[name_m]Hi[/name_m] there,
I’d like to firstly say that I write this with a lot of anxiety. I’ve had depression over this and I’ve been battling intense anxiety. I’m well aware of how difficult this topic is and I’ve read some really judgemental comments to other mum’s strugging with this issue, so please, please be kind.
I’m considering changing my 12 month olds name. I’d like to have resolved this many, many months ago but my husband put my concerns down to anxiety and got very angry whenever I’d bring it up.
The issue is that we couldn’t decide on a name, and when I was asked in the hospital what her name was I said my husband’s favourite name, which is a nickname. We had found a longer version that fitted with his nickname, but hadn’t researched it beforehand. Neither of us liked the other full versions of the nickname he liked and he didn’t like any names I’d chosen. The nickname he likes is a very trendy, modern name, whereas I like classical names.
I had struggled time and again to see her as the name we chose. I later discovered it has a very strong significance in [name_f]Indian[/name_f] culture. We are Australian, and so when we have told anyone with [name_f]Indian[/name_f] heritage they have questioned our use of the name, and while they generally find it flattering I have since learnt that it is cultural appropriation - something I had no understanding of previously. It has raised some significant questions in me, and not helped with my feelings. The fact is that I hadn’t seen her as this name the whole time. I never use it when I talk to her and I tend to use the nickname and lots of other nicknames as well.
I feel like I’m so stupid. I really do, I hate myself so much. Names are so important to me as my mum handed my initials down to me and I had always thought I’d do the same but my husband wouldn’t like any of the names I wanted. I felt under pressure to use a name and the nickname he liked was the only one I had at the time. I’m so so stupid.
I don’t want her to have to justify and defend her name all the time, and I really have concerns that if we just change it to her nickname, which is the compromise my husband and I have come up with, that she will always be asked what it’s short for…it is a name that was basically unheard of a few decades ago and is very ‘cute’. There are whole forums on this name not being a full name.
I have a name that my husband is willing to use as her first name and use her current name and middle name both as middle names. It makes her name very long, and I want her to have a beautiful flowing name that is her! The name I like really suits her and my husband sees it too and likes it but we are also attached to her nickname, which doesn’t match the name I like. I just feel horrible and don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve gone around and around this and it’s taken this long before my husband has been willing to even discuss it with me. I’m not doing this for myself, I’m doing this because I want her to have a name that works for her.
Please understand I wanted to resolve this long before now, and yet my feelings have remained, despite trying to so much to be alright with the name. I really don’t want to be kicked while I’m already so down. Please help me make a logical decision.
Thanks for your reply. There are many arguments for and against the name being cultural appropriation, either way, I don’t see her as this name.
It’s very different to how I see her and it’s a very significant name in [name_f]India[/name_f]. [name_f]Every[/name_f] [name_f]Indian[/name_f] person I’ve spoken to has said ‘why did you use this name?’
The name is [name_f]Indira[/name_f] and we use [name_f]Indy[/name_f] as the nickname, but my concern has always been that [name_f]Indy[/name_f] isn’t a full name and I understand that people use both names. However, what other people do isn’t helpful. I read a letter from a grown man whose parents did a similar thing and he is really struggling with his name and wants to change it but doesn’t want to upset his family.
I don’t think I would view [name_f]Indira[/name_f] as cultural appropriation, but if you’re feeling low about the name that’s what matters, not what I’d class as cultural appropriation.
Personally, I would change the spelling and just call her [name_f]Indie[/name_f]. I don’t think it needs a longer name, there are plenty of children in the world called [name_f]Evie[/name_f], [name_f]Ellie[/name_f], [name_u]Freddie[/name_u], [name_u]Charlie[/name_u] etc. that [name_f]Indie[/name_f] would fit right in. (I live in UK, nickname names are very common here). But it sounds like you’re not that into the idea of a nickname name either?
What is the name you and your husband have agreed to make her first name?
I think ‘new name’ [name_f]Indie[/name_f] ‘middle name’ might be nice, or keeping [name_f]Indira[/name_f] in the middle spot also works. If you both agree on a new first name, I don’t see a reason not to change it.
To sum up: [name_f]Indie[/name_f] is sweet and I think it works fine as a stand alone, but if you and your husband agree on this new name - go for it. She’ll adapt and you can relax!
First off, you’re not stupid if you make one regrettable decision. The smartest people make regrettable decisions sometimes. I was a straight A student and was constantly butchering social interactions. I kicked myself for it afterwards, but I wouldn’t say I was stupid or worthless for it.
