Over a year later, my c-section still hurts emotionally...

Parentberries
1

My daughter was born last [name]October[/name] via unexpected c-section because she was found to be breech two days shy of her due date. It was very hard to accept, as I had such a strong desire for a natural, drug-free birth. However, I went through with it because the doctor told me it was too risky to go into labor and try to have her naturally (which I now question if that was even the truth). I felt such an array of emotions. [name]How[/name] does one react to an event that was both the best and worst thing that ever happened to you? Well, of course I felt so grateful that my daughter made it into the world safely, but I also felt sad, angry, disappointed, and guilty. I felt violated and worthless. I felt like I didn’t even give birth to my own daughter because she was ripped out of me before she was even ready to come out. I lost so much self-esteem that day, but after awhile I shoved all these emotions somewhere deep down and immersed myself completely in being a mother to my little girl. It didn’t do any good to talk to anyone anyway because no one really understood. I don’t have anyone close who went through this, so everyone to whom I tried to express these feelings told me that I should just be happy my daughter is healthy and just move on. Believe me, I truly am because I can’t imagine not having her here, but it hasn’t been as simple for me as “just move on”.

On top of the emotional trauma, I had a difficult physical recovery. It took two full weeks before I was even able to do basic things like walk around and shower comfortably on ibuprofen, without the aid of prescription painkillers. Later I found out that someone should have gotten me up and moving within 24 hours, which no one at the hospital bothered to do.

Fast forward to now. I’m pregnant again and all the aforementioned negative feelings have returned in full force. I can’t sleep without having nightmares and waking up several times each night. I have this recurring irrational thought that my scar will rip open and the baby will fall out. I feel like all this on top of the normal 1st trimester woes (nausea, exhaustion) are causing me to not be as good a mother and wife as i want to be. The feelings of total joy and excitement of my first pregnancy have been replaced by feelings of intense anxiety and fear with this pregnancy. We love and want this baby very much, and it’s hard to deal with these terrible feelings at a time that should be filled with such joy.

Is there anyone out there who feels/has felt what I’m going through? If so, I hope you’ll reply, whether in this thread or through pm. I need to know that I’m not crazy or ridiculous for feeling this way, and any coping advice that can be given is greatly appreciated. Please understand that I am in no way judging or putting down anyone else who has had a c-section under any circumstances. It’s just that I’ve silently suffered for too long now, and I need to get these feelings out and find a way to let go.

2

Hello. I would just like you to know that, though I haven’t gone through this, several of my friends recently had to have emergency C-sections when they had planned on natural birth. You’re right, someone at the hospital was suppose to get you out of bed and walk you around, help you shower, etc. The latest friend that had this happen, [name]Mary[/name], was very upset. When I saw her the day after, she was very sad and listless, she didn’t hold her baby very much and generally acted like her will to be a mother was over. It took her about a week to really decided that she was going to do like you did and push those feelings away and be a loving mother to her daughter.

I don’t have any coping techniques for you, but I do know that all this extra stress and anxiety is bad for the pregnancy. The more stressed you make you body, the more chance there is for you to have problems like that. If your daughter is healthy and happy and loved, then the best thing you can do if focus on being strong and calm for this baby so you can have a chance to experience your natural birth. And don’t worry, your scar is not going to rip open. I’ve never heard of that happening.

So, I know I didn’t help much, but there are others who have had to deal with this, so you know you’re not alone in these feelings. Be strong sweetie!

3

You are not crazy at all and definitely are entitled to your feelings which are very normal. Are you trying for a VBAC this time? Mamabirth is a really great blog that talks a lot about these issues. I’m sorry for what you went through and for what you are going through now. Women are strong and so are our bodies. Unfortunately, not all OBs believe that. I know of several women who had previous c sections and then went on to have homebirths with subsequent pregnancies. Good luck!

4

I’ll try to write you a pm later on today, but I wanted to say that having had a long and complicated labor, following by c-section, followed by lots of postpartum issues, I know that these things can be hard, hard, hard, and it’s awful when it seems that others don’t get it. I think that we’re sometimes given the message that we can choose the exact sort of birth/motherhood experience we want–while this is likely meant to be empowering, the message can also foster a sense of unrealistic/idealized expectations and a sense of personal failure and incredible loss when things don’t work out as planned. I think it’s great to do what you can to encourage the sort of birthing experience you want (be that finding the right ob/midwife/doula, reading about VBACs–if this is what you’re going for–etc.), but also to cultivate compassion for yourself and acceptance for what’s out of your hands.

