We have taken a small step back from the first name debate and stepped into the (until now) uncharted territory of surnames…
My man and I are not getting married and thus have different surnames. We’ve spent a lot of time discussing it, but we’re not really getting any further. So what do you think we should do? These are the possibilities as far as we can see. If anyone has other brilliant ideas, they will be much appreciated.
Choosing his surname which is quite rare in [name]England[/name] and very pretty. However, he has three brothers with a whole lot of sons to carry on the surname.
Choosing my surname which is more common. I am the only person in my family who carries it (I changed my surname at eighteen to carry on a part of our family history which would’ve been lost of I didn’t), and it shows my Jewish heritage.
Choosing a double-barrelled surname. Our surnames are both one syllable ones, and they both end in -s. [name]Both[/name] kind of sound like words, and said together, definitely sounds like a description of something. And the children will have two middle names, which would make the name sound like [name]Fiammetta[/name] [name]Ophelia[/name] [name]Noor[/name] Weeks-[name]Eames[/name] (not actual surnames).
Dropping on of the middles, and place either his or mine in the second middle spot. It would solve the problem, but it doesn’t look very nice.
Choosing a new surname, his mother’s maiden name and my great grandmother’s maiden name are the same.
Since you and your SO aren’t getting married, I would hyphenate your child’s surname. Unless you plan to call your child by all five names I don’t think the length is a big deal.
I would use the hyphenated surname even if you have to sacrifice a bit on the style you are looking for. I have a different surname than my oldest son and we have run into several problems because of it. These include needing a notarized letter when traveling internationally with our passports, needing extra documents to prove residency for him, and basic hassles when trying to get “family discounts” on things like a seasonal pool pass. I wish I’d given him the hyphenated name or at least used my name as his middle or second middle so it would be on his official documents.
I would hyphenate, even if the flow and sound are not ideal. My boyfriend and I have no intention of marrying either, but it’s what we’ve already decided to do if a child comes along.
Friends of ours wrestled with this decision because their names also combined to form something descriptive and phrasey (think “[name]Green[/name]-Bacon”). Ultimately, they went with his name for the surname and used hers as a second middle name for all children. My friend has regrets now because 1) her name is important to her, and she realizes now that she would have liked to have seen it better represented in her children’s names than hidden away as a rarely used second middle, and 2) her only brother has since passed, and there’s no one from her branch of the family passing down the name. This hurts her; she feels like they’ve lost something important. If they had it to do over again, I know they’d hyphenate.
Im the minority opinion, but I wouldn’t hyphenate. I would simply chose your boyfriend’s surname.
– you mentioned that the combination sounds like an object / descriptor pairing
– even in the UK, I think five total names is too much for one child
– your current surname is not one in use in your family. Obviously it’s a bit sad when a branch of one’s lineage “dies out” or is no longer overtly represented. But of course it doesn’t, not really. Your [name]Baby[/name] will always be 1/8 or 1/16th or whatever fraction of “Weeks” s/he actually is, name or not. If honoring your Jewish ancestry is important to you, raise and educate [name]Baby[/name] accordingly
I’m married, but didn’t change my surname. [name]Antoine[/name] has his paternal surname, no hyphenation, no fuss. I have never had to prove my parentage in order to fly with him or run into any other bureaucratic problems.
I like option #5 best and wish I had done that myself. Besides, how cool is that! That both your great grandma and his mom shared a maiden name? What a story to tell your kid.
I wouldn’t hyphenate in your case simply because I don’t like two ends-in-s names right next to each other (which is why I ruled out [name]Isis[/name] as a middle name option for any future daughters, and why I myself didn’t hyphenate - we both had ends-in-s surnames).
I would avoid the two surnames. My sister and her boyfriend gave their daughter both their surnames hyphenated (they have no intention of getting married). Not only does my niece have the longest name ever with the two last names, but people only refer to her by her father’s surname (since it is listed as second). I like the idea of option number five but that also might present problems for you two since neither you or your bf will share the same surname. My two cents is to use either your surname or your bf’s.
I like the idea of option number 5 because it’s so meaningful to you and honors/carries on the history of both families. If you choose this, however, all three of you will have a different last name, which could cause some problems down the road. If the two of you are really feeling ballsy, I would throw in option 5a: ALL of you change your last name to the common maiden name in both your families. It solidifies your family unit, which I think is important regardless of whether you’re married or not. But like I said, it’s the ballsy option.
