Not sure what to think :(

Parentberries
1

So me and my BF have been talking lately, and I’m just starting to get really confused. Lately the subject of TTC seems to come up a lot, for random reasons [ie an add on the telly for babies or friends just happening to talk about babies or whatnot]. Me and him decided next spring was when we wanted to start TTC. And whenever he brings it up, he just says “in a year or so” or whatever. But I was talking to him the other night, and he was saying how maybe in six years… which really took me aback. So I asked him directly when he wants to have a baby, and all he could say is “Its a tough question, and I really don’t know. We’ll just have to see.” Which is heartbreaking to me </3 I am thankful that he was honest with me, but I just don’t know if he realizes how much that hurt me. Whenever I’d have a mood about wanting a baby, he’d tell me “We’re only waiting a year! That’s not long, I promise” and things like that. And he continuously brought up the “only a year” thing. And then he just popped that out. It’d be much easier to handle if he strait out told me “could be six years from now” in the beginning, so I wouldn’t have my hopes up. And now it feels like my hopes were up so high and now they’re lowered right on down again.

I don’t know how I should feel! I’m not angry or anything… just deeply sad. He’s always wanted a kid and all and he loves kids, but I just don’t think he loves them to the extent that I do, you know? I feel bad for crying over something like this, but I’m just so upset! I actually scheduled a visit with a therapist, in hopes of a bit of help. But honestly I didn’t feel she helped. Not only did she tell me “there is no way to make the want easier any short of actually having a baby” but she also just kept telling me “you have your whole life ahead of you… your in no rush… get a pet…” etc. I felt tempted to ask her if she’s ever had any kids, because kids are definitely not as simple as that! Her inability to help really made me feel worse as well… I’ve scheduled visits with her before, for other issues. Whenever I’m having too many emotions at once she normally helps me sort them out and gives helpful advice. But here, diddly squat.

Thank you berries for bearing through my rant :frowning: I’m such an emotional wreck today <3

2

Aw I really feel for you. I get the feeling that you are very young, so at least you don´t have to add biological urgency to your worries. Hey if you are only 19 five years or so isnt such a bad thing. If this is really a man whom you feel you trust to spend your life, then I believe you have only run into a basic fact of creation: women dream of babies, not men. Women are meant to attract men into a family life. I am starting to consider how one drawback to our culture of contraception is that it throws a monkey wrench into the whole thing. [name]How[/name] many of us would exist if our fathers had to decide to ´ttc´? Fathers love their children when they come, but dont melt over tiny shoes in the baby aisle. That is your job. It seems a shame that our feminine beauty isn´t enough to attract men to fatherhood now. Now they feel they can take the parts they want and leave out the other parts a la contraceptive technology. ahhh the modern condition. I don´t have any real advice, just hope that everything works out well for you.
PS-- if you were my own sister I would remind you that wives are under no special obligation to contracept. They owe their husbands honesty and loyalty, but many a mature married woman has found that husbands still want to share a bed after they have told them they tossed their pills.

3

This is why they say “pregnancy is contagious.” I feel for you, because I know how badly I wanted to have children and how it felt like I had to wait forever. But it sounds like your bf has been giving you a lot of signs that he’s not ready. For example, him bring up “only a year” may sound like he’s on board by the “only” but what he’s really saying is “not now, not now, not now.” Rant away if it helps you, but I’ll reiterate your therapist by saying don’t rush this and don’t pressure him. It’ll only make matters more difficult and you’ll probably end up with more hurt feelings.

I’m not judging or anything, but I do get nervous when young women are TTC with their BFs. Not because I think its wrong or anything, but it reminds me of the situation my mother found herself in when my dad walked away. Waiting until marriage for children makes it a little harder for a man to just change his mind, and also protect women and children by law a little better should the partnership not work out.

Best of luck either way.

