[name_f]Apolline[/name_f] is 5, she’s been in full time school since [name_f]September[/name_f], starting just a few days after her 5th birthday so she’s the oldest in her year at school, which I had thought would be an advantage for her.
She has recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism, and she has a lot of trouble socially and isn’t enjoying school. She cries almost every morning because she doesn’t want to go, sometimes we have full meltdowns and they’re so mentally and physically exhausting on her and me.
Kids just don’t talk to her at school - I’ve seen her try to conversate but her social skills aren’t great. It We’ve also had some problems with her behaviour at school and she told me a boy she tried to talk to said that his Dad said he isn’t allowed to play with her because she’s a bad girl.
I have a friend who has a daughter in the same class and we were talking a little about [name_f]Apple[/name_f]'s lack of friends and she told me how many parties her daughter had been invited to this year, and it broke my heart because [name_f]Apple[/name_f] has had none at all.
I am at a loss. She wants friends but I don’t know how to help her get them. I’m going to talk to her teacher this week and see if we can come up with something to help her out a little, but I also know you can’t force kids to be friends.
Any advice? Or experience? I wouldn’t know what to do, but I can’t take her crying in the mornings anymore. I always feel so guilty taking her to somewhere where she isn’t 100% happy.
First off, your kids have absolutely gorgeous names.
I work with kids age 2-5 in a preschool class and run an after school and summer program for my preschoolers and kids 5-12. I have 1 HFA student, another with a sensory processing issue and several with severe anxiety. My son is ADHD and struggles socially. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have a plan in place with the school to address the needs for her HFA? Not sure where you live - in my area we have IEP and 504 plans, they are set up through the school counselor and reviewed every year. [name_u]Aspen[/name_u] and Jonquils advice is spot on. [name_f]Apple[/name_f] will need coaching from you to understand what is going on with the other children in her class. You can start role playing with her, she stays her and you play as another student, so she can learn how to progress a conversation, how to accept rejection, how to share her interests. Talking with her teacher is a good idea, as well. She can help pair up [name_f]Apple[/name_f] with someone for a partner activity that shares a common interest. The behavior issue is hard to navigate without specifics, but I know in that younger age group sometimes adults read kids wrong, and just don’t get what might actually be going on and figure out how to address the need that is causing the behavior. All I can say is try to see what need is being unmet that is the root cause. For any kid, HFA or not, it can be something super random, but once you figure it out it just clicks and isn’t an issue anymore. Could be as simple as asking a question over giving a command, or offering fewer choices to avoid overwhelming, or allowing a process modification to an activity to better suit the child. We do this all the time in our room and unfortunately it does take time to figure all those idiosyncrasies out.
My cousin went through a similar experience with her daughter. We suspect she has ADHD as she struggles to stay still, gets angry quite easily etc. She was branded as “badly behaved”, didn’t have any friends and was like your daughter in the respect that she tried to make friends but couldn’t. My cousin ended up moving her to a different school and now she’s so much better. She is still “badly behaved” in lessons but has lots of friends and enjoys school. I know that this probably isn’t an option/wouldn’t work for you as autism is very different to ADHD, but I just wanted to share a similar experience to show that things can get better. Hopefully speaking with the school will help the situation. Maybe you could also speak with other parents so that they know she isn’t just badly behaved? That way, their children might be more inclined to make friends with her if they’re not being told not to.
