This is really, really long”always is when I start to think about what to name an actual child unless I”m sure.
My husband and I have decided to pursue adopting a 4-year-old boy from Eastern Europe. He will be joining younger siblings [name]Hannah[/name] [name]Jane[/name] and [name]Peter[/name] [name]Sidney[/name] III (neither of whom are adopted). I can”t work out for sure what we will be calling him and naming him until we meet him, as I likely won”t find out his name before then. But I wanted to work on hammering out a philosophy of naming an older adopted child before we come to that point. DH and I haven”t discussed this yet, but I”m pretty sure he”d appreciate me thinking things out and getting feedback ahead of time. I know some people might come up with different philosophies even on the parts I feel strongly about, and I am not criticizing how anyone else chooses to name their adopted child(ren); so please don”t think that because my feelings are in one direction, I am attacking those who do the opposite (but you certainly can share if your philosophy is different.
Here are the parts I am sure of:
I do not want to take away any of the names he already has. At four he knows himself by his name. His first name, middle name (if he has one), and last name are part of his identity and heritage and the only things belonging to him he will keep, so I want him to be able to keep them. Depending on his preference, the names, and what we plan to call him, the order of these might vary.
I want him to have a name we have given him. It doesn”t have to be his first name, but I feel that it”s important for us as his parents to give him a name when he joins our family. [name]Even[/name] if we love the name he already has, I would want to do this. That does mean he will have a minimum of four names. While my preference would be for first-middle-last, my reasons for wanting him to have a name from us and keep his names outweigh that preference. I already have a III, so ease of paperwork is not a factor in my decision.
I want his new full name to flow as well as possible. This trumps keeping his original name in a certain order, and depending on the circumstances, it may trump whether what we generally will call him is a form of his first name. We considered calling our lttlest [name]Sidney[/name], so I”m not really attached to the first-name-first thing (but it is a preference). I expect that I would often use at least some of his middle names in combination with his first name, as [name]Hannah[/name] is [name]Hannah[/name] [name]Jane[/name] 10-25% of the time and [name]Peter[/name] is [name]Pete[/name] [name]Sid[/name] or sometimes [name]Peter[/name] [name]Sidney[/name] around 50% of the time (when I don”t just call him Boy). So in our family, a middle name isn”t just filler or incidental, it”s a part of the name we use. Since he will have a multicultural name”after all, he”ll be multicultural”I”m okay with the fact that his name might seem to clash a little on that front. His ability to retain his name and connection with his culture is not set in stone.
What I”m not completely sure of:
What do you think of family names for an adopted child from the adoptive family? My daughter”s middle name is a 4th-generation middle name in my direct line and was a first name before that. [name]Peter[/name]”s name”s family connection is pretty obvious (and his grandfather was named for an uncle in part). Family names are important to me, and I like family names. But I also read somewhere that some people don”t like to give family names to adopted children, because it feels like trying to force a connection, especially when the family member never met the adopted child. The argument for a family name helping to reinforce he is part of our family and matching that aspect of his sister and brother”s names, though, seems stronger to me. I am hoping his given name will already be a form of one of my family names, and kind of let me off the hook here. Then the name we give him could be a Biblical name we love and he would still have a family name that was a neat coincidence. Thoughts on family names in adoption? Family names I might consider are [name]George[/name], [name]Alfred[/name], [name]John[/name], [name]Ernest[/name], [name]Benjamin[/name], [name]Mark[/name], [name]Vincent[/name], [name]James[/name], [name]Jesse[/name], or maybe [name]Gary[/name].
Name translation: I feel fairly comfortable using an ethnic name for a child of that ethnicity, so I don”t think I would have a problem with it if my son”s name were Yevheniy or Alyksandr (just for examples from his culture). However, I wonder if our son would be better served by translating his name to make it easier for others to spell and pronounce. Or, he could use a nickname form which is easier to say and spell almost exclusively (like [name]Gene[/name] or [name]Sasha[/name] or [name]Lex[/name]). Also, I don”t know if I want him to lose the original spelling”if he were Yevheniy but we gave him the legal name of [name]Eugene[/name], has he lost the right to ever use Yevheniy? It definitely would be weird to have both Yevheniy and [name]Eugene[/name] as parts of his name. One way to solve this might be keeping the original spelling but putting his American name first legally”so he might be [name]Mark[/name] Yevheniy, but not go by [name]Mark[/name]. Then he could go by [name]Eugene[/name], [name]Gene[/name], or Yevheniy without necessarily having to constantly spell a name that would be foreign to most of the people around him. I also would hate to have it assumed that a very legitimate ethnic name (like Alyksandr) was a tryndeigh made-up spelling, but that just might be a matter of me needing to swallow my namegeek pride. If the name were simple and somewhat familiar, like [name]Anton[/name] or [name]Yuri[/name], I don”t think there”d be an issue just going with it”I wouldn”t feel like it would have to be [name]Anthony[/name] or [name]George[/name]. Although I think that he should have some input too, I don”t know if a four year old is old enough to think all that through”let alone to understand the explanation through a language barrier.
I don”t know whether we would call him by his original given name or the new one we give him. What his preference is would definitely be an issue here”I wouldn”t start calling him exclusively by his new name unless he wanted that. I have heard of some adopted children being excited about a new name, so it is a possibility. Also, if what we start calling him by is very ethnic-sounding, he might decide to go by a middle name which is more American-sounding later on anyway. There also might be advantages to his first name being one that is easily recognized, pronounced, and spelled by Americans even if it is not what he always or usually goes by”it could be helpful in applying for jobs, just getting through forms, etc. If his legal first name were [name]James[/name], he could just go with that when working with bureaucracy or on a job application and explain that he went by Bohuslav to friends or coworkers later.
I would also consider the possibility of making the name he was listed online by part of his legal name. People have been praying for him by this name for many years. It is not my style at all, but I am growing to like it”I can make a spiritual meaning for it. [name]Hannah[/name] is calling him by this name, though I”ve explained it isn”t his real name and we don”t know what it is. I kind of like the idea of adding it in, but 5 names is a lot, and I”m not sure if it would be weird to make a pseudonym part of his real name. On the other hand, it feels like in a way it is his name too, so why not make it official? I went to high school with a girl who had 5 names, and each of her sons now has 5 as well, so I assume she”s not completely traumatized by it.
Thanks for any help, advice, thoughts!