Opinions needed

I need some opinions on this…

DH and I have a three year old son, Hjörtur [name_m]Emmanuel[/name_m], and are currently TTC for baby number two. I’m half Icelandic, 25% Swedish and 25% Polish. DH is half English, half Ugandese. When our son was born we had a hard time deciding and compromising on his name, but in the end we decided on first name Hjörtur, an Icelandic name meaning “deer”, and middle name [name_m]Emmanuel[/name_m], after DH’s grandfather. His parents, especially his mother, never liked our son’s name. She hated the fact we chose an Icelandic name, she always felt like DH was denying his heritage in some way, even though baby’s middle name was her father’s name.
This weekend, DH told his mother that we were planning on having another baby. She was very excited, because she always felt like one child isn’t enough and she wants her son, and all of her other children, to have a big family. She also mentioned she hopes we chose a better name for our baby this time, something that sounds “more African” (her own words). DH told her we’d consider it, without asking me. I’m more inclined to gave baby number two an Icelandic name… Not because I don’t want to honor DH’s heritage, it’s my children’s heritage too, and of course I’d love to honor that… With a middle name, as we did with Hjörtur. I don’t want to be difficult, and I suppose if DH wants a different kind of first name, I’d have to consider it, but in my heart I don’t agree.
What would you guys do?

Quite honestly, I think you should alternate which of your heritages you choose to honor. Because you named your first born with an Icelandic name, your next child should have an African name. I don’t think it’s wrong that your mother-in-law wants a child named with their Heritage, although I do think it’s wrong that she is trying to shame you for giving your son a name with your heritage. And I think that your husband definitely should have discussed it with you before he agreed to anything

Has your husband stated his opinion on this? My view might be a little idealistic, not having named kids my own, but the baby name should be the parents’ decision alone. Of course your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] can state her opinion, but your post suggests that she overstepped a line there. Also, if you’re taking turns with the honour names, shouldn’t the next be swedish/polish/british?

Does your husband have any siblings with children, and do any of them have African names? [name_f]MIL[/name_f] might be feeling left out.

Is there a reason you don’t want to use a different origin of names for #2? Is it because of a contrast in styles or something else? Why is your heritage honored in the first name spot while your husband’s is pushed to the middle? I guess I’m just having a hard time understanding your concern with using an African name.

It also doesn’t sound like your husband agreed to anything. Your post said he told his mom you’d consider it. In those words, it sounds more like a “I’ll talk to my wife about this but we haven’t decided on anything yet” than a “Yes, absolutely, we’re going to do that 100%”. I agree with PP who say that his mom should butt out.

This seems like a discussion you should have with your DH. Ask him what he expects in a name for #2 and go from there. It doesn’t sound like you’re pregnant yet (?) just trying, so you have time to figure things out. Good luck!

Well first of all, if it were me in that situation, I would be asking DH to talk to his mother about saying things like that she hopes you pick a “better” name the next time around. [name_m]How[/name_m] rude! I think if your husband wants to use an African name you should ask him to come up with a list of names that he would like to use as first names. It can be tough if you don’t like the names he does or if you can’t agree, but try your best to compromise! I don’t think you guys owe [name_f]MIL[/name_f] anything, your nane choice is up to you, so don’t force yourselves into using a name that you don’t like just to appease her. She already named her children.

@wandarine: my husband doesn’t have a strong opinion on this, the most important thing for him is that our children have names we love with a meaning we like. But he doesn’t want to hurt his mother, so he tries to compromise. The thing is, I don’t feel like we should be taking turns with honoring heritage, I just want names that I love and a coherent sibset.

@jensowvlen: both DH’s sisters have children with Biblical or African names, three of them honoring family members. So I doubt she’s feeling left out in general.

@sparkleninja18: there are two main reasons I don’t want to use an African name: I don’t like the names enough to use them for my child, and for baby number two: I want a coherent sibset. I don’t see why I should feel obliged to use a name I don’t even like. Only two people decide what name we give our children, and that’s me and my husband. I don’t hear my parents complaining because we haven’t used a Polish or Swedish name.

Your child’s name is solely determined by you and DH so your [name_f]MIL[/name_f]'s or anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant. I think she is probably taking issue because the 1st child has such an obviously Icelandic first name. I don’t know that she would feel the same if the 1st child had been given a more “neutral”, not specific to any one heritage. For this reason I’d go for a more “neutral” name this time around if it were me but again that’s up to you and DH to decided what would be best. I would still just peruse the plethora African names out there to see if anything jumps out at you before ruling it out completely if you think it would make your husband happy. Good luck!

