Without getting too political (that’s how I am opening all my conversations lately), my husband is asking that we modify our middle name pattern, which include some distinctive names that are clearly connected to our religion and ethnicity ([name_m]Feivel[/name_m], [name_f]Shoshanah[/name_f], [name_f]Hadassah[/name_f], [name_m]Herschel[/name_m]. We also have [name_u]Benjamin[/name_u] and [name_m]Jeremiah[/name_m], which are more “passing”). In the year 2020, DH wonders if its safe or responsible parenting to use middle names like this. We cannot retroactively change the middle names of the kids we already have (and that’s not a discussion we’re having) but he is asking me to break the pattern for our baby’s safety.
The middle names we had agreed upon were | are [name_f]Yocheved[/name_f] for a girl and [name_m]Anshel[/name_m] for a boy. He’s not supportive of [name_m]Anshel[/name_m] anymore . He says we should stick to Hebrew names also used by Christians (hence his current position on [name_f]Yocheved[/name_f]). That means no Yiddish names allowed, and honestly, I’m sure that when he thinks about [name_f]Yocheved[/name_f] some more he’s also going to exclude it.
I’m not sure what my position is right now. I want to keep our pattern, not for the sake of aesthetics but because I want this little reflection of our family’s history and on-going journey to accompany our children wherever they go. Then again, I can’t deny that recently I feel a bit of hesitation and ideas cross my mind when filling out our children’s school forms and including their middle names. I wonder what their teachers are going to “do” with these middle names, what other parents might make out of them, and if I did the right thing by them. In a world where there are very fine people on both sides of the line, I hate to say it but DH might have a point.
Also, maybe I’m just very pregnant and not thinking straight. But DH is not pregnant and he’s thinking about it.
Is anyone considering this “kind of political” factors into their naming choices? What has been the veredict so far? This isn’t a fear-based post, although it might read that way, but rather a serious conversation we’re having at home, so if anyone has anything to share one way or the other, I would love to get your insight.
I have a lot of the same fears, unfortunately. I am tending to pick more passing first names and giving myself a bit of leeway on middles though.
Maybe you could pick an [name_f]English[/name_f] variant of a name you love (for example, maybe [name_u]Archer[/name_u] or [name_u]Asher[/name_u] for [name_m]Anshel[/name_m]) and have the Hebrew name be the name you love instead? Only if you’re doing a separate Hebrew name, of course.
And I don’t know any of my classmates middle names besides my friends. I can ask my parents if they knew some of them in Elementary school when they did directories and if my dad gets his students middle names (teaches middle school). I’ve only ever really had middle names given out to the rest of the class in preschool (ironically, went to a Jewish one and that was only because they needed to differentiate between the three Leahs ). So I don’t think most people will know and judge your kids middle names, if that makes you and your husband feel any better.
Mazel tov on your pregnancy and btw, [name_m]Anshel[/name_m] and [name_f]Yocheved[/name_f] are both beautiful names, and a lot of Yiddish names can “pass” as secular ([name_f]Reina[/name_f] or [name_f]Shayna[/name_f] come to mind especially!)
Edit: reading this again and facepalming at how I suggested Asher as an English variant. What I meant was a Hebrew name turned common and not super attached anymore to most non-Jews.
I wish I could be more helpful, but I am not in the same position at all. I understand the concerns of discrimination and hate, which are an unfortunate reality. However, it’s sad to think that you would forgo meaningful names that you love for the sake of passing. Middle names are so rarely used, anyway. I think @MagnoliaE’s advice is great, and more helpful than I can be!
My heart goes out to you and your husband as you have this terrible discussion. Last time I approached something similar to this practical question I ended up regretting even opening my virtual mouth, but this is honestly very moving and I want to say that you’re heard and understood.
You know the community you live in better than anyone could. If you really feel like things are so bad and potentially dangerous that something as innocent as a middle name will cause suffering to your child, I think anyone in your position would say “f this, I’m going to use the most passing name and find a different way to celebrate heritage”. I think the fact that you’re wondering about classmates and teachers is quite telling. There are other ways to make your heritage and that of your child known and felt, but of course, there is beauty and power in their names.
If you feel like you and your child are safe-ish, and the names you’ve chosen represent not only heritage but courage and pride at this point, it is not bad or irresponsible parenting to use them.
What a wonderful non-answer! All I can say is keep the conversation going and hopefully you’ll reach the conclussion that gives you peace, pride and confidence.
My partner and I had this discussion for our LO. [name_f]My[/name_f] parents had it for me. It really is a matter of how much of an opportunity there is for passing. I couldn’t pass, and my parents knew it, so they chose a name they thought would emphasize and represent my heritage, which is reflected by my physical appearance. However, there is a chance that LO could pass, and that is both painful, wonderful, scary, concerning, a bit of a relief, and a whole package of “what am I going to do?”. If you find the answer before we do, please tell us the secret .
@pinkbar I’m with your husband here.
Duty to protect / set child up for advantage comes before anything else.
A name broadcasts a lot of information looong before anyone has the opportunity to meet your wonderful son/daughter as an individual and see what a beautiful, kind, and amazing person they are. A name that immediately bins a child into a certain group or subgroup always risks the chilf being targeted by those who dislike that group. Including, yes, violent hate groups. Including those who are “standing by.”
What we all saw last night, and what we’ve seen over the past 3.5 years, I think is absolutely right to give people pause. Is it right that so many people are having this conversation, this caution? No, absolutely not. But that’s a longer term problem that can only begin being solved with everyone voting against hate, violence, and discrimination this election. To reaffirm the values of society that we wish to uphold. In time, hopefully, the hate and divide in this country will begin to heal and dissipate…
SUGGESTION:
In the meantime, I’d say go with a “passing” name. One that honors heritage without making the child inadvertantly more likely to be targeted by the elements in this country that we WISH weren’t here… but who very clearly are here. It is right to factor in risk; it is not “giving up” on a name you love; it is loving your child and protecting them at all costs and being wise especially during scary and uncertain times. Simply put, it is good parenting. You mentioned Anshel. Perhaps Ansel as a variant of Anshel, etc. And then kid can have a yiddish name as a religious namesake that isn’t part of his/her official name. Your child’s official name won’t make him/her any less part of the culture/heritage.
If you have a very distinctive last name the middle name doesn’t matter so do whatever. If you have a passing last name, still do whatever. Middle names are a free for all because a lot of people don’t know them. If you have a safe first name you should be good. On a somewhat unrelated note: ethnic names mean more scholarship opportunities.
How sad for all of us that these are discussions we have to have in 2020. I am so sorry for you,
Pinkbar, that you feel this way, but I actually think your concerns are valid and not irrational. I don’t know where you live, but I live in [name_u]America[/name_u] and I ask myself: how did we get to this place? I’m sad for all of us but hopeful things may improve.
Anyway, back to our name discussion: I’m a fairly religious [name_u]Christian[/name_u] who gave my children Old Testament names. There are plenty to choose from that are quite mainstream and don’t give much of anything away. Would one of these names strike that balance of keeping your heritage/fitting in with broader society?
Again, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I don’t think your specific minority group is going to be the last to be oppressed though, and those of us in the majority need to pay close attention to what’s going on in our world so that we can be allies. That’s all I can say without sounding political on a naming site.