[name_m]Hi[/name_m] all, just wanted your opinion on something - my cousin & childhood best friend, [name_f]Jessica[/name_f], died going on 13 years ago, I have recently found out that I’m having a girl so want to use [name_f]Jessica[/name_f] for one of her middle names, my mother seems to think I need to ask my aunt permission to use [name_f]Jessica[/name_f], I don’t really understand that or believe I should have to, she was my best friend & it’s not like we’ll be naming her [name_f]Jessica[/name_f] - what do you all think? My husband’s sister [name_f]Kristina[/name_f] died a few years back & we’ll also be using her name, he doesn’t think we need to ask his mother, he believes she would be honored that we want to use her name as a middle name - so which way do you think? [name_f]Do[/name_f] I need to ask permission or would it be an honor for us to want to name our daughter after our late family members? 
My first reaction was the same as yours: I personally wouldn’t feel the need to ask for permission.
However, I think it’s always best to be prudent and diplomatic to avoid hurt feelings and family disagreements. So if your mother feels really strongly that this is the way you should approach the issue with your aunt, maybe it’s best to follow her advice and contact your aunt before you announce your daughter’s name. After all, your mother probably knows your aunt better than you and may have a point.
I wouldn’t ask your aunt’s permission, per se: I don’t think she has the right to tell you not to use [name_f]Jessica[/name_f], especially as a middle. It’s your choice, and you have the right to honour a loved one. But I do think you can be considerate and gentle in the way you handle this. So I would contact her, not to ask “can I use it?” but to tell her something along the lines of “[name_f]Jessica[/name_f] was a very important person for me, and now that I’m having a daughter I’d like to use her name as a middle to honour her and remember her by. I hope that’s alright with you”. It’s more of a heads up than anything else, warns her in advance and allows her to come to terms with any feelings this may cause before she receives a birth announcement.
You could do the same with your mother in law, or just follow your husband’s advice. I thinkwith these matters it’s really personal. Maybe your aunt needs to know and feel like she was taken into consideration, and maybe your mother in law doesn’t. [name_m]Just[/name_m] do what feels right and what will cause the least trouble and hurt feelings.
I don’t think it is completely necessary to ask permission, but I would mention to [name_f]Jessica[/name_f]'s mom, not as much asking permission but just out of consideration.
I also don’t think you need to ask permission, but it would be a good idea just to let [name_f]Jessica[/name_f]'s mother know what you are going to do. Like mentioned above, if this is a sensitive topic with her, it gives her chance to come to terms with it or bring up any issues she may have. It’d just be thoughtful of you and I bet your aunt would appreciate it.
I agree with the above posters. I’m sure she’d be very touched and appreciative to be approached first, even though I’m sure she won’t have a problem with you using [name_f]Jessica[/name_f]'s name as a middle. If she does have a problem with it, it’ll be disappointing but at least you’ll know how she feels, and you can avoid shocking her or hurting her feelings.
Your mother might just be thinking of how your aunt would take it. It might still be painful for her, or maybe she’d prefer one of her grandchilden (I’m assuming Jessica wasn’t an only child, so…) to inherit the name. About your husband, it’s hard to tell whether his mom really would be honored (he would know his mother better than us forum posters), but then again maybe his well-intentioned idea might not be taken as well as he thinks. For instance, even if his mom seems to have moved on, she might not really have.
So I agree with all the other posters here. Go ask your aunt. Maybe ask your mom how best to approach her about it. With your husband’s mother, I think it’s better (though I realize I might just be over-cautious) to talk with your husband about it. Maybe you both can mention it to her casually (“Oh, by the way, we’re thinking of naming our daughter…”) and see how she reacts. That way, at least you have a heads-up instead of a possible awkward surprise when you announce the baby’s name.
I think it respectful to ask, especially when it is outside immediate family. I really don’t think you will be refused, I just think it is the most polite thing to do. I’m planning on a similar conversation with a family friend when we have children. A name we love was also the name of one of her children, my friend as a kid, and I would never use it without permission. I’m confident that we will be allowed to use it, but if she wants to keep it in her family I respect that.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] all, just wanted to give an update - mum told my aunt what I wanted to call my daughter that [name_f]Jessica[/name_f] will be one of her middle names & she was delighted, thanked me & said she couldn’t wait to meet her! So there was no need to worry! Thanks for everyone’s input.