Please help me learn to love the name I have already given my daughter......vent

Girl Names
1

Please help me find the love for my daughter’s name.
Some of it may be postpartum hormone stuff, but I am struggling to love and connect with her name. I really need to find peace with it…she is now almost five months old.
I am sorry this got so long!

Background:
This is our third daughter, and we had a tough time naming her. The one name that consistently stayed at the top of our list during my pregnancy was [name]Marta[/name], second choice [name]Martha[/name]. But near the end, we had some doubts, so we made a short list and waited until she was born in hopes her name would become clear to us.

She was born (great labor/delivery); I held her and looked at her and just knew her name should be [name]Marta[/name] – it felt right, and I felt warm and fuzzy relief that the decision was so easy. Unfortunately my husband felt the complete opposite about her being [name]Marta[/name]…he suddenly STRONGLY disliked the name. Over the next week couldn’t agree on anything; at one point he was so exhausted talking about it that he pretty much told me to name her whatever I wanted, as long as he didn’t hate it and could try it out a few days before announcing it. So for almost two glorious days, my baby was called [name]Louisa[/name] – I was happier about this than anything, because it has been a long time favorite of mine but he has shot it down during each pregnancy. It suited her well, and it felt awesome that I was actually able to use it on my last child, having no regrets…kind of like my naming finale, haha.

But the morning before we were supposed to call the records department at the hospital (they were stalking us), he got cold feet and told me he couldn’t do [name]Louisa[/name] after all. I was so sad, frustrated, and wanted this roller coaster to be over. Part of me wanted to fight for her name and just call her [name]Louisa[/name] (or even [name]Marta[/name]) and tell him to deal with it! Names mean [name]WAY[/name] more to me than they do to him, so I kind of felt like my opinion should matter more, which I know is selfish and unfair. So instead, I started suggesting more names (he has never had a single suggestion, he just vetoes my suggestions, but that is another post LOL). Anyway, one of the names I suggested was [name]Maren[/name], because it reminded me of [name]Marta[/name] (we pronounce [name]Maren[/name] like [name]MAR[/name]-en, the same beginning sound as [name]Marta[/name] and [name]Margaret[/name]), and also had some of the things we were looking for – a relatively uncommon, somewhat strong, timeless name that also gives a nod to our Scandinavian heritage. We had our concerns about it (pronunciation issues), but it felt like the only name that we both liked, even though neither of us loved it. Our families gave us huge thumbs up and pushed us forward. At this point, I think they would have raved about any name, because she needed a name and we were totally stuck! :wink:

At that point I was so stressed about having a nameless baby, and so frustrated by the process (9 months of debate, really), that I was relieved to find something suitable we both liked. So it felt great at the time to name her [name]Maren[/name]…we committed to it and announced her name when she was almost a week old. We decided her middle name should be my long-time love [name]Louisa[/name], and I was thankful to use it in some way. So [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name] she is.

But here is the problem – I was hoping I would grow to love it, but I still don’t. Part of me is simply depressed about it, because she is our last child, my last child to name, and I feel like I didn’t really get to name her. Well, I did name her in that I suggested [name]Maren[/name], but at the same time it lacked the excitement, the strong gut feeling, and warm fuzziness I feel over my favorite names. Which is hard to describe, but I hope you fellow name lovers can relate! Some names you like/love on paper and they are perfectly suitable, and some names you just [name]FEEL[/name] in your gut, you know?

I do love her name on paper and in theory, but I was just hoping to feel more love for it in practice. It doesn’t help that it constantly gets mispronounced and/or misunderstood, which I expected, but I didn’t expect it to this extent, or to bother me so much. I feel bad that she is going to have to deal with that all the time. I am also annoyed by how many people think it is some trendy made up name. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does (again, I hope fellow name enthusiasts will understand!) My first two daughters have names that I have always felt strongly about, and I still fiercely love their names. I just don’t feel that way with [name]Maren[/name], and I fear that I never will…which makes me feel so sad and ashamed :frowning:

So how do you get past it? Giving your child a name that has never been a favorite? Giving them a name that you like on paper but don’t love in your gut? [name]Do[/name] you grow to love it in time? Part of me questions what is more to blame…is it my lack of love for the name [name]Maren[/name], or am I just feeling bitter about the whole process (more stress than I ever imagined) and sad that I didn’t get to use a favorite for my last child? If that is the case, I am optimistic I could grow to love [name]Maren[/name] as soon as my grieving process is over (grieving for the names I left behind), and accepting that I did not have the pleasant and enjoyable naming experience that I wanted.