If you don’t see yourself calling your daughter [name_f]Indira[/name_f], by all means change her name while she’s young. That’s my advice. It’s difficult to explain, “Well, my name is [name_f]Indira[/name_f], but call me [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]” or something like that. Name them what you call them! Makes life so much easier.
Thank you. Her new name with [name_f]Indira[/name_f] as a middle name works, but [name_f]Indy[/name_f] doesn’t work in the middle because it rhymes. Have a four syllable last name is a mouthful on it’s own, let alone adding in all the rest.
Another issue is that her current initials are IPC. I pee, see! As I have special initials handed down to me, this has really upset me. I just do not know what was going through my head when we made these decisions.
I wouldn’t worry about it being long. I knew a family where all the children (all 5) had a first name that was at least 3 syllables long, then 3 middle names each, then a double barrelled surname! They all did fine!
It’s a shame about the special initials, but I think it’s most important that she just has a name you actually like. There may be a chance you can give the initials on to another child? Or you could give her a nickname based on those initials if you really feel like you want to incorporate them into her name in some way.
You poor thing! I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling like this. It sounds really frustrating and stressful.
First of all, your mental and emotional health is the most important thing in this situation right now. Please do not put all the blame on yourself or be angry with yourself for this–this is not the end of the world! You are not stupid, you are a strong woman who is seeking help about a problem, and there’s no shame whatsoever in that. Your daughter is still very young and you are not obligated to keep this name if it makes you upset. Your feelings are VALID. I want you to repeat this to yourself every single day: “My feelings are valid. It is okay to be upset when I’m upset. My feelings are okay and valid as they are.” Sorry if this sounds preachy, I’m just really concerned about you. It seems like your feelings might be getting ignored by the people around you (?), and I want you to know that you deserve to be heard.
Anyway, regarding the name issue, you should definitely get rid of [name_f]Indira[/name_f] since you say it doesn’t fit her and you haven’t liked it the whole time. I think there are two possible solutions that are both solid:
Change her first name to the new name you like, and use [name_f]Indie[/name_f] as her middle name. That way, you can completely reasonably call her [name_f]Indie[/name_f] sometimes. My brother goes exclusively by a nickname of his middle name because it fits him better, and no one questions it! This can totally work, and may be the best option here.
Make [name_f]Indie[/name_f] her official first name and then use the new name you like as her middle name. As others said, [name_f]Indie[/name_f] would fit right in with other modern nickname names being used as firsts lately (like [name_u]Theo[/name_u], [name_f]Ellie[/name_f], [name_f]Evie[/name_f], [name_u]Charlie[/name_u], etc).
I hope I’ve been helpful. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk or if you want any more help with your decision <3.
Please take care of yourself. It is important, and I am sure many members would agree that as much as we love to experiment with names; we would also like to think we could be of some help for Mom’s in these anxious situations.
You are certainly not alone in your anguish. Others have had similar problems.
I live in Australia. Firstly the actual name [name_f]Indie[/name_f] is used as a name alone and I cant think of the word I want to say that its admired so much without being used too much. Its so pretty.
One of our premier high profile sportsmen has daughters, 1vy and 1ndie. They quite close together and are a little like twins. Believe me these two are Australian [name_u]Royal[/name_u] children.
I like the suggestions of @silversky109. My very best wishes.
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having such a difficult time.
I think it’s fine to change your daughter’s name, as long as your husband is on board and you can either keep the same nickname or gradually transition to the new name so your daughter has time to get used to her new name.
If you wanted to call her [name_f]Sarah[/name_f], for instance, you could start calling her something silly and fun like “[name_f]Indy[/name_f]-Bindy [name_f]Sarah[/name_f]-[name_m]Bear[/name_m]” and gradually drop the “[name_f]Indy[/name_f]-Bindy” bit. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you plan to keep calling her [name_f]Indy[/name_f], maybe introduce her new first name as well (e.g. start calling her “[name_f]Sarah[/name_f]-[name_f]Indy[/name_f]” occasionally), so that she’s not too surprised to discover she has a name other than [name_f]Indy[/name_f].
I think it’s a good idea to introduce her to the new name as soon as possible, but I don’t think you need to rush to change the birth certificate. Wait until you’re sure of the new name. If it’s done before she starts school (or pre-school), you probably won’t have any problems.
I also wanted to say that I hope you’re getting some support for your anxiety and depression. Whether that’s an ongoing thing or a temporary difficulty, I really recommend finding someone to speak to about it. The early years of parenthood are notoriously difficult, and post-natal depression is really common. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you think your anxiety and depression is all coming from [name_f]Indy[/name_f]'s name, it can’t hurt to have someone professional to talk to about it. A GP can refer you under Medicare if cost is an issue.
