Pre-TTC Blues

Parentberries
1

Hey there my lovelies,

So part of me is wanting answers, and part of me is just wanting to vent…

But my question is really - how did you all deal with the ups and downs of wanting babies, but knowing it wasn’t a good idea “now”??

My fiance and I are both set on having children (and many), and we’ve talked about it all. I have made a “at least one year” rule - that being that we won’t ttc for at least a year after we get married - I think it is right for us, healthy for our relationship, etc. But despite all the rational thought and logic in the world, I still swing between “this is perfect, we are fee to do what we want” and “omg I just want a baby”.

When those lows hit… wanting children, not having them now, etc… how did you cope??

I try to distract myself with other positives, but my maternal dive is massive and I love children, so it’s really hard. I’m also a children’s photographer at the moment, which means I get to see and cuddle so many cutiepies all day… and then come home to none of my own… it makes me sad some days. Like today. It’s almost impossible to get babies off my brain.

I know this is a bit of a emotional ramble… but I’d love to hear how anyone else got through this kind of thing…

xoxo

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I just don’t really understand. If you want children so bad, and you feel ready, and your fiancé is on board… Why wait a whole year? Why not just go for it if it is what you guys want?

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[name_u]Baby[/name_u] fever, its a horrible thing when its not “the right time”. I can’t really give much advice, but I can say I relate.

I don’t really cope with it well. I started making things for our nursery (like a laundry basket and a crochet blanket) and planing it out. drawing up blue prints/layouts and picking out paint colors… It made me feel like I was doing something towards “the goal” without actually doing much. (also looking up a ton of baby things, like kids room ideas, baby life hacks, and cool projects for kids.)

4

This is totally how I’ve been feeling for months XD
My boyfriend and I are nowhere near ready for kids, but try telling my hormones that. I’m only a few steps away from asking to hold strangers’ babies at work.
This site is actually my coping mechanism. I kind of made a game out of picking out names. It started out trying to find compromises between my eclectic tastes and my boyfriend’s family’s traditional southern sensibilities. But the list kind of got out of control and is now like over a hundred names long >< I have a problem XD

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I totally empathize. This is my first month TTC after 9 months of marriage so far, and 3 years of legitimate planning to start TTC 2017.

Names are also a coping mechanism for me. [name_m]Reading[/name_m] pareting books that I check out from the library has helped me feel more prepared for the myriad situations parenting throws also you. That has always made me feel like I was really working toward the goal of parenthood. It has honestly made me feel like, “we’ll if I were pregnant right now or had a baby, I wouldn’t have this same attention to devote to gathering all this information to the same degree of depth, so doing this now is actually making my life simpler in the long run and this is a responsible way to productivery and proactively work toward the day when it’s right to start.” Thankfully for us, that came now, and we’re finally starting. But I totally get it.

The other thing I did was take preconception health really seriously. DH and I each lost a few pounds. We starting taking supplements and cut out basically all junk… like for many many months before TTC, even before marriage. I started tracking my cycles (BBT and cervical fluid) 2.5 years ago. We overhauled our toiletries. We have been better about consistently exercising this year than any before. [name_m]Just[/name_m] put the goal of a healthy pregnancy ahead of you and dangle it like and carrot to propel you and motivate you to do the productive stuff that will hopefully make your life easier and your pregnancy and parenting healthy and fulfilling when you get there.

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It’s so nice to know that I am not the only one that feels like this!

@kylae87 Because we are not yet married yet, and post wedding we will need time to re-balance finances, and settle into a life together. We will be adjusting to living together and all things “newlywed”. I don’t think it is wise to try for babies straight away.

@oneofthetrio Yeah, I totally get that. I just don’t know where the line is between “working towards” and “obsessing over”. When my hormones are in full swing, it is defs more along the lines of obsessing over.

@emery Names are my coping mechanism too, to a degree. I find myself bringing them up with my partner when I just can’t get babies off my mind.