Sorry to think out loud over here, I just don’t know where else to vent! Any suggestions how I can connect with her name? [name]Do[/name] I call her by a nickname instead?
I have no interest in completely changing her name – that is not an option. It’s not as if I dislike or cringe at her name, I just need to find the love for it.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. But please don’t quote me because I will likely come back and delete this later on.

Thanks if you made it this far :slight_smile:

2

I don’t have children (in grad school still) so I can’t say that I completely understand what you’re going through - but I think [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name] is a BEAUTIFUL name. Its dignified, unique, serene and glamorous.
It seems to me that right now, you wouldn’t love any name - just because the process has been so frustrating and lengthy for you.

3

I haven’t been in this situation before, so you might not want my advice…

But I would probably give it some more time. Maybe another week. Maybe the more you say it out loud, it will suddenly feel right. If time goes back and still doesn’t feel right…don’t be afraid to find another name. Sure, you might have to fill out some paperwork to legally change it…but you shouldn’t have to settle for a name that you “sort of” like.

Now that you have your little girl though, you could choose a name that really fits her personality/looks. For example if she’s a little feisty girl…maybe something like [name]Scarlett[/name]. Since [name]Scarlett[/name] O’[name]Hara[/name] was such a feisty fireball of a woman. Or maybe if she has dark features (like really dark hair or dark eyes) you could go with [name]Keira[/name] which means dark. Best of luck.

4

Thank you for your reply, and I think there is a lot of truth to this!
It is difficult to sort out why I am feeling this way, but I think you are right…I likely wouldn’t be completely at peace with any name right now. The whole process felt pressured and impulsive, so I have felt uneasy ever since.

5

I personally like the name [name]Maren[/name], but I would definitely give it a nickname so you feel more comfortable with the name. Maybe [name]Mimi[/name]? [name]Mila[/name]? (A combination of [name]Maren[/name] and [name]Louisa[/name]…)

Give the name some time, and if you still hate it in another month have a discussion with your husband about how you truly feel and go through the name change process. You do not want to regret give your child the wrong name for the rest of your life, but at the same time it is a beautiful name. Make sure you make the choice that is right for you and your family. There is no shame in changing your mind about a name. I think this happens much more often than people want to admit… GL!

6

Can you just call her [name]Marta[/name]? It’s perhaps not fundamentally intuitive, but it’s a plausible enough nn for [name]Maren[/name]. Certainly mom-given nicknames have been a further stretch than that. I agree I think [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name] is a great name and if you miss [name]Marta[/name], make it a nickname. There’s no reason you can’t. Or call her [name]Louisa[/name] if you prefer of the two names you did give her.

7

Oh, another suggestion that I forgot! MANY people go by their middle name for various reasons so if you truly love [name]Louisa[/name] I would consider calling her by that name :slight_smile: I know about three people personally that all go by their middle name instead of their first.

8

I think [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name] is a beautiful name that is unique but classic. If you don’t like [name]Maren[/name], [name]May[/name], [name]Ren[/name], and [name]Mary[/name]/[name]Mari[/name] are all possible nicknames. You can even do [name]Malu[/name] or [name]Mali[/name], with the middle.

9

Perhaps you could call her [name]Louisa[/name], it is part of her name after all, since you love it so much. Sort of your special name for her and everyone else can still call her [name]Maren[/name]. [name]Maren[/name] is a fine name but if you can’t embrace it & [name]Louisa[/name] is truly where your heart lies it could act as bond between the two of you.
If that doesn’t work maybe as time goes on a certain nickname may present itself that suits her and which you may find more appealing.

10

I agree with everyone that says you can call her [name]Louisa[/name] - I know someone who exclusively goes by their middle name and no one finds it odd. Also, about 50% of the time, everyone in my family calls me [name]Rose[/name] which is my middle name. It’s not confusing to me at all to go by two different names.