Finally, it sounds like you have a name in mind that both you and your husband are happy with, which is great.
You mentioned that you don’t like any other full names for [name_f]Indy[/name_f] but, like @autumnreverie, I thought I might suggest a few more that might not have been as immediately obvious:
[name_f]Miranda[/name_f] ([name_f]Mindy[/name_f] -->[name_f]Indy[/name_f])
[name_f]Clarinda[/name_f]
[name_f]Lucinda[/name_f]
[name_u]Lindsay[/name_u]
[name_f]Rosalind[/name_f]
[name_f]Cynthia[/name_f] (via [name_f]Cindy[/name_f])
[name_f]Jacinda[/name_f]/[name_f]Jacinta[/name_f] ([name_f]Indy[/name_f] could shift to Inty? They sound quite similar)
Alinta (Inty)
Any name ending in an “inn” sound ([name_f]Catherine[/name_f]; [name_f]Corinne[/name_f]; some pronunciations of [name_f]Caroline[/name_f]/[name_f]Carolyn[/name_f], [name_f]Gwendolen[/name_f] etc)
I just want to take a moment to echo the sentiments of the previous posters – I won’t say much because they have said it all. Great advice and beautiful words of encouragement there. [name_f]Remember[/name_f] to show yourself love and respect and stop beating yourself up about this. If you are experiencing anxiety and depression, please talk with someone – there are so many ways it can be helped. You aren’t alone in this!
As for your daughter’s name, here are a few more thoughts….
You mentioned [name_f]Indie[/name_f] won’t work as a middle name since it rhymes with the first name you and your husband are now agreeing on. Would it bother you to move [name_f]Indira[/name_f] to the middle name spot? I know you still won’t love it, but it will help the issue of feeling like the name is being questioned all the time because people rarely talk about their middle names – it won’t come up nearly as much.
You could use one of the suggestions for alternative names (I’ve added some more ideas in a list below) that shorten to [name_f]Indie[/name_f] in the middle name spot – that way you can still use “[name_f]Indie[/name_f]” as a nickname around the house (probably wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to outsiders though, but that’s okay because they’ll be using her lovely new first name) as a shortened version of her middle name. So for example, let’s say your new pick for her first name is [name_f]Cecily[/name_f] – you could go with [name_f]Cecily[/name_f] [name_f]Miranda[/name_f] (“[name_f]Indie[/name_f]”) LastName.
Any combo of a first name with an “-in” sound and a middle name with a “dee” sound totally works – for example, [name_u]Carmen[/name_u] [name_u]Delaney[/name_u], [name_f]Corrine[/name_f] [name_f]Daisy[/name_f], [name_u]Brooklyn[/name_u] [name_u]Cassidy[/name_u], [name_u]Vivian[/name_u] [name_f]Melody[/name_f], etc. It might take a moment to explain to an outsider why little [name_u]Carmen[/name_u] goes by [name_f]Indie[/name_f], especially if they don’t know her middle name right off the bat, but it makes plenty of sense once you help them to draw the connection. And again, you don’t HAVE to use the nickname [name_f]Indie[/name_f] with anyone outside of the family if you don’t want to bother with the whole, “Well her first name is [name_u]Carmen[/name_u], but she goes by [name_f]Indie[/name_f] sometimes because…”
This is a little more out there, but still a valid option – you could go with a first name that starts with N and a middle name that starts with D – thus creating ND as the initials for the first and middle names – “[name_f]Indie[/name_f].” So for example, [name_f]Natalia[/name_f] [name_f]Daphne[/name_f] > ND > [name_f]Indie[/name_f]. Again, it might take a moment to explain to an outsider why little [name_f]Natalia[/name_f] goes by [name_f]Indie[/name_f], but it makes enough sense once you help them to draw the connection!
A few more full-name alternatives for using “[name_f]Indie[/name_f]” as a nn:
Thank you! I’m so grateful for your kind responses. I’ve been really concerned I’d get a bit of abuse on this subject, because I have read some really harsh things said to other mums. However, you have all been amazing and so kind. This has been really hard on me as I wanted so desperately to get this right and give her the best name I could and I have utterly failed and been powerless to do anything about it at all. I realise I’m being hard on myself, but it’s hard not to be at the moment! I feel like I am being listened to and reading things like this has made me feel a lot more positive overall.
I really love all your suggestions and am taking them all on board at the moment.
We are considering Indira as a middle name. However, I still love the name Indy so it’s not something I’m rushing into. Whatever we do, we will ensure that we make it a very gradual transition and combine Indy with her other name. I’m loving all your alternative suggestions, I love Clarinda as it’s more my style of name.
Thank you for your kindness.