Hi Berries! I just found out I’m pregnant again and we are hoping and praying our little one is on the way.
My top name is a family name honoring immediate family that can be toxic and we have had our fair share of issues in the past, but overall we are in a good place with them today. Part of me worries about locking in my possible daughters name with something that immediately reminds us of them in case there are future rifts. If I’m being honest, they aren’t people that I particularly want my daughter to aspire to be like. However, Dh and I really do like the name & again, we are all in a good place today. I think & hope they will be better grandmothers than they were mothers.
Regardless, they are our mothers and would be my children’s grandmothers, so my natural incliniation is to continue on with the name based on the love we do have for both of them.
What do you think? Have you ever known of anyone who has chosen an honor name and come to regret it?
I can give my own two cents as someone who is named after someone who may be controversial. Sorry if this comes across really personal or TMI but I feel like it can give some insight into your situation.
I am named after my father. Literally, we have the same names, just reversed. I love my father and this year we have been working on establishing a better relationship between us, but throughout my life he has not been the best figure, either as a father or as a person, and I can look back and acknowledge this as an adult. I mean, at the time of my birth he wasn’t like horrible or anything (which is why my mom agreed to bestow his names upon me), but things got really, really rocky for a long period of my life. Despite that, I like my name and I’ve never felt any type of way about it being my father’s, even when our relationship was much less than ideal. It feels like me - I can’t imagine being named anything else. Like, yes, they got it from my father, but now it’s my name and it’s me. I don’t really know how to put this feeling into words other than despite the name coming from someone else originally, it’s now my own identity and even when I had a very complicated relationship with my father, that did not change how it felt about my own name.
I really appreciate you sharing this! It’s a very interesting perspective I never thought of before. [name_f]Glad[/name_f] to hear you’re healing with your dad.
the fact you bring up that both can be toxic and hope they’ll be better grandmothers than mothers gives me a pause. If all those issues were truly in the past, and you were fully confident in continued harmony, I don’t think you’d feel a too much hesitation
for me, if I was going to use an honour, I’d want that honour to be something for my kid to be proud of, something that they’d want to, not live up to necessarily, but enjoy being name after, be inspired by. Basically, I’d use an honour for one of my parents, but not the other
however, you say it’s a version of the name - how close is it, how recognisably tied to those people? Would it be a name of her own, and not utterly tied to them, if something did go wrong? By that, [name_f]Isabella[/name_f] for [name_f]Isabelle[/name_f], [name_f]Louisa[/name_f] for [name_u]Louise[/name_u], [name_f]Annie[/name_f] for [name_u]Anne[/name_u], [name_f]Rosa[/name_f] for [name_f]Rose[/name_f] are very close, whereas something like [name_f]Ginevra[/name_f] for [name_f]Jennifer[/name_f], [name_f]Zadie[/name_f] for [name_f]Sarah[/name_f], [name_f]Maisy[/name_f] for [name_f]Margaret[/name_f], might be more doable
would you consider the honour as a middle - so you still get the name you like, still get the honour, without it being right there in your face?
I don’t have any personal insight on this topic, and I think the advice you’ve already been given is wonderful. One thing I would add, probably it would be best to wait until after she is born to announce the name. That way, you’ll have the freedom to change your mind without having to worry about how they’d react.
It’s honestly a very personal choice that I don’t think anyone here can make for you. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you think they are people worth honoring? [name_u]Or[/name_u] do you love the name so much it doesn’t matter?
This is a tricky situation and I understand how difficult it must be.
[name_f]My[/name_f] entire name honors family. my first name is a direct honor to my grandfather (literally the exact name), so I’ll add my two cents coming from this position
[name_f]My[/name_f] mom has always had a difficult relationship with her family, and it honestly surprises me to this day that she even chose to name me after her father. I love my grandpa, I really do. He is protective, funny and gruff. But we do not see eye to eye in the slightest. I’ve always struggled with the fact that I’m named after a man whose values are so fundamentally different to mine; there are things about myself that I can never tell him for fear of him never speaking to me again. There are times that I’ve felt very sad and extremely uncomfortable that I share a name with him. But I know how pleased he was when my parents announced my name, I know how much he loves his family, I know that we do share a special bond because of this connection.
I live far away from my grandpa, I see him once a year, if that, and I know that someday he will be gone and I will miss visiting him, no matter how different we are. If nothing else, he created the amazing, strong woman who is my mother and that is something worth honoring. But if I had been in the same situation as my mom, I don’t know that I would’ve used the name.
Not sure if that’s helpful at all, I wish you luck and hope your child has the most spectacular relationship with their grandmothers!!
Thank you so much! This was really helpful. I think I need to reframe my thinking to what the benefits are of choosing the name (ex. I love it, I love them regardless of their issues) and decide if it’s enough.