On another note, I have a five month old daughter who I had major naming problems with. I think I cried for about a month straight over her name. I actually legally gave her one name in the hospital, and then about 3 weeks later announced a different name for her. Honestly, I occasionally feel sad about her name now just like I did with her first name. For me, the best advice I got was “You just have to pick something, go with it, and don’t let yourself think about the what if’s anymore” Whenever I start to think, “but what if I had named her this or that” I just think about that advice.
Also, one thing that has helped me was to find a cute nickname that I liked. For you - [name]Marta[/name] or [name]Louisa[/name] could be your special nickname for her. I’m sure she will love having that special bond with you as she grows up.

11

Thank you everyone! I am already feeling better just getting everything off my chest :slight_smile:

I love all of your suggestions…there are things that I haven’t even considered. I admit I have fantasized about calling her by her middle name, but it is such a change from Maren that I don’t want to confuse her or everyone else. I guess I just don’t know anyone who goes by their middle name, so I don’t understand how it would work.
ETA: I just read your post, emma9216, we were writing at the same time. Everything you said is very helpful! I think it will help me to have my own special name for her, even if it ends up being something only I use. And I absolutely will be open minded to the option of calling her by her middle name! That is an exciting prospect for me, I just don’t know how my husband would feel about it.

As for nicknames, I figured I had thought of all the options, but you have managed to come up with some cute options!

Initially we thought we could call her Mari (mah-ree), but it has never stuck despite all our efforts (admittedly, it doesn’t seem to fit her well at all). I wish you could all spend some time with her and then give me some suggestions, haha! We do call her Mari Lou at times, but that isn’t a great fit, either.

We mainly call her Lou, little Lou, or Lilou. They originated when she was called Louisa for those few days back when we were trying names out, and they have kind of stuck…her sisters (and me!) use them a lot at home – even my husband has come around to loving Lou (which makes me a bit sad, because I have a feeling he would have come around to loving Louisa had we went with it).
But I haven’t really used it in front of anyone else. I guess it feels like we should give a nickname that is more intuitive, or something she could go by all the time (for example, her teachers could call her by her nickname, too – so nothing too cutesy). I had not considered calling her Marta; it is definitely appealing, but still feels like too much of a stretch…more like a name change rather than a nickname.

Her sisters also call her Marnie (which I initially thought was cute, but it lost its appeal after I heard a celeb baby was recently given this name), Mara Lou, and my husband calls her Mara.

I love Ren/Wren, but I don’t know if it is the best fit, either. Her sisters’ names are Greta and Elsa Jane, and Ren/Wren gives off a different vibe/style to me. I know sibset harmony isn’t the most important thing, but my first impression is that they don’t make sense together. Maybe I am overthinking everything, though.

12

I disagree with those who say to call her [name]Louisa[/name]. I think you should call her [name]Maren[/name]! I do believe the hormones are getting the best of you. I always had issues calling my babies their names after they are born - no matter what the name. I think they have to grow into their name. Pick a cute nn like [name]Mara[/name], [name]Mimi[/name] or even [name]Lulu[/name] if that helps you transition into [name]Maren[/name]. I think you should just give this some time. Her name is absolutely perfect. My daughter’s best friend is named [name]Maren[/name] (she pronounces it [name]Mare[/name]-in) and I think it is a perfect name for a little girl!

13

Is her name [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name]? If so then you have built in options. For example your love for [name]Marta[/name] could come out if you give her this nickname. If your heart is saying [name]Louisa[/name] and I love the name and the nickname of [name]Lulu[/name] that would be so cute as would the nickname of [name]Maren[/name] [name]Lulu[/name].

My cousin was named [name]Andrew[/name] [name]Miles[/name] and was always called [name]Miles[/name]. Mum known as [name]Margot[/name], baptised [name]Margaret[/name] and nn’d by her Dad as [name]Jane[/name] answered to lots of names especially Dad’s nn for her [name]Jodie[/name] Darling and that came about because he was [name]Joe[/name]. So never in her life did she go by [name]Margaret[/name], not once.

