Pros & Cons of finding out Gender

Upon finding out the news of our tiny little human growing in my uterus the husband and I discussed whether or not we would find out the gender. The husband doesn’t want to and at first I agreed, but hesitantly (i’m a planner)…and as the time has inched closer to the big reveal I’m wanting to know more and more. He still does not. [name_m]How[/name_m] many of you found yourself in this position? What did you do? have any advice for me…or him?

here are my thoughts:
This entire pregnancy hasn’t felt real (no real symptoms) and i’m feeling kind of disconnected from my uterus in general. [name_m]Just[/name_m] in the past week it’s started to move flutters! and I would love to start referring to this alien as a pronoun and better yet help me narrow down my name lists >> stressful!<< i can’t stop obsessing & can’t seem to commit …i think this naming distraction is keeping me from truly connecting…does that make sense? instead of spending my nights cuddling with my husband talking about the growing life, i’m up late looking at names…constantly looking up names…(unhealthy)

I honestly don’t know why the husband doesn’t want to know…perhaps to have a surprise or to avoid the gender stereotype gifts we’re most likely to receive if others find out /// we will not be a house where boys can’t wear pink or are discouraged from playing with dolls and girls discouraged from playing with cars or wearing baseball gear etc. \\

Also, It would be impossible for me to know and him not…we are terrible at keeping secrets and i’m sure it would slip out eventually.

With our first we didn’t find out, because Husband didn’t want to, and I loved it. It was a lot of fun guessing, and I referred to my baby as he, she or baby during the whole pregnancy. I never had any problems bonding with my baby because I didn’t know the gender, I felt her in me every day. I felt that if someone would need to know the gender to bond, it should be the father who doesn’t feel the baby move around inside of him. The period between the morning sickness stops and you start feeling the baby/seeing the bump is strange, you know you’re pregnant but you feel normal! When the baby starts moving it’s a whole new thing.
This pregnancy we found out. I really wanted to as it stressed me out, I only had my first baby five months ago and this was a completely unplanned pregnancy, and it freaked me out (haha, past tense? No, still freaks me out!), so I explained to Husband why I wanted to know and he said yes. He still thinks it’s unnecessary, he never had any trouble bonding with our first when she was in my belly, but he didn’t feel it was real until the first time she kicked him.

This is one of those personal things that there is really no right answer to. We did not find out and LOVED not knowing. I never really understand the whole, “I’m a planner thing” My [name_m]SIL[/name_m] just said this to me…well, I’m a lawyer, totally type A and the very definition of a planner but I never saw how this had anything to do with finding out a baby’s sex. You pick two names and babies really need very, very little. Because I am such a planner, I hate being highjacked by other’s people stuff and gifts, so not knowing was actually easy in this respect. You get so much less stuff. Most baby stuff is definitely not to my taste…so this was a huge bonus. I’m also a minimalist, so I wasn’t going to go crazy shopping, either. I never had an issue with bonding, either.

I guess my “planning” mostly has to do with the fact that i’m super picky with kids things too…and I stumble across random independent artists/clothing makers/creators etc online and find super cute clothing typically not gender neutral unfortunately that are for when the little one gets bigger and I don’t know if a) the things will be available in the future or b) if i can keep it all organized / spend the time digging up the websites again when the little one is here…and/or c) i can take advantage of sales now! summer swimsuits/ clothing/ summer garage sales…etc. for next year now …and save lots of $$ As gender neutral as we like to be…I don’t think i’ll go as far as dressing up or boy in dresses? though i’m not super opposed to this…just don’t think that’s something we’ll be doing.

i really think the connection has a lot to do with my inability to make time to try and connect. i’m totally in denial still // even after the heartbeat and flutters…this is my first and it’s all so new and foreign and amazing…and perhaps it’s my brain/body’s way of not allowing me to completely stress out… we live in one room of our house we have no kitchen/no “real” bathroom / no shower/ no hot water… this was a massive renovation project my husband and i took on after our marriage… and it’s definitely not moving at the speed i had hoped… perhaps having control of this one thing is something i think i “need” . ??

