Name regret 8 months in and feel stuck

Name Advice
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I need advice about my name regret for my daughter Sophie who is 8 months + 1 week.

Basically since the day she was born, I had a pit in my stomach about her name. Back story - we have a son named Jack. We were surprised with both kids genders, and for Jack we had picked out the name Sophie if he was a girl. It was a boy, Jack is a perfect fit for our son, and we LOVE the name.

While pregnant with our daughter, Sophie wasn’t even on our list. I still liked it, but I felt like I picked it for a different baby. Unfortunately, every name we liked felt like it was in use by someone already. Lucy, Molly, Annie, Claire, Maeve - all taken. We were pretty convinced it was another boy, who we would name Henry. For girls, we decided we’d do Madeline or Elizabeth, but honestly neither really felt like the one. Then about a month before my due date, I was like “what about sophie”? I just sort of felt like nothing else stuck. So we went into labor with Madeline or Sophie, and ultimately decided on Sophie.

My only hesitation about the name all along was it’s link to Sophia - a clearly well-loved name but one I just do not care for. I like sweet charming classic names (ideally with an irish flair yet still universal to go with a long italian-sounding last name), and Sophia feels more fancy and heavy than that. Plus we are not italian or greek, and it doesn’t flow with Jack (imo).

For some reason, I was able to look past the association during pregnancy - after all, my perception is that they are separate names with distinct styles (I don’t understand sophie as a nn for sophia, don’t come for me). Well, immediately after she was born I started to feel like she was basically just another sophia, and then people started to call her sophia by accident. I have been on and off spiraling over this for 8 months now.

Sometimes I am ok, reminding myself it’s not Sophia, it’s Sophie. But then someone mixes them up again and I start my spiral again. I am at the point where the names are one and the same for me because I’ve been so fixated on their relationship to one another. I realize this could be due to PPA/PPD, and this is what my anxiety is latching on to. But I genuinely don’t see a path forward where I’m 100% happy and in love with her name. Sophia is EVERYWHERE. I don’t see this issue resolving ever in her life - she will always get mixed up with sophia. What if some day she WANTS to be called sophia? That will really upset me.

The option of changing her name feels mortifying, and while I’d love to hear shared experiences and will hear anyone out, I really don’t know if I’ll be able to pull the trigger. If I could go back, I would have named her Lucy despite it being “off limits” (it is loosely off limits). Jack and Lucy are perfect sibset, and align with the sweet classic style I was after. Could any offer their insight? It’s difficult keeping this to myself.

For the record, my husband is very supportive but he does not feel the same way I do - the association doesn’t bother him and he still loves Sophie.

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One, I think [name_m]Jack[/name_m] and [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] are lovely, as are [name_m]Jack[/name_m] and [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]. Personally, I knew a girl called [name_f]Sophie[/name_f], and she never seemed to have a problem with it. Secondarily, I am often called a name that’s similar to mine, not even a variation of my name, just a similar one. It’s inevitable. Thirdly, she could grow up and choose to go by [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] no matter what her name is, so I wouldn’t discard [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] just for that reason. Honestly, for her, I think you could do it, I would be more worried about your son, and how he’d adjust to it. [name_f]Truly[/name_f], if you feel like your daughter is not [name_f]Sophie[/name_f], and that it’s really wrong for her, I’d say do it while they’re both younger rather than later. Good luck!

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I think you know the answer; Change her name. [name_m]The[/name_m] longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be to do, and the worse you’re going to feel. Assuming her other parent is on board, why not just start calling her [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] and see how it feels? [name_m]You[/name_m] can even introduce her as [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] in a low-stakes setting like a stranger asking her name. i’m betting you’re going to be much happier.

for what it’s worth , I love the name [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] but I love [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] too. And you’re ahead of the game because you have an alternate choice picked out!

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Okay as someone who experienced intense name regret that I’ve only recently reconciled I feel I can offer a lot of perspective.

My second daughter ended up with somewhat of a wildcard name when she was born when my husband unexpectedly vetoed the name we’d been using all pregnancy. [name_m]The[/name_m] name she got had been floated by I’d never seriously considered it for a child of my own.

I also felt the pit in my stomach from day 1 and it would’ve been around 8 months when O finally brought it up with my husband and said I can’t go on. At that time I also had found a name that felt perfect, that wasn’t on our original list but was the name of an important family member who passed prematurely. At that point we seriously considered changing it and looking back we absolutely could have at that point. In some states where we live (Aus) you have one free change before 12 months. Unfortunately in our state the cut off was 6 months, otherwise I think I might’ve had even more certainty to pull the trigger then. Unfortunately we did not go ahead with it as I was too worried about what people would think and how my older daughter would adjust.

I now think those fears were unfounded. Here is why. At 2 years old, just as she started talking (she was quite late to speak) she announced her name was this other name and not her birth name. [name_m]The[/name_m] very name we had nearly changed it to. My older daughter was completely unfazed and started calling her the new name. We told the family and they were much better about it that we imagined and said they would support what we felt was best. I decided to let it play out and if she still wanted to be called by the other name at the end of this year we would change it. Unfortunately, at some point, she changed her tune and went back to her birth name. I have come to terms with it.

