Our son [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] is adopted, his biological mom is a family friend and while he knows her as someone more than just an aunt he is only two so he doesn’t really understand that while she gave birth to him and is his bio, but we are his mom and dad.
Anyways, we also have our son [name_m]Seb[/name_m] and we’re expecting a sweet baby girl in [name_f]April[/name_f]. My pregnancy has been going along extremely well, so there is nothing to worry about there.
On Thanksgiving K’s mom pulled both my husband and I aside from our large family and informed us that she is pregnant once more, and that she is expecting twins and is due in mid [name_u]June[/name_u]. She also informed us that she will not be keeping the babies, and asked that we adopt them so they can grow up with their older brother.
We have two amazing boys, and we’re expecting a bundle of joy… But now we have been asked to take on two more children… The boys are only six months apart, and K came to live in our home when [name_m]Seb[/name_m] was about a year old, but that is a larger age difference…
What we don’t know is… Are we going to be able to handle a two and a half month old as well as newborn twins?
I’m really freaking out about this… When K is older, how would we explain to him if we didn’t also end up adopting the twins?
Does anyone have a near similar experience?
That’s extremely unfair and irresponsible of [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m]'s mother to ask you to adopt the twins as well. Having said that though, for [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m]‘s sake I would probably try to reach some sort of shared custody agreement, where the twins can live with you and their brother, but their bio mom agrees to help out significantly with the kids’ care, supervision and expenses, especially during the first few years. Taking care of three infants in addition to two small children is a VERY daunting task, and you deserve all the help she can give you if you are to give her children a home.
Edit; I should add that that would be the soft-hearted approach. Should you feel you cannot handle five young children at once, I feel it is perfectly within your moral right to refuse to adopt them, and if I were Kaiden I would definitely understand the circumstances you were in at the time. As long as he gets to see his bio siblings often, I don’t see anything he could fault you for.
[name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]'s mother is only allowed to have supervised visits with him, so asking her to take on shared custody isn’t an option. With the case that is open against her she will lose full custody of the twins even if we decide that we cannot adopt them, which would probably mean K growing up without knowing his siblings.
I calculated it out, and [name_m]Seb[/name_m] will only be about three years and nine months old on her projected due date, which she will probably go early because of the multiples.
But then, when [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] is five years old and he sees pictures of his siblings because his bio is and always will be a tiny part of his life how are my husband and I suppose to explain to him that we couldn’t take on two more children?
[name_m]Both[/name_m] my husband and I want to do right by our kids, the three we already have. This is so overwhelming.
I feel you might be projecting your own feelings onto [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m]. You’ve already done more than anyone is morally expected to do - adopted him and brought him up with your own kids when his bio mom couldn’t. No reasonable child would resent you for failing to adopt his unborn siblings as well, especially given that a household of three little ones is a huge responsibility as it is. Taking on an additional two newborns in your circumstances would be positively Herculean.
He will probably wonder about them and want to meet them, and later on if his bio has their contact info (which she should, unless she is legally charged with abusive behavior or something?) that may still be possible. But he will not feel their lack of presence in his life negatively. [name_f]Remember[/name_f] he’ll grow up with two siblings of his own, your bio kids. You’re still able to provide him with a loving family and siblings to play with. In my opinion, that’s as good as anyone could ask for. I don’t think he’ll hate you for not taking on two more babies he hasn’t even met yet, just because they’re blood-related to him.
Although I understand you want your son to know his biologically siblings, there’s also the issue to discuss about what you would do if the bio mom had more children after the twins.
Family friends of mine had adopted a little girl, who was 2 when they were approached to see if they wanted to adopt the son that her bio mom was expecting. At first they thought they should, as family is important and they wanted her to know her sibling, but they also found out that this mother had already had 2 other sons, and seeing as she was only 27, was likely to have even more.
You shouldn’t feel guilty if you decide not to adopt the babies. There is only so much you can do. Also, since open adoption is much more common these days, if another family adopts the twins, they may want your son to be in their kids’ lives just as much as you want your son in their’s, so it may work out even if you don’t decide to adopt them.