4

It sounds like you may need to have good talk, and let him know how this new comment made you feel. It may not be that he wants to wait longer that is upsetting you so much, but it may be more a reaction to him ‘shifting the golaposts’ on a very important decision that you thought you were both on the same page about, and what this may mean for your relationship in general. I wish you can both get on the same page again - and I don’t just mean one of you convincing the other to do what you want without the other being happy about it. It sounds like being a parent means a lot to you, but maybe the current hesitation is just fear of what changes it will mean in both of your lives. Good luck, I hope it all goes well.

5

I would just ask him to be upfront about why he suggested that timeline. If he did he obviously has concerns about TTC in a year. It does sound like you are very young and I know the whole “you have your whole life” thing can get annoying but it’s completely true. [name]Just[/name] don’t rush into any decisions or try to convince him that je needs to TTC when you want because in the end it’ll turn out badly.

6

Why would you want to have a baby with someone you aren’t married to? Unless marriage is just something you guys don’t want? how old are you?

7

I completely get where you are coming from here. I’m so sorry that you are feeling confused about the topic. It’s so easy to just say “you are young” “you have time” – I’ve been there! The issue my (now) DH and I talked about constantly when I was 19 was marriage. I wanted it asap and he did not. I’m glad we waited in hindsight, but his reasons for waiting were not why I’m glad we waited (lol, I’m sure that made a ton of sense). If you want to PM me, you can. Basically, his reasons were that he was a 22 yr old committment-phobic guy! He had some growing up to do. He claimed the reason we should wait or the reason he hated talking about it was because “we have plenty of time. it’ll happen. stop bugging me. you make me not want to do it at all if you keep bugging me” Yeah, not good! My reasons for rushing into it were “why wait! we’re both in love and we want this. so let’s just do it now.” He had alot of growing up to do and so did I. We had a baby together and we were TTC #2. It was alot going on at once. We really needed to have a good talk about it-- maybe with pros and cons and worries/concerns from each of us. We didn’t though! We just kept having these short little bursts of conversations and it would leave me feeling annoyed and hurt and him feeling annoyed and confused.

I know I might sound a little old fashioned here, but are you two considering getting married? Perhaps that is the next natural step before having a baby together? I know when we had a baby together we felt like we “had” to stay together because of her. We were too young and having problems. We broke up for a time being when we realized we didn’t have to be together. I really wish we would have gotten married before having children because that is your “alone time” --the time you get to know each other and create memories of just the two of you. [name]How[/name] long have you two been together?

I also hope I am not stepping on your toes here because I did mention it in another post of yours maybe a month ago and it is a highly sensitive issue, but I recall you had a miscarriage and I cautioned you about throwing the sadness and emotions of losing your child into the when to TTC debate. You are both grieving that loss and may have been making emotional decisions. That could be why he’s changing his tune now? I’m just speculating. As I told you in that other thread, we’ve had three miscarriages so I know how deeply painful they can be and how you know you can’t/won’t replace your lost baby, but you long so much for another one asap. (I’m in that phase right now as a matter of fact after our loss in [name]December[/name]). That same time period I discussed in the previous paragraph happened around the time of our first miscarriage. We were TTC #2 sorta “just because” – I think he was doing it to appease me from nagging him about getting married. I was TTC to kinda ensure he’d stick around. It was not good and I’m kinda ashamed to admit all that here. Anyway, after the loss, It really threw us for a loop. He told me he didn’t want to try again right away. All I wanted to do was try again. That is when we broke up and were fighting so often. We were both very sensitive and sad and doing things that were not loving towards each other. It was a time we needed to come together and strengthen US and it just pushed us apart.

Oh, and I also wanted to say that I’m sorry your therapist dismissed you like that. Perhaps she was trying to give you some things to think about opposite of your current feelings. Sometimes being challenged like that helps me to really decide “yes, this is truly what I want and what I feel right now” or “no, she’s right, I need to think more about this and find a way to cope better while I wait.” Have you discussed why you want a child now with her? Your miscarriage? [name]Do[/name] you discuss other aspects of your relationship with your BF with her? Maybe if she can help you with another issue/topic instead of this, it would help her understand how to support you better. (I have seen therapists for years and I usually don’t practice what I’m preaching here! I get annoyed and don’t go back. lol)

8

Wise words from crunchy momma.