I thought I would never feel okay about her name. But now she is nearly 3, I have learnt to love it as it is her. It absolutely suits her, even though the other name would’ve too. I think she will continue to grow into it and I will continue to learn to love it. I happen to be reading a book at present with a main character with her name (coincidence, but I find it helps). I also note famous people who share her name and try to find positive associations wherever I can.

TLDR; now is the time to change it, and you won’t regret it. [name_m]Name[/name_m] regret does not go away, it only lessens. [name_m]You[/name_m] may learn to love it, but trust your gut and go for it if you think a change is right.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this! I think that [name_f]Sophie[/name] is a lovely name with lots of good qualities, and matches nicely with [name_m]Jack[/name]. However, it sounds like her name has been causing you significant distress, and you already have another name picked out (and [name_f]Lucy[/name] is absolutely gorgeous), so I would encourage you to try calling her [name_f]Lucy[/name] for a while and see if that feels better, provided your husband is okay with it. Provided that makes you feel better, I definitely think you should change her name. Good luck and I hope you figure it out!

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This is a tough one – and I can feel just how stressed and upset this is making you.

Objectively, I think [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] is a lovely name - gentle yet sleek, sophisticated but approachable. It has quite a different feel to [name_f]Sophia[/name_f], and, like [name_m]Jack[/name_m], makes a well-rounded and versatile choice.

But it doesn’t feel right – and hasn’t ever seemed like the one.

I’d consider:

  • Is there a nickname you could use to change it up? [name_f]Sosie[/name_f], [name_f]Phee[/name_f], or even [name_f]Hope[/name_f] from the letters?
  • Try calling her [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]. How does it feel? (You could even make the transition gentle by doing [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] [name_f]Lou[/name_f] → [name_f]Lou[/name_f] → Lucy?)
  • Tentatively look at a few other names. Does [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] or [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] feel more right or less right than them?
  • Look up the process of a name change – it might help you decide if it does feel right?

Best of luck :heart:

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Both [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] and [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] are lovely with [name_m]Jack[/name_m]! I would start trying out [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] with new acquaintances and maybe some close family members. If it feels right, you can change it legally down the line. If you do plan to change it, now would be a good time to introduce her to the name [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] so she responds to it.

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[name_m]Name[/name_m] anxiety is common for women and I know mine was associated with PPA (and this general name nerd feeling that I could have chosen a dozen beautiful names). Seems to happen between 4-8 months.

But name regret is louder and more specific & sustained.

My take or leave it assorted thoughts:

  • [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] and [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] may get mixed up (my [name_f]Willa[/name_f] occasionally gets [name_f]Willow[/name_f]) but I know a [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] (nn [name_f]Phia[/name_f]) and [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] (nn [name_f]Soph[/name_f] or just [name_f]Sophie[/name_f]) and they are such different names to me. I think you should distinguish people hearing them as the same versus seeing them as the same (latter not likely)
  • I personally prefer the name [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] to [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] -probably doesn’t matter but I just find [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] warmer & more vibrant.
  • I love the idea of using a nickname like [name_f]Sosie[/name_f], [name_f]Suki[/name_f], Posy/Posie, [name_f]Phee[/name_f], or maybe [name_f]Pip[/name_f].
  • [name_m]Other[/name_m] names you might like (though not sure if more names helpful!): [name_f]Erin[/name_f], [name_f]Neve[/name_f], [name_f]Nora[/name_f], [name_f]Holly[/name_f], [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f], [name_f]Heidi[/name_f], [name_f]Bridget[/name_f], [name_f]Eve[/name_f], [name_f]Lara[/name_f], [name_f]Serena[/name_f] and I’d say [name_f]Sylvie[/name_f] but seems to be more around than [name_f]Sophie[/name_f].
  • My brother & his wife changed their son’s name when he was a few months old, and my aunt and uncle, my cousin when he was a tween. No one minded! I think it’s brought up once every few years to rib my brother bc he’s indecisive. But it’s absolutely worked out!
  • Would it be worth getting some support for anxiety, just to see if things look the same in a month or two?
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I really appreciate everyone’s kind responses. I unfortunately do happen to be someone who cares what others think. After all, the whole reason I have this regret is because of outside perception. I think it’ll be just as painful to call her [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] and be reminded of this mistake I feel responsible for. I just hope I can move past this extreme feeling and I don’t look back down the line and also regret not making the change

We do call her [name_f]Sosie[/name_f] at home. I just feel like that doesn’t help the issue of her being mistaken for [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] in the public. We have been calling her [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] the last 24 hours and it feels SO weird. I don’t know if that is a sign or if we should stick with it for a week before having a clearer view.

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[name_f]Sophie[/name_f] is a lovely, warm classic — and it does stand on its own apart from [name_f]Sophia[/name_f]. Eight months in is still so early, so there is plenty of time for it to settle and feel completely hers.

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Hi, I am so really sorry you are experiencing this regret. My answer to everything is joy… find the joy. It sounds so simple. For me it’s about getting very still and very close to your feelings and then being very brave. I understand you care what people think, so do I, but only from the people whom I respect.