If another family were to adopt the twins, would it be possible for you to arrange visits with the adoptive family so that [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] could visit his biological siblings from time to time? It’s unfair for [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]'s biological mother to ask this of you. I don’t think that you should feel obligated to take the twins because they’re [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]'s biological siblings. As others have mentioned, what if his bio mother has more children? Would she ask you to adopt them as well? Obviously you know his bio mother better than me, but she sounds like the type of woman who will take advantage of you and your husband so that she doesn’t have to be responsible and raise her own kids.
I do not think that you are obligated to take these twins. And part of doing right by your existing children includes being able to continue to take wonderful care of them, both financially and time and sanity wise.
BUT I am going to disagree with everyone here and say that I do not think she is selfish for asking you to. It sounds like she is unable to care for children herself right now, and it is good that she is making a plan ahead of time for these children.
Is it possible for another family member or friend to step up and adopt these children so that they can all be raised in the same circle? If not that, is it possible for her to go through an agency and find a family willing to adopt these babies and pursue an open adoption with your family as well as her?
We have friends who adopted siblings through foster care. Their biological mother has several children and is not able to raise any of them. So our friends’ children have siblings being raised in several different families. They all get together frequently though, and even though they were unknown to each other beforehand, they have all become family to each other.
From your follow up post, it sounds as if she will definitely lose custody of these kids on her own if she does nothing. She does not have to wait for the state to make that decision, though. A good agency could help her find a family if no one is able in your circle. Open adoption is definitely the norm now in domestic adoptions, and I don’t think it would be that difficult to find a family willing to keep in contact with your son.
You need to think about all of your children’s best interest and I think that is a lot of babies for one family. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you know of anyone who wants to adopt? Why not help his birth mother find another adoptive family and make sure he stays in touch with them?
Perrygirl, yes, I am probably projecting my feelings onto my son. I have two older brothers and both a younger brother and sister, and I cannot imagine having grown up without them.
However, I’ve also known his biological mother since she was around nine years old, and I know that while she wants to provide for her children right now it isn’t something that she can mentally of financially handle. She is only twenty three, and has a mental illness, on top of being single.
Mflannery, our adoption with [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] is open, and if we were to adopt the twins it would also be open. As a previously started his bio is a part of his life that I’d never want to take away from him. [name_m]Both[/name_m] my husband and I are unsure we’d be able to handle knowing that someone else was raising these babies when their older brother is in our home, but then it does go back to the fact that their mom is twenty-three and will likely have more children in the future, and we know deep down that we wouldn’t be able to take care of every single child that she might end up having.
We actually called my husband’s oldest sister who has an eighteen year old daughter that wants to go to college near us, as we both realize that with my husband working full time it’s going to be difficult enough for me to handle two three year olds and an infant, let alone adding two newborns to the mix. So we’ve been debating the idea of finding a live in nanny that could help us raise the kids until they are a little bit older and we could take care of them on our own…
Southern.maple… First… I just have to say… Thank you for spelling my son’s name correctly…
Maybe part of the obligation that I feel to adopting the twins has something slight to do with my older son [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] and his baby sister who is due in [name_f]April[/name_f]. I wouldn’t want my biological son to grow up without his sister, so how can I even try to make the decision that [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] should grow up without his biological siblings?
Tarynkay… I don’t think that she is trying to take advantage of us, and I actually think that she is being responsible trying to make a plan for these babies instead of waiting for the foster system to step in like how it happened with [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]. It has taken a lot for her to come to the realization that she is not a fit parent and that someone else can do a better job of raising her babies, and I actually think that part of the situation is rather mature on her part. Like you stated.
Of course if I wasn’t pregnant there would be no question, we’d adopt the twins without a second thought. So is it really okay for my husband and myself to say no to these angels?