9

quote Why would you want to have a baby with someone you aren’t married to? Unless marriage is just something you guys don’t want? how old are you?

In response to this, I am kind of offended by this. I want a baby with my boyfriend (we are actually going to have a baby in a few months). I wanted a baby with him before we got pregnant. He proposed after we found out we were pregnant. Although I wish he would have waited longer, I don’t really care because being proposed to doesn’t mean marriage right away. I’m 19, I’ll be 20 when I have my baby. My mom had myself and my sister before she turned 20. She’s been married once, and not to my dad. Also, as another kicker that will probably offend you, my boyfriend is 28. Oh, and he wants a baby with me. He has supported me and we have decided on names. I can guarantee you the age difference doesn’t see much light of the day (unless we make jokes about how he is going to turn 300 this year, while I’m turning 13, just silly jokes that mean nothing).

And in response to the original poster, I can say I was kind of in your position before I found out I was pregnant. I really wanted a baby, but at the same time I know I’m young, and I could easily wait a good couple of years, but I still wanted a baby. Well, I wanted a little girl/boy, not a baby (I’m a little awkward around babies). He wanted a baby, but also wanted to wait because of how young I am. It was a total accident that I got pregnant, but we are both happy about it. I just have this one piece of advice. [name]Don[/name]'t trick your man into having a baby (“forget” the pill, hide the condoms or sexually attack him in a spot of the house where condoms are inaccessible, etc.). He will probably come to resent you especially if he found out how you got pregnant. I don’t know what to say other than that because anything I say won’t get rid of your feelings for wanting a baby. [name]Just[/name] don’t be too hasty, consider your relationship with your boyfriend. If you are truly unhappy, you should tell him, hope he understands, and if he doesn’t, maybe he isn’t right for you. [name]Just[/name] consider all your options. Maybe waiting a couple months and asking again, he might have changed his mind by then.

10

Thank you ladies for your responses!

Kateinlouvain, I am still young. So there is no hurry. That is all so true though. Men normally don’t dream of babies… but it seemed as if he was really into it when he’d bring it up in conversation. Like we’d be watching a show on TV and nothing particular that I could see would bring up babies, but he’d just mention something like “I like ____ as a name” or “You know, I was thinking about how our kid would be so beautiful” or even “I think when we have kids we’ll raise like ____” or whatever. And it seemed as if he put a lot of thought into it. But no doubt he doesn’t think of babies as much as I do. And thanks for that saying… I think it really helps honestly <3 I’m not on the pill anymore, and he knows. His thing for now is “we wont try, but we won’t try not to” sort of deal. At the moment at least. I am considering going back on the pill if he feels he wants to wait a significant time though… I’ll have to talk to him about it <3

Mmm, pregnancy is contagious jessicat11!!! And thats very true… I get confused there too. Sometimes he seems SO sure that he’s ready! Then he occasionally would bring up the “only a year” (or the “not now”) and I will just accept it. Part of the thing is thought, I’m very straitforward in what I want and expect the same of others… and when they aren’t I get messed up. Hehe, honestly just getting it out there and seeing these responses has made me feel a million times better :slight_smile: And I totally agree that pressuring is totally not the way. I haven’t tried rushing anything, and I am not into pressuring him. I’ve told him that the decision is up to him when we have kids, because I’ll always be ready. But I want him to be ready and I want him to want it too. It’ll be a much more enjoyable experience for both of us if its unanimous to wanting the child. And it’s only fair to the child to have two parents who are agreeable if you can possibly give it.

I definitely want to let him know how I feel, bluejuniper, but I almost feel as if it’d feel pushy to say something about it :frowning: I’m trying to figure out how I can say my expectations were let down or something and not seem as if I’m saying “I want this baby in a year because you said one year” sort of thing. Hopefully we’ll get back onto the same page soon <3 We both have the weekend off of work, so we’ll have some time to chat.

