My favourite girls’ name of all time, [name_f]Mary[/name_f], happens to be my mother’s name. I’m years away from having children, but ever since I was a little girl I’ve hoped I could name a daughter [name_f]Mary[/name_f] one day.
However, my mum (while being touched that I love her name) isn’t at all enthusiastic about having a grandchild given her name. She says that it would be confusing to have two [name_f]Marys[/name_f] in the family, and that my hypothetical daughter should have her own identity, rather than growing up with the same name as her grandma.
She wouldn’t object to my using [name_f]Maria[/name_f] or [name_f]Rosemary[/name_f], but I just don’t love those names the way I love [name_f]Mary[/name_f].
So I’ve heard the “worried it will cause confusion” argument before, and it doesn’t hold water for me. I just can’t imagine many scenarios where it would be unclear if people are talking to or about an infant/toddler/young girl or a grandma-aged person. And Grandma [name_f]Mary[/name_f] probably won’t go by [name_f]Mary[/name_f] to little [name_f]Mary[/name_f]. The name [name_m]David[/name_m] is repeated 5 times in my family and has caused surprisingly little confusion.
The “repeating a name means losing ones identity” argument also doesn’t work for me. Names are rarely, if ever, 1 of a kind, and yet we’re all thinking, feeling, flawed and complicated beings. A [name_f]Mary[/name_f] in 2018 or later is being born and named in an entirely different era and cultural/social context than her grandma. Meaning being a [name_f]Mary[/name_f] in the 50s/60s/70s probably was an entirely different experience than being a [name_f]Mary[/name_f] now. They will likely have entirely different experiences with their names.
My main concern is your mom’s lack of enthusiasm. Maybe her own name feels a bit old fashioned or lackluster since she’s lived with it everyday or maybe she doesn’t want you to feel locked into using her name later if she showed enthusiasm now, but if she seems legitimately uncomfortable with the idea, maybe reconsider. She doesn’t own the name but obviously she would be very involved with your daughter’s life and if she felt a twinge of discomfort or regret each time she heard your daughter’s name, that could be a problem.
That being said I’m sure she’d be very moved by the gesture and I think [name_f]Mary[/name_f] is so sweet and unexpected on little girls.
I do agree with your mother that it can get quite confusing. My brother and grandpa are both named [name_m]Nicholas[/name_m], and even though my grandpa died years ago it can still be quite confusing and sort of annoying (for my brother, at least.)
You should talk to your mother about exactly how much using her name would bother her. If she really dislikes the idea then you could make your daughter’s middle name or nickname [name_f]Mary[/name_f] and refer to her as that. It would still be her name, but she’d have another name to grow into as well and therefore her own identity (though I disagree with your mother on that one).
I do see your mom’s point. There are at least 3 [name_m]Williams[/name_m] and Jameses on my SO’s side and they all have the same nickname: [name_m]Bill[/name_m], [name_m]Jim[/name_m] or [name_u]Jay[/name_u]. I think it’s super annoying as I don’t know which [name_m]Bill[/name_m] or [name_m]Jim[/name_m] people are referring to a lot of the time.
[name_f]Mary[/name_f] is lovely and I think it’s great that you want to honor your mom. Would you settle for [name_f]Mary[/name_f] as a middle name?
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses! You’ve given me lots of food for thought. I think I will talk about it more with my mum and see how it goes.
There are three living women in my family with the same name (I’m one of them) and it never bothered us. I mean, I know who I am even if I share my name with my mother and my cousin. I don’t feel I’m anyone shadow or something like that. Maybe, if you name your daughter [name_f]Olivia[/name_f], there will be three more Olivias in her classroom. Does it mean she would feel less “important”? [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t think so.
If [name_f]Mary[/name_f] is the only name you like, go with it. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if your mother doesn’t like, because, at the end of the day, she’ll be your daughter and the only one that have to like her name 100% is you.
Using [name_f]May[/name_f] as a nickname for [name_f]Mary[/name_f] could cut some of the confusion.
In my circles it’s taboo and not done to name for someone who is living, we only name for those who have passed. If that’s any part of her equation, it should be taken into account.
In my family there are 4 named [name_m]Einar[/name_m] (plus 2 who have passed away), 3 named Baldvin (plus one who has passed away) and 2 named Sjöfn (My mom and second cousin plus my great grandmother who has passed away)
There has never been any confusion in my family, people go by nicknames or both first and middle name. It’s easy to avoid any confusion by doing that. I even plan on naming my future daughter after my mom.
In my family there are 4 named Ragnar (plus 2 who have passed away), 3 named Erikur (plus one who has passed away) and 2 named Bríet (My mom and second cousin plus my great grandmother who has passed away)
There has never been any confusion in my family, people go by nicknames or both first and middle name. It’s easy to avoid any confusion by doing that. I even plan on naming my future daughter after my mom
I don’t think it is a problem. She would be your daughter, and your mother may change her mind when the time comes. I intend to use names I know my family isn’t keen on - my brother thinks his name is overdone but I still plan on naming my first son after him (assuming, of course, I have a son in the future). If [name_f]Mary[/name_f] is the only name you truly feel that way about when the time comes, by all means use it.
If you are concerned, perhaps keep an open mind about other names? Keep exploring and you may come up with a few names for a shortlist.
In my family’s experience, honor names facilitate a special bond between the grandparent and the grandchild. It wasn’t confusing that my brother had the same name as my grandpa- my grandma had pet names for my grandpa that she would use when my brother was around to avoid confusion. Anyone else who was on a first name basis with my grandpa just wasn’t around all that often. He was Dad or grandpa or nickname and my brother used the first name.
I don’t think it’s a problem at all, in my experience it just means that in family settings or when your family are talking to others they might call one baby [name_f]Mary[/name_f] or whatever