Between you and your husband, you have a lot of cultures and you can’t possibly honor them all. With your first one, you picked a very decidedly Icelandic name as the first name. That’s huge, and I actually feel that the coherency in sibset you’re looking for would in fact be to have a Ugandese name as the first name of the second child - possibly with your name as the middle. I would honestly find it highly offensive to choose two Icelandic names. And regarding wanting coherency, when you pick a name like Hjörtur, what options are there for creating coherency that aren’t also plain Icelandic? Your family is part Icelandic, part Ugandese. Yes, those are very different cultures and name styles probably, but i think therein lies your challenge here: to unify your family honoring both sides equally.

A second option to play this is to leave the second child’s first name up to your husband. If HE decides he wants to honor his British heritage instead, that’s his choice. I would not try to influence him based on your own preferences. And you get to decide the middle name.

@vc2013: I get what you’re saying, though I don’t agree with all of it. And I want to add, it’s not like I forced my husband into giving our son an Icelandic name. In fact, we were planning on giving our baby a more neutral, or cross cultural, first name, but Hjörtur was a name that was on my list and that he picked, because he liked it more than for instance [name_m]Emmanuel[/name_m].
Also, none of [name_f]MIL[/name_f]'s children have a traditional African name. DH’s name is [name_m]Oscar[/name_m], for example.

@rosebeth - naming a child is up to the parents entirely. So in my opinion, it is only about picking a name that you and your DH agree on, period, end of story. Your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] has no say, and quite frankly, in my opinion needs to keep her opinions out of your name discussions, it is not as if you or your DH asked for ideas and/or advice on naming your potential future child. And I think it was extremely rude of her to say that your son’s name isn’t nice. She had her chance to name her children, now it’s you and your husband’s turn.

I can totally relate to this.

You shouldn’t be pressured to use an African name just because you didn’t use it on the first spot last time. Naming a child is not a game, nor a competition. Family should step away from this, as I find it a very intimate and personal process between the parents. They can obviously help and suggest, but they should never ever shame you for what you chose for your child. It is YOUR child, remember. And you can trust me when I say that you alwas look for what’s best for your child regarding his environment. If you don’t like any African name, why on earth should you just name your child whatever name your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] wants? That’s not ok.

You should seriously consider sitting down and having a deep talk with your husband. You should talk about your priorities. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you prefer giving your own child a name you dislike just because you want to see your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] happy for about 2 weeks? Because after that she’ll just forget about it. When a child is named and that name suits him, the naming-problems are over.

I totally get you when you say you want a coherent sibset… I wouldn’t want to end up with a sibset like… idk [name_f]Modesty[/name_f], Riot & [name_f]Tequila[/name_f] (just joking lol). But I understand where you get from! [name_f]Every[/name_f] mom wants their childrens names to go with each other nicely and neatly! And I’m sorry but in my case my kids go first, childish family members can stand in the background.

Good luck on you naming-journey!

@tfzolghadr: thank you for sharing your experiences. I can relate to some things you mentioned. I want to say, however, that the fact I might not want to give my child an African name does not at all mean that I’m not open to the culture. DH and I are very aware of the fact that our family is a mixture of cultures, and it’s definitely reflected in the way we live and raise our son. Not only in the more “shallow” things like food, but also in the stories we tell him, the music we listen to etc. I know a lot about my own heritage and about my husband’s. I grew up in Iceland, but I also speak Swedish and Polish (and English of course), I know a lot about DH’s culture and heritage. Hjörtur is three years old, he’s bilingual and can understand a third language, though he doesn’t speak it.
I guess what I’m saying is, the names you give your children are not the only way to pass on someone’s heritage.

@jtucker and stellavra99: I agree that naming a child is something between the parents of the baby. I do understand, however, that [name_f]MIL[/name_f]'s opinion matters to my husband. The thing is, usually I get along fine with my [name_f]MIL[/name_f], but she can be difficult. I try to ignore it and focus on the things we do agree on, but it’s not always easy.

@tfzolghadr: point taken. And of course I don’t know everything about his culture, I don’t even know everything about my own. Nobody does, that’s impossible and I would never claim that.