Tinabina, I think I’ll ask just that! Why he suggested the timeline if he’s not sure of it. I don’t plan on rushing into anything, I just am feeling a little upset at the fact he wasn’t completely honest upfront about the TTC thing, because I respect him wanting to wait- even if its hard on me <3

laurenb, marriage just isn’t one of those things that mean much to me. We’ve talked about marriage, but honestly we’d only do it for the legal matters. We already decided we want to stay together forever, and I trust his word as he does mine. Honestly, marriage means different things to everyone. And I don’t think its necessary to have a piece of paper just to successfully live together and raise a child. And I actually know a few people in my church who’ve done it! Maybe its a little more normal to me after seeing it in action, but I just believe everyone is entitled to their own lifestyle. And this might be ours :slight_smile:

crunchymama, thanks so much!!! Its funny how guys views all differ from the ladies, or at least tend to. If he asked me to marry him, I would just because. Though its not something thats necessarily important to us in particular. And not to knock him or anything, but I can see that he does have a bit of growing up to do. But I guess I also see it as things can change a lot in a year. And if a year comes and he still seems unready, I would be fine with extending the timeline. I think the two of us really should have a sit down. Would it be weird to write out a list for him so he can see how I feel? Pro’s and con’s and all? <3
I suppose it’s old fashioned idea (; but it does have some validity. We have considered marriage, I guess its just not “us”. We live together, and we’ve been dating a couple years. However we’ve known each other much longer than those couple of years. We’ve lived on the same street since we were about a year old. So we definitely know each other, and have spent lots of time together bonding even before we officially started dating.
Honestly, that probably would make a lot of sense <3 It honestly has a bit to do with why I want another so badly, but for him, its probably different. I’m so sorry about your marital issues and miscarriages though!!! It seems to effect my BF in a much different manner than I <3 I can’t help but think about how things would be if I were still pregnant, and how far along I’d be and about telling family and all. Which whenever I think about it, I want it more and more.
Maybe she was. I did discuss why I wanted a child now, but I left out the miscarriage <3 I don’t really like to talk to anyone about it. I know she can’t help as much if I leave things out, but its really a sensitive topic for me. I do discuss my relationship and I told her about my family life/issues at home as well so she could have a broader view of me. She did speculate that a reason for my wanting a baby is probably partially how my family life was a less than pleasant experience and I might want to try for a family that is functional, which is partially true. But mostly she just pushed me away. I’ve spent a good portion of my teenage years thinking about pro’s and con’s to babies, and why I wanted them. Of course I had no intentions of having a baby at sixteen, but I still thought things out for the future. So now that I’m older and things seem so much more possible, it feels right. Work is going so great for me and my BF, and our relationship is still going well. In all the many years I’ve known him, we honestly have never once fought. Even with living together. And we discussed how we’d raise the child and definitely agree on everything from religions to discipline to everything else. <3 But my therapist didn’t seem to understand that for me its harder to wait because I don’t have any more goals in my life besides baby. I’ve completed school, I’ve got a job, a place to live… everything I’ve ever wanted before is done. And the only thing left is baby. So she’ll say “your still so young go experience life to the fullest” but I am not a party girl, I don’t want to take any huge vacations, and there’s nothing out there that interests me besides having a child :frowning:
Your reply has really helped me so much though!! Thank you so much <3

sweet1292, thank you for the support on having babies young/unwed. I honestly think everyone is entitled to their own lifestyle, and it works for some better than others. I’ve always been so comfortable around babies/toddlers/kids in general <3 It feels right to me, I suppose. Congrats on your baby though! I know I can easily wait some before having a baby [though the actual waiting is a tad stressful]. Oh no worries, I have no intentions of trying to trick him! I don’t want to fall pregnant until he is entirely sure he wants one. Because I want the baby to bring us to the next step of love and commitment, not drive us apart. And I don’t want him resenting me or the baby. And I feel like something so dishonest would cause major trust issues. I respect him waiting if he feels unready and I will wait until he is [and definitely not pressure him AT ALL], it just hurts that he suggested the timeline of a year then just suddenly changed it. I get the feeling he was thinking six years this entire time but just kept saying a year to make me happy or something? I have been putting off talking to him for a bit. And maybe waiting a couple months would be best! Maybe he just needs some time to think. Because he has options too, and a right to live how he wants. He’s not the party type or anything, but he’s still entitled to being young if he wants. Again, I just wish he was honest from the beginning about the timeline so I wouldn’t get my hopes up <3

11

You two have only been together for a couple of years and that REALLY isn’t a long time to make a LIFE committment to have a baby together. What’s the rush?

