So, I’m writing a novel and I’d like some feedback on the plot. Please, please, please be as honest as you can.
Genre: Middle grade dystopian and science fiction
The story takes place in 2221 and basically, the world is in a huge crisis. The whole world is governed by this powerful group of people called the United Principia. There are no prime ministers, presidents, or any kind of monarchy. There’s this virus kinda thing that the whole world has been suffering from for about a century that occurred as a result of an app released by the government in the 2010s. The virus essentially turns people into violent, cannibalistic zombie-like creatures. On top of that, there’s this rebellion group that’s trying to overturn the government by kidnapping all people associated with it. A lot of people are dead.
The story follows this thirteen year old girl named Rose, whose mother is the president of the United Principia. Her father was killed by the rebellion group. She’s helpless about the situation that the world is suffering from until one day she discovers a necklace in her drawers. Once she wears the necklace, she is immediately transported into the 2010s. After much confusion, she realizes that she has traveled back in time, and she gathers the help of these groups of kids in order to prevent the current government from releasing the app.
This sounds like a really interesting idea! While reading it, some questions came to mind:
In 2221, is there a colony of people on [name_u]Mars[/name_u]? Are they also controlled by the United Principia?
First it says ‘the story takes place in 2221’ and later ‘for about a century… in the 2010s’. So in that case, doesn’t the story takes place in 2121?
Since when is the world ruled by the United Principia? How did they get in power?
Are there also citizens who support the United Principia? [name_f]Do[/name_f] they fight against the rebellion group?
How can an app release an virus? [name_u]Or[/name_u] is that just an fantasy element?
[name_m]Can[/name_m] zombies infect other people? [name_u]Or[/name_u] can you only be infected by the app?
What happens to the infected people: are they killed, quarantined? Also, do they still somehow remember who they once where? [name_m]Can[/name_m] they still recognise loved ones?
How can you become the president (or another important person) of the United Principia?
Isn’t [name_f]Rose[/name_f] somehow indoctrinated my her mother that the the United Principia is amazing and that world is just doing fine?
How are you going to deal with time travel paradoxes?
Are there other people that can time travel as well?
What is the current government? Is the 2010s world like the real world back then? Is it the government of the United States?
Why does the government want to release that app? And why would people want to download that app?
[name_f]Do[/name_f] the other kids know that [name_f]Rose[/name_f] is a time traveller? If so, did they immediately believe her?
As I understand it her problem is less about the fact that there’s a world government and more about the cannibalistic zombies
@sincerelysenara Your plot sounds fine! Or, your plot hook sounds fine, I assume most of the story would take place after Rose travels to the 2010s so we don’t know most of the plot yet.
I agree with pp that you need to look out for logical inconsistencies in both your plot and worldbuilding. The fact that a virus was caused by an app made me pretty sure at first you were talking about a computer virus. It’s going to take some explaining how these two things go together.
You’ll also have to think about the implications of time-travel, but there are two or three ways in which this is usually done, you just need to stick with the one you picked.
Are you going to explain where the necklace came from? You don’t have to explain how it works, but the question if somebody planned for her to go back in time should at least come up.
@Johannaa Thank you so much for your incredibly helpful reply!
I didn’t really think about that actually!
That’s an error on my part. I’m horrible at math.
The United Principia took over in the 2050s - ish. They basically killed all the world leaders.
Yes, a lot of the citizens do support it, however, they don’t show it for fear of the rebellion.
Yeah about that. Now that I am thinking about it, it seems kind of illogical. [name_m]Can[/name_m] you maybe give some ideas on how a virus can be released by a government seemingly unintentionally?
Yes, if they touch you, you are 99% certainly infected.
They turn into the cannibalistic zombies who are hunted down by the United Principia. They can’t remember anything. Their brain just stops working.
Rose’s whole family has been in charge of the United Principia so its somewhat like a monarchy. Her great, great, great, x a huge of times grandmother was the founder of it. The important people are selected by the leader of the United Principia.