I’m in Australia. I played tennis with an American woman c(20 yrs) some months back. She was delightful, with the name Fia, I said I’d not heard of it, so she explained it was short for Sophia, and she used the shortened version because she hated being called Sophie all the time or worse still Soph. It bothered her a lot, so I do believe there is some ground for the reverse to happen.

So my two cents worth :- Is there a name you and your husband think really suits your daughter? A new name, not something from your approved lists, as lovely as they are, something that seems quintessentially ‘her’. What a chance to give her that special name. It’s so all about her.

be brave, experience all the joy of your beautiful daughter,

Best wishes.

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I think it’s pretty natural that it feels weird. You’ve been calling her [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] for eight months, and are now trying to associate a different name with her. I feel like it’s normal for that to feel weird. In my teen years I went by a different name for a few years, then went back to my birth name, and yeah, the transition was weird, but it gets better.

I’d say, stick it out a little while longer, see it it starts to feel less weird, maybe a week or so down the line, [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] will feel right as rain. Maybe it won’t, and you’ll decide that [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] is right after all. Maybe after a week, you’ll decide neither name is right, and that’s alright. Good luck!

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I believe jack and sophie sound perfect together.

A lot of times people will associate the name jack with jackson or john ,even. But their names are [name_m]Jack[/name_m] and Sophie.And I think they work quite well together , and if I hear someone named sophie , I think sophie not sophia.

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[name_m]You[/name_m] did a great job choosing your daughter’s name. [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] is a wonderful choice and will serve your daughter well throughout her life, which is all any of us can hope for.

[name_m]Every[/name_m] person experiences errors, frustrations and inconveniences with their name, especially when making introductions in busy places with young children and people are half distracted. [name_m]The[/name_m] name is not the issue. [name_m]The[/name_m] thing that stands out to me from your post is your distress. I think your biggest priority right now has to be your well-being. Whether you work towards acceptance or another solution, I would strongly encourage opening up to a close friend who’s a good listener and somewhat removed from the situation, or a professional, to help you bear the burden. Journaling could also help get your feelings out.

I think there’s inherent tension with baby naming that stems from making a decision on someone else’s behalf. It’s both a privilege and responsibility. We get to choose a name that suits our preferences as parents, but the name is ultimately for our child’s benefit and ownership. We want to get it right and feel good about the decision, but as with any decision, there can be numerous factors to weigh up, conflicting priorities, and we only have a limited time to decide and no idea how our child will eventually feel about their name. All we can do is our best for the situation we are in. We can’t revisit the decision indefinitely, and over time we need to relinquish control and let our child make the name theirs.

Changing your daughter’s name may be emotionally fraught with feelings of guilt and shame as you’ve mentioned. It feels so significant to change your child’s name because not only is their name central to their identity and how they known and perceived, it also feels like it says something about you as parents. It’s tough either way.

I think I’d just take it day by day in terms of trying out [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] and assessing as you go. I’d suggest journaling or debriefing with your husband each night to help give you some clarity on where you’re both at. [name_m]You[/name_m] can stop at any time, or continue for as long as you feel it’s going well. [name_m]You[/name_m] could also take her out to a playground or play group where you would usually encounter difficulties with her name and see how that plays out with [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]?

[name_m]Name[/name_m] regret is often more about the circumstances surrounding the naming decision than the name itself. Neither you nor the name are at fault. Give yourself some grace and know that things will get better.

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Maybe because I love a lot of names, I’ve never believed in “the perfect name.” She’s the perfect baby no matter what her name is.

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Firstly congratulations!

UK perspective

[name_f]Sophia[/name_f] is a popular name ranking at #12 in the UK popularity charts with [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] ranking #48 so both are popular well established choices. Personally I wouldn’t muddle the names up they feel very different with [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] having a more cottagecore relaxed feel (similar to J@ck) whereas with [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] feels more elegant, with a pan European flair so I can see the difference. It’s a shame the names are muddled up and being are not respecting that [name_f]Sophia[/name_f] & [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] are different.

Still I think baby name regret especially within the first year of your child’s life is really common. I named my daughter [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] had decided her name before she was born yet after she was born I felt I made a mistake. I struggled with people mispronouncing her name, misspelling her name and as a result I felt awkward introducing her. As a new mum I felt I made a mistake renaming [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] her name what helped me was establishing a nickname which I felt comfortable using with the public. So she goes by [name_f]Lily[/name_f] a lot with the general public and as [name_f]Lily[/name_f] is so recognisable it’s made my life easier. Could you do something similar maybe use a nickname like Fi to have more distinction from the whole Sophie/Sophia debacle. I also created a pros and cons list so I could fully assess [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] and my thoughts surrounding the name. I would do a similar setup for [name_f]Sophie[/name_f] so you can fully understand the name and your thoughts surrounding [name_f]Sophie[/name_f]. Maybe also try out different names and which potentially you feel better work for your daughter. I would assess this whole situation until you feel more certain surrounding the name change which I did with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] and realised I chose the right name for her.

Honestly though I wouldn’t feel any sort of way about changing Sophie’s name it’s not embarrassing/awkward it’s completely fine to change her name so if you feel that’s right go for it.