I can understand you would take them if it was possible, but you shouldn’t feel bad if you can’t. Those who adopt do so because they really want to be parents and will raise the babies very well. I don’t agree at all that you have to be raised with your own biological siblings, as long as they are loved and cared for they will become happy and well adjusted adults who would be able to cope with being adopted and having biological family members who they did not grow up with.
@sebastianrhys- I am sorry, I did not think that you were saying that she was trying to take advantage of you, I thought you explained things well. I was responding to what the other commenters were saying.
I understand your thinking here, about not wanting [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] to grow up without his biological siblings. That makes perfect sense to me, and I think I would feel the same way if my son’s Birthmother had another child she could not care for (though I do pray for her that she is able to raise any children she has in the future herself.)
The live in nanny is a good idea if you do this, to help with all of the children. People do make triplets work. And they say that your stress levels go down and your marital satisfaction goes up after the fourth kid. It would be absolutely crazy for awhile, and then everything would even out and you would have five children very close in age who all adore each other. I am definitely not saying that you can’t do it, or even that it isn’t a good idea, just that you aren’t obligated to do it, and that there might be other workable solutions.
I don’t think that adopting these twins means that you will have to adopt any future children she might have. It may be a good idea to discuss this with her if you decide to adopt these children, though you are the best judge of your relationship with her and whether or not this would be useful.
It would entirely depend on things like if you’re comfortable raising that many children, can receive financial help for taking them in, afford help, etc.
Personally, I wouldn’t do it. I don’t think wanting [name_m]Kaiden[/name_m] to grow up with his biological siblings is a good enough reason. [name_f]IMO[/name_f], a closer one-on-one bond with a caretaker or parent (you, your husband) trumps sibling relationships. Growing up in a household with an overwhelmed, exhausted, parent is going to be far more traumatizing than being separated from bio siblings. And your son will have a few struggles growing up with being adopted, etc…but I think in the long run it will be easy for him to understand that you needed to put your energy, time, money, and love into the child who you were already responsible for. Being raised separately from siblings who he’s never known will be a lot easier for him to understand than mommy and daddy struggling to have time for him.
Can you afford 2 more children? (and a nanny?) If you can then I would encourage you to put together a hypothetical plan of how you would manage 3 infants. A nanny is a great idea, you would need help for at least the first year, if not 2 years. Also come up with a plan of how you would handle it when/if she gets pregnant again. I don’t see her asking you to adopt these babies as selfish, but rather as looking out for the best interest. In the future is there any chance of her being able to keep future children, or is it doubtful? Before agreeing to take these babies you ought to think that through as well. Good luck! [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m] is blessed to have such thoughtful parents!
Oh, sorry. I think we both confused each other. I was agreeing with you. Actually, I think it is a lot for this mother to admit to the fact that she cannot raise her own babies and that she is willing to try to make a plan for them.
With the boys being so young it wasn’t our intention to get pregnant until they were closer to 4, considering how close in age they are, but now I am and wouldn’t change it. We always had the thought of having 5-6 kids, but just didn’t think they’d be so close in age. We are prayerfully considering it of course. ([name_f]Glad[/name_f] you mentioned that!)
I think that if she was to have children in the future depending on her circumstances she might actually be able to take care of them, or rather a single child, but that would be all that she can handle because of her mental instability.
Triplets is kind of how my husband has decided to look at the option of adopting the twins as well as having our daughter just two months before. The only thing that would be slightly different is that it is possible for us to have our daughter partly sleep trained before the twins arrived making things a little bit simpler. With his niece in mind it would both help us out by having her live with us to help take care of the kids, as well as help her out by providing her a place to stay without having to pay for a dorm or small apartment.
My husband and I have been up late tonight discussing the whole idea. Financially we are very stable, and have been extremely blessed. He has an amazing job, and was recently promoted so that is another factor. So i guess the answer to that would be yes, we can afford 2 children on top of our three, and we can also afford to pay his niece a small sum.