What @Wandarine said about this.
That’s something I need to think about. I think that what I’m trying to do here when it comes to time travel is something similar to the ending of PoA.
Yes, certain members of the rebellion group.
I think I want it to be set in modern-day [name_u]Britain[/name_u]. Not 100% sure yet and it is like the real world but the government is (obviously different).
The United Principia (which existed in the 2010s in a much, much less grandiose form) wanted to take over the world. So they brainwashed the government to release the virus so that people would rebel against it, allowing the United Principia to rise. Their plan kind of backfired which is why they had to eventually kill the world leaders.
Yes they do, and no they don’t. [name_f]Rose[/name_f] has to take them into the future and show them around for a bit until they finally believe her.
@Wanderine Thank you so much for replying.
About where the necklace came from. The rebellion group gave it to her so that she could go back in time, get rid of the United Principia which would hence cost her life - because she wouldn’t be born in the first place would it not be for the United Principia. The rebels want to make things right - just in the wrong way.
Basically, the United Principia and the rebellion are both the villains in the story.
Another question, do you think that this is too dark for middle grade readers?
It’s really cool to read more about your ideas. Thank you for explaining!
Maybe the virus could be spread through vaccinations?
For example, the MenB vaccine. That one is given to babies. If they get the zombie virus they can infect their parents, siblings, caretakers, etc and from them the virus can spread further.
[name_u]Or[/name_u] for example the flu vaccince, which is mainly given to eldery people, I believe.
[name_u]Or[/name_u] if you move your timeline a few years you could use the covid vaccination (however, in that case the lockdowns and everything will also impact your story).
It’s also possible to make up your own reason for people to get vaccinated.
I think it might help if it takes some time before someone turns into a zombie after the vaccination, like a few days or weeks. In that case the link between the virus and the vaccination isn’t immediately clear, and more people will get vaccinated.
To me, the story seems more suitable for a 12-15 age range. But it could also work for middle grade readers, I guess, eventhough it’s quite dark. I think it depends on the way you’re going to describe things: is there much detail about the zombies or are they more cassually mentioned? It seems like the story is mainly set in the 2010s, before the virus, so that helps.
The vaccination idea is brilliant! Thank you so much for suggesting it! I guess it is quite dark, but since I’m not a very gory person myself I think I’ll not be describing the zombies very much. Thank you so much for replying!
I don’t think making a vaccine the culprit is a particularly good idea given the current state of the world, especially if it changes people so they turn into monsters. Not saying you’re not allowed to, just something to keep in mind.
I agree it works better if it takes some time for the people to turn into zombies, maybe not just weeks but a year or so. That way it would take a long time to figure out what caused it. You could even make it so that the people themselves are fine, but if they have children afterwards they turn into zombies when growing up. That would bridge those extra years between the point Rose travels back to and the 2050s.
Brainwashing is a buzzword. What did they do ? Bribe them, lie to them, used an actual mind-controlling machine? Why were they not charged for murdering so many people? You don’t become president by killing the president, they’d be at war with every country in the world at once after trying that. Maybe look up some historical coups online to get ideas how this could be achieved realistically? I’m thinking maybe the United Principia could convince the governments to “temporarily” give their power to them so they can fight the zombies more effectively, but the zombies never stopped so they never gave it back.
My 1x great grandmother was roughly 100 years older than me. Unless the United Principia was around since the middle ages and only now rose to power, it’s not going to be that many greats. But that’s just a side note, you can toy around with the numbers a little and always change it later.
I’m not sure what’s usually considered middle grade fiction but I think if you don’t focus on the zombies too much, the “go back in time to prevent the government from getting bad” story is suitable for someone old enough to read a chapter book.
Yeah, I guess I’ll have to think about that.
Yes, they did literally make a mind-controlling machine.
So helpful! Thank you.
Another math problem…oops. Thank you so much for replying!