You need to listen to your inner self and take away any thoughts of “I must have it sorted by 5pm tonight”. Let it dwell quietly within yourself until you get the right feeling for yourself.

If she is to be [name]Maren[/name] that is a lovely name, one she would probably love but at the moment find the name that fills your heart and run with that. I have used my middle name since I was 18.

rollo

14

Is her name [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name]? If so then you have built in options. For example your love for [name]Marta[/name] could come out if you give her this nickname. If your heart is saying [name]Louisa[/name] and I love the name and the nickname of [name]Lulu[/name] that would be so cute as would the nickname of [name]Maren[/name] [name]Lulu[/name].

My cousin was named [name]Andrew[/name] [name]Miles[/name] and was always called [name]Miles[/name]. Mum known as [name]Margot[/name], baptised [name]Margaret[/name] and nn’d by her Dad as [name]Jane[/name] answered to lots of names especially Dad’s nn for her [name]Jodie[/name] Darling and that came about because he was [name]Joe[/name]. So never in her life did she go by [name]Margaret[/name], not once.

You need to listen to your inner self and take away any thoughts of “I must have it sorted by 5pm tonight”. Let it dwell quietly within yourself until you get the right feeling for yourself.

If she is to be [name]Maren[/name] that is a lovely name, one she would probably love but at the moment find the name that fills your heart and run with that. I have used my middle name since I was 18.

rollo

15

I think [name]Malou[/name] is a cute nickname!

[name]Maren[/name] is lovely. I’m half Norwegian and my mum gave me this book called Marens Lille Ugle ([name]Maren[/name]'s [name]Little[/name] Owl) by [name]Finn[/name] Havrevold. It’s about a little girl called [name]Maren[/name] and her rag owl. There’s a lot of mystery and treasure hunting in the story, it’s really cute. Anyway, since I read that book, [name]Maren[/name] has been one of my favourite Norwegian names.

16

I love [name]Maren[/name]/Maryn “mair-in” but not “mar-in”. Since it is basically [name]Karen[/name] with an M then her name will be mispronounced. Berries like to say “oh, just correct them once and they’ll get it”. Not my experience. People pronounce my name the way they choose, which is usually wrong. [name]Even[/name] my own relatives slip up sometimes and pronounce it wrong. If was very annoying as a kid and it’s still a bit annoying now.

Why is hubby so against [name]Marta[/name] but OK with [name]Maren[/name] and [name]Mara[/name]? They really aren’t that different. At least [name]Marta[/name] won’t be misspelled and mispronounced.

If [name]Maren[/name] is set, I’d probably call her [name]Louisa[/name].

17

I agree with what most everyone has said. After reading your post about you and your husband calling her [name]Lou[/name] (and him loving [name]Lou[/name]), it doesn’t seem like a big deal at all to switch the first and middle names around if it was something you and your husband both wanted to do. [name]Louisa[/name] [name]Maren[/name] is really beautiful too!

But as everyone said giving yourself some time might be the best idea. If you opened yourself up to the possibility of changing her name and had the discussion with your husband, you might end up deciding that [name]Maren[/name] [name]Louisa[/name] is the right name for her after all and you might have more peace about it. Sometimes I have moments of “did I give my kid the right name?” and then when I allow myself to think about what I would have named them, I realize that I wouldn’t change it after all.

18

[name]Lou[/name] is such a sweet, intimate nickname - I think its great. FWIW I love [name]Maren[/name], it’s so spunky and pretty, and strong at the same time. It has a lot going for it.

[name]Birdie[/name] could also be a potential nn, with (w)ren being in [name]Maren[/name].

19

I have name regret with my son and it really bothered me for a good couple years, but he’s 4 now, I still don’t love it, but it’s him and it doesn’t take up my emotions or thoughts on a daily basis. If you feel more comfortable calling her by her middle, then do it! My SO went exclusively by his middle until he was around 16, it’s quite common.

20

I feel for you. Not sure if this helps, but I [name]LOVE[/name] the name [name]Maren[/name]. I think it’s classy and unique and strong and cute all at the same time. I wish I could get my husband on board.