We’re leaning more towards actually adopting them, all things considered, but it’s still a lot to take on.Talking everything through with [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]'s biological mother is of course something that needs to happen… Still trying to process all of my thoughts.(:
It may not be my place but I think its incredibly irresponsible and selfish of her to get pregnant again if she isn’t in a position to look after her children. I imagine having a baby taken from you is extremely traumatic, she went through it already with K, so I don’t see why she got herself in this position again. If it were me I’d ensure it never happened again until I had full legal clearance and stability to have another child.
Anyway, if I were in your position, I wouldn’t take the new babies. You will have 5 children under the age of 4. That’s absolutely insane. You need to concentrate on the babies you do have. S and K are very close in age, and if you take on the twins, you will essentially have two toddlers and a set of triplets. She seems to be very blasé about the whole thing.
What if she does this again? You’ll feel even more obliged to take on any future children if you already have 3 of their siblings. I’m sure K will understand when he’s older that you were doing the best for him and the siblings he already had.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] my two cents. Good luck with your decision.
Give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. There’s no 100% right or wrong answer here, all you can do is listen to yourself and your husband and look at what your family needs.
It could be a beautiful thing to have 2 more little members of your family, and if you did adopt them then a week later you wouldn’t be able to imagine being without them in your lives. But if you don’t, then that’s okay—you haven’t done a bad thing, and you haven’t deprived your son of anything. They could still form a relationship, either with the other adoptive family or as adults.
This is not a burden that can be dropped on your shoulders and then you’re responsible for how it turns out forever; all you can do is the best you can for you and your family. I wish you well. It’s a brave and beautiful thing you’re considering, however it turns out.
@sebastianrhys
Being able to afford help with this is huge. And it sounds like your husband is very supportive as well, and that is an enormous blessing. I just want to offer encouragement and support, whichever way you decide.
@pinkballerina
It is actually very common for a woman to get pregnant again soon after placing a child for adoption or having her parental rights involuntarily terminated. It is also common for this to happen after a woman has an abortion. There is even a name for it, it is called a redemption baby. It’s really hard to imagine being in that situation, so I don’t think it’s possible to really understand the whys and wherefores of it all.
Is it a possibility for you to foster the twins to see if you can handle it/want to commit and then pursue adoption? I’m not sure if things can even work that way, just a thought.
There is the possibility of us waiting for the state to step in and remove the twins from her care and then fostering to adopt them, but with the mom actually trying to do the responsible thing here and find a home for the twins before they are born I wouldn’t want to put her through that.
Besides, with them being twins and her realization that she won’t be able to keep them there is a higher likelihood that she would be able to find a different family to adopt them very quickly, which is something that would be encouraged by most everyone that knows her and her experience with [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m].
Please don’t be rude though, she is a family friend and a very very sweet girl. Mentally she cannot provide a stable environment, and at least she is doing what she knows how to provide her kids with the best life possible for them. She got pregnant again, and nothing is going to change that aspect of the situation.
Tarynkay… Thank you for being supportive both ways. We of course still haven’t come to a final decision, but I believe that both my husband and I are leaning more and more towards adopting the twins and just dealing with the roughness of all of the kids being so young. Our boys are amazing buddies and get along really well so I would hope that any siblings that might be added to the mix they’d also get along well with.
My husband is an amazing man, and a wonderful father. Without him I couldn’t raise our boys, and I know that without him I couldn’t take on this task. In my mind parenting is a two person job, and I give major support to those who are single parents and can handle it on their own. Without my husband I’d be completely lost.
Though our mind is not completely made up we are more leaning towards adoption rather than not adopting. These babies are [name_m]Kaidan[/name_m]'s siblings, and I’ve known the mother since she was young. Her mental handicap is not her own fault. She actually did a very responsible thing by coming to us and telling us about the babies instead of keeping it to herself for as long as possible like she did with K. This next weekend we’ll hopefully be able to sit down with our support (Hubby’s parents and niece, and my Mom) and discuss everything and form some sort of plan. Taking on two more children is going to take more than just my husband and I, but with our extended family members I don’t believe that it would be impossible.