If option 5 (or 5a) is out for you, I would go with the hyphenated last name. [name]Baby[/name] has two parents and both are going to be equally involved in her life, so why should she only carry one last name, especially if you’re not getting married? If you go with this option though, I would make sure that you emphasize to people right off the bat that [name]Baby[/name] has [name]BOTH[/name] names and use a hyphen rather than a space to avoid having the last names split up on official documents. It still irritates me to no end when people from my husband’s family send us letters and such addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. ‘Strong’.” That’s “KELLAR-Strong” to you, Uncle [name]Abner[/name]!
Choose whichever sound best with the name you choose for your baby. If the name you choose sounds better with your last name, choose that one and vise versa. Normally I would say that you ought to go for the hyphenated name but if it sounds absolutely ridiculous, I get your point.
Thanks everyone! The best would definitely be to do both names, but it sounds ridiculous, like Wise-Boys or something similar. I’m leaning towards using his surname as it’s prettier, and since we’re not getting married it might make things easier for him? I mean, I got to carry the baby inside me and have that connection, maybe it’s fair to let him have the name. I also toy with the idea of using a new one… especially for all of us to change it. Can’t imagine my boyfriend will want to (although maybe I could persuade him to do it privately, not professionally), but it’s a sweet idea. And the surname is pretty neat. I actually have two friends who did this, they both had super common surnames ([name]Lewis[/name] & [name]Smith[/name]) and they found a name on his family tree which is so rare and beautiful and changed their names.
I think, no matter what, you should do what feel right to you. I’m inclined to agree to use his surname, but once your little one is here, the right option may be perfectly clear to you. It’s too bad that the hyphenation won’t work out easily.
I think I misread - I thought option #5 meant both of you changing your surnames to the one your great grandma and his mom both had. I would not just randomly change your surname if no one else will have it, then there would be little point. If that option is out, then I would just keep your last name as it is and let the baby have one or the other, or change your surname to his. ([name]Just[/name] because you’re not getting married doesn’t mean the whole family can’t share a name.)
Maybe since you plan on using two middles, one of them could be the shared maiden name so there is a connection with your side of the family. And then use his surname.
I wouldn’t suggest hyphenating. It just seems like a lot of names for a child, and especially not if they don’t sound very nice together.
It makes me so nervous to think about you guys replacing one of [name]Baby[/name]'s beautiful middle names just to try to fit another surname into the third spot… I’m sure you can choose after you have just spent so much time making these 3-name combinations perfect!
I misunderstood too, that option #5 would be to change yours and your boyfriend’s last names so that all 3 of you would share a new one (or old one as the case may be… how awesome that each of your family histories shares a common name!) This is my absolute dream, adopting an entirely new surname as opposed to just choosing from one family or the other, although I suppose this scenario makes more sense if the conflict is over whose name to take after a marriage. It might be an unnecessary complication in this case.
There’d be nothing wrong with choosing your surname, especially since it seems to have a lot of meaning for you. I personally never worried about ensuring our family name is preserved, but if that is important to you, than it’d be cute to give [name]Baby[/name] your last name.
Going with whichever name sounds “the best” within the rest of the name combo is a valid idea until you consider that perhaps the next baby’s name (theoretically) would sound a bit better when paired with the other person’s surname and I doubt that you would want your kids to have different last names so it’d be better to just decide on one now and stick with it.
In all honesty, if I were you I would just go ahead and use boyfriend’s last name. I love that you said it was uncommon in [name]England[/name] and if it’s pretty then that is a bonus as well. (It does seem fair to give him a bit of representation. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I assume even if you two did end up getting married you would probably keep your surname anyway?) Good luck [name]Ottilie[/name]! =]
We went with a double-barrelled surname and my DD has 2 middle names, her whole name is 10 syllables. Most people don’t use their middle names daily so it’s not a major problem for the occasional form. I didn’t want to lose my name just because of tradition and we love telling the children their names represent both my family and DP’s. We’ve never really had any problem. People sometimes just use the last name, but we correct them and then they never make the mistake again. Only people who refuse to remember is my in-laws who just don’t get it as it’s ‘weird’.
[name]Hope[/name] you find a solution that works for you both.
Thanks everyone, I think I’ve decided on using his surname. I can’ be bothered to change my own surname, and I want our children to have the same name as one of us. If I feel left out I can always add his to mine at some point.
[name]Amy[/name], thank you for going through it so thoroughly. You are a star! Malk, you too
