Our oldest hates our baby name

General Name Discussion
1

[name_m]Hi[/name_m], everyone,

We are due later this year with #4 and when we floated our favorite boy name past our oldest, who’s 7, she had a very negative reaction. We’ve mentioned it a few times since and she grimaces.

At the end of the day, it’s our baby and she’ll need to deal with whatever we choose; we told her we still like the name, it’s our choice, and someday she can name her own children whatever she wants.

My question is, have any of you ever run into this issue and how did it play out? Did you use the name anyways and did your other children come around?

Thank you!

2

When I was five I really wanted my new brother to be named [name_m]Alexander[/name_m] instead of [name_u]Nico[/name_u], which didn’t happen.
I got over it quickly, my mom probably just had to distract me with a cookie or something…
Kids are kids, they don’t stay upset that long and adapt fairly easily. Plus my taste in names is so different now than when I was your son’s age! He’ll learn to love his sibling’s name because he’ll associate it with someone he loves.
Good luck naming your child, I’m sure the name you picked is beautiful!

3

Maybe ask her why she doesn’t like the name. She might have a fairly good reason that you and DH haven’t thought about. Also, ask her what names she likes. If she feels that she is being listened to, she may be more okay with your choice.

4

I’ve hated plenty of names,but I find that when I meet someone I find nice who has that name and I get to know them, my attitude towards their name softens. My one brother has a name that I always disliked, but now I don’t even think of it as a name, I just think of it as a person that I love and like very much.

5

Thank you all for your feedback; we sincerely appreciate it!

6

Is the name [name_u]Abbott[/name_u]? Because I can see that not being to a kid’s taste. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t let it deter you.

Somewhat related, I wasn’t a big fan of my parents’ choice in my little sister’s name either. But then my mom let me pick the middle name. You can, and should, do this out of a pool of choices, so long as you think it’d satisfy your eldest. But I really think my mom just let me pick out of nowhere, because it was almost ‘[name_f]Judy[/name_f]’ because I was eight and liked the lady at the post office named [name_f]Judy[/name_f]. I picked [name_f]Jade[/name_f] out of nowhere, which was… somewhat better.

7

It could be that she’s having some feelings around having another sibling and is using the name as a more appropriate outlet to express this. Adding a sibling to a family is a traumatic event for a child already present; the child experiences dramatic and sudden changes in their life, a sense of loss of control, and disruption in their attachments to their caregivers. She’s done this twice already, and at seven, she may (consciously or unconsciously) understand what exactly another baby means–that she will get less attention from her parents, that her home will be more chaotic and noisy, that things will be very different once again–and is experiencing anxiety, grief, or other emotional discomfort around the news. Plus, the idea of new babies is generally presented as a joyous, wonderful thing to existing kids by parents, because that’s how the parents experience it; she could be feeling ashamed, guilty, or just plain bad/wrong that she isn’t experiencing it this way to boot.

By saying that she has to just “deal” with the name, you’re kind of telling her that she has to just “deal” with the baby; she doesn’t get a say in the name, just as she didn’t get a say in having another baby in the family. That could be making her feel pretty powerless, which is a crummy feeling no matter what your age. Give her some agency back! If she’s interested, make her a part of other things related to the baby: colors for the nursery, the outfit the baby comes home in, a say in the middle name, etc.

Finally: she doesn’t have to like the name! It doesn’t feel good to have your favorite anything tactlessly vetoed by someone important to you, even if that person is seven. You’re right: you made the baby, you pick the name. If you like the name, then use it! Her feelings around the name will pass.

I’d suggest sitting down with her and having a chat about how she’s feeling around the name and new baby. Validate her opinions and emotions. Tell her it’s okay that she doesn’t like the name, maybe suggest that she can call the baby a special nickname of her choice if she doesn’t feel like using the name you end up picking. Encourage her to be honest around the idea of the baby, and normalize feelings of weirdness–it’s okay if she’s feeling apprehensive, because change is really hard, and really scary! Be (gently) honest with her about how it makes you feel when she reacts so negatively to the name you love–it hurts your feelings! Ask her what she needs to feel loved and secure in this time of transition.

I work in children’s mental health and am in a grad program for counseling–just my perspective on this situation from the wee bit of information you shared. I apologize if I’m totally off the mark! Best of luck, and congratulations on the new addition!

8

So far, our older three have been fairly accepting of their younger sibs’ names, so I can’t speak to the issue directly. We did kind of lay down [name_m]Zach[/name_m]’s and [name_m]George[/name_m]’s names as a sort of mandate, and for whatever reason, we were met with enthusiasm. (This time, we still haven’t decided and eeee’rybody—each of our kids—seems to have an opinion. Sigh. )
I would say, if your daughter is seven, and she’s not going to be the next-oldest sibling to the new baby, she’ll probably get over it more quickly than you think, and it won’t necessarily do terrible things to their developing sibling bond simply because her brother has a different name than she would have chosen. Letting her have a vote in the middle name is also a good call if possible.

10

I was twelve, so a lot older than your eldest, I completely hated the name my dad and step-mum chose for my sister. I tried to put them off all the time, and even after she was born I hated it. After a while though, I just got used to it, so I’m sure your daughter will get used to it too, even if she never likes it.

11

I’m 15, and I have younger siblings. I don’t like any of my siblings names except for one, which is okay. My parents and I have different tastes lol. Maybe you can ask her what about the name she doesn’t like? Maybe she associates it with something that makes her sad. Or maybe she doesn’t like the sound. I remember when my parents told me what my younger sibling were going to be called, and I hated them. I hated the whole list! [name_m]Just[/name_m] because she doesn’t like the baby’s name doesn’t mean she won’t love the baby. I love all my siblings, and I don’t cringe or anything when I hear their names. I’m used to it now. It’s not my taste, but I have definitely softened up to it now, since I associate the name with my sibling :slight_smile:
Good luck!