Also, I wanted to respectfully challenge dantea’s statement that your feelings of stress are bad for this pregnancy. For one thing, I remember the line from “Birthing from Within” that “worry is the work of pregnancy.” But more than this, I think that statements like this, though I’m sure they’re not intended to, can leave us feeling yet more guilty and more stressed and more burdened rather than less so. Your feelings are your feelings, and while I hope you have some relief soon, I don’t think you need to fret about the effects of your stress upon this baby on top of everything else. Babies have withstood worse!

Anyway, as I said, I’ll try to pm you later . . .

5

I haven’t gone through this personally, either, but I know a woman who, like you, had an emergency c-section after planning a natural birth. This last time she had a natural birth at home with absolutely no problems. I think that may be what you need to plan for this time. Of course, finding the right midwife is crucial to your success. You need someone who will support you 100% no matter what you decide. Someone who will let you take charge, but also be able to address any circumstances that may be out of the ordinary. Like poptart said, not many OB’s believe that a woman can overcome anything, so I think a midwife is a good solution for you. I also think that if you find a midwife you love and want to work with to achieve your birth, the one you truly want, you might begin to feel a whole lot better about this pregnancy. You can do it, I have no doubt. You just have to keep telling yourself that and find others who will tell you the same :slight_smile: Good luck and keep us updated!

6

I went through almost the exact same thing you describe and I know I am not crazy. I found that these sorts of things happen to many many women but most don’t talk about it and different people will have different reactions of course.

Here is my story: I had a c-section after a post-term induction and failure to progress following about 3 1/2 hours of pushing. I felt like a failure, I felt dazed and out of it. I was absolutely depressed for about 2 weeks. My baby was also in the NICU for 3 days which messed with me big time and interfered with nursing. (Thakfully my little girl is healthy now). I had a very challenging 2 months postpartum and though I talked about it and people listened, I did not have the experience I was craving - which was someone empathicly telling me they know what I was going through and that my reactions were normal. I basically came to that conclusion on my own and thought I had healed over time.

Three years later I was happily pregnant again and sudden fears and nightmares gripped me. I became terrified of a repeat of the same drama over again and I set out to avoid that within the limits of what I could control and started to gather information about the possibilities of what I could not control. This was a journey I took with a supportive husband, the same OB that did my c-section for child #1 and access to medical journals for FACTS about repeat c-sections and VBAC options. I thought about going to a psychologist and that would have been a good idea too. The more information I gathered and the more plans I made with my OB the more relaxed I was. I know that I did not want to have both labor and a c-section - I wanted to increase my odds of having a vaginal birth but decided I would rather go straigth to a c-section that end up with both labor and a c-section If I could help it because I attributed some of my aftermath - and my child’s - with having had both. I decided to try for a VBAC but only if I went into spontaneous labor because I learned that induction is more likely to end in a c-section (and that was my history - again not wanting to repeat for reasons irrational or otherwise).

So my plan supported by my OB was that if I went into labor naturally by week 41 then we would do a trial of labor. if not - we would have a c-section scheduled. I became confortable with this plan because it gave me a sense of predictability and control over the possibilities. I also did lots of talking with husband and close family/friends about what I needed to do for myself and the new baby in the moments, hours and days after birth whether that be vaginally or ceserian. For example, making it known that I wanted my hands untied if I were on an OR table so I could hold my newborn was important to me (something I did not get to do - and did not think to ask to do with my first). I was going to have a schedule for nursing my newborn this time and be proactive about my own physical activity and nutrition. I was going to make efforts to be present with my baby and take less medication if possible. Once this planning was under way and I had had the same discussions over and over again with my husband (a very patient man), I worried less and less and was not fearful in the middle of the night. I started to enjoy the pregnancy more and felt I could live more in the moment knowing I was as prepared for the future as I could be. When the fears started to seep in on me, I reminded myself of the plan and that I could not control everthing but that this time I was prepared for the possibiliites. I also prayed alot… ALOT!

All of this planning was done with the full awareness that I could not control most of the big things but that there was so much I could INFLUENCE, especially my own reactions. I also trusted God, or tried my best to do that anyway. My OB was unbelievably supportive and patient with me up to the very end.