@medfordkung That is a really good point. I find research and study on parenting methods and child health, etc, are a good way to distract myself in a helpful and constructive way. I tend to do that when I can’t get away from the “baby fever”. At least it is being channeled into a positive place.
Pre-ttc health will definitely be on my radar in the new year, and sorting out those kind of things. I think for my partner especially, who is wanting to loose weight - our fitness goals will be a good distraction. (maybe we could tie our ttc date to a weight goal… use it as motivation?? haha)

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oh, I have no idea where the line is either. I completely obsess over it until it cools down, which is why I do things that don’t really affect our house or bank account. Hubby and bestie get a bit annoyed, but over all not too bad.

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I can’t relate exactly, but I think I get it at least a little. My husband and I have been actively ttc for almost two years and are just starting IVF. We’ve had that desperate want for a long time, but it just isn’t working so we have to have patience.

I don’t see children day to day like you, but I always have some appointment to go to, drug to take, or side effect to deal with for or fertility treatment daily- so I can’t keep it off the brain either.

Names are a light hearted way to focus that energy. I love looking and analyzing the trends to. Maybe this is because of my own experience, but I advise against setting up a nursery or getting really specific to what you will do while pregnant with a specific child you envision. I think that can make it worse and harder to wait. Keep it more general imo.

It is also good to really spend some time nurturing yourself and your own hobbies. Have something you can throw yourself into and practice really trying to live fully in the moment while you do it. It helps.

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@revlon - I am sorry that your motherhood journey has been so hard. I hope this new year brings you good news and many blessings!

You do have a good point - the time waiting for children is a good time to focus on loving yourself and your partner. I am currently neck deep in wedding prep, so that is keeping me sane. Also a bit stressed, which is good because it makes me think “no babies now! too much to handle!” However I do wonder if I’ll slip back into a bit of a sad space when we get back from our honeymoon and into real life.

I am hoping to find full-time work and some new hobbies once we get back and settle in to our life together. Hopefully that helps my focus.

My sister-in-law was really helpful the other day in pointing out that she is thankful for all that she has been able to achieve in the 5 years she has been married, and now she feels that is is contented and ready for children. I think that is a good perspective to keep one positive.

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I can completely sympathise - I have ‘baby fever’ really bad at the moment!

I have always said that I want to have my own house and get married before babies, so at times I was really down about not being ‘there’ yet. I have recently become engaged though so I know that we are taking steps forward (even if the wedding isn’t until Oct 2018!).

Sometimes my drive to have kids is quite low when I think about how short life is and that I shouldn’t be wishing it away until the time is right for kids. Then other times I want to be a mum so bad that I couldn’t care less if I am married or not.

My Fiance isn’t quite ready for kids yet so we’ll definitely be waiting til after the wedding - but 21 months seems such a long time away!

Some of the advise given here is really good - I try to ‘satisfy’ my baby fever with looking at names or reading up on different aspects of pregnancy and motherhood.

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@phoebecate - Congratulations on your engagement! :slight_smile: [name_m]How[/name_m] exciting! But I agree… 21 months is so far away!! By the time of our wedding we will have been engaged for 7 months. I thought it was too short, but honestly it still feels like ages! Have fun with all the planning!! Also, your fiance may come around in the next year or so… you never know!

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For us we wanted to be ready before trying (meaning we had a house and had a good amount in savings) , so waiting for the right timing wasn’t the problem, it was when we actually started trying that the blues hit. It took us 9 months to conceive and it was an emotional roller coaster as we found out I had PCOS, which made it more difficult, but then were able to conceive naturally!

I always assumed it would happen super fast once we started trying, but when it didn’t, it was really hard. Seeing a negative test month after month was heart wrenching, especially when others were getting pregnant and hadn’t been trying that long or at all!

I’m not sure if I have any good advice for coping, as ours was to see a doctor to find out what might be going on. Once we had answers there, and knew that we could still have a baby, but it might take longer and possibly fertility treatment, things got easier.

