Our family of 3 will be a family of 6!

I personally think it’s important to be honest with [name]Dottie[/name], telling her that this is her cousin [name]Henry[/name], and he’s going to be her new brother, just like [name]Eloise[/name] and [name]Matilda[/name] will be her new sisters. (I’m assuming you already told her why he’s coming to live with you.) This way, she’ll know he’s her cousin, but also view him and treat him as a brother and part of her immdiate family. Only you know what’s best for [name]Dottie[/name], though, and what she can understand.

As for your titles, I think it would be great to introduce yourself to him using your first names, B and K, so that he doesn’t feel as though you’re trying to take the place of his parents, especially his dad. You can tell him that you love him very much, and let him know that he can call you whatever makes him comfortable.

I worked with grieving children years ago, and thought I’d suggest having plenty of crayons/markers on hand for him, because coloring is a wonderful medium through which children can express themselves without saying a word.

I haven’t had this experience myself, but I do think kids can understand complex situations often a lot better than we give them credit for. So I would explain the situation to both [name]Dottie[/name] and [name]Henry[/name] and let them take it from there … Here’s an example of what I mean …

To [name]Dottie[/name]: [name]Henry[/name]'s dad was like a brother (a cousin) to your dad. Your dad told [name]Henry[/name]'s dad that if [name]Henry[/name]'s dad every were to be hurt or die, he would take care of [name]Henry[/name] and be his dad. You know last week, Daddy was called away because [name]Henry[/name]'s dad died in an accident. We are very sad, and [name]Henry[/name] is so sad, and this is very hard for [name]Henry[/name]. Since his dad died, [name]Henry[/name] is now going to live with us and be a part of our family. In another month or so, you will be getting 2 brand new sisters. Although [name]Henry[/name] was born into another family, he is going to be a big brother to [name]Mattie[/name] and [name]Ellie[/name] just like you are going to be their big sister. We are all going to be a family – [name]Henry[/name] will be a big brother to the twins when they arrive. You and [name]Henry[/name] are going to share a room (at least until we move to a new house). We love you and we love [name]Henry[/name], and if you want to be a sister to [name]Henry[/name], you can be. If you aren’t sure about that yet, then you and [name]Henry[/name] can just be friends. It’s up to you. Thank you so much for welcoming [name]Henry[/name] and for helping him to be comfortable here. You are being a great new sister to [name]Henry[/name].

[name]Henry[/name]: We know that right now you are missing your dad a lot. We know that we can never replace your dad for you, but we want you to be a part of our family, if that’s okay with you. You are a wonderful boy, and we love you very much. We are going to take care of you, and you are going to live here with us and be our child. It’s up to you what you want to call us. We are going to take care of you in the same way that your dad and mom would have taken care of you if they were still alive, although we know that we aren’t going to replace your mom and dad for you. Right now, this probably all feels really upsetting to you, but we want you to be our child, just like [name]Dottie[/name] is our child. We are also going to be having two more children next month, and we are hoping that you will be a big brother to these little babies. Would you like to call us mom and dad or B and K? It’s up to you to decide. We know that you have another dad, and we can’t ever take his place. But we love you and want you to be our child and live with us and be a part of our family. If you want, you can call me mom sometimes or B/K sometimes. Or you can call me B/K all or the time. Or you can call me mom all of the time. It’s up to you. OK?

The children will help you to work out many of the knots, I’m sure.
Take care.

P.S. If you can explain the concept of adoption to [name]Henry[/name] and [name]Dottie[/name] right off the bat, then you can refer to yourself as [name]Henry[/name]'s adoptive mom to others while [name]Henry[/name] is present, and he will have a notion of what you mean. I think it will never be forgotten that you are [name]Henry[/name]‘s adoptive mom and the girls’ biological mom, but I don’t think [name]Henry[/name] will feel left out at all because of that. It’s just a fact that’s never going to change, though what the difference is between an adoptive and biological mom will become fuzzier with time.

Great advice. Our dining table looks like an art studio most of the time anyways because thats where I work on drawings and lately [name]Dottie[/name] has been joining me by scribbling in coloring books. Hopefully, [name]Henry[/name] will feel like he can join us and work out some of his feelings.

