I am 17 and due to give birth to my first child later this month ([name]EDD[/name] [name]January[/name] 28th). When I announced this news to my mother early last [name]July[/name] (by which point I was about 11 weeks and could no longer hide it), she threw me out of the house with less than 24 hours warning. [name]Ever[/name] since, I have been living with my [name]Nanny[/name], her mother, because [name]Nanny[/name] knew I had nowhere else to go and although she doesn’t exactly approve, her greatest fear was that I would end up living on the streets. [name]Nanny[/name] has been by my side throughout the entire pregnancy: she has attended ultrasound appointments with me, stayed in hospital overnight when my BP dropped dangerously low, has helped me re-organise my high school study; she has done everything I’d have liked to believe my mother might help with me.
I do feel very guilty as she and mum barely speak a word now because mum is angry at [name]Nanny[/name] for taking me in and not forcing me to terminate my pregnancy. [name]Nanny[/name] says it is my choice and she says she can see how much I love my baby and how desperate I am to keep it. She had even started setting up a nursery in the spare bedroom because she wanted baby to have a home to come to once it was born. She had repainted the room as the paint was peeling and had professional cleaners in to clean the carpets - she’s gone above and beyond what I ever could have asked of her.
However, earlier today my mother visits and announces that she wants me home. She told me to pack my things and move back in before the weekend is out. I’ve asked her why the sudden change of heart and she demanded I move home because [name]Nanny[/name] didn’t want me there anymore. I asked [name]Nanny[/name] about this and she said she is happy to have me stay and is looking forward to becoming a great-grandmother.
I think mum is trying to turn me against [name]Nanny[/name]. I do not want to return home because I have heard her tell others that she hates me for falling pregnant at my age and is disgusted with me and wishes I’d terminated the pregnancy. I told her I heard these conversations and she told me to stop telling lies and to quit being a female dog (you all know the word she used!). I know it’s a horrid thing to say, but right now I hate my mum and she is making my life a misery.
I need her to understand what this stress can do to my body and my unborn child. I want to be happy because it’s a happy time and [name]Nanny[/name] makes me happy and makes me feel so welcome. [name]How[/name] do I tell mum that I don’t feel I’m ready to move home and that I’m worried our strained relationship will end up affecting my precious baby?
I think ur last sentence sums it up pretty well. tell her ur not ready to come home and u don’t want the stress of ur relationship to affect u or ur baby’s well being. sounds like ur nanny is a great lady who is giving u a great opportunity. just b sure not to take advantage of her generosity. good luck. what will the baby’s name b??
Tell her straight. If she’s treating you so badly, now is not the time to be home. If your nanny is truly willing to continue helping you on this journey, then that is probably the best answer for you. There’s no need to be in a hostile environment with a brand new baby. Hopefully, you and your mother can work out some of these problems and then you could consider moving back in, but as it stands, I’d stay where you feel happiest and get the most support.
I agree with the previous posters. I would tell your mom that you are uncomfortable moving so close to giving birth and do your best to be busy or asleep or in need of the bathroom (where you can stay a good long while, taking a nice bath while letting her think you’re otherwise occupied) when and if she calls or comes by. I would avoid getting into any fights with her until after having the baby, just to keep your stress level down.
After you have your baby (and this part is going to be stressful, so I would definitely wait until then), I would tell her that she betrayed your trust and that you need time to rebuild that trust. For your own health, I would also try to forgive her, but that doesn’t mean you have to move back in with her or let her hurt you again. Tell her if she wants a relationship with you and your child, then she will have to prove that by talking about what she did to you and apologizing for it and then working with you to rebuild what has been broken.
As a mother, you are now on equal footing with her. She’s still your mom, but your first priority is your child, and she needs to understand that. It sounds like you’re trying hard to make this work, so she should respect you as an adult now. Start slowly with her–go for coffee or to lunch, maybe go walking with her or something. Try to talk to her in public or around other people at first, because she will be less likely to make a scene and will hopefully open up about her anger. Try going to family counseling with her. Go slowly–there’s a root to all her anger, and it hurts to dig up roots. If she’s not willing to undergo these steps, then tell her you can’t allow her to be a part of your life or your baby’s life until she’s willing to deal with this like an adult. It may take a long time, but if you leave the door open, she will hopefully come around. Send her cards and pictures, but avoid meeting with her personally (unless there is something like a big family gathering where you’re comfortable). Stand your ground, but also be kind. Knowing you’re doing your best to be willing to reconcile and rebuild will do wonders for your own psyche, even if she isn’t moving in the same direction.