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Thank God I found this thread! I’m joining the conversation a little late but I just joined/submitted a thread about the same topic. I feel exactly the same way as you. My husband and I are 26. We have been together for 11 years, married for 3. We always wanted to have a house and good jobs before we had kids, and we’re there! For a variety of reasons, we’ve decided that [name_f]September[/name_f] 2017 will be our time to start TTC. Sounds like a happy ending and hey, that’s only 5 months away, but try telling that to my ovaries. I’ve had baby fever since I was a teenager, but this is different. Things started changing for me in [name_u]January[/name_u] and then towards the end of [name_f]February[/name_f], my best friend found out she was 7 weeks pregnant! They weren’t trying at all, weren’t even convinced they ever wanted kids. I’m super happy for them, but can’t help but feel jealous that it’s not us. My husband even said he was more jealous than he thought he would be. Last night, we found out another couple in our friend group is expecting, just a few weeks after my best friend (also unplanned). So today I’m struggling a little harder than usual, although I admit I’ve long since crossed the line into obsessing. I really like the idea of reading pregnancy/parenting books so it feels like you’re making progress towards the goal of parenthood. I’m a big thrifter and lover of all things vintage so I’ve started collecting some vintage baby clothes. So far I just have a couple sweaters, a pair of shorts and a pair of pants but it doesn’t cost much and it’s helping me cope. I’m an interior designer and I already started a Pinterest board for the nursery design. I’m excited to start connecting with more future mamas on here. I could use the support on days like today and I’m happy to help others in anyway I can!

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My hubby and I did the same thing after we got married. We wanted some time to be us as a married couple and figure things out. We ended up waiting two years and just started TTC last month. I’m glad we did because we were able to work out some things first. I don’t know if you’re an animal person, but my hubby and I got two golden retriever puppies and they kept us busy and filled some of that void for a while until we were ready for actual human babies instead of fur babies. Neither of us had had a pet since we were younger, so it honestly did help get us used to having something entirely dependent on us for love, affection, care, etc. It’s taught me some patience, too! lol

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@merrywifeofwindsor
I was reading your other thread, and I totally know how you feel. It can be so hard to be patient! I don’t know how a few months can feel like so long!!
I like doing research and reading books too. It keeps my mind busy, without completely distracting it from the topic. Also helps me feel prepared.
Aww that’s really cute. I have a box of bits and bobs from my childhood that I kept for when we have kids. I should totally op-shop for a few cheap goodies. What fun!

@chelsanne22
Thanks for your comments. Seeing someone else that put babies off to sort out finances and things, helps me remember that waiting is a good thing. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if annoying and hard.

I wish! I love animals, but unfortunately we rent and can’t have any. Your furbabies sound gorgeous though!

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Haha… I had to laugh… after perusing Nameberry for a while and dwelling on my lack of babies and getting frustrated, I randomly started pulling apart the office/study and cleaning/organizing madly… cleaning is my therapy it seems. Makes for a good distraction and keeps me busy.

Anyone else have a pet “therapy” that helps them through the day??

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This was definitely me at one point! My husband and I had talked about our future desires/wishes as individuals and as a couple before we had even dated (how else do you know if the relationship is worth pursuing lol). We both quickly agreed that we both wanted kids down the road. Once we got engaged, he told me that he wanted to wait at least a year after marriage before we started having children. I thought that sounded fine…get some time as a couple, save some money, and take one change at a time (because marriage is HUGE).

However, it very quickly became apparent that a year was a very, very long time. He was adamant on waiting though, and logically it made sense, so I set about distracting myself and telling myself we were being responsible. To cope, I began planning. I read up on all things “mom” and “baby”. It helped a bit. We did get a pet, which helped a lot lol.

