Non judgemental parenting advise

[tori101]

Hello berries

I feel terrible

As you know I’m on my own with my little one and my family have been visiting relatives in Tel [name_u]Aviv[/name_u] with [name_u]Joseph[/name_u] being in Uganda so for the last couple of weeks I’ve been on my own with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f].

I’ve had terrible PMS this week my period has been ridiculously heavy I feel so uncomfortable, stressed, tired and in pain.

Anyways I’ve found parenting VERY hard. I’ve found myself shouting at [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] treating her horribly I’ve been swearing, complaining about her to people and shouted at her saying she was acting like a brat for refusing to nap. I feel terrible and it’s so out of character I love being with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] she’s my favourite person. I apologised to her but I feel so guilty crying hysterically feeling like a hideous parent. I’m just getting so angry!!! Should I speak to my GP? I dunno I’m at loss.

So I thought I’d turn to this truly wonderful community for some parental advise on how to handle the urge to shout

Thank you

[tori101]

@DropOfsunlight honestly this really heartbreaking to read that you don’t love your mother due to the environment and how it feels how that mirrors mine with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] today. I agree I don’t want it snowball either as I feel so guilty as well. I have looked into parental courses and completed some online stuff during [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] nap it’s basic stuff I know and do it’s just inconsistent currently which I need to improve on. I know when I get triggered as well and start shouting it’s when I’m tired but I don’t know how to carve out time for myself so I can get over the tiredness and be on top form.

[snowmaiden]

For what it’s worth, I certainly don’t think the hard patch you’re going through right now will cause [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to not love you anymore. Sure, sustained years of strain and anger and pain mag well rift a relationship… but I don’t think you’re near there yet at all! You’re not a hideous parent for having hiccups, even big ones as you’ve been experiencing recently.

They say the hardest step is realizing you need help—and I’ve always found that true. You’re realizing and admitting to the fact that there’s a current pattern in your behavior that you aren’t happy with, and that’s a major step in the right direction for you and for [name_f]Lilia[/name_f]! These matters sound like one’s worth chatting with a doctor (PMS, specifically, if you feel that’s something new or strange you’d like some guidance on) and/or a therapist! Therapy is a magical tool. A fully non-judgemental, confidential, and productive place to share, workshop, and ask questions can be hugely helpful. If your insurance or finances should allow it—I, as someone who regularly sees and adores her therapist, would like to highly recommend seeking one’s assistance through this terrain!

Another suggestion, too: if your financial situation allows, perhaps a babysitter for a day or two a week, or ever other week—even just for two or three hours, as many or as few as would allow you a break to run errands or take some you time how you choose—could help ease the load.

Give yourself and [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] grace. The same way as you don’t mean to be cross with her, she doesn’t mean to upset you. We’re all only human, right?

[EagleEyes]

I’m sorry you’re going through this!

I’m not a parent, but I will say that one thing I appreciated my parents doing was when they lost their temper, they always apologized, which it sounds like you’re doing! I know [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] is still very young but an apology and explanation always helped me. Something like “I’m so sorry I lost my temper, I’m very tired and feeling sick so I’m in a bad mood and I’m also missing (insert relatives who are out of town) this week. You know I love you so so much and I really didn’t mean to take this out on you” would probably be understandable – little kids of course understand that it’s not fun to feel sick!

Also, I think the fact you feel so worried and guilty about it is honestly just a sign of how much you love and care for your daughter. If you think you might benefit from talking with a therapist or counselor, then I do think reaching out to your GP about organizing that would be beneficial. I also want to second the idea of finding a babysitter or reaching out to friends you would trust with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f], and taking some time to rest and “refill your battery”.

[bemiranda]

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] there
I am a parent, who doesn’t speak to their own parents. When I find myself slipping into patterns that mirror my childhood, I remember it’s easier to change my actions, not my thoughts. I think it’s important to remember that “bad” thoughts, are temporary, and often not a reflection of our true selves. Also, I think it’s okay (good even) for your LO to see you get upset. What’s important is how we identify, understand, and express our emotions.It’s also important for our children to see us get upset, and apologize
I hope this helps, hang in there

[emeraldsea]

oh tori, it absolutely breaks my heart to read the struggles you’ve been having.

first of all, the fact that you’re seeking out help and advice tells me that you love your daughter and are a very good mother. as a toddler teacher, i sometimes work with parents who are really struggling with being triggered by their child(ren)’s behavior. heck, i’m very often triggered by my own students. i want you to know it is a normal thing, that you are not alone in this, and that it doesn’t make you a bad mom.