I have talked to [name]Dottie[/name] about the situation - telling her Daddy is with [name]Henry[/name], etc. I am probably putting too much pressure upon myself on this initial meeting. The kids will like you have said, work it out.

[name]Deirdre[/name] -
Great advice and ideas. We have started to have these conversations with the kids. It gives me comfort that you are on the same wavelength that we are attempting to be on.

My husband wants to keep him as active as he can for awhile. From his perspective, he thinks boys work things out through actions (like sports, etc.)

I know of some books for grieving children, too, if you’d like some titles.

He wants to be [name]Harry[/name] [name]Potter[/name] for Halloween? That’s adorable! He sounds so sweet!

:slight_smile:

Yes. I would love some recommendations on books. I want to be as prepared as I can be!

Oops! Ignore this. :slight_smile:

35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child, by the staff of the Dougy Center

Helping Children Cope With the Loss of a Loved One: A guide for grownups, by [name]William[/name] C. Kroen

Help Me [name]Say[/name] Goodbye, by [name]Janis[/name] Silverman (a workbook for young children that utilizes art therapy)

I Miss You, by [name]Pat[/name] [name]Thomas[/name]

After [name]Charlotte[/name]'s Mom Died (by [name]Cornelia[/name] Spelman)

If I think of more, I’ll let you know!

Depends on what day of the week it is. That is what [name]Dottie[/name] will be for Halloween.

She keeps changing her mind - or at least forgetting what she had wanted to be!! First time I asked, she wanted to be a puppy. Then she wanted to be [name]Cinderella[/name]. Then [name]Eloise[/name] (from the Plaza - btw, we watched that movie about 10 days ago or so and she LOVED it). Then she wanted to be a hockey player - WHAT?!? yeah. that was totally her dad setting that one up. Others - Tinkerbelle, Superman (Her dad makes her think these are cool), [name]Tigger[/name], a monkey. But my favorite - Polar [name]Bear[/name]. (the polar bear came about because I was watching Planet [name]Earth[/name] and they were talking about the polar bears and I started crying. I probably would have cried if I wasnt pregnant, too, but she asked me why I was crying and then she started crying too, or at least put on her sad wimpering face. We had a big old girl sobfest about polar bears.)

Hmmm… [name]Harry[/name] [name]Potter[/name] and a Polar [name]Bear[/name]. Classic. :slight_smile:

I love it! [name]Harry[/name] [name]Potter[/name] and a polar bear! :slight_smile: I love [name]Dottie[/name]'s personality, and it makes me love her name even more.

I think we were posting at the same time, but I just want to make sure that you saw the post with the book titles.

Have a great night! :slight_smile:

I forgot to mention [name]Maria[/name] Shriver’s book, What’s [name]Heaven[/name]?

[name]Hi[/name] I think that [name]Deidre[/name] ‘verbalised’ everything so well, better than I could have and I agree with everything she said.

I think that as time goes by [name]Henry[/name] will want to call you Mom and Dad but it is probably too raw at the moment. [name]Just[/name] as long as he understands you are going to look after him always and to love him to bits I am sure that the rest will follow.

If you are having a bad hair day just pour it all out to us because we are all supportive of you.

Thanks [name]Jill[/name]! I will look those books up tomorrow morning.

Good night!

:slight_smile:

Thank you [name]Rollo[/name]. I really appreciate it and really am feeling all the support.

Thank you so much for keeping us updated. You are truly a good women to take in another child and two dogs. You and your family will definitely be in my prayers. The social worker inside of me wants to recommend therapy to little henry as I can imagine he will be a little confused. If you live in the los angeles area I could recommend a few ppl. Best of luck. Try to stay relaxed and enjoy the last month of pregnancy.

If you need any help in your busy household, I have an idea of what to do. Go to a church in your community and ask for help. I would go to an Episcopal Church because I’ve experienced them as being very helpful, and they don’t expect you to do anything in return. It is very likely that some of them will come over and help you. It would be their joy to be of assistance to your family. Or if you go to church, just ask your church for help. A family at my old Episcopal church had quadruplets. A bunch of ladies took turns going to the family’s house every day and helped them and brought food for them. This went on for two or three years because a couple of the quads have major health problems. The parents of the quads looked utterly exhausted at times, and so I think those ladies that helped them are angels.