Beyond that, though, one of the biggest things that actually helped me cope was by making a ‘savings account’ for our future child. We got a cute little fox bank, that could go in a nursery later, and committed to putting our spare change, plus a small portion of our paychecks, into it. We’d then set up deadlines to use it. For instance, around [name_m]Black[/name_m] Friday was our first deadline, since our work gave us a few huge discounts we could use on anything at our store. We’d saved up just around $200 by that point… We were able to buy a brand new crib and a convertible high chair for very cheap! It made us feel like we were really doing something, not just sitting around twiddling our thumbs until that “magical” calendar year rolled around.

And honestly? We didn’t even end up waiting a year :wink: we started TTC after around 7 months of marriage. Plans change! We definitely aren’t the typical “save, plan, be smart” people once were. We live paycheck to paycheck and are trying to look for a house. I’ve come to realize that, while things like being able to support your child and give them a house to grow up in, are important…there is no magic point where things are perfect. You can always save more. Expenses always come up. [name_m]Job[/name_m] opportunities come and go. Things change.

It’s a bit different now, though. We are TTC but haven’t been able to get pregnant at all. Coping with that baby fever is very different, I’ve found, because every other pregnant woman or newborn feels like it is a direct middle finger to me :confused: I don’t know how to deal with that… but I will say this. Take care of yourself. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t be afraid to be open with your partner about your feelings. Others have mentioned great solutions, such as getting healthy, which are great, but I just wanted to toss that out there. Waiting might truly be the best thing for you guys…I’m not denying that…but I personally felt very isolated from my husband when I was having these feelings and didn’t share them. I worried that he would think I was crazy or would be upset that I changed my mind, but I found the complete opposite…he was very supportive and it helped greatly to just learn that!

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@namergirl3
Thank you for your input, hon. So honest - it’s lovely.

I think it’s gorgeous that you’re saving specifically for the baby and buying things. So cute! I’d love to do that, only the realist in me says “but what if we don’t have kids, and it never gets used…” :confused: I suppose a few little things would be fine. Like I buy books on parenting, etc, which technically defies logic as well currently… sorry, rambling. In short, I like that idea.

You’re definitely right. Things do change. Before the wedding, I thought we’d need a few good years to get our heads in the right places… but just 2 months post-wedding, even a single year seems like an eternity! I’m less pedantic about waiting now, but I do still see the wisdom in saving as much as we can (especially towards a house) while we are both able to work. Other than savings and studies, we don’t really need to put ttc off.

I am open with my hubby, and he’s very open on the topic too. Which I’m thankful for! He’s as keen for babies as I am, and we chat about it often. He helps me talk through things and laughs at my baby obsessions. (his favourite joke is too say “their getting closer!” whenever I’m clucky lol!) Super blessed by my wonderful best friend.

I’m sorry your ttc journey has turned out to be so difficult, honey. I hope you get you little miracle soon enough. I can understand that it would be a different kind of frustration to pre-trying. I already feel annoyed or disappointed when others get pregnant/have babies… I can only imagine how much harder it would be if we were trying and getting nowhere. Definitely sending hugs and love your way. And lots of baby magic! Xx

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Oh my gosh, this is SO me right now. I know my husband makes logical sense when he says he wants us to have more money saved up and we’re putting our townhome on the market soon and will look for a new house, so baby needs to wait until after that. But I’m in my 30s and know how hard a process TTC is, so I want to start sooner rather than later. Because of work and travel, I know the earliest we could start TTC is [name_f]October[/name_f] and like a previous poster said, this seems like it’s soooo far away.

Someone else mentioned focusing on health, and I’m trying to do that since my weight has creeped up recently.

[name_f]Patience[/name_f] is not my strong suit. I’m feeling very “[name_f]Veruca[/name_f] Salt”

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@mummacat92: I understand the renting/no pets issue. Went through that for a long time. Thankfully, we were able to find a place to rent shortly before we got married that would allow dogs. Tough to find where we live and still have it be affordable! I hope you find some things that work well for you soon. [name_u]Baby[/name_u] fever can be so rough, especially when you know waiting is a good thing for you personally. Sometimes, the waiting seems to silly and unnecessary, but I’m not upset that we waited. It let us get to the point where we knew we were ready. =]