As it turned out, I did not go into spontaneous labor, my OB gave me an extra 3 days and still nothing, so I had a repeat c-section at 41.5 weeks. I was not thrilled about going to the OR instead of a delivery room, but it went according to the plans we had made and I felt satisfied that the decision was right. I was offered an induction but I trusted my former instincts and declined that option. The OB told me during the surgery that my son was way up under my rib cage and probably would have been a tough labor likely resulting in another failure to progress had we enduced labor that day. This was the right choice for me and I did not have any regrets about my choices or the advice I was given because it was all researched in advance and I trusted my OB. My recovery was better physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it was better the second time. I also had so much more confidence with the second child simply because I had experience.

I hope the best for you. [name]Remember[/name] that you have a lot of time and you can take that time to become prepared. [name]Do[/name] not do it alone - I assume you have people who love you and want to help but will not know how unless you tell them what you need. [name]Do[/name] not let them close the conversation with stuff like, “It will be ok - see how the first child turned out…” while this may ultimatelybe true, you have unfinished business and it is yours to work out. Needing to rehash what happened and wanting a different outcome the next time around is NORMAL and does not make you ungrateful or selfish at all. Taking care of yourself in this pregnancy physically and emotionally is part of your job as the mother to both of your children.

Big Cyber hugs to you!!!
Lynae

7

Ladies, thank you all so very much for your kind words and support! It truly means a lot to me! I am definitely planning to go the VBAC route with this baby, and after seeing my OB (different one than with my first), I feel confident that she is on board with that plan 100% and I got a good one this time. She was very supportive and positive, actually took time to listen to my concerns without making me feel rushed. She also recommended a counselor that I’m going to make an appointment with because, as making this post has proven, it helps me so much more to get these feelings out and hear feedback on them than to bottle it all up inside.

@poptart- Thanks for pointing me toward Mamabirth. I have definitely considered having a homebirth after the crappy hospital experience I had last time, but I still feel unsure about being 20 min. from the hospital in case of an emergency. Still plenty of time to research and decide though.

@hilary- Though I feel for you that you had to go through this too, it does help to know I’m not alone. I sincerely hope you’ve been able to make peace with your situation.

@lynae- I’m sorry you had to go through that too, but it is uplifting to see that you were able to find peace, even after having to have two c-sections. I do have a supportive husband (though I know it’s hard for him to know just what to say at times) and I trust that God will lead me down the right path, so I’m trying my best to think positively. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Thanks again to all of you and I wish you all the best!

8

[name]Hi[/name] there, I wrote you a long pm which seems to have disappeared??!! No matter I’ll share what I remember of it here instead! Anyway, I just wanted to first off say CONGRATULATIONS on your second pregnancy. What you feel is what you feel and no-one should make you feel guilty. They just don’t understand. I do hope that you can be happy and enjoy your little ones: they are the silver lining :slight_smile:

Here’s my story if that would help: I had an emergency C section at 32 weeks following complete placental abruption after a car accident. I passed out on the way to the hospital and woke up a day later in ICU. I bled so much during the op that they had to perform a hysterectomy at the same time. I remember the terrified look on my hubs face as he tried to tell me what had happened… My beautiful baby girl spent several weeks in the NICU and it was several days before I could see/hold her: I’ll never forget that first cuddle - she was so tiny and frail.

In some ways my situation was easier than yours: I had no choice and I couldn’t fault the care given to myself, my daughter and (probably most importantly) my husband who was bystander to all this… It sounds like you haven’t fully accepted the decision to have the c section in the first place and I do believe talking to councillor of some description could help you come to terms with it. I see it as yes, you may not have necessarily needed a c section and you could possibly have given birth naturally. Equally your doctor at the time may have had a very good reason for wanting you to have one. I believe the healing comes with acceptance of the fact that it happened: yes it wasn’t ideal but life goes on - accepting this does not mean that you can’t be sad or angry about it. I’d encourage you to find a doctor/midwife etc who will listen to your concerns - It sounds like you have already done this :).

[name]Just[/name] remember that you are not alone, there are lots of us out there and you will get passed it. Best advice I can give you is: don’t hold it in, what you are feeling is not “crazy or ridiculous” in anyway. We are here for you.

Best of luck with your little ones, [name]Caoimhe[/name] x

9

[name]Caoimhe[/name], I did get your pm and I just pm’ed you back not long ago. I will resend now in case you didn’t receive it. Thanks so much for sharing your story and for your support!