Oops! I totally misread what you wrote earlier, and thought you’d already adopted [name]Henry[/name]! I apologize for my confusion. :slight_smile:

I think [name]Susan[/name]'s idea about asking your church for help is great, and I also second [name]Meryl[/name]'s therapy suggestion, only if it’s something your open to, of course. And as [name]Rollo[/name] said, we’re here for you!

I wish you all the best! :slight_smile:

[name]Hi[/name]!

I saw your previous about your husband’s cousin and his awful accident. I am so sorry for the dreadful loss. However, little [name]Henry[/name] is so lucky to have a wonderful couple like you and your husband to take care of him and love him so much. I would agree with what everyone else has said about being as open and honest as you can with the children. Fortunately, they are all very young still and so will probably be more likely to adapt more easily. I would also second everything that has been said about accepting any offers of help. One baby can be hard work, especially with a toddler but twins must be exhausting. Try to rest as much as you can now in anticipation of you lovely explanded family! :slight_smile:

Oh, my husband LOVES [name]Harry[/name] [name]Potter[/name] too (and of course, I’ve read the books)!

You have so MANY things to think about - boy! First of all, let me say that sharing room will probably not be a problem at all. When we moved into this house a few years ago, [name]Jane[/name] was three and [name]Henry[/name] not even two, and [name]Jane[/name] slept in her own room for a year. The next [name]Christmas[/name], she moved in with [name]Henry[/name] (he had a daybed/trundle type bed and had always slept on the floor part). So, for approximately two years, they have slept in the same room every night despite having their own rooms. [name]Jane[/name] only just recently moved back into her own room and that’s because we told her she could stay up a little later (she’s six and doesn’t go to sleep quite as fast as [name]HEnry[/name] which usually leads to her keeping him up a while). She also is allowed to read to herself while she stays up late. BUT, there are still nights she wants to sleep in his room. And here’s why it was good for us – when she was four, she was prone to bad dreams, etc., and waking up with [name]HEnry[/name] there calmed her down and she wouldn’t usually wake us at all. Now that [name]Henry[/name] is four and having bad dreams, it helps to have her there to reassure him. When this baby comes, I won’t be surprised if they go back to sharing some, just because it will be easier for my husband to get them down together. But they are by no means too old to share at 4 and 6, and I think they could share a couple more years at least.

About calling you mom/dad or by your names, boy, that is tough! I would probably offer your names at first and let him decide if he wants to call you mom/dad later on. This is sort of confusing to explain, but my dad died when I was 2 1/2, and my mom married his brother, my uncle, the next year. I don’t think it was very long until I asked him if I could call him Daddy, and I have ever since (my older sisters still call him uncle and it confuses everyone!). [name]Henry[/name] is really young, so I think he will want to call you mom/dad pretty soon – you might want to tell him he has the option. (and of course, he will probably need some counseling after losing his parent, so see what the counselor says - this is not my field, by any means)

See a lawyer about the guardian/adoption issues for sure – I am a lawyer myself, but not that type so I can’t offer any guidance here, except that there will be issues to work out, and I would get to that next year after you all get settled. I forget where you are, but was thinking it was NOT U.S.

If your mom’s stagger their visits, maybe that will be less people in your house – if they don’t mind a couch, I bet the extra help will be worth it, or better yet, if they or you could afford a hotel (maybe one of those weekly chains that are more affordable?), they could come over in the daytime to help, especially if [name]Henry[/name] and [name]Dottie[/name] are at home with you and not in any type of pre-k/daycare program. If my kids weren’t in school, I don’t know how I would handle a new baby and the kids! I can’t imagine two babies and two kids!!!

Best wishes for today, a BIG day!!!

I wanted to give you my perspective on integrating [name]Henry[/name] into your family.

My youngest sister is my biological cousin whom my parents adopted when she was 3 (I was 10). At first, we called each other cousin, and she called my parents Aunt T and Uncle E. Over time, though, she began calling my parents Mom and Dad on her own, when she felt that she was truly part of the family. Honestly, because she was so young, the process didn’t take long. It has now been 17 years, and I truly think of her as my sister, and she feels like part of the family.

I really think that if you give [name]Henry[/name] a little space and allow him to set the timetable, he will choose to become part of your family before you know it.