Trying to pressure a guy into having a baby isn’t going to make things better, if anything it will put a strain on your relationship. So, you have two options: wait or find someone who is on the same page in life. Honestly, I would give him more time. Two years together isn’t that long of a time, and most young men in our age group (I’m assuming you’re very young) really don’t know what they want in life. Give him time to breath.

12

There is no rush here… We’ve only been dating a couple of years, but we’ve been close much longer. As I said, we’ve been neighbors since we were babies. Its not a long time of dating no, and I realize that a life commitment is a really long time and all. I also have mentioned I am NOT going to pressure him in any way! I have no intentions of asking him to have a baby any earlier than when he is ready. The problem I’m facing is that he told me he was ready for next year when he had no intentions of it being next year. So I got my hopes up then he suddenly brought up a new timeline and it shook me. I realize that babies strain relationships, they are a hell of a lot of work! I do have a lot of options… but its no question to me that I’m going to wait. I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.

It has nothing to do with being angry at him for him wanting to wait longer at all. I’m only upset because I wish he had told me originally how he felt rather than saying “one year”. Cause its honestly a big difference, and I don’t understand why he’d tell me different than what he means. And its especially confusing because that same night he was telling me how the only reason he doesn’t want a baby now is the financial reasons… then later he told me six years. Which isn’t all financial… I feel like he’s not being entirely honest, you know? And thats all I want of him is honesty.

13

Oh [name]Cara[/name]! Your comments (especially your last posting) really brings back memories for me. It’s exactly where we were. I just wished he would have not agreed to get married in 2003 and then changed it to 2006 or “let’s not set a date right now.” I just felt really betrayed.

It sounds like you are being very rational and I think you should definitely talk about it more. I don’t think writing things down is weird either by the way. [name]Just[/name] make sure you follow-through on what you say. If you say you won’t bring it up or you will wait X period of time, be true to that. I hope he’s willing to talk about his concerns with you too. Financial concerns are definitely legitimate, but maybe there is a compromise there. If he has some other concern you might be able to work through that together too.

As I said before, he’s now my husband and we have 4 beautiful girls! I wouldn’t change those hard times for anything either because they made us who we are today. I do feel very lucky and blessed though because the odds were definitely not on our side being a young (19 and 22), unmarried couple with a baby living on one small income and fighting all the time!

14

I just wanted to say in response to the lady who felt offended by the issue of marriage being raised: many of us separate out age and marriage. I have no idea how old Caracakes is but I have no problem in theory with a young bride, provided she is a legal adult of course, if she and her husband and serious in purpose and understand what marriage is. There are advantages and disadvantages to being a young say 20 year old mom and an older say 40 year first time old mom. [name]Young[/name] marriage can be wonderful. Isn’t anyone sick of hearing that marriage is a piece of paper. I have nothing against not civilly registering your marriage. In many times and places a man and woman need only witness vows to each other privately. But people who call it a piece of paper now hardly just skip the paper and carry on like a married couple. The actually make many other changes like expecting the rest of us to call the father of their children their boyfriend, or ‘friend’ in Dutch, etc. They can at will ‘break up.’ Something to think about and sorry if I hijacked your thread but I wanted to let it be known that many of us with traditional ideas about marriage are not against young motherhood.
Caracakes, however old you are, however married you are, all the best to you. [name]Love[/name] is the most beautiful thing in the world.

15

Thank you so much again, crunchymama and katelouvain!

