OK, I know it’s not really aggression as such because she is too young to understand that you can hurt others and of course it is more of a game/experiment at this age, but my 15-month-old is getting into behaviours like hair-pulling, scratching and pinching. I’ve never seen her do it to another child - only to us her parents. I suppose because she feels safe and confident experimenting on us, but I want her to stop and I don’t want it to spread to other targets, like the kids at her playschool.
I tend to say ‘ow’ (mostly involuntarily, because it hurts!) and then put her down if she’s in my lap and look away from her for like 30 seconds so she sees it gets her less of my attention but, I don’t know, it’s not really working that well. She has started saying ‘ow’ herself before she does it, just like she says ‘datt’ (fell) before she drops something on the floor.
I’m sure there are parents here who have been through this stage - any good tips you can share for strategies to cut this behaviour out of her repertoire early?
ETA: This is not associated with negative emotions or lack of attention or anything. It typically occurs when I am right there playing with her or reading to her and we are having a good time. She just thinks it’s fun.
My daughter (14 months) doesn’t do this to us (yet) but she definitely pushes our limits when it comes to our dog. She will look right at us and start hitting the dog on the back, then look at us again and do it harder and more wildly, all the while looking at us. We will go over to her and hold her hand and show her how to pet the dog and say “nice hands”. She gets the hang of it right away and then will start petting the dog normally. This only lasts for that specific time though, she definitely will start the cycle all over again a few hours later.
It is reassuring that she picks right back up on the “nice hands” thing though… that would be my only advice I guess, but like I said, she hasn’t ventured into the realm of doing this to us yet!
Not a parent… but my Dad has a thing that seems to work when little people get too big for their boots lol. When a little one does something wrong, he takes them on his lap, hold their hand tightly in his (gets their attention more than anything, because they have to sit still), and explains why it was not okay to do that. He usually says “if you are going to be good, you can get down, but if you do it again then you’ll have to sit on my lap”.
I watched it with my little nephew. He nodded and got down, then did whatever it was again, so Dad picked him up (with much squawking and wriggling) and sat him in his lap again, holding his hands. He sat in Dad’s lap for 5 minutes or so, and then went on his merry way and was fine.
I think this works because the child sees that the parent is in control, without it being violent or being yelled at. The adult is simply saying “let’s talk about why this isn’t good” rather than being negative (“you bad boy!”) The lack of violence stops the child from becoming defensive, because they are being talked to as equal, not told off as inferior.
If your little one doesn’t respond to you not giving her attention as a form of disciple, then maybe giving her attention is the answer - talk to her about why it is not okay to act that way to another person. It sounds like your little miss is mostly just testing her boundaries. It’s hard when they are little, especially if she just thinks she’s being funny. Have you tried the “gentle hands” technique with her??
Yes, we do the ‘gentle/nice hands’ thing as well. We do the Icelandic version but I am pretty sure I know what you are talking about and that it’s the same thing. We say ‘aaaah’ and guide her hands to stroke our arms/faces gently. Sometimes it works and she gets lots of praise. Sometimes she goes ‘AAAAH’ and does sort of the same action but very vigorously so that now she’s hitting us. Not quite what we had in mind, haha!
But yes, modelling gentle behaviour is a good idea. I suppose it will just take a while for her to really ‘get it’.
She usually wants to sit on laps and is not yet a big one for being desperate to go off and be busy by herself. She’ll do it, but gladly takes the chance to sit with someone instead, so I’m not sure this would be effective. But I’ll give it a go. I already give her simple explanations sometimes like ‘that hurts, it’s not kind to hurt people’, but at her age it’s not easy to see how much she understands when I talk like that
You’re doing the right things. It just takes lots of time and lots of practice.
My daughter used to push babies at the YMCA childcare when she was not even two years old. She’s a nice kid now. Makes me laugh a little to think about it. It’s such an experimental time for them.
@jackal - my daughter is doing the same things now, with the pinching and trying to bite, only with Mommy and Daddy too. [name_f]Glad[/name_f] to hear that we are all going thru similar struggles. One day they will catch on. We do the same gentle hands things and just reiterate over and over again that it’s not nice every single time.
It’s annoying, but testing boundaries is a normal part of toddler development. Their job is to push, and our job is to keep our cool! I find [name_f]Janet[/name_f] Lansbury’s books and blogs really helpful on this issue.
I used to work in a daycare classroom full of children from 15 months to 2 years, and three of the children in the class did the same thing. There wasn’t a whole lot we could do, because children don’t really understand the difference between exploration and pestering (for lack of a better term). Toddlers are always testing boundaries, I’ve learned, and it’s hard to explain to them sometimes that what they are doing is not appropriate/acceptable behaviour. Normally, they grow out of a pinching/hair pulling/etc phase within a month or two, but, what I used to do when I ran into this situation at work, was, after they pinch/bite/hair pull/etc, firmly, yet calmly, tell them no, it’s not ok to pinch, and repeat it every time they do this. Eventually, they’ll understand that it’s not ok to do it. It may take a little longer though, because your daughter is only 15 months old, but consistency is key in these situations.
Another thing I learned, is that, if they cannot see it or reach it, they’ll give up trying - so if hair pulling is an issue, try keeping your hair pulled back or up, away from her reach. My hair is shoulder length and I had to keep it up in a topknot or high ponytail to prevent the children in my classroom from pulling my hair.
As for biting, I know that my sister went through a stage where she would only bite me (I’m older by 3.5 years and loved being with my little sister, so I suppose I was her nearest target at the time?) and I used to pretend to cry when she did, so she’d realise that it made me upset. I think she was about 2 years old at that point though, so this might not work for you yet.
My hair is pretty short (too short to tie up, really) and her father’s is even shorter, and his beard shorter still but she still enjoys pulling what she can get her hands on! She is definitely too young for fake crying - I have done it a couple of times and she either doesn’t buy it and finds it funny or she does buy it and gets extremely upset and starts crying herself. So I don’t do that anymore! I think even I will really try to stop vocalising pain/surprise at all because I think it’s been counter-productive (with her saying ‘ow’ herself, it’s clear she sees it as a fun game).
It is hard to know how to deal with a child too young to understand why something is not good behaviour, but you have all given me good ideas and it’s also nice to feel the support from people who’ve been there, done that, or are going through the same thing. I feel like the baby stage was easy enough, just keeping her alive and loved basically, and now the real parenting is starting!
