[name_f]My[/name_f] sister is expecting a baby girl and wants to name her [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u]. [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] is my sisters middle name and she has always liked it. [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] is also the name of my cousins stillborn daughter who was born about 10 years ago. I don’t think my cousin knew it was my sisters middle name at the time.
[name_f]My[/name_f] sister has not asked my cousin if it is ok if she names her new baby the same name as my cousins stillborn daughter. [name_f]My[/name_f] sisters POV is that [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] was her middle name first and she loves the name. Also, my cousins other daughter (stillborn daughters sister) also wants to use the name [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] if she ever has a daughter.
What do you think? Should I tell my sister to use a different name or just keep out of it? What other names, if any, could I suggest to use instead?
This is a difficult situation and I’m sorry to hear about your family’s loss . Personally, I think if your sister has her heart set on [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u], she should be able use it. It is her own middle name, after all, so there is a personal connection separate from your cousin’s daughter. I might ask your sister if she would consider [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] as her daughter’s middle name instead, but I wouldn’t tell her to drop the name altogether.
However, I would definitely advise your sister to privately give a gentle heads up to your cousin that she plans to use this name for her daughter before she announces the name publicly. I think it would be an upsetting shock for your cousin to see your sister’s birth announcement for a little [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u], and your sister talking to your cousin about it first (not necessarily asking her permission, but acknowledging her connections to the name with an explanation from your sister of how she really wants to pass on her middle name as her daughter’s first name) would be a respectful way of handling it.
Wow… I would be very upset if I were your cousin and your sister did this. It’s a very insensitive thing to do. While you can’t make the decision for her, I would probably try to convince her not to use it, and prepare her for your cousin to potentially have a very bad reaction. Is she prepared for that and is the name worth losing that relationship? Not to mention, the name [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] is controversial in general and many people believe it shouldn’t be used anyway because of the connection to the Native American tribe and that it can be seen as disrespectful to use the name if you have no connection to the tribe.
There are a lot of names she could use instead to honor her middle name without actually using the name [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u]. I would suggest names like [name_u]Shy[/name_u], [name_u]Shay[/name_u], and basically any [name_u]Anne[/name_u] name.
She has every right to use the name, especially since it’s her middle name, but a tactful “heads up” to the cousin (by her or someone else close to the cousin) would be respectful. Most people are not mean spirited and would understand that she is naming her baby with her own middle name.
It’s her own middle name, she can definitely use the name. But as others have said, a gentle heads up to your cousin, informing her that she’s planning on using the name and not intending to cause any offence, would be nice. Would want the wording to be careful - not asking permission to use the bame, but also not angry or defensive about it. [name_m]Just[/name_m] calm and confident while also empathetic/caring?
Everybody’s family dynamic is slightly different, but from the info provided I would say… Its her name, and she has every right to use it and so does your cousins daughter. [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] isnt a particularly rare name. If I were your sister and if I knew I would be spending lots of time with this cousin and my newborn [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u], and I knew this would be a triggering thing for her. I would give her a heads up that we were planning on using the name so she had time to work her way through it. But people handle the trauma of stillbirth differently, it might not be super triggering for her.
I would also say, with as much tact as possible, this is between your sister and your cousin. I would let them handle it and not stir the pot beyond suggesting nicely that your sister might want to talk to your cousin.
Yenno a lot of ppl tend to be touchy on this subject but tbh I’d use it if that’s what she wants.
A good way to go about it would be to pull the cousin aside and let her know that she will be named that bc it’s her middle name and that she just wanted to give her a heads up so she didn’t think she was being disrespectful over her baby.
I think you can only advise your sister to at least mention it to your cousin. Since it’s your sister’s middle, it’s obviously important to her too, but I do think it would be kind to at least raise it with your cousin so she knows it’s happening.
Alternatively, you could gently put forward the possibility of your sister using [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] as a middle, so the name matches with hers but baby has a first name of her own? [name_u]Or[/name_u], another gentle suggestion, like, wouldn’t it be sweet if baby’s name matches yours, but is like, a spin - maybe [name_u]Shay[/name_u] [name_f]Annabel[/name_f]? [name_u]Skye[/name_u] [name_u]Anne[/name_u]? [name_u]Chesney[/name_u]? just to put some new possibilities in her head.