second, i have pcos, along with other chronic health problems that affect my hormones. i can’t say i understand exactly how you’re feeling, but it is so hard to be there for the people you love when you’re in pain. i have many times said things and done things i shouldn’t have- and i still do. what i’ve found helps is being easy on myself. it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of the weight of caring for lilia yourself. though you’re her mother, i really believe that as humans we need eachother to rely on, and having a village is so beneficial.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, it makes sense that you’re struggling and having outbursts! it’s a lot to do on your own!! what i suggest, is when you feel yourself beginning to get triggered, whether it’s because you’re in pain or tired, take a moment to ground. take a deep breath and relax your body, and think of the things you’re grateful for- some examples: i’m grateful that my daughter is healthy; i’m grateful that i get to be her mother; i’m grateful that though i’m in pain now, it won’t last forever. having lilia do quiet play or leaving her in her room for a little while until you can regroup might also be beneficial!

i just want to reiterate that tori, from what i know about you, you are a good mother. my thoughts will be with you, and if you ever need anything, i’m more than happy to talk with you

[tori101]

@snowmaiden thank you for really lovely response firstly the reassurance is greatly appreciated I was panicking that my behaviour over the last week or so would ruin our relationship for ever. Honestly I don’t even know if it’s PMS I just know that I’ve found life a lot harder since this terrible period started and doesn’t seem to be ending. Right now I’m financially a bit short I would love to have the opportunity to speak to a therapist I think I may do it through work as they have a free counselling service just go for it rather than always holding back from seeking help and saying everything is ‘fine’ when it’s not currently. I also agree that I do need to factor in some me time honestly thank you and it’s true we are all human!

@EagleEyes thank you for responding it’s true I think apologising is the way forward like I sat Lils down and said mummy is really sorry for being horrible to you gorgeous it wasn’t nice and she was like ‘yeah’ and gave me a hug which was so sweet/unexpected as I wasn’t sure a bubba who just turned 2 would get what I’m saying. But I also like explaining why I lost my temper so thank you for that advice. Thank you for your reassurance about my ‘mothering’ it’s really kind and yeah I think recharging my batteries is something I really need to do.

@bemiranda thank you for responding it’s great to hear from a mama who doesn’t speak to their parents. Firstly I just want to say I’m sorry your estranged from your parents I really hope your okay it’s true the thoughts are so temporary like my negative thoughts towards Lils lasts at tops an 1hr it’s just the way I ‘act’ during this period. The reassurance surrounding emotions with kiddos is appreciated. Thank you for your kindness.

@emeraldsea thank you! Honestly reading your response made me teary it’s greatly appreciated and beyond kind. I actually had no idea you taught toddlers that’s so interesting! Thank you for sharing your insight as an educator of these tiny people and the reassurance about me feeling triggered isn’t unusual. Thank you honestly I am really hard on myself and constantly push myself even if I feel terrible like today I’m suffering with this incredibly long period but cleaned the whole house top to bottom which literally killed me whilst looking after [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] which made me even moodier with her. Currently I am carrying the majority of the weight (and normally do but I have [name_u]Joseph[/name_u] & my mum) it’s just at the moment effecting me greatly probably as they are both abroad. Thank you it is so much to do on your own along with all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, paying the bills and working it’s tough.
I really appreciate the advice surrounding breathing and almost the ‘mantra’ stuff about what I’m grateful for as I think putting that into practice will help along with encouraging [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to play on her own etc. Thank you so much it’s nice to hear that people think I’m a good mum and the offer to talk your such a sweetheart

[emeraldsea]

i’m so glad my response helped validate and comfort you, sending you strength and the biggest virtual hug!

[tori101]

It really has thank you so much @emeraldsea

[namergirl3]

You are absolutely not alone in this I can get the same way, which breaks my heart and makes me feel so guilty. It’s very difficult when you are the entire world to a tiny person who completely depends on you, as well as having to juggle a household, stress, your own mental/physical/emotional health and trying hard not to screw up your kid… and it is isolating as heck because there’s this subconscious or even straight up narrative that you have to enjoy every moment of motherhood.

One thing that I recently discovered that helps me is vocalizing what is going on. “Oh goodness, kiddo, mommy’s head is really hurting right now! It makes my head feel a little better to play a quiet game right now instead of shouting. How about we color?” [name_u]Or[/name_u] “mommy didn’t get much sleep last night. I’m very tired.” It isn’t so much for him…it helps me process what I’m actually feeling rather than yelling for a reason I don’t even stop to think about. Once I can identify I’m tired, bored, or just plain just want a break, it kind of diffuses the situation in my brain. It is hard though! I wasn’t taught any sort of emotional regulation growing up…which is also probably why yelling is such a “comfortable” reaction for me in the first place.

Also, I don’t know how you feel about screen time but that has really helped a lot, too. I feel no shame about putting on a show so I can have even 10 minutes to not think so much.