10

I wanted to say that you DID give birth and give life to your baby and that even if it didn’t happen the way that you hoped it would you should still be proud of yourself for getting through it! And you should be proud of yourself for talking about it here as well. I hope that you bring up these feeling with your partner and your health care provider too. It makes me so sad to hear women talk about how they feel like failures if they end up having a c-section, having trouble breast-feeding or in any way divert from their birth-plan or their hopes for how things will go once baby is here.

11

Although I haven’t carried or had a child yet I feel the same expectations. I’m glad you shared your story so that if the same occurs to some of us we have a heads up that our feelings are normal and have a bit of advice.

Stay strong :slight_smile: you aren’t any less of a woman or a mom because of what you went through or feel. I hope you feel better soon and have a more positive experience with the second delivery.

12

[name]Hi[/name] I would like to be helpful to you as I had an horrendous birth story but I was fortunate that I was able to let go of the things and just accept it as it was. It took me literally years I mean at least 10 years before I started to improve physically after the trauma to my body. I was not able to hold my baby for 10 days and I had a second horrendous pregnancy (but not quite as bad as the first) nearly 4 years later.

Wishing you all the best and hope that things will feel better for you soon. Lastly, a good friend to talk to is always invaluable.

rollo

13

I want to agree with Taz that it is sad when those of us who do not have things go the way we had hoped feel like failures or feel a loss for something we thought would happen. It is really sad and I hope it can be avoided for other moms by sharing about our experiences. There is so much emphasis placed on the pregnancy and the birth and very little discussion among women and even in child birth classes I attended about the days and weeks after birth. It is no wonder many of us are confused and shocked by our experiences and then guilty when they do not match what we think the expectations should be.

With my first I had expected to instantly fall in love and have all the warm fuzzies flood my experience. When reality hit and the range of emotins were not all warm and fuzzy and my birth experience was not what I had hoped for - I felt guilty because so much did not match the idealized image of new motherhood I had bought into. The second time around I was much more realistic and so much happier - the circumstances were different, but my attitude and expectations werea big part of the outcome.

14

Thanks to all of you for listening, offering up advice or kind words, or sharing your own experiences. I finally realized I was going to have to open up and verbalize everything I was feeling if I was ever going to heal. Nameberry was the first place I got the courage to do that and I’m grateful to all of you for allowing me to do that without judgment. Since then, I’ve been talking to my husband, my mother, and an aunt. I will probably also still talk to a counselor just to get a professional’s input. I can’t express enough how much the simple act of conversation is helping me to deal with what happened. I had no idea that acceptance and healing would begin so soon after I got all those yucky feelings out. There’s still a twinge of sadness at times, but I feel mostly okay with things at this point, at least enough that I’m starting to enjoy this pregnancy. Happiness and excitement are starting to replace the intense feelings of anxiety and fear. I want to encourage all mothers who have felt painful, negative emotions about their childbirth experiences to talk about them with someone, openly and honestly. [name]Don[/name]'t be afraid no one will understand or that you’ll be looked down upon for having those feelings. Get the ball rolling on Nameberry if you have to (because these women are awesome beyond name advice!), just get those feelings out. The sooner you do, the sooner you can begin to accept the facts and leave the hurt behind.

15

You are on your way! I am so happy for you. What a relief it is to open up to the people who love you most and find acceptance and understanding. The more you talk about and except your experience for what it was the less it will define you and invade your thoughts.
[name]Happy[/name] holidays!

16

I’m so glad to see your healing process has started! I also had a terrible birthing experience with my first baby, and I can’t agree more about talking through the problem. My best friend is interested in birth so I had a good ear to bend and it really helped to hash things over with her. With my third baby I had another emergency scenario but I was was much more educated about what I could/couldn’t do, and I was more realistic about the recovery in general, so I had a much better time dealing with it. Plus, by the time I had my third baby I had realized that [name]HOW[/name] the birth happens really is no reflection on my womanhood or my mothering skills.

For this baby I am considering hiring a Doula to help me figure out the best approach to the birth. A Doula is a specially trained birth assistant. Not really a midwife, not really a nurse, but kind of a little of both – someone who specializes in helping moms through the process, giving ideas for getting the baby to change positions, helping talk to the doctors, and that sort of thing. It might be a good option for you to look into this time. You might have to interview a few before you find one that you really “click” with but I’ve heard so many good things about having your own special professional to help you through the birth. Best wishes!