Dont tell your sister what to do because she is extra emotional right now and will likely and understandably get defensive.
Your sister has a right to and good reason to use the name and should not be denied it. This does not mean however you are wrong to consider your cousin! Quite the contrary.
Not that time changes anything in respects to loss of a child, however your cousin has had ample time to grieve and heal -again, not that that will ever end for her unfortunately, but it would be different if it was a very recent loss.
Out of respect for your cousin, your sister should consider reaching out ahead of time perhaps so as to not catch your cousin off guard upon the baby’s birth and even give her time to get used to the idea. And if your cousin doesn’t like it, well your sister can’t help that and at least your sister tried. I think it’s possible to for your sister to maintain empathy for the cousin and still honor her own middle name at the same time. If the cousin didnt take to the idea well it doesnt automatically mean your sister needs to change the name necessarily. The thing she wouldn’t want to do is get angry, spiteful or defensive with your cousin. A simple “i understand your feelings, im sorry you feel that way. This is something I still feel I need to do and I hope in time you will change your mind. Please know hurting you is not my intention.” And it may be that the cousin just needs some time and eventually she will come around.
Its a lot about the approach. Both in how you approach your sister and how she approaches the cousin. If someone approaches your sister in a way where she is feeling forced to give something up that she feels so deeply connected to she will lose sight of the empathy for your cousin and focus on defending herself instead. If she approaches your cousin out of love and respect and not resentment your cousin may be more receptive to the idea. Perhaps your sister could not only be naming her baby after her middle name but also to honor the memory of your cousins baby. This could also be said after the baby’s birth if your sister isn’t ready to do beforehand.
It is probably best that your sister deliver the message herself and not get too many family members involved and instilling their opinions on anyone.
This is all very delicate so you would be best to not get too involved and not get yourself into a place where you can be accused of taking sides. A gentle conversation and sharing of ideas coming from a helpful place would be good. If its not well received then take a step back, it’s not your fight to fighr.
What happened to your cousin is tragic. However this is a very special time in your sister’s life and it sounds like something she has liked forward to for a really long time. She deserves to be able to name whatever she wants especially since it is not just any name but a name she wants to share with her baby.
As for the other person in the family who wants to use the name, why should they be prioritized over your sister? And why can’t she still name her baby Cheyenne. So what if it’s two people in the same family with the same name? That happens all the time and the kids may even like it. If that other relative isn’t even pregnant yet well how is anyone to know if she will even ever have a girl?
Regardless, honoring that baby doesn’t have to be limited to only one person in the family. And if the message comes from a place of love, not competion, then hopefully everyone is opened minded enough to see it all as a good thing. And if they don’t, well you or she can’t help that. And don’t tell the cousin yourself! It should come from your sister. And don’t talk about it much if at all with other family members.
personally, I would stay out of it. This is between your cousin and sister. It’s your sister’s middle so yes, she should be able to use it, but it isn’t anyone’s place to comment on the situation.
I feel bad for your sister because she should get to use a name that she has loved for a long time.
However, we aren’t dealing with two cousins sharing a name. We’re dealing with the name of a deceased child. That changes the dynamic drastically. Friends of ours used a name we liked for a few years for their baby, who ended up being stillborn. We still liked the name but there is no way in h*ll I would be able to live with myself for them having to associate that name, and use that name, for my child.
I think gently nudging your sister to at least approach your cousin with this would be a good idea. Then stay out of it. It is a sensitive topic and time doesn’t magically make your cousin’s loss any less horrible…
I think it depends a little bit on how close your sister is to the cousin. If the cousin won’t be seeing her daughter on any regular basis, I would definitely side with your sister. If they will be interacting regularly, I think it’s a bit more of a grey area but I do think your sister can choose to use [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] given it is her own middle name. I agree that she should let the cousin know ahead of time. I don’t think the cousins daughter’s hypothetical desire to use [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] needs to be factored in because she could still use [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] someday even if your sister uses it now. Some similar suggestions would be [name_f]Shyla[/name_f] or Shyler.
. Personally, I think if your sister has her heart set on [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u], she should be able use it. It is her own middle name, after all, so there is a personal connection separate from your cousin’s daughter. I might ask your sister if she would consider [name_u]Cheyenne[/name_u] as her daughter’s middle name instead, but I wouldn’t tell her to drop the name altogether.