That’s all I can think of right now. It really is hard, especially when you don’t have that “village” everyone talks about. As others have said, the very fact you feel bad AND that you actively try to do better with her is a sign you are a great mother! You even apologize to her! That’s huge! I’ve never even once heard the adults in my life do that…that wasn’t even a concept in their minds/parenting methods. Tbh, I might still be in contact with most of them if it had…intention isn’t nearly as big as actual impact, which is why I applaud you seeking help. You’re doing hard work and that goes a long, long way in your relationship with her now and in the future. Hang in there…I hope the light starts shining brighter for you very soon

[kapaza]

You got a lot of feedback already, so I hope this is helpful. I mess up all the time. You’re a great mom for feeling guilty. Tell her. Be honest, cause we’re all broken and need help. Asking her to forgive you will go a long way in teaching her about doing what’s right. We are all bad moms. I look to [name_m]Jesus[/name_m] to be my “ever-present help in time of trouble,” of which parenting has been my greatest time of need. Hang in there!

[auroradawn]

I don’t tend to yell, but when I get irritable I can snip at my kids or be overly rough handling them (helping them into coats or whatever), which is basically the same thing in a different personality. Kudos to you for apologizing, I need to do that more often.

Some things I find helpful: realizing that if I’m having a bad day, so are they. [name_f]My[/name_f] mood spreads to them till it’s like looking in a mirror, even when I think I’m hiding it well. Step back for a moment and take a few deep breaths. Pull away from micro-focusing on the problem and think about something else for a minute, the weather, whatever.
If possible, switch gears and do something else. [name_u]Read[/name_u] a book together, send the kids outside, put them in a bath (have you seen the advice, “fresh air or water”?) If I had a bathtub in the house I’d totally do that more often.

Practice basic obedience–but not when you’re both a hot mess. Sometimes in the morning, when we’re all cheerful, I “drill” my kids on fun stuff. “Run up to the landing.” “Touch your toes.” “Hand me the ball.” It helps if they’re used to obeying for the times when it really matters, like in the parking lot when I say “Stand right here.”

Best wishes! Hang in there

[LibelluleClaire]

I am a parent. And I can tell you, you are not alone. I struggle with anxiety and feel like I have to apologize to my girls all the time. As you’ve said this is out of character for you. Your support group has left and your feeling overwhelmed then add in pms and life gets hard.

Every parent loses it sometimes when life gets stressful. One moment/week/month doesnt make you a bad parent. What is more important is an overall picture. I think we as parents (especially nowadays) put a lot of stress on us to be “perfect” and dont allow ourselves space to be human. We often view ourselves as ‘engineers’ where we are building our child piece by piece. And if we make a mistake, or put a piece in the wrong spot our childrens lives will be ruined and we carry all that responsibility on our shoulders. But in reality we are more like shepherds. We provide safe space and good nutrition for our children to grow, but we dont design them. If for a short time sheep are not in the best environment or getting the best nutrition, it will affect them in the short term, yes, but they can recover, so long as they return to those good pastures and safe spaces. The same with our babies. They can recover from our shortcomings.

Now Im not saying its ok to yell at your baby or bad mouth her. But what I am saying is you know this isnt you typically, you’ve acknowledged that this isnt ok and can’t continue. And now you need to forgive yourself for it. You havent ruined her life, she and you can recover. She still loves you. If you feel like visiting your gp will help, even just for your mental health, visit with them. Maybe find a babysitter/class/camp for Lilia and take some time for yourself. You are still a good mom.

I think for me the best advice anyone has given me is ‘if you’re worried about being a good parent, you probably are’

[kachenka]

You have all my compassion for what you’re experiencing right now It is human to struggle. It is human to anger. I believe you have the mental resources and skills you need to cope with the demands of your current situation. You will get through this challenging time, learn from it and be stronger for it.

I thought I’d share how I’d approach this if I was facing these challenges myself at this time. I am interested in how our bodies work and it feels empowering when I understand what is happening at a physiological level. It also helps take away feelings of shame that are counter-productive to the changes I want to make.

So I would read sources that explain the physiology of anger as well as the psychology of anger. I found this was a good summary and resource for understanding and managing anger in general. I also found it helpful framing anger as an emotion that tells us we need to take action to put something right. It gives us energy and motivates us to act.

One of the ways I prepare myself for challenges is writing myself a plan. I would look out for the warning signals my body sends me when I feel anger such as my heart beating faster, feeling hot and feeling tension in my body, especially my jaw. I’d put these in my plan so I am more aware of my signals. I would write down the situations that have triggered anger in the past. This would remind me of times when I need to be ready to practise my plan.

I would write down specific strategies I can realistically do to calm myself and regain control such as walking a few steps away, closing my eyes, counting, taking long deep breaths, progressively tensing and relaxing my muscles from my toes to my head, drinking a glass of water and reading coping statements back to myself.

