivery room as possible. Explain to her just what you said–that you’re fine with her being in the waiting room, but you want the birth itself to be just you and your husband. Point out that no other family members will be present either, like your mom. Perhaps she could even help by watching your other children, if you think that would make her feel more useful.
I know you don’t want to hurt your sister, but it is absolutely your call who you invite into that very intimate situation. I think the key is to discuss the subject with as much compassion and tact as possible, while still making your point clear. The sooner you have this conversation, the better, as the clock is ticking on this baby’s arrival.
I have a large French Canadian family who all assumed they would be in the delivery room, and were quite offended when I informed them they wouldn’t be. I said they could wait in the waiting room. I was put on bed rest in the hospital for 4 days before I delivered, and my mom and grandma showed up and tried to camp in the waiting room until it was time (they’re nuts!) I had the nurses kick them out. I wanted it to be just my husband and myself. I had to stick to the vision I had of what my birth would be like. You can’t go back and change who you had in the room, so if you know you want it to be special between your husband and you, you need to stick to your choice. [name]Just[/name] tell your sister politely and sincerely, that you said “maybe” originally, but you have decided on it be just you and your husband. It’s your baby, your family should want what you want. Maybe allow her to be the first person to see or hold the baby after birth? that way she still feels important in some way.
Thank you three. She was at my house about an hour playing with the kids, and we talked about the baby, and I started to talk about the birth. I told her, like you said, considerately but tact, and she was upset at first but when I went on to explain all the reasons, (especially my mother not being there), she understood and said she could wait. As the rest of our family lives in [name]Britain[/name], Australia, and Alaska they will not be joining us for the birth, so I have agreed to let [name]Kate[/name] stay with the three kids and bring them in as soon as the baby’s born. If I start to go into labor at night she said she will stay at my house with kids until the AM so they can sleep. She took it better than I thought.
Thanks so much!!!
Mommy to three beautiful chickadees [name]Oliver[/name], [name]Henry[/name], and [name]Emilia[/name], with baby #4 on the way near [name]Christmas[/name]/[name]New[/name] Year’s!
I’m so glad to hear it worked out!
I think there is so much that’s out of our hands when it comes to l&d that you should at least exercise your control of who is present in the room!
I have one child & my whole family camped out in the room, talking about food & complaining about how long things were taking! First I demanded silence & finally I kicked them out! It was really hard for me to do but it was a real lesson for me- Only I can set my boundaries and I can’t expect my family to just’get it’ or pick up on subtle cues.
Honestly if I ever have another child I plan on only calling my husband and informing everyone else afterwards. They were an hour & a half away at the time & I called them not to invite them, but to let them know so they could come after since getting my almost 90 yr old grandmotherout can be an ordeal…I really don’t know how they got there so fast!
Thank you Taz. I was worried about complications,too. I didn’t want [name]Kate[/name] to be there if something terrible happened. I can’t imagine any of my family trekking it out to the continental U.S. for this…so I’m not too worried about that, but thanks for the advice!
My mom decided years ago that if I ever had kids she was going to be in the room for their birth. That will never fly with me. I’ve had long in depth conversations with my SO and in the case that he can’t be there we’ve agreed that my younger sister or his best friend could be his stand in. And while I love both of them I want my SO to be there. My sister always finds a way to make things about her and I would feel awkward knowing that his best friend was seeing just about everything. I’d rather have him play bouncer and keep everyone out.
[name]Just[/name] tell her since it is your last biological child, you would like it to be more intimate with just you and your husband, but you would love to have her company AFTER the birth. Have you thought about making her the godmother maybe? I think she should be able to understand this, hopefully, and maybe you could give her the responsibility of watching the kids during the birth.
It seems like she took it really well. and that means that its all about how much she loves you and your family. I’m so glad that it worked out as well as it did.
I had my husband, sister, mom, aunt, and brother. They all wanted to be there. And for the most part they kept me company, and kept me happy. The only thing was that my brother and husband were distracted. When things got serious, my aunt and brother left. And when it became clear that a C-section was needed, it was just me and my husband. but since that was an emergency, I was just so happy to be able to see most of my favorite people before going through such a scary procedure. After… my husband went with the baby. and after getting pictures and info, my brother and sister returned to me. they were the only 2 who put me first. And it was awesome. Because of them, I got to see photos of my son a long time before I actually got to hold him - and I wasn’t alone in the surgical recovery room. so it worked out in the end. "
Next time - husband only for the c-section, everyone who wants to wait outside can.