I found out with both of my children and I totally get your whole “I’m a planner” since that was a big reason for me. I find a lot of the cuter baby clothes to be gender specific and I wanted to have all the clothes washed and put away before my baby was born. My husband made both children a sign with their name on it before they were born. This wouldn’t have been possible if we had waiting and I’m sure it would have taken awhile to do afterwards. I loved that I brought my baby home to lots of clean prewashed clothes. Another thing I loved was referring to my children by name. I felt it helped me start to imagine them more then having them simply be “the baby”.
[name_f]One[/name_f] word of caution for buying ahead season specific stuff. Babies can vary in size during their first year. My daughter is one year old and wearing 2T clothes. She has always been double her age for clothing size (in six months stuff at three months) past right after she was born. My husband and I are average height yet both our children have been big while they were babies. Now my three year old has slowed down and is average height for his age. But things I bought ahead for either child especially my daughter with seasonal stuff it didn’t fit at the right time.

No kids, but I think I’d die if I didn’t find out. I’m a planner, probably the worst. In school/college I would often get essays and they would give us 2 weeks, I’d get it done in 2 days! My senior thesis, I finished a month early! I just could not stand not knowing because I’d want to be able to buy clothes, decorate the nursery, buy toys, etc…

We have done it both ways. :slight_smile: If it had been up to me, after [name_m]Sebastian[/name_m] (We did find out) I would have chosen to have suprises with everyone else but DH made the baby so he gets a bit of a say. :wink:

From my experience on this topic, people will have an opinion on the sex of your baby. Family members, strangers, neighbors friends. “Oh, I really want/ed you to have a boy/girl and I am sorry/happy you are”. [name_f]One[/name_f] of the major reasons we did not find out the gender with [name_f]Violet[/name_f] is that we had 2 boys and [name_f]Bronwen[/name_f]. I did not want people to get into [name_f]Bronwen[/name_f]'s head that it was “sad” if she “didn’t get a baby sister” (for some reason this was a common theme that people expressed throughout my pregnancy with her…it drove me nuts!) and that another brother was “not as good”. People will also get Really annoyed if you choose to not find out the gender and either think you are lieing to them or doing it to somehow torture them since “everyone” finds out “these days”. Either way, you cannot please everyone and I learned a while ago to not care what people thought about the baby I was carrying and would raise, lol.

You can narrow down a name list of course, that is a huge bonus for us name lovers. However, nothing at all beat the wild surprise of seeing Vio for the first time and finding out I had another girl…nothing! So much anticipation…we actually had [name_f]Bronwen[/name_f] announce the gender (Vio was born at home, so B was present) and it was such a joyful event for everyone! (And had she been a boy, still a very joyful event as in our home we want healthy babies, genders do not matter!) Plus looking at her, figuring out her name (didn’t look like any on our list) and her whole first few hours just soaking it all up of who she was…it was glorious to say the least. I had that too with [name_f]Bronwen[/name_f], but it was a little different. She was also a “surprise” at birth. Found out with all the boys, just worked out that way. I was happy to know with our first since there were so many unknowns of having a baby that knowing the gender at least helped DH and I to feel somewhat in control of everything. :wink:

I am however a huge fan of not sharing name ideas or even if you have a 100% set in stone choice as I could go on and on about what I think about doing this…so even if you do have one, do not tell everyone!

And I ditto no bonding issues at all with my 2 “surprise” genders…none in the least!

I always thought I’d want to know, but recently I’ve been thinking a surprise might be nice. My husband doesn’t really mind either way. He’s always said he’d like to know, too, but I think he could be persuaded not to! So, I’m thinking we might have a surprise for our first one, but find out for our second. Maybe. We don’t need to decide for a while!

I had two surprises and you can’t beat that ‘it’s a girl!’ Moment.

I never wanted to find out. It didn’t stop me from planning and getting ready for the baby, I just didn’t buy lots of pink or blue crap (didn’t anyway even when baby was born) and I got to pick 2 sets of names which wasn’t a problem for us. I loved imagining having both. I also loved that my DP got to announce the gender at birth of our first 3 children, that, cutting the cord and handing the baby over to me became his little moment when most of the pregnancy and birth is about me and then the baby.

This time we found out and I was very unhappy (it was a misunderstanding between us and the sonographer). I’m finding it harder to commit to a name and I feel like I’m missing out on some bits of pregnancy that I really love.

I found out the sex in advance. I am also not about gender stereotyping, but not so much that I picked a unisex name and chose baby items to be completely neutral. I found out simply because I wanted any info possible about the little person living inside of me. And I also wanted to make naming easier and gift giving/baby stuff buying easier. I still collected plenty of non-pink items.

I must admit, I spent a lifetime sneaking peaks at my [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] presents before the big day. I don’t like surprises!!