I would write down go-to strategies I can use when my body tells me I’m ready to re-engage with my child such as putting on songs they enjoy and reading a favourite book together. This would help reduce my mental load whilst I’m still vulnerable to stress. I would choose strategies that tend to have a calming effect and I can practise often.

I would write down statements I can use to communicate clearly with my child such as ‘I’ statements e.g. ‘I need to a glass of water and then we can sort this out’ and expressing what I see and feel to set limits e.g. ‘I feel upset when I see you throw your toys because they could break or hurt someone’. Everything in the plan helps me mentally prepare even if I don’t physically pick up the plan in the moment. If there are certain strategies I want to remember I might put them up on the fridge or living room wall. There are apps such as WRAP that can be used to create plans as well.

There are times when I feel safe opening up with a friend about difficult situations such as these, but there are also times I don’t. I’ve found helplines can offer valuable support when I want confidential support or if I’m feeling overwhelmed late at night. In the UK, Samaritans offers free 24/7 call support and SHOUT offers free 24/7 text support. Family Lives offers a free helpline specifically for parenting support.

I agree with others who have mentioned the importance of forgiving yourself. You’re giving everything you can as a parent. Keep going and doing your best.

[Rosebeth]

I’m sorry you’re struggling. There are two things that are important to remember: don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t hesitate to get help if you feel you need it.

Nobody is the perfect parent, and every parent loses their patience sometimes. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, we’re all just people with our own issues trying to figure it out as we go along.

You say that you’ve had PMS, so please remember this is just a temporary thing. The world can look very bleak when you have severe PMS, and you tend to be more critical of yourself. Losing your patience because your body is struggling with hormones doesn’t make you a bad parent. And the fact that you know it isn’t okay to behave like this towards [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] already means you’re dealing with it.

Whenever I feel the urge to shout at my children, I take a break if possible. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband, brother and I use a “safe word” to indicate that we need some space without the children being aware of it. Is there anyone at all that could help you out a bit or allow you to take some time for yourself right now? [name_u]Or[/name_u] do you have a safe space for [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] to be in for a minute while you compose yourself, when you feel you’re losing your patience?

[elleplume]

[name_f]Tori[/name_f], are you getting a break at all? Is [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] in any kind of daycare? I was so on edge and ready to blow any minute until I put [name_f]Flora[/name_f] in daycare 2 days a week, and she does another day or 2 with her grandparents or dad. I go to work those days and its seriously a break compared to parenting. Don’t underestimate how hard it is and how natural it is to feel how you’re feeling! The term mum rage exists for a reason. Go easy on yourself love, this gig is the toughest one there is 🩷

[PrincessShannon]

I completely understand how you are feeling. All parents loose their patience and at some times more than others.

I have 18 month twins and some days truthfully it’s just hard juggling everything. Work, caring for children, keeping the house clean, general existing stuff. Some days you just need more of a break than others.

I think you will feel better after you get a break. [name_f]Every[/name_f] few months I have my twins sleep over with my mom just so I can sleep and just have time to myself. It really helps me. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have a support system where you can have someone take her for a few hours?

Hugs

[tori101]

@namergirl3 thank you for your very kind response. I’ve had enough shouty parenting day church and lunchtime waS absolutely lovely then after her nap she just was so tricky I tried to do arts & crafts with her she threw all the pens everywhere, threw paint all over the kitchen floor and I just lost it. Shouted look at all the mess tried to give her time out (sit her on the stairs) and she refused to sit like refused I tried to force her to sit and she just was laughing so in my hormonal state cried. But I actually did what you do I voiced that all the mess was making mummy feel tired and sad. I think she got it. [name_f]Kinda[/name_f] maybe. But it made me feel better just vocalising it. I also again apologised for shouting. Thank you for your reassurance/praise regarding the apologising as right now that’s the only thing I can do effectively it feels.

[tori101]

@tonguetwisted thank you for taking the time out to respond it’s very kind. I’ve never actually asked myself ‘why’ I’m feeling negative thoughts it’s like flashes of overwhelming ness and then it’s a horrible response. I agree that ‘trauma’ could also be why I’m acting out of character my bestest friend in the whole world completed suicide in [name_u]October[/name_u] and life without him has been very hard. Also the anniversary of my [name_u]Angel[/name_u] baby’s birth (March 21st) is coming up I lost my daughter [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] at 23 weeks + 6 days when I was 17. I’m very open about it with people but I do find it hard to cope around this time of year. Along with just feeling unwell. I agree trauma does affect your processing. I think I do indeed need a break!!

[tori101]

@kapaza thank you for your response and reassurance! I agree G-d can be a massive comfort i was raised interfaith (my mum Jewish & father Catholic) I have found myself conducting both Jewish & [name_u]Christian[/name_u] prays looking for guidance at this time just some I dunno peace which has been comforting