Though I don’t have experience as a parent of an autistic child the past five years I’ve worked with autistic and other special needs children in a classroom setting. And like you’ve mentioned there’s no way to force friendships, however in a classroom, what I’ve found to be most helpful (especially with autistic children) is to give them a routine and stick to it as much as possible, maybe even give her a visual schedule so she can start to keep herself on routine. I’ve found too much unstructured socialization or playtime really ups their anxiety level because they don’t know how to socialize yet, it’s something that doesn’t come naturally and they need to learn how to do it like you would teach any other skill. Another thing that has really helped in class especially with behaviors is to give them their own designated space, where if they are feeling overwhelmed they can go to isolate and desensitize until they are ready to participate again. And then for socialization and making them feel a part of the class often times we will give them a specific job in the class that allows them to help the other students like ‘supply passer-outer’ or ‘door holder’, something that is structured, they feel secure in, but is still helpful to their peers so it’s a positive experience for them and the kids in class. And lastly I don’t know if this is possible especially since you’re not the teacher, but a lot of times preschool has a lot of unstructured play time and if there was a way to add structure to it like have centers with only so many kids at a time, or maybe even just having one quiet center set up where there’s less noise and outside stimulation that might help relieve some stress and anxiety for her. And then as a teacher I would assign 1-2 students who I knew were quiet and calm to be in [name_f]Apolline[/name_f]’s ’center group’ to promote socialization and play without over stimulating her…
Sorry for such a long post but hopefully it’s a little helpful to you…(P.S. I [name_u]LOVE[/name_u] the name [name_f]Apolline[/name_f])
Though I don’t have experience as a parent of an autistic child the past five years I’ve worked with autistic and other special needs children in a classroom setting. And like you’ve mentioned there’s no way to force friendships, however in a classroom, what I’ve found to be most helpful (especially with autistic children) is to give them a routine and stick to it as much as possible, maybe even give her a visual schedule so she can start to keep herself on routine it allows them to feel that they have some control over their environment and less surprise as to what to expect next. I’ve found too much unstructured socialization or playtime really ups their anxiety level because they don’t know how to socialize yet, it’s something that doesn’t come naturally and they need to learn how to do it like you would teach any other skill. Another thing that has really helped in class especially with behaviors is to give them their own designated space, where if they are feeling overwhelmed they can go to isolate and desensitize until they are ready to participate again. And then for socialization and making them feel a part of the class often times we will give them a specific job in the class that allows them to help the other students like ‘supply passer-outer’ or ‘door holder’, something that is structured, they feel secure in, but is still helpful to their peers so it’s a positive experience for them and the kids in class. And lastly I don’t know if this is possible especially since you’re not the teacher, but a lot of times preschool has a lot of unstructured play time and if there was a way to add structure to it like have centers with only so many kids at a time, or maybe even just having one quiet center set up where there’s less noise and outside stimulation that might help relieve some stress and anxiety for her. And then as a teacher I would assign 1-2 students who I knew were quiet and calm to be in [name_f]Apolline[/name_f]’s ’center group’ to promote socialization and play without over stimulating her…
Sorry for such a long post but hopefully it’s a little helpful to you…(P.S. I [name_u]LOVE[/name_u] the name [name_f]Apolline[/name_f])
There are some great ideas here. She’s a very affectionate little one, but she shows it a bit forcefully sometimes. She likes hugging her siblings and when she does make friends she likes to hug them and not give them much space. That is something we’re working on and something she has gotten better at but I know she does struggle with how to show affection and friendliness without being that forceful so we’ll continue to work on that so she has new methods of communication in regards to friendships. I’m okay with her squeezing me so tight it almost hurts and showering me in kisses but I’m not sure her classmates are.
She is shy but I think she has lost her confidence through being the outcast, so I don’t think she tries as much as she did to begin with and I think that’s a huge part of her problem, unfortunately. She’s so kind and curious and she’s really funny, but I don’t think her classmates know a lot about her as she’s so quiet there now. I’m sure if she came out of her shell again and spoke about things she likes, she would find some like minded kids but it’s just giving her the confidence to do so.
There’s no plan in place as of now, we’re in the process of applying for a EHCP (Education, Health and Careplan). That could still get rejected though so it’s just a case of waiting and I’ve heard it could take up to 20 weeks. As she isn’t statemented just yet we haven’t really been able to access any extra support minus a TA but she isn’t 1:1. I don’t really think she needs full time 1:1 as she does okay academically, just struggles with her behaviour and concentration (which I think are related), but even just a few hours a week would make a difference. If they do think she’ll benefit from full time 1:1 though, I won’t be opposed. They know her classroom manner better than I do!
I’m going to see her teacher tomorrow - I haven’t had time this week, but hopefully we’ll be able to come up with something. Something like a buddy system would be great for her as she wouldn’t have to make the first move to go to interact with them and she wouldn’t really have any other choice. It is also World Book [name_u]Day[/name_u] tomorrow and she loves books, so I’ve been encouraging her to talk to her classmates if she recognises any of their costumes. Hopefully that will be enough of a conversation starter for her.
Good luck to you and her! I’m glad things are progressing in a good direction.
Reminding my students that we must ask to give affection is something we do every day. It’s an early lesson on consent and personal boundaries, and when I became a teacher I realized just how physically affectionate I’ve always been with my 2. It required some learning for me as well, because not all children can be soothed with a hug or appreciate an affectionate hair ruffle. I don’t chastise children if they come up and give me a hug, but I gently remind them that we must ask for permission, and give them the chance to try it again. Watching them ask each other for permission to hug at goodbyes is so heartwarming. We also talk about no kisses at school, because those are for at home with our families. So with a little practice, I’m sure [name_f]Apple[/name_f] will get the hang of it just fine
Keep us posted - I for one feel invested in her success ”
