I was reading an article at the New Yorker about how American children are often spoiled and can be non helpful. I feel like Americans often do everything around their children (where they live, car, vacation, plan their day). I also think American kids just have too much stuff! As a teacher, I have also seen the other extreme – parents who simply don’t care. If you are American, I was wondering if you find this is the case in your city/state?
If you are in another country, how do you find the parenting style in your country? Is it relax (supposedly like the French in the new book Bringing Up [name]Bebe[/name]?) or is more success/authoritarian driven(like the Chinese mother in the [name]Tiger[/name] Mother book)?
As a person who works with children in the US, I can confidently say that the biggest problem American children often seem to have is ENTITLEMENT! (Of course, this is true of many adults as well.) Entitlement runs rampant in virtually every socio-economic status and ethnic background I’ve been exposed to, (and I’ve worked with inner-city, suburban, rural, and army base children.) Not only do so many of our children have too much, but they are often not taught how to appreciate any of it.
As with anything, there are always exceptions to the rule and not every child fits into this stereotype. But my experience has led me to believe entitlement is a major concern with American children and families at this time.
^ I completely agree. I also think that children lack manners. Many parents are really busy, so no one teaches kids things that are important when interacting with others like manners, common courtesy and respect. Of course, many kids in [name]America[/name] are spoiled. They get whatever they want, therefor they think that they DESERVE whatever they want. There’s nothing wrong with getting your children things they want, as long as the child is grateful!
Where I am in the US, I find that a lot of parents are actually quite distant, wrapped up in their own social lives and careers (which by all means, they should have, but sometimes the kids seem to come last). Some parents almost seem to substitute extravagant amounts of stuff (toys, clothes, amazing bedrooms and birthday parties) for having a real parent-child relationship. A lot of parents work long hours and commute to the city so kids are either in daycare for long hours, I know one little girl who gets dropped off at daycare at 6 am and picked up around 9 pm on an average day. [name]Even[/name] when one parent is home, many are raised primarily by a nanny or au pair.
I really want to read Bringing up [name]Bebe[/name]. Theres an older book “Perfect Madness” by [name]Judith[/name] [name]Warner[/name] that I loved. The premise is what happens when women who have worked to “get ahead” in their careers become mothers and go into it with the same competitive gusto. (And you get crazed competitions over whose Hello [name]Kitty[/name] birthday party was the best and mothers driving themselves crazy in the pursuit of perfection).
I’m in New Zealand.
I think parents tend to surround themselves with like-minded parents, so what everyone thinks is their local “style” is probably just a sub-section of it.
My parenting style and those of most of the parents I know is not at all like either “Bringing up [name]Bebe[/name]” (self-centered, detached parents) or [name]Tiger[/name] Mom (abusive!). Smacking is illegal here and most parents are proponents of gentle discipline anyway. I practise a mix of attachment parenting and RIE ideas. I believe compassion, empathy and respect are taught by example. If you hit your child and punish them, they will learn to disrespect others. [name]Treat[/name] them kindly and they will treat others the same. Pretty simple really.
What else do I believe in… lots of unstructured play, limited toys and toys made from natural materials, not pushing gender roles on children, babywearing, breastfeeding, letting your kid make their way through life at their own pace.
Working in a UK school it is clear that UK kids are much like your description of American kids nowadays. All the teachers who have been in education for many years have noticed a marked drop in behaviour, attitude and ability.
I agree that American children are spoiled and they grow up to be greedy. I think it’s because parents think buying gifts for their children is a way to “buy love” or to bribe them to do good things.
My mom is Chinese so she wanted us to get good grades of course, if we came home with a C, on a test or homework assignment, we were basically dead. It didn’t matter if our overall grade in the class was a B or A. C=death. So she was a bit of tiger mom in that respect… but she often bribed us for good grades. If we got all A’s she’d give us something we really wanted or money. I don’t agree with doing this because sometimes your child’s best is a B, not an A. You should reward your child for doing their best, not based on some written down score. [name]Even[/name] then I wouldn’t use money or toys. Baking cookies works just fine as a reward.
Another, even worse problem, is grandparents. They spoil kids to death and make it hard for parents. My mom doesn’t have grandchildren yet, but she constantly buys baby stuff for others, so I know I’m screwed when I have a kid because she’ll want to buy him or her tons of stuff. My fiance’ and I agreed we’d take it and then donate it without her knowing. She probably won’t remember what she got the child anyway… it’s kind of mean, but I don’t want my kids to end up spoiled and think money/toys is a way to gain love.
I would agree that in the UK most teachers have seen a drop in motivation and ability in recent years,generally speaking.
I would say though,from many visits to the US,that until around age 6 that UK and US children are on par behaviour wise. But after that I find there to be a marked difference in maturity levels. American children (in the areas I have visited) are quite immature and loud when compared to children of the same age in the UK. It’s like the parents are deliberately keeping them young.
That isn’t to say UK children are perfect,far from it! The French style of parenting it is interesting,if slightly too distant. But that said,European children (on the continent) seem to be significantly more pleasant on the whole that British and American children.