Thank you :slight_smile: I am trying to be rational about this all. I mean, it always has been my passion, and it does really hurt. But nothing gets solved if things are taken any other way :frowning: I feel silly about spending a the night that happened in tears, which is one of the reasons we haven’t talked yet. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I definitely plan on following through. Again, I think he deserves the right to be young and wait a little longer. I just wish he’d have told me earlier so I wouldn’t get my hopes up so high. I hope he’s willing to talk to, and not just say something and not mean it again. I agree, financial concerns are legitimate. And I think any other concerns he might have are probably legitimate too. But nothing gets resolved if he wont get it out there <3
Hehe I’ll have to keep that in mind! No matter how much the odds seem against me… you made it :wink:

Oh I am a legal adult hehe. I graduated high school and completed some college. Now I just work. I don’t have a problem with young marriage either, I suppose we’re currently just more comfortable with how things are now. As I said, I know a few families from church that successfully raised families without ever getting married. I see it as somewhat normal. I’m not sure we’re never going to get married, hehe! But as of this moment, its not a HUGE deal for us. Well, marriage is a huge deal. Hope I made sense! I was reading an interesting article about being a young mom. It had many advantages, such as more energy. And even after the child has grown you will still have time to start a career if you so choose. A 20 year old mom would have her child turn 18 by the time she’s 38, and thats still very young. Plus it leaves the time where your helping on college and planning a retirement into different area’s of your life so there isn’t two huge expenses at once. Personally I think all of the above are wonderful pro’s! My BF has actually talked some of marriage, but we haven’t put any plans to action. No worries, you didn’t hijack it! Its all things to think about :slight_smile:

Again, thanks so much!!! <3

16

I think you should probably get married before having a baby. It’s frowned upon for one and you don’t really want to tell your child that they were born out of “wedlock” or have someone in your family bring it up. Then the kid would feel like you got married because of the baby. It wouldn’t be fair for the child.

Also, If you have a baby when you are not married, there is no “real” commitment and maybe you have a lot of trust and faith in your boyfriend, but I have always been skeptical of men (my poor fiance’ knows, yet he still with me and even wants to marry me! Crazy boy) so I would like to say he would stick with you no matter what, but if there is no marriage to hold you together and something goes wrong, then your stuck with him leaving you and the baby… which wouldn’t be very healthy for you or the child.

There’s nothing wrong with marrying young. I am 21 and am getting married this [name]October[/name]. We are aiming to have a child a year or so from now, so I will be either 22 or 23. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as your financially stable and in a secure, committed relationship. I think being together for 2 years is actually not that short. My fiance’ proposed at 1 year. We will be together a total of 3 years on our wedding day. My parents knew each other for 3 months before they got hitched and they are still together, they were 30 at the time though so they both knew basically what they were looking for in a man/woman.

It really depends on maturity and not age…

Well that’s my 2 cents.

17

We actually talked a little bit about marriage the other night. I know that a lot of people in society frown upon doing things different then their way, but I don’t let that dictate my actions. We want to get married because its something that we feel would be right for us, not because someone says we should. And I wouldn’t mind telling my child we weren’t married when we gave birth to him/her. I would tell him/her that there’s nothing wrong with that either, because mommy and daddy love each other, and we love you, and no matter what we’ll all be there for you :slight_smile: And if we did happened to get married later, it wouldn’t be because of the baby. It would be because me and him love each other and decided that it was right for us. I don’t see how any of the above would be unfair to the child. Raising it in a happy home with two [biological] loving parents who work to love and support it together? Or at least its a million times better than the cases where people marry because of their child and then end up resenting each other and fighting and the children are caught in the middle. I think this method would still provide the love and support for the child to emotionally be well rounded and grounded.

There is a real commitment between any two people whether the state represents it or not. Marriage doesn’t even bind most people together. The divorce rate is SO horribly high around here!! The real commitment is when the two people say to each other and themselves that they will always be there for each other, through thick and thin, and work through problems together. The private commitment is what really keeps things working. I honestly am a little skeptical of a lot of men. But I’ve known my boyfriend for so long that I know that isn’t the case. If something goes wrong between me and him he would leave me whether there was a marriage there or not. And that would actually be a much bigger fiasco, as the child would have to handle the divorce court etc. You see, marriage these days doesn’t do much for anything. If a mother and father are at odds to the point of not wanting to be together, the contract no longer means anything to them. [name]Even[/name] if they don’t have an official divorce, the other parent would still walk out, and the situation would be even more messy than ever. Now I feel really bad for children who have to suffer that.