I am due with our 3rd child any day and it is our 3rd surprise…like someone else said - there is nothing that compares to being told after giving birth that ‘it’s a boy!’ We already have 2 sons and when people say to me ‘you must be hoping for a daughter?’ I reply ‘we tried for a baby…not a girl!’ Tough decision, good luck!

I was just way to nosy to find to find out the gender as soon as I could. I originally wanted it to be a surprise but couldn’t go through with it haha I caved. My boyfriend was so excited to be having a baby but once we found the gender he really started to bond the baby instantly become his daughter and a lot more real for him.

I agree with this

I found out with my son [name_m]Cato[/name_m]. I wanted to find out because it was my first baby and the pregnancy was already a surprise so we wanted to just have something that we KNEW. Also…my and my husband’s families are very confrontational and I just know they would have started drama over us not telling them whether the baby was a boy or girl.

With this pregnancy, we weren’t going to find out (I’ve stopped caring about what our families/friends think)…but then we found out that I’m having twins sooo…yeah haha, again…didn’t need more surprises. :slight_smile: The technician took an early guess for one of our twins (a girl) but I won’t really trust it until 20 weeks.

Next pregnancy…DEFINITELY NOT finding out. I want to have that experience even though I know I will be very impatient. But that extra motivation during labor? [name_m]Worth[/name_m] it! That is a big big pro for me.

In the end…its about your situation and how well you think you could handle not finding out until the big day comes. :slight_smile:

I started a very similar thread just about a month ago, so you can check out all the responses here: To Find Out the Sex or Not?

We ended up deciding NOT to find out. I wrote a more long-winded reason towards the end of that thread. Basically, we want the fun of the surprise, we were a little paranoid about being told the wrong thing (not planning on more ultrasounds unless absolutely needed and the machine we had ours on was older/less clear pictures!), and we’re hoping to receive some more serious baby gear at our showers rather than a bunch of gender-specific clothing. (This is our first.) Not that we wouldn’t put a girl in dresses…but I like at least some gender neutral clothing (reusable in the future!). I have no doubt that people will gift or give handmedowns of gender-specific stuff after the birth. (We’ve already gotten “oh, if you have a girl I have tons of clothes for you…” from multiple people.)

RE: the feeling ‘real’ part. This was something that made me go back and forth on the decision, too. But, you know what? I was just barely starting to feel the baby’s movements at the time of the u/s. Now, less than a month later, I feel them multiple times a day. Definitely helping it get more real! Also, making a baby registry, a list of guests for a shower, my ever-expanding stomach are all helping it feel more and more real every day.

So, don’t have any more testimonial about the “wait & see” approach, as we’re only a mnth ahead of you. But, so far, we’re quite happy with the decision we made. I wouldn’t have been devasted if we had accidentally found out at the u/s, but happy to wait for the surprise.

I always thought I wouldn’t find out, but I did for number 1 and will for number 2 too.
Why? It’s nice to know… It’s nice to buy things you love (while you still have time to wander the shops, without worrying about snacks, naps, etc), its nice to refer to them as him or her, it’s nice to explore names and imagine them fitting your little bundle. And there is so much going on at delivery that just getting them out safe, sound, seeing them for the first time, hearing that cry, is amazing, without the added suprise of discovering the gender.
But then if hubby didn’t want to know that would be fine too.

Everyone on both sides have extremely valid points and I sincerely appreciate all the advice! Thank you! Our latest agreement is to let the baby decide if we are to know… And by that I mean if he/she has legs spread for all to see
I guess we will know if , however, he/she has legs crossed then that’s that! We only plan on getting the one ultrasound, so it’s totally babies call. The husband and I both can agree on that and it kind of takes it out of our hands.

That’s a good way to do it. I’ve definitely heard stories where, even in multiple u/s, the baby is not in a great position to figure it out. With ours, we told the tech that we didn’t want to know before we started, but my husband was watching the entire time (I saw part of it but the angle was trickier) and couldn’t tell. (BTW, some ppl say that means girl, but, honestly, everything was moving around fast and neither of us have ever watched one before, so it was hard enough to tell hands and feet and whether that round thing was a head or butt!) If he had accidentally seen a very obvious shot, that would have been fine with us. Of course, if you’re doing it with a super high-res 3D-type, this all may be different for you!

I chose not to find out because I love surprises, wanted to avoid gender stereotyping, and didn’t have a preference. I loved not knowing and would do it again in a heartbeat. I loved the family’s wacky predictions and I love how my daughter also has some boyish clothes as well as frilly pink dresses. I loved my bf going to announce to our families we had a girl.