I have a theory this is down to how family friendly the continent is. Whereas the UK and USA are controlled by highly capitalist governments who,generally speaking,only care about money. This leads to a very different atmosphere regarding children.
I don’t believe you can spoil a kid with too much love and attention, they get spoiled when their needs [as in emotional, physical, etc] aren’t met and they are plied with material items as a substitute for genuine human interaction. And yes, that is far too prevalent in American society these days.
I can’t really speak to the parenting style of the state I currently live in [Michigan], I only recently moved here and don’t really know very many other parents. Where I lived in GA most of the folks I knew/met were into Attachment Parenting.
Working as a pre-school/daycare teacher in the U.S., most of these kids are here 40+ hours a week. The only time they see parents are dinner, bed, the next morning and weekends. I have 3 year olds who have ipad’s and ds’s. They don’t know what patience is or what earning rewards are. I emphasize all these things and manners in my class. So yes, spoiled and not disciplined and wayyy to much stuff
I think a lot of American kids are spoiled & have major entitlement issues, but I’ve seen the same in Eastern Europe so I think it’s worldwide.
I am in [name]Brooklyn[/name] and I think parents here tend to try attachment parenting, often work from home and have nannies for their kids or send them to fancy Montessori type pre schools. I often find myself thinking that the women at mom groups really seem to have it all and probably put a lot of pressure on themselves. I also feel a weird competitive tension in the air…like over which kid gets a certain swing or whatever. Which kid is reaching which milestone.
[name]One[/name] lament I hear a lot is that they feel their nannies really get the best moments with their kids. Like playing in the park while they take care of necessities at home…I really have to bite my tongue! I mean first off it’s work to them and secondly hire an assistant or cleaning person instead of a nanny! Problem solved right? I guess money doesn’t come with brains!
What I find interesting is the mothers who don’t work and still have nannies. In Norway it’s normal to send your child to nursery/kindergarden or some kind of daycare from the child is one, as almost all women go back to work around that time. Hardly anyone has nannies. In [name]England[/name] it’s normal to have nannies even though mum stays at home, and the kids go to nursery/school. So all mummy has to do is kiss goodbye before school, and kiss goodnight before bedtime. And the money people spend on nurseries is insane!
I find it weird that people let their children rule their lives, that everything revolves around them. everything is ready made for them, the kids never need to think and figure things out themselves. That’s very much the style as far as I can see in [name]London[/name] anyway, and that creates spoiled little children. In continental Europe and Scandinavia it’s much less fuss around the kids, the children eat at the table with their parents, they do what the parents want to do (go to museums for example, or go shopping with the parents, etc), they’re allowed to be bored, and thus get creative.
I grew up in the “Deep South” (east coast US) and I now live in the [name]Pacific[/name] Northwest (opposite coast US). The difference between the kids I knew growing up and the kids I know now is fairly astonishing. Oregon is much more of a farming state, and my in-laws run a farm, as do most of the people in their rural community. The skill set and work ethic of the kids is lightyears ahead of the kids I grew up with, who all had huge allowances and over-the-top birthday parties, all the junk food they could eat, and toys and unappreciated technology coming out their ears. My family wasn’t like that because we weren’t in the same place financially, and there were always subtle competitions and superiority/inferiority complexes going on between us and the entitled kids, especially at school.
Kids here are expected to work with their parents on the farm, pull their weight, earn the things they want in life, give everything they do 110%, demonstrate genuine respect for people (especially elders and authority), be independent and self-sufficient, and create their own fun and toys. Most of the moms work from home or forgo career positions altogether to stay at home, work the farm, and homeschool the kids. The emphasis is on values and family and honest hard work. Sometimes I think it goes too far, to the point that my husband actually doesn’t get as much respect as his farmer and policeman cousins because he’s a web developer, and doesn’t have a hard labor job. But at the same time, I hope to be able impart that maturity and work ethic to my kids, and avoid the materialistic narcissism that the kids I grew up with displayed.
I can’t say much about parenting in my area now, since I’m pregnant with my first and my friends mostly just have infants and/or are likely to think similarly to me if we’re friends in the first place. I can comment on parenting styles from when I was a child. I grew up and still live in the Southern U.S. ([name]North[/name] [name]Carolina[/name]). In high school sociology, the teacher asked who was spanked growing up and my friend and I were the only two out of the 30 or so person class that weren’t regularly spanked. I grew up afraid of disappointing my mom, not because I’d get switched but because it felt good when I knew she was proud of me. I don’t think I was spoiled, in fact, my mom was very frugal, teaching me to bargain-shop and putting limits on how much she’d spend on [name]Christmas[/name]/birthdays, and that rubbed off on me. I honestly have no idea what a 6-year-old needs an ipad for.
Oh, and someone said something about people surrounding themselves with like-minded parents. I wanted to add that in some areas, there could be pockets of different styles. Like in NC, I think the bigger cities, like the Triangle area, would probably be very different from the country areas. Chapel [name]Hill[/name] is known for having kind of a crunchy vibe, while other parts of the state, not even that far away, are more redneck-y. It wouldn’t surprise me if people who lived all the rest of their lives differently parented differently as well.