I don’t have a problem with marrying young either, and of course no problem with children young :wink: I want one in the near future! Congrats on the wedding though! and congrats on the 3 years <3 I think your parents 3 months is a very short time, and they are definitely one in a million. The majority of people who marry at 3 months aren’t quite ready. Glad it worked for them!! <3 I agree though, age is just a number. It all depends on your maturity <3

18

What I meant by it wouldn’t be fair for the child because even though you explain to them that you love each other and had a baby, if someone else found, especially other kids, the child would be teased for being born out of wedlock. You can explain to the child yourself all you want, but what other people think will also leave impressions on your child.

Also if you are committed to having a child, then I think you should also be able to be committed to a marriage. If you can’t commit to each other through marriage and if you don’t get married because you are afraid of divorce, then what does that say about your relationship? If you can’t commit to a marriage, how can you commit to a child? A child is a BIGGER responsibility.

Also I can’t help but wonder if the fact you want a baby represents a bigger problem. Are you trying to hold the relationship together by having a child? That is not very healthy and I have a cousin who is currently destroying her life by doing that. Also I am not sure what your financial status is, but you better be sure you can afford to have a child otherwise that also is not fair for the baby.

Marriage to me is very important and I hold it dear. I believe that if you marry, you should NOT be allowed to divorce. Our laws make it so easy and it shouldn’t be, people get married when they shouldn’t. I take marriage very seriously and I will work out whatever problems come our way. People change and if you can’t accept that then you shouldn’t marry. When you marry someone you take them [name]FOREVER[/name] and you stick with it no matter what. If you truly love someone, you would never leave them, no matter what. My fiance’ shares the same view. A marriage is a LIFE [name]LONG[/name] commitment.

Also you have more benefits for being married and your child would benefit from it as well. Also you will have the child end up in court no matter what since even if you aren’t married. You’ll have to decide on who gets custody, who pays child support, etc… All the same things that happen in a divorce happen when you split up and have a child. The child ends up being torn between two people.

3 months is short, but they knew each other before they dated as well for about a year. They were also 30, meaning they had dated A LOT. They knew what they wanted, so 3 months doesn’t seem to long in that situation…

19

I would have to disagree with this. I believe that in society today the whole ‘born out of wedlock’ thing has gone. I know so many people who have been together for years and who are not married and have children, including my own parents. I believe that it justs depends on the type of person you marry, just because you are married doesn’t mean that your husband still can’t leave you!

20

I think times are changing where children (and people in general) aren’t as likely to tease someone for being born out of wedlock. However, I do offer a few practical reasons for getting married. Not all states (as you in the US?) recognize domestic partnerships. Not all companies recognize these for their benefit packages. This could cause a financial burden to your family if you have to seek a self-funded option for you or your spouse (they baby would be able to get insurance through their parent, but the partner may not). Does it matter to you if all family members have the same last name?

I can be dramatic about things, but it all really hit me one day when our oldest daughter was around 3 months old and she and I got pink eye. As I approached the pharmacy to ask for the two prescriptions for the two of us with two different last names and two different insurance policies… it just annoyed me! That “oh it’s just a piece of paper” thing hit me and I wished we had that because I was personally a little embarassed by that interaction. No, no one said anything to me or gave me a dirty look about it, but something touched me inside when that happened.

[name]Cara[/name], I completely understand your interest in keeping the committment personal. You can still do that even if you are married. My DH and I got married in 2004 and we’ve renewed our vows … just the two of us … twice since then! Honestly when I think of being married to him, I don’t really think of my wedding day, I remember the two special days we spent when we spoke vows from the heart and didn’t get any piece of paper at the end!