First of all Congrats with having a baby soon and Good [name]Luck[/name] bc you really need it right now!
Secondly do not move at mom’s right now!! [name]IMO[/name] it would be a HUGE mistake. Your relationship is not that good and the situation at home could be very intense. At this point you should stay very calm and get prepared for birth. As you’ve been staying the whole pregnancy with your [name]Nanny[/name] it would be safer to remain there untill the child is born. [name]Just[/name] tell your mum that you can’t move right now and there’s no need to give her many details. Wait until the baby is born and then if you see that your realationship gets better, if your mom is supporting you, you can go back.
What a wonderful [name]Nanny[/name] you have. I would do exactly the same if one of my grandchildren was in the same predicament.
You cannot change your mother and her spiteful views and she is toxic to you at this moment because her views are making you unhappy.
The very best thing you can do for yourself is to ignore your mother now, don’t let her get under your skin. I had a toxic mother too and it ended up giving me cancer because she made me so sad, so the very best thing you can do it avoid her and don’t let it bother you because you have a special job going on right now, that is growing that beautiful baby of yours.
I am sure that your [name]Nanny[/name] will be like a mother to you not just now but when baby is born and you will find delight in sharing the joys of motherhood with her. So, stick close to her and the love she is giving you because that is what you and your baby need. Besides your [name]Nanny[/name] needs you and the baby a lot too.
I would guess that your mother will always have attitudes that are negative and therefore you will probably find that she is more suited to a role in your life where she has a minor role to play more like a relative who lives in another town but she still needs to be included - but at the right time.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I sat down with my mum over the weekend and explained how she has made me feel - inadequate, upset, frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed. She apologised profusely and begged me to come home, so I had to explain that I did not feel it was the right thing for me or my baby because it was putting a huge amount of stress on me and I was suffering as a result - neck and shoulder cramps, headaches, elevated BP - I just feel that it would be highly detrimental to myself and my baby to move back in. She continued to beg me to move back in and promised that things would change, but then went on to voice her disapproval and how she wishes I’d have waited and use birth control (I did - it failed!) and how she wishes that if I had to have sex, it hadn’t been with such a loser and so forth.
Well, she was fuming and I was fuming! Told me to stay with [name]Nanny[/name] and no even think about moving back. She told me to follow her down the hall - turns out that she is in the process of clearing out her craft room and has started to repaint the walls and clear the mould of the roof because she was intending on converting the room to a nursery and said she’d even moved her craft supplies into the cramped old room that use to be the laundry (before she renovated the house some years ago).
In the heat of the moment, I told her it was presumptious to assume I’d be moving back in and that I hated what she was doing to her unborn grandchild because she’d be bloody lucky if I didn’t go into early labour with a severely stressed baby! I told her she’d be the death of the baby if she didn’t shut up and stay out of things!
Well, today I’m feeling guilty as all hell and have decided to stay on bed rest; my back aches, my head is spinning and I’m so ticked off with myself! [name]How[/name] could I have blown up at her like that?! She may have been incredibly rude but she’s still my mother and let’s be honest - I need a home to go to because I can’t live with [name]Nanny[/name] forever.
Now I feel like crap - worse daughter ever! I think I’ll stay locked in my room today so [name]Nanny[/name] won’t fail victim to the foul mood I’m in. The only good thing to come of this - it has helped me to decide a middle name without any worry about the consequences. No way am I honouring a woman so spiteful to her own daughter!
Mum has really upset you again, so it is pointless even thinking of moving in with her. You need a calm atomosphere which sounds unlikely at Mum’s place.
When the time is right apologise to Mum for losing your cool but don’t go back now you are far better at [name]Nanny[/name]'s house. And don’t worry about where you are going to live later, just look after yourself and baby now and try to relax.
Good idea to lay low for a couple of hours till you can be normal with [name]Nanny[/name] around. I am sure that she worries about you.